Gemstones Episode 1.4: Keefe looks for love in a sports bar, Gideon and Scotty date, and Kelvin meets a girl. Plus Blair Jackson and Daedalus dicks

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Gemstones Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Baby Billy gets naked, and Scotty shoves his wiener into Gideon's face.. With some bonus wieners.

In Episode 2, we saw problems in the developing Kelvin/Keefe and Judy/BJ relationships: Kelvin is too hesitant, and BJ too eager.  But the main takeaway was Gideon: Jesse's estranged son is one of the blackmailers!  Episode 3 will develop the Gideon/Scotty plot arc further, postponing Kelvin/Keefe to their centric episode, "Wicked Lips."  But first we need Kelvin to out himself a few times.

Title: "They are weak, but He is strong."  From "Jesus Loves Me," a hymn by Anna Bartlett Warner published in 1862, but based on 2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV: "When I am weak, then I am strong."  You can't get much weaker than these guys.

Baby Billy's Cock:  The childhood home of Eli's late wife, famous Gospel singer Aimee-Leigh. A poster advertises the "Sing for Joy" concert tour, featuring the Freeman's Gap duo, Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy.  Two children on the cover of a single album, "Misbehavin'."  They must have been a brother-sister act as children, before Aimee-Leigh became a serious gospel singer.  A young woman yells that Baby Billy's hot milk is ready; she brings it to him as he bathes outside.

We see the back of his head -- now white-haired -- as he describes the satellite church his brother-in-law Eli is giving him -- "in the middle of everything -- fun chain restaurants, name-brand clothing stores."  We see his face -- fans of Danny McBride's work will recognize him as Walton Goggins of Vice Principals in old-age makeup. 

He stands -- a huge cock fills the screen!  Objectively it's not very big, but we've never seen a close-up of a cock in any tv show before, and rarely anything at all, so it is startling and highly erotic, underscoring that Baby Billy is a creature of prodigious sexual appetite. 

Although Walton Goggins has been nude on camera before, in this case they hired a stunt cock belonging to an unidentified 80-year old man from town,  

Trivia note: Baby Billy is actually 66 or 67 in this scene, and Walton Goggins is 51.  

Baby Billy promises Tiffany, his new wife -- Number Four, plus a number of boyfriends -- a world of "riches and glamour" with the Gemstones. 

Eyes on the Prize: Gideon meditates on the Tao te Ching as the family prepares for church: "Eyes on the prize. To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders."   He's actually quoting the Tao te Ching wrong.

On the way to the Salvation Center, his brothers ask about the celebrities he met in Hollywood.  Well, Vin Diesel (left). Jesse tries to one-up him by claiming to have met Telly Savalas, star of Kojak (1973-78). Jesse was not born until 1981, so he couldn't have watched in real time.

The Satellite Church: Judy, BJ, and Kelvin are scoping out the dying shopping mall where they opened the satellite church: "All around America, capitalism is dying," Kelvin points out. "That's when we step in."  He will never display this insightful knowledge of economics, or anything other than muscles, again.  

Queer code: First Kelvin does a little femme flutter and hand-on-waist.  Then a hot girl walks past: an opportunity for him to demonstrate that he is heterosexual with a double-take?  No,he  looks the other way. 

Baby Billy is greeting the congregants in front of gigantic photos of himself and Kelvin.  Why Kelvin, in particular?  Maybe to indicate that they're both outsiders, struggling to be taken seriously by the family.  Or because they both have huge cocks.

As Baby Billy begins the service, the siblings watch from offstage.  Gideon tunes up his guitar.  Judy comments that he's "looking tasty. Staying in shape." Kelvin agrees; "He is. That's showbiz, right?  You to to keep a tight physique."  You just outed yourself to your sister, Kelv Baby.

Jesse disagrees: lots of people who work behind the scenes are "fat as fuck,."  But, Kelvin insists, if you want to be a star, you have to be a "specimen...a straight unit." According to the Urban Dictionary, a "straight unit" is a guy who is tall, strong, muscular, and well-hung. How much farther out can Kelvin get?

Afterwards the siblings meet Tiffany.  They disapprove of her countrified lack of refinement, her teeth, and her insistance that they call her Aunt Tiffany, even though she is younger than 

My Wiener in Your Face:  That night, while Jesse and Amber discuss whether Gideon is Saul or Paul (before or after finding Jesus), Gideon answers the question for us: he goes through his parents' stuff, looking up the value of things he could steal and sell, now that the blackmail plot has fallen through.  Their nightstand, for instance, cost $2700.

Meanwhile, at the campground where Scotty is staying, he stumbles out of the van and urinates in front of everyone. A guy protests "Don't nobody want to see that penis!" Scotty counters: "Then quit lookin' at it."  A reference to Scotty liking guys to appreciate his penis?

Gideon brings him the list of stuff to steal, but Scottyy tears it up: he doesn't want furniture and jewelry, he wants money. He begins to erupt, but Gideon assures him: "I can get it, but my parents don't trust me yet. Be patient."

To demonstrate how unhinged he is, Scotty puts a cigarette out on his tongue and waves a wiener on a wire in front of Gideon's face. This is, of course, a symbolic threat of sexual assault.

Jesse Discovers Who Did It: Kelvin is singing to his siblings and the crew: Jesse  notes that "Music has always calmed my vicious temper."  Gregory wants to give them all coins to memorialze their bond, but they point out that "We did it!" sounds like a confession of guilt.  I still don't understand what Kelvin did.

Next, Jesse annoucnes that he has discovered the identity of the third blackmailer; slender frame walks with a swagger, used to being on stage, and very close to him. Sounds like Gideon, right? 

Nope, it's Levi (lead guitarist in the Gemstone rock band).  Jesse threatens him with a knife. Kelvin is horrified, but Judy loves it: "Put it in his bottom!", another sexual assault.   Why doesn't Kelvin intervene?  He seems to have trouble speaking up when he sees his siblings doing something awful.  

Jesse finally decides that Levi is innocent and "forgives" him.   He runs out, yelling: "That's too far.  You play too much."  .One expects him to break up with Jesse and the crew, but he sticks around as if nothing life-threatening has happened.

  

I feel bad about pretending that "wiener" meant penis instead of "hot dog" to drive up pageviews, so here are some real wiener-dicks.

One of my favorites, but taken from the internet, so I don't know who he is.

Military dick.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dicks, a rattle snake, and the Devil's testicle

Episode 1.2 continues the plot arc of Jesse confronting the blackmailers who have a video of his sex-and-drugs party. 

 

Title: "Is this the man who made the Earth tremble?" From Isaiah 14.15: Everyone is amazed at the fall of the King of Babylon. Here we're looking at the fall of Eli Gemstone.

The Ladyboys of Thailand:  The red van in the deserted parking lot.  The head blackmailer, Scotty, wearing a scary devil mask, is talking with his companions, a woman named Lucy and an unidentified man.  He dismisses the  misconception that Thailand is all about ladyboys "hanging out of windows with their cocks in their panties." But: Thailand also has great food, great beaches, "and we're going to be taller than everyone else." 

The ladyboys or kathoey of Thailand have male-coded sexual characteristics but present as feminine.  They were traditionally called a third gender, but with the globalization of Western LGBT identities, they are more likely today to identify as femme gay men or trans women.  Scotty's statement suggests that he is into ladyboys, but his companions are not, so he is trying to convince them that Thailand has other attractions, too.

The siblings arrive and drop the bags of money in front of the van.  Scotty gets out to pick it up and -- Jesse attacks!  Lucy, wearing a scary baby mask, shoots at them.  They jump back into their car and run over Scotty, and then Lucy, when she rushes to his aid. The third blackmailer takes off his mask: it's a young man played by Skyler Gisondo.  

The Young Man yells "Scotty!" and runs up and cuddles him like a lover!  They are obviously boyfriends.He helps Scotty up, and they carry Lucy to the van and drive away. 

Scotty thinks that Lucy is dead, so they try to throw the corpse down a hill.  But she's alive!

Did it really happen?:  The next day, the siblings return to the parking lot.  There is no evidence of the blackmailers.  Jesse suggests that it was never real to begin with, and Judy, "a spiritual test that we had to overcome."  Kelvin thinks it was real, but the others criticize him for "projecting negativity."  

The next order of business: how should they divvy up the money Judy stole from the church: give it all back (Kelvin) or give half back and split the rest (Jesse). Why do these people need money?  Aren't they, like, rich? Maybe Daddy controls everything, and gives them an allowance.

Suddenly Kelvin jumps out of the car.  Jesse scoffs that he wants to buy a new pair of 22s, custom shoes hand-crafted by Gabe Apodaca in Italy, keying into his gay-coded fashion obsession.  But he's actually noticed a security camera: they could get the van's license plate number!

Lucy has what Scotty needs: At the hospital, Scotty and the Young Man discuss what to tell Lucy about the hill  She's "all fucked up," but Scotty  wants to see her anyway, because she can make him cum. 

He waits for the Young Man to offer a blow job instead, but he doesn't. 

Psych!  Scotty isn't planning on sex after all: he puts her in a wheelchair, and exclaims "We're getting out of here.!"  (Butt shot: his hospital gown is open in the back) Why did Scotty tell the Young Man that he wanted sex with Lucy?  Apparently to make him jealous, but of who?  Lucy, Scotty, or both?

"Did you just blow a kiss at me?": Cut to Jesse discovering that his wife and kids are still in contact with the runaway Gideon.  They even have good news: he just got cast in a Netflix movie; "he's doing well in LA, following his dreams."  Pontius repeats "Hollywood" in a sultry voice, then blows Jesse a kiss, teasing that Gideon is gay.  

Jesse wants to know how they dare to contact him when he "snipped our nuts." Why is moving to California like castrating your father?  

 

The New Threat: Scotty, Lucy, and the Young Man are eating Chinese food at a cheap hotel.  But wasn't she on life support? The hard drive containing the video is ruined, and they don't have a backup. The blackmail plot has failed. Scotty and Lucy blame each other. 

We cut to Jesse forcing his crew to go into the Rimtyme, a real Charleston-area store that sells custom tires and rims, to get the security cam footage.  But the manager doesn't believe their made-up story, and they return empty-handed.  

They return, knock over tire displays, assault the manager, and steal the security machine.  

 We return to Gideon filming Scotty as he issues a new threat: "You can't kill the devil, son!" The blackmail price is now $2,000,000.  The others complain that he doesn't sound realistic.

The Young Man  and Lucy go out to smoke a cigarette and have a heart-to-heart. "This whole thing was my  idea," he announces. "Scotty may act like the leader, but he wouldn't have anything if it weren't for me."  So, he's the dominant one in the triad?  

 Lucy wants to know if they threw her down the hill.  He denies it, but she calls him a "pussy bitch."  hea's not the leader at all, he's Scotty's "bitch," sexually subservient. 

Matthew Touches Kelvin: Cut to church. Eli is preaching on what happens when you try to do things yourself, instead of relying on God: you fall prey to the snakes of the world.  This will become important later.  They may be disguised as a caring neighbor or trusted friend, but if you let them in, they will destroy you. 

Jesse and Judy, sitting in the congregation with their partners, excuse themselves and rush upstairs, where they meet with Kelvin and Jesse's crew.  We do not see Kelvin in the congregation.  Why not?  So he won't be shown sitting with Keefe, thus identifying them as partners in a parallel to Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ?  

The security footage reveals that there are three blackmailers, and they drive a red van.  Kelvin suggest tracking them down with traffic cams.  Jesse likes this idea, and congratulates his "baby bro-bro."  Matthew gives him a bro-butt slap, but Kelvin recoils: "Don't touch me."  You don't like guys touching you, Kelv Baby?  What are you, straight?  Or is something else going on?

So, where will we get that traffic cam footage? "I know someone who can help."

Kelvin touches Keefe:  To find out who is blackmailing Jesse, Kelvin leads the siblings to the DMV, where Keefe works. He can use traffic cams to locate their vehicle.  "I could lose my job for this," he says, "But I'd do anything for you."  Kelvin touches his arm, and Keefe touches the place he touched.  This is where Tony Cavalero states that Keefe begins to fall in love.  In the last episode, you weren't sure about moving from friendship to romance with Kelvin.  Now you're ready to go? 

They clasp hands, and Kelvin gives him that "I'm desperate to kiss you" look.

Keefe continues:  "I'd even kill myself if you asked me to."  He apparently says this a lot, and Kelvin finds it embarrassing. The siblings scoff.  It is a very strange way to express gratitude to someone who brought you to Christ, signifying toxic dependency. Fortunately, Keefe never says it again.   

Compare with Keefe's  much more pro-active Season 3 statement that he is willing to give his life and his body to rescue Kelvin.

The Devil's Kiss:  The Young Man is exercising in the hotel room when Scotty bursts in, ready to attack him because the backup video is broken.  Lucy calls him out and admits to destroying it. Furthemore, she's leaving him because of the throwing-her-down-the-hill thing.  I'm tired of keeping up the mystery; it's super-obvious by this point anyhow: The Young Man is Jesse's son Gideon.

Scotty tells Lucy that it was going to be "just you and me" in Thailand, but earlier he said all three of them.  He seems to have a dominant-submissive relationship with both, and is playing them off each other, telling Lucy "you can easily be replaced" and Gideon, "I might make you my favorite."  Now his dominance is challenged.  He returns to the hotel room and yells at Gideon for telling Lucy about the hill.  "Why'd you tell her?  You like her? You think she likes you?"  His two subs certainly can't be interested in each other!

To restore his dominance, Scotty attacks.  Gideon doesn't want to hurt him, but defends himself with both boxing and martial arts.  He promises to get the money some other way.  

Scotty starts to strangle him, says "If you don't, I will kill you," and covers Gideon's nose with his mouth, signifying raw erotic power and absolute control.  

Before we continue, some bonus Palestinian guys.

Somewhere in the Middle East, anyway.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth boy, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus a bisexual orgy, nude Chengdu dudes, and Scott Wolfe's bulge

In the new year, let's go back to the beginning, or at least to 2019, for Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.1

Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children.  Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!

Left: Fireman from Chengdu.  Or somewhere in China, anyway.

The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello).  Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is."  Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference? 

The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force.  Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's

They are dropped off at their houses. First  Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham.  Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone. 

Kelvin and the Vampire:  Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail.  Suddenly a half-naked man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead. 

He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting. 

Kelvin: "You scared the bullcrud out of me!"  

Left: At the gym

The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man.  I'd like to keep your bullcrud in."  Another reference to butts.

Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my butt."  Second butt reference, this one alluding to anal sex.

He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me." 

Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay?  Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?

After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.

It went fine.  Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms.   Why the couch?

Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed.  I told you you could."   Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him, so sex can happen by "accident"?

Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling.  It's lonely"   Very insightful.  He can sense Kelvin's loneliness.  There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .

Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here."  House-sitting?  Why would the family care?

Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ.  How long have they known each other?  In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks.  But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart.  Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .  

Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so.  Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?

"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks."  Staying up past your bedtime?  Eating sugar?  Are you planning a sexual encounter or a junior high sleepover?

Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot."  A sexual double-entendre.  Keefe is overtly excluding Kelvin from his erotic life,  saying "I'm going to have sex, but you're not invited." 

Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.

As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated.  He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving.   He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.

Kelvin seems to be pushing for a sexual relationship, but Keefe isn't sure.  He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks.  He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before.  It's best to reject overtures that sound too sexual, play it cool, and see what happens. 

I have gay friends:  Night.  Jesse goes into hs son Pontius's room and kisses him on the forehead. You've been home for hours, so why wait until he's asleep to kiss him?  Wouldn't a father generally do that as his son is going to bed?  I think someone goofed with the continuity, and thinks that Jesse just got home.

Pontius assumes that Jesse wants a sexual encounter and calls him a "faggot."  The first and only homophobic slur of the season.

Jesse counters that he's just doing a father-son thing, and chastises Pontius: "I got friends who are homosexual." Pontius takes this as additional evidence that his father is gay.  Since Danny McBride's previous characters have been homophobic, it is important that he demonstrate that Jesse is a gay ally.  But why now, directly after the first Kelvin/Keefe meeting?  Doubtless he means "a gay brother." 

Next, Pontius lays on the bad boy routine: he doesn't believe in God; as soon as he's 18, he'll run away to California "like Gideon" and never talk to his parent again.  Jesse slaps Pontius, and warns him to never mention Gideon's name. 

Left: In the library

This has been a lot to digest.  Who would expect a show from Danny McBride, producer of Vice Principals and Eastbound & Down,  would have a major gay character?  And played by Adam Devine, who played a hetero-horny dudebro on Workaholics and fell in love with a girl in Modern Family?  

But wait a minute: if you want Kelvin to be gay, why not say so?  Say the word "gay," or have the guys kiss.  Other tv shows with gay characters do the word or the kiss in the first scene.  If you don't, the "they can't be gay!" camp is going to argue and argue to the bitter end. 

Plus, in an interview during Season 2, Adam envisions that in ten years, Kelvin will be married to a woman.  In another interview, he says that he wants to play a gay guy who doesn't go through a long, painful coming-out process, but has regular adventures with his boyfriend. It sounds very much like he perceives his character as straight. Or is he dissimulating to keep viewers guessing?

Things are going to get even crazier after the break 

Gemstones Episode 2.9: Who killed Thaniel? Were Eli and Junior lovers? Will Kelvin ever come out? Can we see some naked twinks?

It's the last episode, time for answers to the big questions of the season:  Who killed Thaniel?  Who is trying to kill Eli?  Will Keefe ever be admitted to that family dinner? 

Title: "I Will Tell of All Your Deeds."  Psalms 9.1, NIV: "I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."  Hopefully we'll hear about some of the Lord's deeds.

The Thaniel Answer:  A flashback: Thaniel Block (Jason Schwartzman), the snoopy reporter who was murdered in Episode 2.2, is yelling at Lyle Lissons, the megachurch pastor who wants Jesse to invest in his Christian resort!  How do those two know each other?

Ulp, Thaniel is forcing Lyle to dig up dirt on the Gemstones, but all he has provided so far is satellite church pastor Butterfield having a  three-way in the dance club restroom (See Episode 2.1)

Not good enough.  Thaniel wants Eli Gemstone, the most famous televangelist and megachurch pastor in the world.   Bringing down the Gemstones will win him a Pulitzer! 

But Lyle needs their money for his resort.  How about if he frames some of his own satellite church pastors for embezzlement? 

No, Eli Gemstone, "Or I'll do a story on your strange relationship with some of the boys at your orphanage."  Uh-oh, Lyle is a pe dophile!  

Lyle goes out to his car, where the ministers he offered to betray are waiting. One is played by Chad Mountain, linked below. 

They brought hand grenades to kill Thaniel with.  But one of the idiots pulls the pin, and is exploded!   Thaniel investigates the noise and shoots another, then runs back into his house, where he accidentally shoots himself!

Lyle and the two surviving ministers hide when a car approaches. It's the Gemstone siblings, coming to tell Thaniel to back off. So this is all happening during Episode 2.2.   They see Thaniel's corpse and the other dead guys and run away.  To avoid discovery, Lyle tells his ministers to burn down the house.  Then, worried that the siblings may have seen them, he burns them to death, too.  

 So now we know who killed Thaniel and the other men, and I'm guessing that Lyle sent the Cycle Ninjas, too.  We just need the answer to the Keefe question.

Toxic father, toxic son: Lyle and Lindsey Lissons are visiting his elderly Dad Roddy (John Amos), who is not happy to see him: "You took everything I cared about, locked me up in this....prison."  "You mean an expensive care facility?"  Whoa, Lindsey actually slaps him and threatens him. Murder and elder abuse!  

They have come to give Roddy a permanent room at the Christian resort they are building  -- with some of the money the've stolen from him.  But since he's acting so snippy, they rescind the offer

Toxic father-son relationships this season: Roy Gemstone-Eli, Glendon Marsh-Junior, Lyle Lissons-Roddy, Baby Billy Freeman-Harmon, Eli-Kelvin, Jesse-Pontius. 

Personal note: John Amos and I used to go to the same gym in West Hollywood. We never became friends, but we had a sort of nodding acquaintanceship.  I did manage to see him in the shower.

The hand-holding fist bump:  In a reprise of the first Sunday dinner in Episode 2.1, identical SUVs pull up, and the family walks in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse, reveling in their heteronormative nuclear family success:  first Eli, then Jesse/Amber and their kids; then BJ/Judy and their "daughter" Tiffany; and finally -- Kelvin and Keefe?  

Kelvin holds out his fist, a call-back to their “bro” fist-bump in their first scene together, but insted, Keefe cups his hand over his, then moves away.  They're walking side by side, so they couldn't fist-bump anyway; Kelvin wants to hold hands, imitating what Jesse and Amber are doing, but Keefe doesn't follow through. 

Kelvin looks defiant, daring someone to comment; Keefe looks decidedly nervous. The romantic has superseded the friendly.  No more hiding, no more dissimulation: they are “out” as romantic partners.   

The song playing in the background is Daniel Boone’s “Beautiful Sunday”: “ When you said you loved me, oh my, it’s a beautiful day.”

The hand-holding fist-bump received a huge amount of attention from fans, with statements like "True love!" and "I wish I had a love like that."  Tony Cavalero posted it on his Instagram with the caption "Hold on tight to the one you love the most for the Season finale." 

Personal note:  This is the first scene of The Righteous Gemstones that I watched.  My partner was a fan, but I was worried that it would bring up painful memories of growing up Nazarene.  That night I was crossing the living room on the way to the kitchen for a snack, and I glanced at the tv set: a gay couple walking toward Jason's Steakhouse with the rest of the conservative evangelical family!  They were completely nonchalant about it: no angst, no hiding, no homophobia!  I was instantly hooked.  

Upon arriving at the restaurant, Kelvin holds the door open for Keefe, and as he enters, slaps him on the butt, a “goose” that is commonly used to express a casual, playful sexual intent.  In the first dinner scene, Kelvin’s homoerotic desire barred Keefe from entry.  Now it pushes him in, and symbolically into the family.

Kevin Comes Out:  At the dinner, Kelvin can’t stop grinning.  His joy is infectious, a welcome relief after his near-constant physical pain and emotional turmoil through the season, but perhaps unnecessary: everyone has been so thoroughly prepared that they could hardly have a reaction other than complete nonchalance. 

Eli announces the groundbreaking party for Zion's Landing: “I think we should all attend this important event as a family.”  Kelvin turns to Keefe, but not to ask him to come, since no separate invitation is necessary: all family members are invited.  He is asking if it’s ok, giving Keefe the power to veto the idea (he might not want to spend several days with people who pretended that he didn’t exist before last week).  Keefe nods his consent: they can go.  He is no longer a kept boy, an assistant, or a good buddy: they are equal partners, both invited to the table.

The Kiddo Ranch:  At the Lissons'  Kiddo Ranch, the orphanage Thaniel mentioned,  Lyle walks through roomsful of little kids, tousing boys' hair.  Uh-oh, does he have a "special relationship" with them?

His manager, Minister Mike,  tells him that "They're back.  Some of them are pretty banged up."  

Whoa, teenage or young adult motorcyclists doing crazy stunts.  Big reveal: Lyle sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill Eli!  So the "strange relationship" was a misdirection.  He isn't a pedophile, he's training professional assassins.

  "Some of them can be pretty nasty," Minister Mike adds.  "That's what happens when nobody loves you." 

The Cycle Ninjas want the $100,000 Lyle promised them to kill Eli, but he notes that they failed, so they get nothing.  They draw guns on him, and he changes his mind, but they have to wait until after this weekend.  He has some money coming in at the Ground-breaking Party.  

A bonus cyclist dick.

Whew, the big questions have been answered. But we still need some reconciliations to finish the season (after the break).

Gemstones Episode 2.8: Baby Billy sees a ghost, Judy becomes a mom, and Kelvin gets ***.up. Plus nude short guys

Title:  "The Prayer of a Righteous Man."  James 5:16: "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Whose fervent prayer is going to avail some miracles?

This ain't the 1970s: In 1993 Memphis, Junior and his dad Glendon are watching midget wrestling featuring "heel" Chris Blanton, aka "Little Fabio"

Glendon thinks that it's the wave of the future, but Junior complains that it's old-fashioned.  He wants to liquidate their gambling operation to raise money for some big wrestling promotions:"This ain't the 1970s.  Wrestling has changed. You need big money to go after big talent." Glendon nixes the idea.

Next complaint: Glendon was going to leave Junior the business when he retired, but he never retires:  "Look at me, Daddy: I'm going gray with my dick in my hand."   Look at him, with his jaunty hand on hip, similar to after spending the night with Eli earlier this season.  He's got some femme mannerisms going on  I'm looking at a middle-aged gay man.

Glendon wants to know how he can retire when his idiot son has terrible ideas and does everything wrong?  "You hurt my feelings," Junior exclaims, starting to cry.  The boy gets hurt feelings a lot, doesn't he?   Glendon mocks him.  But he agrees that he's been holding on too long: let's liquidate the gambling operation.

We cut to Glendon being upset while Junior loads the slot machines into a truck for Mr. Dukare (played by Dakare Chatman, who was playing a teenager in Season 1.) 

Later, Junior counts the money, annoucing that they will triple it with their new wrestling promotions.  

But Glendon has other ideas. Brandishing a gun, he orders: "Handcuff yourself to that inversion table and shut the fuck up."  He then moons Junior and leaves: "You ain't never going to see ths old ass again."  

Junior screams and cries. Glendon goes off to visit Eli and get murdered on Christmas Day, 1993. 

In the present, Martin visits the captured Cycle Ninjas in jail: a group of scruffy teenagers.  Sheriff Brenda tells him that they have fake ids, no fingerprints in the system, and they aren't talking.  Martin tries to use psychology: "We know who sent you. Now you tell us."  But it doesn't work; they just fart at him.

Cut to Baby Billy selling his health elixer in a nursing home. Afterwards the spirit of his sister Aimee-Leigh appears, and encourages him to visit his son Harmon, whom he abandoned in a shopping mall in 1993. "It's time," she tells him, and "You know I'm right."  He tells her to get lost.  Aimee-Leigh appears in the Seasons 1 and 3 finales, but doesn't interact with anyone.  I wonder if she is a hallucination here.

Eli's physical therapy:  Eli gathers the siblings, their partners, and Gideon to thank them for their role in his recovery.  Keefe is not present, but Eli tells Kelvin: "You and Queef have been such a help. I keep saying 'Go back to your house,' but you wouldn't hear it. You've stayed on, helping me get on my feet with physical therapy."  He gets Keefe's name wrong, but at least he acknowledges that Kelvin has a partner.  

Wait -- how could Kelvin administer physical therapy with his hand injury? I'm getting an image of Keefe being run ragged from caring for two invalids.  Surely there were nurses around, too. 

Of course, they had an ulterior motive for not going home: the God Squad has taken over their house.

Cut to BJ and Judy putting the very pregnant Tiffany on the bus for the 15 hour trip to her mama's house in West Virginia, where she can raise her son with no money.  At the last moment. Judy asks her to stay: she's family.

Cleansing the Temple: Later that day, Kelvin and Keefe spy on the God Squad as they dance, fight with sticks, run wild on a golf cart, and..um... masturbate into a watering can?   "It's time to cleanse the temple!" Kelvin exclaims.  How could the God Squad control the house for several weeks with no one noticing? There's a housekeeping crew and regular security patrols.  This must be another chronological mishap.

The guys burst into the gym, knocking over things.  "This was a house of prayer, but ye made it a den of thieves!" Kelvin exclaims. Torsten orders the men to put Keefe back in the tiger cage, but Keefe tries to fight back, Kelvin yells "No one re-cages Keefe," and they relent. 

Next he reminds them of all the good he's done. Before joining the God Squad, Torsten was "a little doughboy" who still lived with his parents. "I chiseled you into the sculpture you are today." 

When Cody had cramps, Kelvin "crawled into his yurt and massaged him until sunrise."  A sexual reference, of course.  The guys stare at Cody, who shakes his head -- that didn't happen.  In a cult based on homoerotic desire, why would anyone disapprove of Cody and Kelvin getting busy?  There appears to be a major misunderstanding here. Many of the God Squad musclemen are straight alphas, in it for the muscles, just tolerating the homoerotic activity of Kelvin, his boyfriend, and the guys he invites to the steam showers.

Torsten challenges "the Messiah of the Muscle Men" to another cross raising to determine leadership.

Whoa, there used to be twelve musclemen -- now there are 23.  The cross used to be about ten feet high.  Now it's over thirty!

As Kelvin grabs the crossbars, the casts on his hands fly off -- a miracle!  Although he is much smaller than the musclemen, he is able to "get it up" -- another miracle!  Keefe drops to his knees, apparently in worship.  He needs to decide whether he wants a boyfriend or a Savior.

When he has achieved leadership with "a proper erection," Kelvin orders the God Squad to get out of his house, then pulls Keefe to his feet.  They hug and do their weird forehead press thing, but don't kiss.  I guess it's been decided for him: Kelvin is the strongest, but not the Messiah, and Keefe is an equal partner, not his disciple. 

Torsten: "It's your house, Bro.  You didn't need to get weird about it."  But of course Kelvin had to prove that he was strong, sexually potent -- a man.

No lions, no tigers, no bears: We cut to Eli and his children rehearsing for his welcome-back service. Notice that Kelvin's shirt and jacket display no roaring animals, and his pants display no club-bulge. His obsession with demonstrating his potency is over. 

Later, Eli tells Jesse that he's grown, healed his family, demonstrated his leadership ability, so he'll give him the money to invest in the Zion's Landing Resort after all.  

But what about Junior -- won't he keep on trying to kill them?  "I think it's time you know the truth," Eli says.

He brings his children to the amusement park, and tells them about Christmas 1993. about Glendon Marsh holding him at gunpoint and Daddy Roy coming to the rescue, or maybe just shooting.  Afterwards, Eli wanted to protect his family, and worried that the scandal of having a murdering Dad would destroy his empire, so he and Martin buried the body under the roller coaster. 

Eli determines that the only way to protect his family from Junior is to come clean, tell him everything. Gulp -- he's already trying to kill you because you rejected his friendship.  What will happen when you tell him about his daddy being murdered?   

Before we continue, a bonus for aficionados of short guys: A dwarf swimming champ from Helsinki.  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.7: Holding hands among the yurts and eating pizza for desserts. With a nude Jonathan Bennett bonus

In the last episode, Kelvin and Keefe were ejected from the God Squad and kicked out of their house, and Eli was shot several tis and crashed his car. Gulp, he's dead!

Title: "And Infants Shall Rule Over Them."  Isaiah 3.4: "I will make boys their princes, and infants shall rule over them."   Isaiah is describing the upcoming collapse of Jerusalem after social roles are overturned.  We're going to see Jesse and Kelvin as princes here, with their Daddy gone.

When you get tired of discussing erections: Whew, Eli's not dead after all, but he's in a coma. Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ hug and cry at his bedside.  Kelvin is noticeably absent.  Then the siblings go out into the parking lot and throw up multiple times. followed by the partners.   Is this a common response to grief, or did they all have bad sushi for dinner?

Ok, we're not tired of discussing erections yet:  We cut to Keefe trapped in the God Squad's tiger cage.  There are several openings to look through, but he prefers the glory hole, as if awaiting his next cock.  This time, Sky (Joel Rush, top photo) pushes through, hitting him in the eye!  

Sky didn't really want a blow job, or he would have waited for Keefe to move his mouth into position.  He wanted to tease Keefe, demonstrating what he couldn't have.  The God Squad guys laugh and high-five each other.  In gay communities, and actually among heterosexuals also, the person who performs fellatio is often denigrated, considered physically and socially inferior. Keefe's activity with Kelvin apparently brands him as "a bottom." 

Keefe collapses, screaming in pain, and starts to cry.  He has died and gone to hell, being punished for Kelvin's sins -- a veritable Christ figure.  Note that Keefe undergoes a symbolic death and resurrection in every season.

When the God Squad guys leave, Kelvin appears with food and toiletries.  Interestingly, Keefe calls him by the formal "Brother Kelvin."  He isn't sure that he wants a romantic relationship with this guy who lets him suffer in a tiger cage instead of saying "Game's over! Let Keefe out!" and calling security if the God Squad resists.  But Christ-Keefe doesn't even suggest release; instead, he advises Kelvin that he's as powerful as Eli, just as Jesus was as powerful as his Father.  

Beauty and the Beast:  In church, Jesse announces that Eli was gunned down while driving on Long Point Road. 

Geography note: This is a real road in a suburb of Charleston.  It leads past the Seacoast Church, a megachurch that closely resembles the Salvation Center. 

Afterwards, the family is at their post-church dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, when Kelvin arrives, wearing a dark purple robe, carefully holding his glass of orange drink. 

They yell at him for not being around late;y, but he isn't ready to show himself in public yet. "I am a beast!"  Jesse quips that the robe makes him look like the beauty from Beauty and the Beast.

Next they argue over who will fill the power vacuum left by Eli's absence, until Martin has had enough: "Can't you just be kind to each other? Self-absorbed, loud, arrogant fucking assholes."  That's about the size of it.

Kelvin agrees:"Y'all are a bunch of a-holes."  Jesse points out that he was talking about "you, too, dick-lips."  The term refers to lips that would be especially nice to receive fellatio from: a call-back to the glory hole scene earlier, and yet another reference to Kelvin being gay.  

The Return of Baby Billy: After scenes where Judy promises to become a better person and Gideon announces that he's leaving to take a stunt job, BJ and Tiffany track Baby Billy's movements from his credit card statement.  He's in Winston-Salem, spending money at Sbarro, Bojangles, Tommy Hilfinger, Aeropostale, and the Fossil Watch Store.  

Timeline alert: the dates were all in mid October, 2022. This episode aired on February 13, 2022.  

Tiffany can sound out most of the words; apparently BJ has been teaching her to read.  He has become a father figure. 

In Winston-Salem, Baby Billy is recording a commercial for his new scam, a coconut-flavored health elixir that will cure every disease, even COVID.  Dude, that's false advertising, a criminal offense. On his way out of the studio, BJ, Judy, and Tiffany accost him.  First he tries to hide; then he claims that he was trying to make money to support Tiffany and their son; then he assaults BJ and runs away. 

Jesse's Plan:  After discussing the possibility of blowing up Junior's house and having a heart-to-heart with Martin, Jesse reveals to the siblings his new plan: he'll tell the congregation and the news media that Eli is recovering, and give them his hospital and room number, so the listening Cycle Ninjas will know to where to strike again.  Except Eli won't be there: Jesse will clear the hospital and lay in wait, ready to gun them down. Can you really clear an entire hospital? The siblings think that it's a crazy idea, but he talks them into it: "Let's lie to the church like a fucking family." 

Cut to the ambulances and army jeeps moving Eli to the safe house. Which happens to be his own mansion; is that wise?  Judy, Amber, and the kids join him.

On the third day he rose from the dead:  Meanwhile, Keefe sneaks back to the God Squad compound and tells Keefe: "I'm busting you out of here."  

Wait. When Eli visited, Keefe was already in the tiger cage.  Then he was shot, and they announced that he was in a coma in the Sunday service.  IT'S SUNDAY AGAIN!  Has Keefe been in that cage for over a week?  That would be inconceivably brutal.  Besides it wouldn't fit with the Christ motif: Keefe has to descend "into hell" on Friday, and get resurrected on Sunday.   I think there is a problem with the show's continuity. 

"Are we taking back the house?" Keefe  asks.  I'd be asking a lot more than that, just before I called the police and my lawyer.

"We are ejecting," Kelvin answers. "We'll move in with the rest of the family in the safe house." They run from the Tiger Cage hand in hand, then through the yard to freedom. 

Notice that Kelvin does not have an instrumental reason for offering his hand: Keefe is already standing.  It is purely a gesture of affection..

 This is a significant scene: Kelvin admits that Keefe is a member of the family, and invites a public display of affection that establishes them as a romantic couple.  A scene ago he yelled at Keefe for trying to hold his hand.  Now he initiates it.  

Question: Keefe is wearing only a jockstrap.  Where do they intend to find clothes? Kelvin had to move their stuff out of the master bedroom suite,  but it would still be in the house, right?  

Pizza and Cycle Ninjas:  At the safe house, Keefe goes to work on embedding himself into the family.  First he advises Kelvin to visit his father (and calls him Brother instead of the formal Brother Kelvin).  Then he tries to distract Jesse's kids from the crisis with what he thinks are funny stories.  While they are eating pizza, he notes that as a young boy, he often had pizza for every meal, even for dessert. That's not funny, it's sad.  Where were your parents? 

Personal note: My aunt is only ten years older than me, so I remember her in high school, bringing boyfriends around.  They would invariably try to score points by telling inane "funny" stories.  

We cut to Kelvin visiting the comatose Eli.  He admits that the God Squad was kind of dumb, but he just started it to make Eli proud. And invite a lot of musclemen to the steam showers.  He prays, promising to "never succumb to hubris again" if  God heals Eli.  And Eli speaks!  A miracle! The end.

Oh, right, we still have 15 minutes to go.  Jesse, the men in the family, and the mercenaries waiting in the cleared hospital.   Four Cycle Ninjas appear, armed with rifles. One is shot, and the others flee.  Jesse follows, knocks a second off his motorcycle, and shoves a taser up his butt, enacting an anal rape. Gideon chases and subdues the others.  The end.

Shaun Lynch and Jonathan Bennett after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.6: Yep, they have sex. Plus Judy grows a heart, Torsten a brain, and Amber the noive.

Title: "Never Avenge Yourselves, but Leave It to the Wrath of God." Romans 12:19.  Who will suffer God's wrath?

The Cycle Ninjas:  We begin immediately after the Cycle Ninja attack in Episode 2.4.  Jesse and Amber grab guns and fire on them as they zoom off, grazing one.  He falls off  his motorcycle, but jumps onto his colleague's and gives them the finger.

Later the family, except for Kelvin, gathers in Eli's drawing room to discuss the incident with Sheriff Brenda.  Judy thinks that it was a case of road rage.  Sheriff Brenda thinks that it was a botched robbery by some teenagers: professional assassins would have finished the job.  Eli is sure that Junior sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill him.  Other family members are at risk too, so he puts the compound on lockdown.

Judy complains about being stuck at home, with Tiffany living there after Baby Billy abandoned her. "She cleans everything with vinegar."  Not the time for complaints, girl.  Eli agrees: "Are you incapable of thinking of anyone but yourself?"

Out on the porch, Eli asks if Jesse has been to see Kelvin since the assault: "No. we ain't friends.  He grew up to be a nerd." 

The Second Dressing Room Scene:  We cut to a full body front-and-rear shot of Kelvin, as he stands naked in front of the mirror in his dressing room. "Look at me," he tells Keefe, "A grotesque reflection of what I once was." Dude, you're not going to get any sympathy with that incredible body on display.

 He is distraught over the fight with his father and the loss of the God Squad; he has been de-manned by the symbolic castration. Why should he get dressed?  "I shall remain hidden, like the beast I've become."

 Keefe advises that dressing for the day "soothes the soul," and drops to his knees.  Kelvin pushes his head forward and down to begin oral sex.  We see and (and hear) his climax, orgasm, and post-orgasm release.  Keefe swallows and says "nice." 

The scene lasts only a few seconds, and thus is easy to miss (I missed it the first time).  And it is immersed in the act of getting dressed.  Viewers are expected to be unsure whether they had sex or not, thus continuing the "are they or aren't they?" speculation. 

But the non-sexual explanation makes no sense: 

While stepping into his Tommy Johns, Kelvin steadies himself by pushing on Keefe's head. You steady yourself on your friend's shoulders, not on his head.

Using his hands to push is painful.  Elsewhere he is shown using the palms and base of his hands without pain.  

Keefe says "nice" because...um... Go on? 

Structurally, it is a logical conclusion of the first dressing room scene.  The guys move from quasi-sexual erotic activity to an overt sexual act.

It makes sense for Kelvin's character. He that his injury has rendered him impotent in a society dedicated to the phallus, grotesque in a society that prizes male beauty.   What better way to demonstrate that he is still potent, still beautiful? 

It makes sense for Keefe's character.  You've just gotten a good look at the amazingly hot backside of the Man of Your Dreams, and now you are kneeling with your face three inches from his amazingly hot cock --aroused by your proximity.  What guy could resist going down?

Afterwards, Keefe helps Kelvin get dressed, boops his nose, and puckers up for a kiss.  Kelvin moves in, then changes his mind and abruptly turns aside.  He still resists the idea of romantic love, but he is gradually coming around.

Down in the yard, the God Squad is running a motorcycle over the tennis court and otherwise wilding.  They've even moved into the house.  Kelvin is horrified: "Our empire is crumbling."  Notice that it's now "our" empire; they are equal partners.  Keefe encourages him to prove that he is still strong, physically and mentally: "Your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are."

Judy Grows a Heart:  Judy is signing fan photos with an erect penis and "stay horny," a call back to the Kelvin/Keefe sex scene, while Tiffany calls the area hospitals to see if Baby Billy was  admitted.  Judy scoffs: "He abandoned you."  But Tiffany can't believe it.  Maybe he's still looking for Funyons, and will return with the car loaded-down with them. Maybe he had a stroke, and doesn't remember who he is.  What if he's dead?  

Tiffany starts to cry,  and Judy starts to feel compassion, "thinking of someone other than herself" for maybe the first time in her life. This reminds me of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz: "If I only had a heart."

Amber Grows Courageous.  Next the Cowardly Lion: "If I only had the noive." At the marital support group, Amber brags about how she chased off the Cycle Ninjas and shot one from 50 yards away.  The women cheer.  Jesse, feeling threatened, argues that they were both shooting, and it's unclear who actually "grazed " the Ninja,  The women aren't having it.  Amber luxuriates in the cheers, feeling for the first time that she's her own person, not just an extension of her partner. 

 Later, Jesse's crew tries to console him for being de-manned by his wife. They suggest some buddy-bonding over craft beers, but he refuses.  He's too upset about "the whole church sucking my wife's dick." Another call-back to Kelvin's blow job.

Holding hands in front of the God Squad: In the gym, Kelvin addresses the God Squad's concerns that his broken thumbs make him an inappropriate leader.  He proves his strength by offering them  "Strawberry Shortcake Bahama Bro Smoothies."  and suggests that they join hands to pray about it. 

The God Squad wonders how he can lead them on missions when he can't even lift a smoothie.  He tries, but spills it all over!  The guys laugh and make rude gestures. Keefe tries to comfort him with a hug, but Kelvin brushes him away.

Finally, Torsten -- the scarecrow, "if I only had a brain" -- figures out that he, and other God Squad members, are twice the size of Kelvin.  He should be leader: "Kelvin, I challenge you!"

"But Torsten, you're my gentle giant," Kelvin protests.  Another favorite?  Have they been in the steam showers together? 

They all rush out for the cross-bearing challenge.  But Kelvin is injured, so Keefe will act in his place.

Bonus: Let's compare Adam Devine's facial expressions with a guy having a real orgasm during oral sex.

Any questions?

More after the break