Michael Welch: Flying starships, fighting zombies, getting baked, showing his chest. With some dick pics

 

You probably remember Michael Welch from the Twilight saga, about a girl torn between vampire and werewolf boyfriends (Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner).  He plays a human who has an unrequited crush on her.

Michael had sharp features and striking eyes that make him look angelic, demonic, or alien, so he was often cast as a  gay-vague outsider, even if his characters sometimes experienced unrequited heterosexual passions.

He began his acting career at the age of 10 in Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)  as Artim, a guy from a non-technological planet who bonds with the android Data.  performance won him a Young Artist Award.

Next came a series of paranormal and science fiction roles, including a clone of Colonel Jack O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson) who just wants to be a normal teenager, on Stargate SG-1.  

He guest-starred in a number of sitcoms and dramatic series, including a memorable role as a new neighbor who falls for the brainy Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle.

On Joan of Arcadia (2003-2005), Michael plays Luke Girardi, genius brother of the girl who talks to God,  He has a homoromantic buddy-bond with his best friend Friedman (Aaron Himmelstein), although he's also girl-crazy.

In The United States of Leland (2003), his mentally-challenged Ryan is murdered by classmate Leland, Ryan Gosling, who is dating his sister.

The Grind (2009) is about a grifter, Luke (C. Thomas Howell), who depends on his friends Josh and Courtney (Michael, Tanya Allen) to get him out of a jam. They start a sleazy website, but things go sour, and Luke has to rescue them from the Mexican mafia.

In Lost Dream (2009), college student Perry (Michael) falls for nihilistic free-spirit Giovanni (Shaun Sipos), who is involved in risky sex, drugs, and games of Russian roulette.  He must save Gio before it's too late.

As we often find, teenage gay-subtext roles give way to a thoroughly heteronormative adulthood.  Hansel and Gretel Get Baked, 2013, about a witch who lures teenagers into her house and drugs them with marijuana before literally baking them for dinner.  

More after the break

Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.9: A Medieval Serbian book, a gay subtext, daddy/twink porn, and maybe a Skyler dick

 

I haven't reviewed an episode of Santa Clarita Diet for awhile, mainly because the first episode I watched was kind of gross.  Also, after posting reviews of twelve of Skyler Gisondo's movies, four photo collections, and a lot of stuff on Gideon Gemstone, I'm running out of pictures of Skyler with his shirt off. 

And no cock shots at all, unless you count the one in the bonus photos, below.  So we'll have to make do with a fully clothed Skyler.

The premise: Suburban housewife Sheila has become a zombie.  She's fully sentient, but she lacks impulse control, is unusually horny, and has to eat human flesh.  While looking for a cure, her annoyingly amoral family helps her find victims. Skyler plays the guy who knows their secret, next-door neighbor Eric, who happens to be an expert on zombies.

I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "The Book," because it involves the search for a medieval Serbian manuscript, and who wouldn't be interested in that? 

Scene 1: While Zombie Sheila bags up human meat for later, Husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant, left) has had a breakthrough: Anton, who owns the Medieval Serbian book that mentions a zombie cure, has finally responded to his emails and texts. He can meet them at a paranormal conference in Oxnard today.

But then a cop appears with daughter Abby, who was arrested for runing a stop sign in a motorcycle with no plates or VIN number, wearing a jacket saying "Pussy Magnet."  Hey, the "Pussy Magnet" is legal. The girl likes what she likes.

Abby is obviously in psychological pain from dealing with the zombie situation, so Sheila will spend the day with her.  Husband Joel can go to the paranormal conference with ally Eric. 

I'll review the two plotlines separately.

Mother-Daughter Bonding

Scene 1: Zombie Sheila and Abby return the motorcycle of a guy she killed to his brother, Lonnie (Alex Scuby), who runs a chop shop out of a storage locker. He took Abby's money but didn't fix her bike, so she wants her money back.  Wait, I thoiugh it belonged to the dead guy? Were there two bikes?

Lonnie tells them that his brother was a "stupid fucking idiot" who ripped people off, so they're out of luck.  He closes the garage-door and won't let them in. He's not responsbile for his brother's debts, ladies.

Left: Alex Scuby has appeared in a porno about two older-younger gay couples who swap partners.

Scene 2: In their storage locker, which is the size of a small apartment, Sheila and Daughter Abby look for something to use to get the money back from Lonnie.  There's teargas that Abby stole from Eric's stepfather before Dad killed him, but Sheila wants to teach Abby a life-lesson and use a non-violent solution: how about Raffi, that annoyingly repetitive kids' singer?  What makes you think Lonnie is still in there?

Scene 3: Hours  of playing and singing along to Raffi later, they give up, but Lonnie yells from inside "Turn Raffi back on!" They decide to tear gas him instead, but when they drop the tear gas canister down the vent, it hits the wrong storage locker!  Two innocent guys rush out.

Scene 4: Abby wants to know why Mom  Sheila is so dead-set, so to speak, on teaching her life lessons.  She explains that she is slowly decomposing, so she won't be around much longer, and has to make sure Abby will be ok.  Aww.

The Paranormal Conference

Scene 1: When Dad Joel arrives to pick up Eric, his mom announces "You have a gentleman caller."   Gay joke, har har.  Embarrassed, Eric tells her to not make everything sexual.    

He asks for advice on how to pack a hoodie, and claims to be upset over Joel murdering his stepfather with a shovel, but he's joking: the guy was an asshole. Is this casual attitude toward murder supposed to be humorous?

Scene 2: At the conference, Eric buys a churro-saber, but it's too long to be phallic.  

When Joel is rejected by the first person he talks to, Eric explains: these are all introverts with low self-esteem, and he scares them away by being too aggressive and too handsome: "with those piercing eyes and perfect posture."  So you think he's hot, Eric? 

Scene 3: They find Anton, Derek Waters, talking to a crowd about government conspiracies: During the 1950s, they exploded thousands of nukes over Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific.  In 2012, a man in Florida eats another man's face.  Coincidence?  "If you believe that, I've got a Japanese sex doll to sell you. Unused."  Because he gets so many partners that he doesn't need it?

Nerd Ryan, Ravi Patel, asks about an outbreak of the undead in 19th century Poland.  Yep: Rybik, 1870. Three priests walk into a tavern, and get eaten.

Joel asks about the Medieval Serbian book.  Yep, Pozica, 16th Century.  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

"Warm Bodies": A zombified Nicholas Hoult meets a girl. With Rob Conddrey cock

 

I'm going to have to stop this "Give me four movies to select from" strategy for Movie Night.  Last night my choices were:

Stand by Me: Same-sex love among homophobic kids vanishes when they grow up and get married. Geez.

Bad Hair: A horror movie about hair care products?

All of Us Strangers: Bereaved gay gay falls in love with a ghost? F*k the Sadness.

Warm Bodies.  Nicholas Hoult, on the icon, was cute, and how could a movie about zombies go wrong?

A zombie (Nicholas) narrates. He can't remember his name, but later his human girlfriend names him R, as in Romeo or ARRR!  His limited cognitive ability means that he doesn't remember what happened, sparing us scenes about the origin of the zombie Apocalypse. 

Left: Nicholas butt.

ARRR spends most of his time plodding around the Montreal-Trudeau airport with the other zombies, hanging out with his friend MMM (Rob Conddry) -- all they do is grunt at each other, but isn't that what living guys do, har har -- and filling his airplane-lair with knicknacks that he scavenged.  

Next door, behind a wall much too high to be even slightly believable, the humans live in a refugee camp and scrounge for food. Except for the evil President, who lives in a palace.

Some of the town teenagers, including the President's daughter Julie -- Juliet, get it? --  and her boyfried Perry -- go beyond the wall to scrounge for medical supplies, and the zombies attack. ARRR sees Julie, and gets the most exaggeratedly corny "love at first sight" look that they ever taught you not to do in acting school.  He notices Perry, and gets rid of the competition by eating him.  

But in this world, when you eat someone, even a tiny piece, you absorb their memories.  ARRR absorbs Perry's memories, all of which involve Julie: falling in love when they are toddlers, their first kiss, their first sexual experience, their declaration of love, and so on ad infinitum. 

Through the entire movie, I thought Perry was being played by Zac Efron.  No, it's someone named Dave Franco, who could be Zac's identical twin.  Seriously, they look exactly alike. 

The other teens just hide until the zombies leave, but ARRR tricks Julie into thinking that he has to save her.  He takes her to his airplane, and they proceed to fall in love.

Eventually Julie wants to return to human society, mainly because there's almost nothing left to eat at the airport, so ARRR tries to sneak her out.  The other zombies want to attack,but he holds her hand and -- get this -- they instantly calm down. "Oh, you're in love.  Why didn't you say so?  Even brain-dead zombies understand that heterosexual romance is the most important thing in the universe.  Go on through."

More heterosexism after the break

"The Dead Don't Die": By-the-numbers Zombie Apocalypse, with some gay subtexts and Josh O'Connor's dick

  

The problem with Movie Night is, I'm asked to choose something from the "new selections" on Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime,  and MAX, with no research, just a cover blurb.  Then, if it turns out to be awful, I get blamed: "You picked this!"  

Last night I selected The Dead Don't Die on Hulu, because it starred Bill Murry and it was about zombies in a small town.  I was wondering if anything new could be said about zombies after so many years of being blasted by Zombie Apocalypses.  

No. Other than a few absurdist touches, like characters being aware that they're in a movie and an alien spaceship that appears out of nowhere, picks up Tilda Swinton, and vanishes, it's the standard. Due to..um...fracking?,,, day and night get mixed up, cell phones don't work, and the dead re-animate.  

They crawl out of their graves, fully corporeal,  even though some have been dead for centuries -- and eat the living in a small Pennsylvania town.  Maybe everywhere in the world. The only suspense is wondering who will get eaten next.

This movie needs an editor.  Cop #1 enters the diner to look at the two zombie-eaten waitresses. We see one, then the other, with their innards turned into spaghetti.  Cop #2 enters to look.  We see one, then the other again.  Cop #3 enters to look.  We see one, then the other a third time!  

But on the bright side, there is no hetero-romance, and we see many gay subtexts.  Probably unintentional.

The main zombies and zombie-dinners are:

1.-3. Three big city hipsters:Austin Butler, top photo; Luka Sabbat; and Selena Gomez.  They stop for gas and for some reason decide to stay overnight in the town's decrepit hotel instead of continuing on to Pittsburgh. Selena flirts with every guy in sight, even when she doesn't want to get something from him, but there's no indication that she's dating either of her companions.

4-7. Police officers Bill Murray and Adam Driver, second photo.  Adam asks the female police officer at the station for a date, and Bill had an affair with town drunk Carol Kane.  But the two end up together, with a sort of buddy-bonding going on before they are killed.

8-9. Neither racist farmer Steve Buscemi nor cat-loving hotel manager Larry Fessenden, left, have wives at home, mention dead wives, or flirt with the gals at the diner.

10-12. Caleb Landry Jones, who played a gay guy in Stonewall, runs the gas station/horror movie memorabilia shop, seems to have a crush on delivery  driver RZA.  He almost asks him for a date, but loses his nerve. Later he is trapped in a hardware store with Danny Glover, and almost grabs his hand before they are eaten.

Bonus: Caleb Landry's butt

More after the break

The Santa Clarita Diet Episode 1.1: Witty dialogue, zombies, Skyler Gisondo, Matt Shively, and bare butts

 Someone on a fan board said that Skyler Gisondo's character on The Santa Clarita Diet, Eric Bemis, is gay, but after a glance at the fan wiki, I can't see how.  He has a will-they-or-won't-they romance going on with Abby, the daughter of the zombified Sheila Hammond,  that lasts through three seasons before becoming canonical in the series finale; plus he has sex with other women and  female zombies.  But I'm game, so I'll review the first episode. 

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the stereotypic "idyllic" Santa Clarita. Heterosexual husband Joel awakens and sniffs Sheila, signaling how aroused he is, but she only likes to do it in a romantic setting -- no "humping."  

Anyway, time for breakfast: toast and a green liquid. They have two different conversations without interacting with each other. Teenage daughter Abby enters and demands a car, because they live in the middle of "freakin' nowhere."  I know the feeling.

Suddenly Sheila keels over with sharp pain in her stomach.  Abby wants to know if she's dying, but she insists that it's food poisoning. 

Scene 2: As everyone leaves for the day, they run into snoopy heterosexual neighbor Dan (Ricardo Chavira, left), and his wife.  They want to know why the light in the study was on all night; didn't Dan and Sheila have sex?  No, Sheila couldn't sleep, if it's any of his business. 

Dan points out that he's in the L.A. Sheriff's Department, far superior to the "dickless" cops, like Rick (Richard T. Jones, below), who happens to be walking by with his wife and baby.  Geez, they are establishing that everyone is heterosexual at first introduction.  What are they afraid of?  

Dan calls Rick "honeybunch," suggesting that he is a woman because he has such a feminine job.  Being a cop is feminine?  Then: "Suck me!", an insult, because of course gay sex would be terribly humiliating.

The men all leave, while Dan's kid Eric (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), in his Mom's car, gazes wistfully at Abby.  Mom tell her, "He worships you.  You're the queen of his spank bank."  So much for Eric being gay. Wait -- did his mom just tell his crush that he masturbates while thinking about her?  How would she know?  Why would she think this information was important to share?

She then invites Sheila for a girl's night out which may or may not involve "banging dudes."  Sheila refuses.

Are we done introducing the heterosexual characters yet?  I'm getting bored.

Scene 3: Whoops, more players.  They're really piling on the cast: A realtor, Sheila runs afoul of her mean-tempered, sexually-harassing boss and Gary West (Nathan Fillion, left), her new coworker. "Sell the Peterson house!  Do it today!" 

Scene 4: Sheila and Joel showing the house to a heterosexual couple. Disgust alert: suddenly she throws up green gunk. Joel pushes the couple into continuing the tour, and Sheila goes to the bathroom to vomit.  

When the couple finally manages to leave, Joel checks: Sheila is unconscious in a bathroom splattered with green gunk.  No pulse: dead.  Joel hugs her and says "no" while grinning enthusiastically.  Now he can call off the hit man? But she awakens and feels fine.

Scene 5: They've been waiting at the Emergency Room for three hours, due to being low priority ("Your wife threw up."),  Joel gives up and drives Sheila home. She sniffs him.  Weird -- a lot of sniffing in this show.

Gary, their new coworker, appears with get-well flowers.  He called a cleaning crew to take care of the mess in the house.  Sheila thanks him; Joel is jealous and possessive.

When she leaves, Gary reveals that the homeowners disliked their house being vomited on, and fired Sheila and Joel. They will be working with him now.  Listing poaching -- the biggest sin in realty.

More after the break

"Workaholics Episode 3.19: Blake faces a line-bully, Adam faces a zombie apocalypse, and Ders and Karl touch tips

 I've been watching Workaholics as comfort tv: totally upbeat, with no drama, no angst, no tragedies to work through, just humorous misunderstandings and everyday situations that spin wildly out of control.  No girl-ogling or bragging about how many times they get laid, in fact very few episodes involving getting laid. Just guys together.  RuPaul called it "the gayest show on television."  And, in spite of what my friends (and some reviews) said, virtually no homophobia.  But I found some in Episode 3.19, "In Line."  The guys are planning to wait in line for the release of a new zombie apocalypse video game, but they are waylaid and have separate adventures.

1.Blake actually makes it to the line.  He runs into an old Dungeons and Dragons friend , Marshall (Josh Brenner, shown here with the mega-hunk Steve Howey), and wants to cut in line, but "Mark McGrath Dude" (Adam Ray) refuses to permit it.  This seems appropriate to me: cutting in line is unethical.  

They leave, but Blake decides that he has had it  with muscle guys pushing him around,  so he returns and pulls out McGrath Dude's armpit hair.

Left: Adam Ray performing with the guys (Kyle, Blake, Ders) on the This is Important live tour.

More after the break.