I haven't reviewed anything on Amazon Prime for awhile, because I'm annoyed by having to wade through two minutes of commercials before they'll let me check to see if it's awful. But a Christmas-themed murder mystery in July sounds fun, and the title has two allusions:
Blood Actually , a Murder They Hope Mystery (Love Actually, Murder She Wrote).Scene 1: Santa Claus runs through the woods, terrified and bleeding. We hear a squelch as he is murdered off-camera. Cut to the opening credits.
An elderly man and his much younger wife or daughter discuss how this will be the best Christmas ever as they approach their Christmas holiday cottage. The guy with the key popped down to the pub, but that's ok. They love old-fashioned English pubs full of friendly villagers.
Scene 2: The Cock Inn.
I'd patronize that. Carolers are singing "Ding Dong, Merrily On High," which I've never heard before. Must be distinctly British.
When the Elderly Man and his Wife or Daughter enter, the carolers and pub patrons glare in anger and "cold contempt." Are they acquainted with the couple, or do they belong to an evil fertility cult?
One of the villagers, Gavin, approaches to apologize: "We don't get too many outsiders here." He is shushed by the head caroler-- wait, that's Jane Horrocks, the ditzy assistant Bubble on Absolutely Fabulous!
And Jack Carroll from
Coronation Street
is one of the glaring patrons (nude photo after the break).
The Elderly Man, Terry, is played by Johnny Vegas, who starred with Jack in Eaten by Lions. Tour bus driver Terry and guide Gemma (Sian Gibson) have stumbled upon murders in two movies, two tv miniseries, and two tv specials. By this point, they have married and started their own private investigation business, but they're just here for the Christmas holiday.
Creepy David, who owns the holiday cottage they're renting, takes them to get settled. When they leave, the carolers and patrons glare and fuss; "What are they doing here? They'll ruin everything!" Are they planning a Midsommer-style human sacrifice orgy?
Scene 3: Tour of the cottage, with a huge kitchen. Terry is happy; he can get some creating done here! He means cooking: he's hoping to do a proper Christmas dinner, to make up for the horrible ones his mum and nan foisted on him.
By the way, Creepy David lives in the granny flat out back, but it has no kitchen, so he'll be popping in to do his own cooking, and he's coming to their Christmas Dinner, of course.
Left: Creepy David is played by Peter Davidson. Not the multiple-tattooed Peter Davidson; he was the fifth Doctor Who, appearing 1981-84, and in many movies, tv series, and podcasts thereafter.
When he leaves, Gemma notes a problem: she was busily eating a chocolate mousse, and left the turkey on the kitchen counter back home. This freaks out Terry: "It's not Christmas, it's Nothing-mas!"
Scene 4: Terry rushes into the village to see if there are any turkeys left. There are three in a shop with a sign: "All are welcome. Terms and conditions apply."
Uh-oh, the proprietor is Bubble, the most vicious of the carolers. "We haven't got any turkeys for you. Those are reserved for members of our community."
Terry notices a poster for the Santathalon -- prizes for the best Santa Claus! Anyone in the village is permitted to compete. Aha, a loophole! If he wins the contest, he'll be accepted as a member of the community, and then she'll have to sell him a turkey. Bubble grudgingly agrees.
Cut to Terry modeling the makeshift Santa Suit that he made from the clothes of Creepy David's dead wife. This causes David to tear up. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 9.
Scene 5: Terry at the pub with the other Santa contestants, including Martin Kemp of
EastEnders (left). Robert (Ed Kear of
Nasty Neighbors) brags that he has made runner-up seven times, but his opponent points out that he's lost seven times, plus his wife is cheating.
Heterosexual identity established immediately. Robert counters that this is not a big deal, because everyone's wife is cheating.
"You've just made the Naugty List," Eaten By Lions points out. And you'll be the first victim, I'll bet.
While they are bickering, a muscular Green Man enters (Samuel Anderson of Emmerdale Farm, top photo) and announces that he is Centaur Klausenhof, a Scandinavian Santa Claus (no such being). He insults Terry by calling him Klausenhoff's Empty-Headed Servant, Rupert.
Scene 6: The first challenge: Give a gift to a ceramic child, judged by your kindness and your ho-ho-hos.
Terry suggests using a real child, which causes everyone to glare, stare at the floor, and hug each other in despair. "There are no children in the village," Bubbles says ominously. Have they sacrificed all their kids?
Perpetual runner-up Robert goes first, but is disqualified for using an inhaler. Next Terry, but when he opens the package, a head in a Santa hat drops out!
"It's going to be that sort of Christmas," Terry says resignedly. You're an amateur. Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote" stumbled upon murders 264 times.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
