Murder, They Hope: Terry and Gemma visit a village with weird rituals, dark secrets, dead Santas, former hunks, and Jack Carroll's dick

I haven't reviewed anything on Amazon Prime for awhile, because I'm annoyed by having to wade through two minutes of commercials before they'll let me check to see if it's awful. But a  Christmas-themed murder mystery in July sounds fun, and the title has two allusions: Blood Actually , a Murder They Hope Mystery (Love Actually, Murder She Wrote).

Scene 1: Santa Claus runs through the woods, terrified and bleeding.  We hear a squelch as he is murdered off-camera.  Cut to the opening credits.

An elderly man and his much younger wife or daughter discuss how this will be the best Christmas ever as they approach their Christmas holiday cottage.  The guy with the key popped down to the pub, but that's ok.  They love old-fashioned English pubs full of friendly villagers. 

Scene 2: The Cock Inn.  I'd patronize that.  Carolers are singing "Ding Dong, Merrily On High," which I've never heard before.  Must be distinctly British.

When the Elderly Man and his Wife or Daughter enter, the carolers and pub patrons glare in anger and "cold contempt."  Are they acquainted with the couple, or do they belong to an evil fertility cult?

One of the villagers, Gavin, approaches to apologize: "We don't get too many outsiders here."  He is shushed by the head caroler-- wait, that's Jane Horrocks, the ditzy assistant Bubble on Absolutely Fabulous!  

And Jack Carroll from Coronation Street is one of the glaring patrons (nude photo after the break). 

The Elderly Man, Terry, is played by Johnny Vegas, who starred with Jack in Eaten by Lions. Tour bus driver Terry and guide Gemma (Sian Gibson) have stumbled upon murders in two movies, two tv miniseries, and two tv specials. By this point, they have married and started their own private investigation business, but they're just here for the Christmas holiday.

Creepy David, who owns the holiday cottage they're renting, takes them to get settled.  When they leave, the carolers and patrons glare and fuss; "What are they doing here?  They'll ruin everything!"  Are they planning a Midsommer-style human sacrifice orgy?

Scene 3: Tour of the cottage, with a huge kitchen.  Terry is happy; he can get some creating done here!  He means cooking: he's hoping to do a proper Christmas dinner, to make up for the horrible ones his mum and nan foisted on him.

By the way, Creepy David lives in the granny flat out back, but it has no kitchen, so he'll be popping in to do his own cooking, and he's coming to their Christmas Dinner, of course. 

Left: Creepy David is played by Peter Davidson.  Not the multiple-tattooed Peter Davidson; he was the fifth Doctor Who, appearing 1981-84, and in many movies, tv series, and podcasts thereafter.

When he leaves, Gemma notes a problem: she was busily eating a chocolate mousse, and left the turkey on the kitchen counter back home.  This freaks out Terry: "It's not Christmas, it's Nothing-mas!"

Scene 4: Terry rushes into the village to see if there are any turkeys left.  There are three in a shop with a sign: "All are welcome. Terms and conditions apply."

Uh-oh, the proprietor is Bubble, the most vicious of the carolers.  "We haven't got any turkeys for you.  Those are reserved for members of our community."

Terry notices a poster for the  Santathalon -- prizes for the best Santa Claus!  Anyone in the village is permitted to compete.  Aha, a loophole! If he wins the contest, he'll be accepted as a member of the community, and then she'll have to sell him a turkey. Bubble grudgingly agrees.

Cut to Terry modeling the makeshift Santa Suit that he made from the clothes of Creepy David's dead wife. This causes David to tear up. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 9. 

Scene 5: Terry at the pub with the other Santa contestants, including Martin Kemp of EastEnders (left). Robert (Ed Kear of Nasty Neighbors) brags that he has made runner-up seven times, but his opponent points out that he's lost seven times, plus his wife is cheating.  Heterosexual identity established immediately.    Robert counters that this is not a big deal, because everyone's wife is cheating. 

"You've just made the Naugty List," Eaten By Lions points out.  And you'll be the first victim, I'll bet.

While they are bickering, a muscular Green Man enters (Samuel Anderson of Emmerdale Farm, top photo) and announces that he is Centaur Klausenhof, a Scandinavian Santa Claus (no such being).  He insults Terry by calling him Klausenhoff's Empty-Headed Servant, Rupert.

Scene 6: The first challenge: Give a gift to a ceramic child, judged by your kindness and your ho-ho-hos.

Terry suggests using a real child, which causes everyone to glare, stare at the floor, and hug each other in despair. "There are no children in the village," Bubbles says ominously. Have they sacrificed all their kids?

Perpetual runner-up Robert goes first, but is disqualified for using an inhaler.  Next Terry, but when he opens the package, a head in a Santa hat drops out!  

"It's going to be that sort of Christmas," Terry says resignedly.  You're an amateur.  Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote" stumbled upon murders 264 times.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

"Blue Ridge" Episode 1.3: A wrestling promoter is murdered at a high school in the Hills. With lots of beefy suspects and Michael O'Hearn's dick

I haven't done many tv reviews lately because I've been very busy with Season 4 of The Righteous Gemstones, plus I have about two weeks' worth of profiles ready to post.  But I was interested in Episode 1.3 of Blue Ridge: The Series (2024), because it is set in the world of professional wrestling, with Michael O'Hearn in the cast.  

The show originally aired on the Cowboy Way Channel, so I have no hope of any gay characters -- reviewers are upset that there are no racial minorities, so obviously there will be no gays -- but there's bound to be ample beefcake.

The premise: Justin Wise (Jonathan Schaech), an ex-Green Beret featured in the 2020 movie Blue Ridge, has returned to his small town to be close to his ex wife and daughter. Their hobby is...murder!

Scene 1: Outside the high school, a sign: Championship Wrestling, Dirty Boots McCrae vs. The Contractor.  Several bouts, while a nuclear family with a girl who looks like a boy cheer. Maybe they'll be important later?   

One of the heels (villains) goes backstage, where Promoter Earl (Max Martini) grabs him by the neck: "If you can't stick to the script, I'm not going to stick to the deal."

He rushes out and yells at a male wrestler, "I own you!",  fires a female wrestler, and tells another heel, "I would rather die than make a washed-up quitter like you a champion!" 

The next day, Janitor Dwayne (Grayson Russell) buffing the floors, and finds...Promoter Earl's body under the ring!  Call Miss Marple!  

Scene 2: Nuclear family scene with Focus Character Justin Wise.  He's angry with his daughter, the girl who looks like a boy, because she is dating the son of his arch-enemy Jeremiah Wade (Tom Proctor)  The son is named Blade Wade (really?), played by Lev Cameron, left  She explains that his dad may be evil, but Blade Wade is nice.

Phone call, and the game is afoot.

Scene 3: At the school, School Administrator gives Justin Wise some heavy-handed plot exposition.  Takeaway: all of the wrestlers had keys to the gym and locker room, but nowhere else in the school.

By the way, her son Barry (Christian Finlayson) wants to become a wrestler, but when he tried out, the Promoter yelled at him, called him worthless, and destroyed his confidence.

Justin Wise examins the body (no sense in waiting for the forensics team).  Detective RP (Greg Perrow) says that he died of a blow to the head between 10 pm and midnight. 

Unfortunately Dwayne the Janitor buffed the entire gym before finding the body, so all of that evidence has vanished.  But he remembers the Promoter and a heel character named The Contractor (Michael O'Hearn) arguing: "I got a binding legal contract!" "I don't care, I'm not paying it!"

And the  murder weapon is a wrench that  The Contractor uses as part of his act.  He didn't do it.

Scene 4: Justin Wise interviews The Contractor.  He points out that he plays a bad guy, but he's not bad in real life.  He left the wrench in his gym bag in the locker room; anybody could have swiped it.  And their argument was  just "a work," part of the story: "I loved Earl, but everybody else hated him."

Left: The Contractor n*de.

He suggests interviewing Dirty Boots McRae, who got into a real argument with Earl yesterday.

Phone call: More clues.  The wrench wasn't the murder weapon after all.

More after the break

Ten Dudes from Rejected Reviews: From Matt Bomer to Tom Goodman-Hill

I find potential movies and tv shows to review on my streaming service recommendations, the social media of actors I follow, and if I have just completed a profile of someone, like Cory Chapman or Michael Provost, their work on the IMDB.  If the premise is interesting, or there are two guys together on the icon, I might just click "play," but usually there's some research involved.

Do the episode synopses mention a same-sex friendship or rescue?  Is there minimal man-woman kissing in the trailer?  Are there any beefcake or nude photos of the male cast members?  

Sometimes I collect nude photos for illustrations, and then decide against the review after reading a plot synopsis or Rotten Tomatoes score, or after watching for a few minutes.  The result is a folder full of naked guys from rejected reviews.  I hate to delete them, so I'm posting them for their aesthetic value.

1. Adam Rayner in Tyrant: An American family drawn into the politics of a fictional Middle Eastern nation.  A gay guy eventually comes out and finds a boyfriend, who is killed,  I don't do the Bury Your Gays trope.  Next!

2. I was planning a review of "The Unicorn and the Wasp," a Doctor Who episode with gay characters, so I searched for "Christopher Tennant." 

"Christopher Benjamin" popped up,  nude on stage doing The Fairy Queen. But the full-sized photo was behind a pay wall, so I tried someone else in the cast, Robert Burt.

Except this isn't Robert Burt the stage actor. The link goes to a set of pictures illustrating the works of poet Robert Hamberger, models unknown. 

3. Turns out that the Doctor I was looking for was actually played by David Tennant.  A new search on "David Tennant" yielded Harry Lawtrey in Industry.

The British drama about job applicants in a finance firm had two gay characters, but the opening sequences were boring, so no review.  Next!

4. A reader recommended The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare for its buddy-bonding and beefcake.  As of this writing it's in theaters only, so I scanned its cast list and found Hero Fiennes Tiffin -- great name -- which led me to The Loneliest Boy in the World.  The boy appears to be falling in love with a boy zombie.   But it's not available on any of my streaming services. Next!

5. Depressing disease-of-the-week medical dramas are usually a resounding "No!", but The Good Doctor had a gay character played by Noah Galvin, so I researched him.  A former Hasidic Jew, conflicted, confused, self-doubting, guilt ridden, who finally gets a boyfriend -- only to have him killed on the day they become engaged.  

Before I noped out of there, I found some nude photos of Noah Galvin's real-life boyfriend, Ben Platt

More nude dudes after the break