I haven't reviewed anything on Amazon Prime for awhile, because I'm annoyed by having to wade through two minutes of commercials before they'll let me check to see if it's awful. But a Christmas-themed murder mystery in July sounds fun, and the title has two allusions: Blood Actually , a Murder They Hope Mystery (Love Actually, Murder She Wrote).
Scene 1: Santa Claus runs through the woods, terrified and bleeding. We hear a squelch as he is murdered off-camera. Cut to the opening credits.
An elderly man and his much younger wife or daughter discuss how this will be the best Christmas ever as they approach their Christmas holiday cottage. The guy with the key popped down to the pub, but that's ok. They love old-fashioned English pubs full of friendly villagers.
Scene 2: The Cock Inn. I'd patronize that. Carolers are singing "Ding Dong, Merrily On High," which I've never heard before. Must be distinctly British.
When the Elderly Man and his Wife or Daughter enter, the carolers and pub patrons glare in anger and "cold contempt." Are they acquainted with the couple, or do they belong to an evil fertility cult?
One of the villagers, Gavin, approaches to apologize: "We don't get too many outsiders here." He is shushed by the head caroler-- wait, that's Jane Horrocks, the ditzy assistant Bubble on Absolutely Fabulous!
And Jack Carroll from Coronation Street is one of the glaring patrons (nude photo after the break).
The Elderly Man, Terry, is played by Johnny Vegas, who starred with Jack in Eaten by Lions. Tour bus driver Terry and guide Gemma (Sian Gibson) have stumbled upon murders in two movies, two tv miniseries, and two tv specials. By this point, they have married and started their own private investigation business, but they're just here for the Christmas holiday.
Creepy David, who owns the holiday cottage they're renting, takes them to get settled. When they leave, the carolers and patrons glare and fuss; "What are they doing here? They'll ruin everything!" Are they planning a Midsommer-style human sacrifice orgy?
By the way, Creepy David lives in the granny flat out back, but it has no kitchen, so he'll be popping in to do his own cooking, and he's coming to their Christmas Dinner, of course.
Left: Creepy David is played by Peter Davidson. Not the multiple-tattooed Peter Davidson; he was the fifth Doctor Who, appearing 1981-84, and in many movies, tv series, and podcasts thereafter.
When he leaves, Gemma notes a problem: she was busily eating a chocolate mousse, and left the turkey on the kitchen counter back home. This freaks out Terry: "It's not Christmas, it's Nothing-mas!"
Scene 4: Terry rushes into the village to see if there are any turkeys left. There are three in a shop with a sign: "All are welcome. Terms and conditions apply."
Uh-oh, the proprietor is Bubble, the most vicious of the carolers. "We haven't got any turkeys for you. Those are reserved for members of our community."
Terry notices a poster for the Santathalon -- prizes for the best Santa Claus! Anyne in the village is permitted to compete. Aha, a loophole! If he wins the contest, he'll be accepted as a member of the community, and then she'll have to sell him a turkey. Bubble grudgingly agrees.
Cut to Terry modeling the makeshift Santa Suit that he made from the clothes of Creepy David's dead wife. This causes David to tear up. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 9.
Scene 5: Terry at the pub with the other Santa contestants, including Martin Kemp of EastEnders (left). Robert (Ed Kear) of Nasty Neighbors brags that he has made runner-up seven times, but his opponent points out that he's lost seven times,and goes on to point out that he's slept with Robert's wife. Heterosexual identity established immediately. Robert counters that this is not a big deal, because he's slept with everyone's wife.
"You've just made the Naugty List," Eaten By Lions points out. And you'll be the first victim, I'll bet.
While they are bickering, a muscular Green Man enters (Samuel Anderson of Emmerdale Farm, top phhoto) and announces that he is Centaur Klausenhof, a Scandinavian Santa Claus (no such being). He insults Terry by calling him Klausenhoff's Empty-Headed Servant, Rupert.
Scene 6: The first challenge: Give a gift to a ceramic child, judged by your kindness and your ho-ho-hos.
Terry suggests using a real child, which causes everyone to glare, stare at the floor, and hug each other in despair. "There are no children in the village," Bubbles says ominously. Have they sacrificed all their kids?
Perpetual runner-up Robert goes first, but is disqualified for using an inhaler. Next Terry, but when he opens the package, a head in a Santa hat drops out!
"It's going to be that sort of Christmas," Terry says resignedly. You're an amateur. Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote" stumbled upon murders 264 times.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
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Scene 7: The head belongs to Gavin, the caroler who apologized for the villagers' rudeness earlier (Terry Mynott of Motherland). The local Constable (Robert Webb of Peep Show, left) says there's nothing to worry about; in a rural community, there's bound to be accidents. That's all it was. Terry tries to protest, but he reiterates: he's married to Bubble, who loves this village and will do anything to protect it, so keep your suspicions to yourself.
Cut to the police taking the body away. Eaten by Lions asks Bubble if he has time to make his escape. She shusses him.
The Constable continues: obviously Terry is the murderer!
"But I'm not vaguely suspicious," Terry protests.
"Ok, but one more murder, and I'll be displeased."
Scene 8: Terry goes home and tells his wife Gemma about the decapitated Santa Claus.
"So, there's been a murder in a village with no children, where everyone hates us and there's tons of secrets?" She's thrilled: a chance to use their sleuthing skills. But he's tired of solving murders everywhere they go; couldn't they just have a nice Christmas dinner?
She consents: "We'll stay out of it. I'll help you win the contest."
Left: Johnny Vegas, maybe.
Scene 9: The next task is the Christmas parade, with all of the Santas on homemade sleighs, some made of shopping trollies and baby cribs. Gemma notices that one of the Santas (Martin Kemp) is drinking mulled wine,. He starts choking, and drops dead while Eaten by Lions looks on suspiciously.
Later, Gemma wonders why Bubble isn't grieving over the murder of her close friend. She notes that she doesn't cry; she prefers a "terrifying frostiness."
"So, the first murder victim was your ex-husband. Were you having an affair with the second?"
"Of course. In the country everyone is having affairs. I've had affairs with Gavin, Roy, Ed, Mandy...So why would I kill this one?"
"To keep your husband, the Constable, from finding out?"
"Oh, the Constable never finds anything out. He's an idiot."
Back home, Terry is cooking parsnips when the Constable stops by to ask why he left the parade so quickly. He thinks that Terry and Gemma are murdering the Santas to make sure that he wins the competition and gets his Christmas turkey.
Next, Eaten by Lions drops in with intel on the murders. He's lived here all his life, and gone to work for most of the villagers, but they always sack him in a few weeks. "Plus they never laugh at my jokes."
"That just means that you're very unlikeable."
Left: Jack Carroll's dick.
His murder intel: "Keep an eye on Susan." The one who runs the Santa competition.
Cut to Susan crossing names off the Santa competition ledger.
"I'm worried that it will be me next," Eaten by Lions continues.
Gemma returns, so he gets up to leave. The Constable asks to go with him, as he's "a bit scared." I'll bet one of them gets murdered.
When they leave, Terry and Gemma congratulate each other on staying out of the murder investigation. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Terry goes to answer it, and screams!
Scene 10: Psych! It's just two ladies in reindeer costumes. Terry screams again and walks away crying. They must be ladies from earlier movies/tv shows. They didn't like the idea of Terry and Gemma being alone for the holidays, so they hacked into her emails to find out where they were, and dropped by.
Creepy David comes in and is entranced by the ladies. They are disgusted.
Scene 11: Morning, with Susan telling herself "Let's see this thing through to the end," Eaten by Lions tearing down Santa competition posters, and Robert, the guy who's been runner-up seven years in a row, drinking and looking suspicious.
There's a note on the front porch: "If you want to crack the case, visit the Village Hall." Terry wants to stay out of it, so Gemma and the two ladies go. They find a giant firecracker (a Christmas tradition in Britain),with Susan inside. They try to rescue her by pulling on the ends, which makes it explode. Another murder victim! I knew she was a red herring.
Scene 12: Everyone examines the crime scene. Terry is upset because murder victim Susan ran the contest, so now it will be cancelled and he won't get his Christmas turkey. Centaur Klausenhoff from earlier arrives; the two ladies flirt with him, but he is only interested in Gemma. And I'm out of space.
Beefcake: The men are all quite unattractive except for Jack Carroll and Samuel Anderson, and those two are always fully clothed.
Heterosexism: Gemma keeps wanting to get sexy with her husband Terry, but it's just conversation.
Gay Characters: Jack Carroll's character doesn't have a wife or express any heterosexual interest, so I'll identify him as gay by default.
My Grade: This is obviously an old person's show, like Love Boat and Fantasy Island back in my childhood, or for that matter the original Murder She Wrote: A vehicle for you to say "Hey, I recognize him from ..." get nostalgic, and not pay much attention to the plot. And it worked. I got all nostalgic for Absolutely Fabulous.
Best notify my next of kin -- this wheel shall explode
See also:
The Brady Bunch Dad Plays a Swishy Queen on Murder She Wrote
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