Johnny Berchtold: I have good news and bad news. The good news is his cock.

I researched Johnny Berchtold, who plays the gay-vague or maybe canonically gay college student Richard Beck on Season 3 of Reacher.   

I have good news and bad news.

The good news: He is hung.

 

The bad news: The d*ck pic is from the movie A Hard Problem (2021).  Johnny plays a guy who tries to reconnect with his sister and recruits The Girl to help him clean out his deceased mother's house. Heteronormativity all the way down.

The good news:  In addition to Reacher, Johnny has a gay-vague role in  The Passenger (2023). Violent loose-cannon Benson (Kyle Gallner) decides to "fix" beset-upon fast-food worker  Randy (Johnny), killing his bullies, helping him stand up to his overbearing mother, and so on.

The script was heteronormative, but queer director Carter Smith had the actors push up the homoeroticism until they are almost a gay couple.  (Spoiler: one dies at the end).

The bad news: I couldn't find any other gay or gay-vague roles.

In Tiny Pretty Things (2023), his character is married to Claire (Katherine Hahn of Agatha All Along).

In spite of the whimsical pun-title, Dog Gone (2023) is about a dying guy and his dog, who is also dying.  He's probably straight, but I'm not sure: the plot synopsis was so disturbing that I just skimmed through.

In Gaslight (2021), which is about Watergate, not Victorian England, Johnny plays Jay Jennings, the estranged son of Martha Mitchell (wife of Attorney General John Mitchell).  He's married to a woman.

In spite of the whimsical title,  Life as a Mermaid (2016-2018) is a live-action drama about two mermaid sisters living among humans.  Johnny plays the Barnacle King, sort of a nerdish character with disgusting barnacles attached to his face.  He has a male sidekick, but I couldn't stomach watching long enough to determine if he is gay or gay-vague.

Fun fact: Life as a Mermaid is also a documentary about transgender people in Borneo.

The good news: Johnny is way into horror.  His instagram is full of photos of him in bloody and monster makeup, and getting Chucky as a roommate.  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Mark Patton: Freddy Krueger's boyfriend, George Clooney's buddy, artist, scream queen. With his butt and bulge and Clooney's dick

I wanted to do a profile of Mark Patton, the Scream Queen who hooked up with Ricky Schroder in 1988, at least according to my friend in West Hollywood, Zach the Photographer.

He's called the Scream Queen because of Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985), where he plays a gay-vague teenager beset-upon by the nightmare psycho-killer Freddy Krueger.

Plus continuing the tradition of Nightmare hunks like Johnny Depp (left), he shows some butt and bulges.

Mark thought that Nightmare would be his "big break" into mainstream movies.  He was mistaken.

Previously he (right) had played a gay boy in the 1950s (actually a  transgender woman before transitioning), Chuck Connor's son, and the brother of a cloned girl, all roles with gay potential.

When he was cast in Nightmare, he assumed that his character was gay,  but his costar Robert Rusler (above) said "Hell, no!  And if you know what's good for you, you won't mentions gays to David [writer David Chaskin], ever!  He'll have you fired and on the first bus back to Missouri!"

I found the movie homophobic, even for the homophobic 1980s.  There are lots of "fag" slurs. The evil gym coach (Marshall Bell) dies when nightmare killer Freddy Krueger assaults him from behind in the shower, the homophobe's fear of what a gay predator might do.  The boy's "deviant impulses" are cured through the love of a woman.  

In a recent interview, David Chaskin admitted that he put gay codes into the script deliberately, but his goal was homophobic, to point out that gay people are monsters.  Still, the movie has been reclaimed as a queer classic, a gay teenager struggling to come out in a homophobic society that thinks gay people are monsters. 

After Nightmare, Mark found himself at the mercy of agents who tried to de-gay him.  They went through his closet to eliminate "gay" outfits, told him to avoid West Hollywood, and forbade him from being interviewed in The Advocate.

Mark managed a role as straight teenager in a CBS Schoolbreak Special (1986), and the buddy of the guy (George Clooney, left) who is having an affair with his mother on an episode of Hotel (1986).

In 1987, he was cast as a gay teenager, but told that he had to be closeted in real life, so he walked, and became an interior designer.

He lost his first partner, Timothy Murphy, to AIDS in 1988.  According to the story told by Zach the Photographer, he hooked up with Ricky Schroder later that year.

In 2000, while hospitalized for bronchitis, he was diagnosed as HIV positive himself.  

More after the break

Mark Haynes: Psycho-slasher, leather daddy, singer, translator, pec fan. With Mark and bonus David Deluise dicks

Mark Haynes has like 300 hot/hung pictures online, so I was going to do a hot/hung photo ollection, but the post is geting so few page views that I switched to a regular profile.

Mark grew up in York, Pennsylvania, and now lives in Burlington County, New Jersey, about 30 miles from Philadelphia.  He has tried a number of career paths, including hairdresser, bodybuilder bodyguard, model, translator, and personal trainer.

Left: modeling.

As Mark Intocable, he is also singer.  Spotify lists a lot of his singles, including "Take Me Back," "Drag Me Down," and "I am a Goth."  

"My Monster" is about a monster who pops up in the middle of the night when he's trying to sleep, or when he gets up to pee, "he's looking at me," saying "I control you, you do what I say."  Of course we all know what he's referring to.

He also films erotic wrestling videos under the stage name Mark Muscle.

But Mark's main interest is in stunt work, especially choreographing fights and action scenes.  He has doubled for Dave Bautista in several movies, as well as for Florian Munteanu, Travis Kelcem and Victor Drago

For stunting he prefers fight scenes, but for acting he prefers gay characters.

His gay roles include:

High Town (2020): Leather Daddy #3,  helped his fellow leather daddies beat up a drug dealer for making homophobic comments.

Bros (2022) was advertised as the first mainstream, non-niche movie by a major studio, "with an all-gay cast" and a plotline about a couple (Billy Eichner, Luke McFarlane) falling in love in spite of career problems.  It did not perform well, as heterosexuals were mostly afraid to see it, and LGBT people had already seen a hundred movies with the same plot.  Mark played a Rowdy Bear during a bar scene.

Intimacy Workshop (2022): A short featuring group of men gather for "a symposium on the art of human connection."

Turning Teddy (2023), a tv series about a straight guy (Jamal King) who falls in love with an action-adventure star, "even though he likes women." Um...no big mystery there.  It's called being bisexual. 

Mark's most recent "gay" role is in Stream (2024), with Tim Curry as a hotel manager who sends masked Players out to kill his guests.  He plays Player 4, with little character development except that he only targets men: the foreign tourist Louis (Andrew Rogers), retired cop Bernard (Tim Reid),  and family man Roy (Charles Edwin Powell)

You can get Player 4 cutouts and action figures at fan conventions.

More Mark after the break

"Jackson Kelly": A killer doll, a killer pumpkin, a paranormal trap, nude Hicks, and a year of dicks

Time to start profiling Righteous Gemstones Season 4 actors.  Only two have popped up to date, Charles Ambrose and Jackson Kelly, who plays Winston, probably in the Civil War sequence.  I can't imagine a modern teenager being named after a cigarette or the Prime Minister of Britain. 

Googling the name "Jackson Kelly" yields pages of guitars, so you have to say "Jackson Kelly" and "actor."  The guy has an Instagram, but with only nine photos.  

A search for Jackson Kelly on Facebook yields only this photo.  I don't think it's him.

But Jackson has been profiled in a number of local newspapers and podcasts, so we can get a nice bio:

 He grew up in Waco, Texas, the heart of the homophobic Bible Belt, and had trouble pursuing his dream: the nearest acting class was two hours away, and for auditions, his parents had to drive him six hours to Austin.  There are three theaters in Waco.

In April 2020, COVID hit, and the Vanguard College Preparatory School went online. They have a Latin Club, but no GSA, and no mention of LGBT non-discrimination.    So he packed his stuff and moved to L.A., with the full support of his parents.  If I liked to wear evening gowns, I'd be getting the heck out of Waco regardless. 

Jackson's first industry job was a production assistant for a company making commercials -- a lot of manual labor, moving stuff from here to there.  Then he began appearing in commercials and "zero-budget" independent films:

My Year of Dicks, 2022: he has one of the dicks that the girl tries to get.

Splinters, 2022: after the death of his father....f*k the Sadness

Witch Mountain, 2022: Two teens, male and female, develop psychic powers.  You see where this is heading.

Portrait of a Young Man, 2022: Jackson, the Young Man, is struggling with "his identity."  Sounds like a coming out story, but in the trailer he kisses a girl.

Hard Miles, 2023: Matthew Modine plays a social worker who organizes a 1,000 mile bicycle trip to the Grand Canyon for a group of teen convicts, including Smink, played by Jackson.

Left: Matthew Modine's butt.

The Western The Warrant: Breaker's Law, 2023, with Dermot Mulroney as the villain. Jackson plays someone named Brig Farkus.  At least he has some interesting character names.

Five episodes of Lucky Hank, 2023, a quickly-cancelled series about college English/creative writing professor Bob Odenkirk having a midlife crisis/meltdown. 

Jackson plays an aspiring novelist named Barstow Williams-Stevens. In the trailer, he throws shade at the prof during class: "You haven't said anything for an hour and a half. Would you please say something?  Your only novel isn't even available in your own campus bookstore."  The prof responds in kind, and gets in big trouble.

More after the break

"Scream Queens" Episode 2.2: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital. Also, there's a serial killer. And some butts.

 I was recommended Glen Powell's shower scene in Episode 2.2 of the horror-comedy Scream Queens.  I watched ten minutes of the first episode when it premiered in 2015, and turned it off, but for a shower-scnee, why not give it another chance?

The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.  

Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it. Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that the cop  is an idiot.

The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her."  Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke.   And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, John Stamos, left).

Scene 2: The Sleazoid Doctors and Chanels are interviewing Tyler, played by Colton Haynes, who is covered with large orange tumors. Actually not disgusting.  So the Chanels have graduated with nursing degrees, and all gone to work at the Institute, and the headmistress became their boss?  That's not at all unlikely.   

His  regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser.  Except they're are too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.

Scene 3: A non-Chanel nurse and Chamberlain, played by James Earl, wonder why, if Evil Dr. Munsch was upstairs during the murders, she didn't hear the screams and growling?  She must be in on it.

Last season, she was in charge of a college, and plotted some crazy stuff, but the Chanels foiled her plan.  Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster  to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications?  All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves.  He loves the idea!  

Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot!  She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser. 

More screaming after the break

"The Final Girls": Psycho-slasher parody with two queer characters and Adam Devine's bulge

In The Final Girls (2015), not to be confused with Final Girl (2015), actress Amanda and her daughter Max are driving home from an audition that she bombed.  She complains that she is typecast as a "scream queen" due to a role in the famous psycho-slasher movie, Camp Bloodbath, back in the 1980s.  She was the Final Girl, the one who didn't have sex, and therefore got to live.  

But not in real life: at that moment, they get into a car crash.  Mom dies!  

 Three years later, Max is in college, studying with her Love Interest Chris (Alexander Ludwig) and a couple of female friends, when horror fan Duncan (Thomas Middleditch, below) talks them into going to a midnight showing of the movie and its sequel.

Remember, Max is still mourning her mother.  Why go to a movie where a psycho-slasher is trying to kill a younger version of her?  But she goes.  Otherwise be lousy story.

Suddenly, zap!  They are trapped in the movie...and the psycho-slasher is stalking them, too!  They have to use their wits and knowledge of the genre to defeat him.

The first character they meet is Kurt (Adam Devine), an obnoxious jock with the inflated ego and braggadochio of Adam's usual characters, but much more mean-spirited.  He is also apparently bisexual -- he hits on boys and girls both, and thinks that gays "have a cool lifestyle."  Interestingly, instead of a homophobic slur, he tells Chris to "suck a turd." 

Like most psycho-slashers in the movies of the 1980s, Billy (Daniel Norris) targets teenagers having sex, so so when Kurt strips down to his bulge while his girlfriend waits in the next room, Chris the Love Interest rushes in to distract him.  Try showing him your dick -- oh, wait, the killer is attracted to gay sex, too.

The other queer character is Blake (Tory N. Thompson), who also black.  You know what happens to the black guy in psycho-slasher movies, right? Gulp! 

Next the visitors from our universe try warning the characters about the psycho-slasher.  Remember, Max is interacting with the movie version of her own mother, so she'd rather not see her skewered.

The plan backfires: everyone runs away screaming.  

Kurt and his girlfriend try to drive away, but they hit a totem pole and die (Kurt is pretzeled).   But in the original movie, they survived!  The intruders have tampered with the plot, and now all the rules are off.  No one will survive.

Well, some survive.  You'll have to watch the movie to find out who. 

Beefcake: Quite a lot of Adam.

Heterosexism: No one actually has sex, for obvious reasons. Some girl boobs.

Queer Characters: Kurt and Blake,  through queer codes instead of self-identification.  But this is supposed to be the 1980s, when you were lucky to get that much representation.  Writers M.A. Fortin and Joshua John Miller are a gay couple, and speaking to their own experiences as horror fans.  

My grade: A-