The Feast of the Seven Fishes just dropped on Netflix. All I know is that it's a Christmas movie starring Skyler Gisondo, so the likelihood of gay characters or even subtexts is minimal. I'm going to watch anyway.
Scene 1: Beautiful establishing shots of a mining town in West Virginia, winter 1983. I loved that year! Madonna, Michael Jackson, "I'm Coming Out," Tom Cruise, Family Ties, Mama's Family. Tony (Skyler Gisondo) is painting by the river and gazing at his acceptance letter from a prestigious art school. Angelo (Andrew Schultz, below) and his penis, "Mr. Boner," stop by to tell him about a party with girls desperate to have sex with any guy who asks. "Nope."
Well, how about coming along on his date? There will be extremely horny girls there, too. "Nope." If I didn't know from the plot synopsis that he has two girlfriends, I'd have pegged Tony as gay.
Scene 2: Back in his shabby working-class home, Pap tries to get Tony drunk on homemade hooch. We cut to a super-elegant mansion, where a super-elegant rich girl named Beth yells at her even-richer boyfriend Prentice (Allen Williamson, left) for backing out of his promise to spend Christmas with the family. He's going skiing with his friends instead. Prentice, baby, the first rule of relationships -- never leave them alone at Christmas. They'll be screwing someone else by Boxing Day.
Mom is upset: "You'll never land a rich husband with that attitude! Like all men, he prefers the company of other men." So all men are gay? Beth wants a husband who will spend time with her. That's what gay bffs are for, girlfriend.
Scene 3: Beth hanging out with her Italian-American friend, complaining about this whole "get a rich husband" thing. They smoke pot.
Meanwhile, Tony's Uncles Carmine and Frankie (Ray Arbruzzo, left) are stocking up on booze, when they see Tony's ex, Katie, throwing herself at a truck driver. They discuss her boobs for several minutes before getting around to complaining about her post-breakup downward spiral.
Cut to Juke (Josh Helman, left and below), the family intellectual, telling his buds about the Feast of the Seven Fishes, although they obviously already know. He stops to complain about not having a girlfriend, which is especially tough at Christmas. Foreshadowing -- ten to one he gets with Katie, the one with the big boobs.
Scene 4: Rich-girl Beth and her friend, incredibly high, stare at the menu at a hot dog restaurant, trying to decide what to order. How about hot dogs? They discuss going to a party tonight, but all of the parties are full of girls desperate to have sex with any boy who asks, so they'll get groped and prodded all the time. "Well, maybe I'll do a little groping," the friend jokes. Ok, this is a lesbian.
Nope. "I've been dating this guy and his penis." Wait -- her boyfriends are "Come along on my date tonight" Angelo and Mr. Boner. And they have this cousin: "Cute, nice, smart..." A gay guy would immediately ask "How big is his cock?"
Maybe Rich-girl Beth could dump her Christmas-hating boyfriend for Tony? Or at least seduce him and then dump him on New Year's Day?
Scene 5: At his parents' grocery store, Tony yells at Vince (Cameron Rostami) for being late. They argue and fight until Dad breaks them up and yells at Tony for being too hard on the kid. So, baby brother? They discuss his future running the family business. Uh-oh, Tony hasn't told the folks about art school!
Cut to Vince walking home. His Uncles, who were buying booze and discussing Katie's boobs earlier, give him a ride. See how intricately everybody is interconnected?
They arrive at Tony's house in time for dinner. Dad yells at them for not bringing any "v.o." "Well, you didn't ask for any." "It's Christmas -- we always get v.o." The family so far consists of Dad, Mom, Grandma, two uncles, Juke, Vince. Tony, Cousin Angelo, and his penis.
Meanwhile, Tony, Cousin Angelo, his penis, and the friend (Sarah) are on their way to pick up Rich-girl Beth. They discuss the horrors of Catholic school, with those sadistic nuns, and then wonder why Beth would be into an Italian. "Is she getting extra credit in anthropology class."
How about that? I'm out of space. But you know what's going to happen, right? Tony and Beth, Juke and Katie, the end.
Beefcake: None. But no half-naked girls either, not even at the strip club where Katie works (we just see the back entrance).
Other Sights: Beautiful exteriors and a lot of food cooking, mostly the seven kinds of seafood traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve.
Gay Representation: No, except for an occasional line that could be taken as suggestive. No homophobia either, except for an occasional "fruit."
Plot: Mostly conversations and food preparation. Minimal conflict: Grandma doesn't like Beth because she thinks all Protestant girls are prostitutes, Beth's mom and boyfriend try to get her back, Tony breaks the news of art school. Very predictable, to the point of being clunky.
My Grade: This movie had most of the tropes I hate: "small towns are superior to big cities"; "family is everything"; "girls are the meaning of life"; "gay people do not exist." But for some reason I still liked it, maybe because everyone is so genial. B-
Bonus Italian dicks after the break