Keefe's Capacious Cock, Part 2: The Mushroom Head

 

Tony Cavalero asks: "Will you be wearing pants after dinner?"  Gee, Tony, why don't we wait, and see how the evening goes?

Ok, he's really referring to the belt-tightening of Thanksgiving Dinner.  

Maybe.

He got the photo from The Righteous Gemstones Season 1, when Keefe comes out of the house without pants, accidentally showing the siblings his junk. Apparently he forgot to put his pants back on after serving Kelvin "dessert."

In case you haven't seen a close-up before.  It's not really a mushroom head, just obscured at the base.  I can't tell if it's a prosthetic or not.

And his butt

See also: Keefe's Capacious Cock

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jockstrap, an isolation tank, a sausage god, and honeymoon with the hubbie

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 3: a rooster, a rodent, neopagan penises, Adam Devine, and Corey B's frontside

Workaholics Episode 5.5: Penis jokes and buddy-bonding at a Gay Pride party

 

Workaholics (2011-17), about a trio of clueless dudebros led by Adam Devine (left), has  gotten very, very bad press: gayness as an insult, weird, reprehensible; the possibility of bromantic partners being attracted to each other presented as "hilarious and absurd."  Devine responded that critics were heterosexual snowflakes looking for a fight; "The gays have a sense of humor.  They get us."

I'm not usually very forgiving about casual homophobia, but I'll check it out.  Episode 5.5, described variously as: "When they go to a gay pride party in the neighborhood, they make fools of themselves pretending to be gay."  or "a wild night at a neighbor's house leads the guys to question their relationship."  Sounds cringy from the get-go.

Note: Workaholics contains a lot of humiliation nudity, both rear and obscured-frontal. 

Scene 1: Telemarketing company boss (the always amazing Jerry O'Connell) is giving a speech about teamwork when the guys come in late; he calls them "young bucks," but they counter that they are "hung bucks....because our things are huge"  Well, whip them out. Tomorrow they have a team-building contest: he demonstrates by falling into the arms of an employee, who catches him.  The guys try falling backwards, but no one catches them, har har.

Scene 2: The office bullies brag that they have a "mature adult relationship":  they know each other's biggest regrets and deepest fears.  The guys try to prove that they know about feelings and stuff.  "Adam, what's Der's biggest fear?"  "That his dick is smaller than mine."  So, their schtick is a dick joke every five seconds.  I forgive Keefe for learning about "hard woods" at Woodpecker's Carpentry.

Left: Der (Anders Holm)

That night, while drinking beer on the roof of their house, they try and fail to connect on a deeper level, so they can win the contest.  Suddenly a guy approaches who is working valet for the Pride party down the street, wanting to park cars in their yard.  They think "pride" means MMA, and ask why they weren't invited. He doesn't answer, so they put on their martial arts t-shirts and crash the party.

Scene 3:  Still thinking that it is a MMA party, they are shocked to see that it's all guys, and there's a giant rainbow "Happy Pride" banner.   

"Ugh... rainbows!  Let's get out of here!"  But then the host points out the hors d'ouvres, and Anders lets out a shrill fruity "Helllooo!"  The reactions are only mildly homophobic: they are uncomfortable around gay men, but not so uncomfortable that they won't stick around for free food.

Left: Blake (Blake Anderson)

They discuss: "Dude, are you pretending to be gay?"  "Well, it's a pretty sweet party.  We don't want to be kicked out."   

The hosts are played by Michael Urie and Tim Bagley, both gay in real life.

The guys continue to pretend that they are gay: "Oh, we're very involved in the scene.  The having sex with guys scene. We're three-way gay with each other."  The hosts wonder why they're pretending: straight guys are welcome.

Scene 4: Getting drunk on free booze, the guys continue their attempt to connect on an emotional level. Meanwhile Adam drinks booze out of a dolphin's snout and exclaims: "If ejack tasted this good, I'd drink it by the gallon!"  Wait, does that mean you know what it tastes like?   They start chanting "We're here, we're queer, we want to drink beer!", to the embarrassment of the other guests.

The pride cake comes out, and of course the guys crash into it.  "What the fuck is wrong with you!" the host exclaims. 

More after the break

"Vacation": Skyler Gisondo as the victim in a cringy homophobic scene, with adult penises to make up for subjecting you to it

 

I didn't see the original National Lampoon's Vacation (1983), due to the vocal homophobia of star Chevy Chase.   I'm definitely not going to watch the sequel, Vacation (2015), in which  Rusty, the kid in the original (Ed Helms), tries to take his family on the same woebegotten journey.  Richard Roeper called it "a vile, odious disaster populated with unlikable, dopey characters bumbling through mean-spirited set pieces that rely heavily on slapstick fight scenes, scatological sight gags and serial vomiting."  Plus the plot synopsis looks horribly heterosexist, with eldest son James (Skyler Gisondo) in search of the Girl of His Dreams.  But I am going to check for beefcake, and then review a horribly homophobic scene that I found by accident on youtube

Beefcake: James shows his chest (top photo). Stone Crandall (Chris Hemsworth), married to Rusty's sister, walks around in his underwear, displaying a bulge.  Plus he "accidentally" displays his penis in a vacation photo.

On to the cringy homophobic scene: 

 The family is staying at a sleazy motel.  James plays his guitar at the sleazy hot tub.  A girl drops by to flirt with him.  

Medina: I have a penis.

James (shocked, transphobic): What?  Um...

Medina: It's written  on your guitar.  

He explains that his brother wrote it there as a prank, and goes on to make his move, Just then, Dad shows up (but Medina thinks that it's just a random perv)

Dad/Perv: I'm just a stranger passing through town, but I couldn't help noticing how incredibly handsome this young man is. You got a girlfriend?  Or boyfriend, heterosexist idiot  -- but then, Dad probably knows that his son is straight.

James: (Painfully embarrassed.) No.

Dad/Perv: No girlfriend?  Cute boy like that, somebody's gonna snatch you up.

Medina (to James): Do you want me to call the cops?  

James: No.  Dad/Perv hasn't done anything illegal yet.  But...why doesn't James tell the girl that it's his Dad, being embarrassing?

Dad/Perv: And he plays guitar. Dream boy!  Make a muscle!

Skyler: I'd rather not.

Dad/Perv: Take your shirt off, make a muscle.  Don't be shy -- show us what we're working with.  

As Dad/Perv approaches the hot tub, Medina asks James if he'll be ok, and scrams.  

Dad: Dang it!

James: Dad, why would you do that?

Dad: I saw you talking to her, and figured you could use a wing man. Oy!

In most U.S. states, it is a crime to propose sexual activity to someone under the age of consent or expose them to erotic material.  Commenting on their erotic desirability is technically legal, unless you are their parent, teacher, or in a position of authority.  Skyler Gisondo here is 18 or 19, but his character is 14.  Dad is pushing the boundaries of legality, and has gone far beyond what is appropriate. 

Left: 17-year old bodybuilder. Attractive, but not hot until next year.

 

This exchange keys into the myth that gay men are all hanging around schoolyards, trying to pick up teenagers (ephebophilia)  -- or 12 year olds (pedophilia)  

Another review says: "All homophobic, xenophobic, scatological grossout, with some rape and pedophilia “jokes” for flavor."  You mean it gets worse?

Grown-up penises after the break:

"Double Vision": Based on the Foreigner song, with nude pics of Gideon and Keefe

Gideon has had a crush on Keefe for two years.  During the Kelvin/Keefe breakup, he sees his chance to move out of the friend zone. He hopes.

Feelin' down and dirty

Feelin kinda mean

I've been from one to the other extreme

Fill my eyes with that double vision.

No disguise for that double vision.

When  it gets through to me, it's always new to me

My double vision gets the best of me

Today I had a good time,

But I ain't got time to wait

I want to stick around till I can't see straight

More after the break

Indiana University: My first visit to an adult bookstore

I "figured it out" during my senior year in high school, but my real "coming out" was at the beginning of my first year in grad school at Indiana University.

As an undergraduate at Augustana College, I had worked hard, very hard, to find gay people, and I found a few -- my ex boyfriend Fred; an Episcopal priest in Des Moines; Prfessor Burton, who held handcuff parties for campus hunks.  You had to go through word of mouth, through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Now I was at a vast university with 40,000 students, and as far as I could tell from conversations and signals and interests, every single one of them was heterosexual.

My friends, classmates, and coworkers all, without exception, maintained the "what girl do you like?" whine of my childhood.  I had to leave Playboy magazines in my room, and think of logical reasons why I didn't have a girl on my arm every second.

My classes were as empty of gay references as they had been at Augustana.  Every writer who had ever lived was heterosexual.  Every poem ever written was written from man to women.  The Eternal Feminine infused all our lives.

And, as far as I knew, this was the way life was everywhere and for everyone.  A vast emptiness, hiding, pretending, unyielding silence.

That Saturday night I had been watching Silver Spoons and Mama's Family in the 13th floor tv lounge of Eigenmann Hall.  At 9:00, my roommate Jon said "Let's go to the grad student mixer.  I'm hot to get laid tonight."

I had no interest in getting laid.  At least, not as Jon understood it.  But I walked with him across the vast, silent campus, past empty buildings, past towers of Indiana limestone erected by heterosexuals long ago, to the Memorial Union, where a party for heterosexual grad students was in session.

Then I said goodbye and went to the campus library.  There were uncountable millions of books in the vast stacks, rooms as long as a football field, but only two listed under "homosexuality" in the card catalog: the memoirs of Tennessee Williams, and Nothing Like the Sun, by Anthony Burgess, about Shakespeare's romance with the Dark Lady of the sonnets.

I walked alone down Kirkwood Avenue, past student bars and little Asian restaurants and hamburger stands.  Just before the Baskin Robbins closed at 10:00, I stopped in and bought an ice cream cone.  Two scoops, strawberry on the bottom and Rocky Road on the top.  30 years later, I still remember that ice cream cone.

There was a gay bar in Rock Island, a dark closet bar with a nondescript name and no windows, where you entered through the back so no one could see you.  But surely Bloomington was too small for such a place.

 I stopped into a weird eclectic bookstore called the White Rabbit. No gay books -- it was illegal to display them openly, as Fred told me when I found his secret bookshelf two years ago.  So I bought a novelization of the 1980 Popeye musical starring Robin Williams, set in the port town of Sweethaven:

Sweet Sweethaven!  God must love us.
Why else would He have stranded us here?

A church tower had a cross that lit up white at night, and I looked up it and prayed "Why did you strand me here?"

I wandered for a long time through quiet residential streets, houses where heterosexual husbands and wives were asleep, their children in the next room surrounded by "what girl do you like?" brainwashing toys and games.  I walked past a public park, but was afraid to go in.  After dark, monsters roamed through the dark swaying trees.

It occurred to me that I was one of the monsters.  After all, being gay was illegal in the United States.  I was a criminal.  (Actually, Indiana's sodomy law was repealed in 1976.)

Somehow I found myself at a small, nondescript building on College Avenue.  The sign on the marquee advertised "Adult Books."

They probably wouldn't stock any gay porn.  But it wouldn't hurt to check.  The most they could do is call me a "fag."

More after the break

Kyle Hawk,: gay or gay-ally wrestler and Las Vegas resident, with a nude Native American bonus

Kyle Hawk grew up in Carlsbad, New Mexico and studied at the Southwest Indian Polytechnic Institute, near Albuquerque.  After the army, he worked as a fitness instructor and freelance wrestler.  He  has appeared in wrestling movies, the Impact Xplosion wrestling tv series on Netflix, and The Righteous Gemstones:  In the opening sequence of Episode 2.1, a flashback to 1968 Memphis, John Big Cloud (Kyle Hawk) is wrestling the young Eli Gemstone (Jake Kelley). 

 

After winning the match, Eli hugs John, then throws him out of the ring, illustrating his persona as "The Maniac Kid." His Facebook page also mentions Barracuda: The Movie: "A Marine and a tech mogul embark on an road trip across legendary Route 66." Sounds like there are some gay subtexts.

Kyle's wrestling persona keys into Native American culture and stereotypes.  His entry on his merch page reads: 

 Representing the reservation, The Savage is amongst the few indigenous wrestlers. He’s on a warpath of destruction using his tomahawk chops, Scalper, and Dreamcatcher to punish anyone who stands in his way.

Kyle regularly tags himself at drag brunches, underwear parties, and other  events at the Phoenix, "the best gay bar in Las Vegas."  So I'm concluding gay or at least gay-allied. 

I couldn't find any nude photos of Kyle, so there are some random nude Native American photos after the break

Euphoria Episode 2.3: Two high school boys in love in the 1990s, followed by gay/bi affairs. penises, and Brock O'Hurn

 

I went in Euphoria Episode 2.3 cold, with no prior research.  All I knew was that Brock O'Hurn had a nude frontal (fully aroused, not a prosthetic).  And I had a vague impression that the show was about paranormal events in a quirky small town. 

Scene 1: A woman named Rue narrates.  "When Cal was a senior in high school...."  Holy cow, the screen fills with his butt as he puts on his underwear!   

Cal (Elias Kacavas) calls his friend Derek (Henry Eikenberry), insults him by implying that he's a woman ("put your bra and panties on"), and then drives over to pick him up.

Scene 2: Cut to wrestlng practice.  The coach insults them with a homophobic slur. They go into paroxyms of ecstasy over a hot girl in the bleachers, then hit the shower...holy cow, cock shots of both of them,then a close-up of Derek's butt and cock in the locker room!

Scene 3: They get a milkshake while Rue the Narrator explains how close they are.  While they are driving, Derek starts to masturbate through his jeans. Cal watches. 

Scene 4: Cal starts dating Marsha, who gives him a hand job with her foot, then a blow job.  He tells Derek, who congratulates him profusely, then gets a girl of his own.  They have a make-out and skinny-dipping party.  Holy cow -- more cock!

After graduation, they're going to separate colleges, so they have to part.  On their last night together, they go to a redneck honky-tonk gay bar, where they slow-dance and kiss a lot.  Then next morning, Cal gets a call from his girlfriend: she's pregnant! So the preacher in my old church was right: homa-sekshuls cause teen pregnancy.

Darn, yet another plotline about gayness as something for adolescents, to be abandoned for heterosexual destiny!  Well, at least we saw a lot of cocks, and Brock O'Hurn's aroused frontal is coming up.

More after the break

Workaholics Episode 1.10: Adam would suck a man's cock for $900. Does he take credit cards?

The opening sequence of Workaholics Episode 1.10 is widely condemned as homophobic, so let's take a look.

The setup: While driving to work, dudebros Adam (Adam Devine), Blake (Blake Andersoon), and Ders (Anders Holm) are having a random conversation.

Ders: "For $100,000, would you suck a man's penis?  That's a legitimate question.  A lot of hustlers (male prostitutes) are actually straight, but suck cocks as part of the job.  Their rates vary from $50 to $200. I'm not telling you how I know that.

Adam: A man's penis?  I don't know...  Why does he emphasize "man"?  Maybe he'd be fine with a trans woman who hadn't had bottom surgery? 

Blake: You get to pick the dude.

Adam: Final dick approval?   Choose any dick I want to?

Ders: Whoever's dick, except for me and Blake.  Darn, those would have been his first choice.  $100,000?

Adam: Ok then, yeah, totally.  

They talk him down from $100,000 to $50,000.  

For comparison, it would take way more than $100,000 for me to go down on a woman. Probably in the 2-3 million range.  If it involved secretions (I'm not clear on that), 10 million minimum.

Der: What about $5,000?

Adam: Yes!  I'd be thirty seconds away from getting a pretty sweet used motorcycle.  

Ders: It would take you way longer than that, Dude.

Adam: Are you kidding me?  Have you seen these lips?  Granted, you're one of the hottest guys on the planet, but I don't think your lips will get your man going.  You'll have to take off your clothes.  

He continues: Have you enjoyed the presence of me eating a kielbasa?  It's redonk!  Girls are like, "I'm impressed by that!"  So Adam fellates kielbasas?  I'd like to see that, too.

Blake: What is the absolute least amount of money you could get paid to blow a guy? 

Adam: We're talking if I'm honest with myself? I'd have to say $900. 

At that moment, they pull into the parking lot, and hit a man (who turns out to be their new boss).  They rush to see if he's ok, but continue the conversation:

Blake: Did you say $900?

Adam: No, I said $9,000.

Ders: I heard $900.

Adam: I said "thousand," Dude. I've got standards.  I'm not just blowing everybody. Grow up!  

Wait, what about having a dude go down on you, Adam?  How much money would you need?  No particular reason for asking.

In the office, the conversation changes: "How much to punch your mother in the face?"  

My analysis: How is this homophobic?  The guys are repulsed by the idea of giving a man a blow job themselves, but they never express any hatred, disgust, or even mild discomfort with men who enjoy doing it.  You don't have to like gay sex to be a gay ally. 

The Binge: Skyler Gisondo's chest, two queer codes, some random naked guys, and a lot of queerbaiting

A review of The Binge (2020) praised the "strong friendship" between the central pair. Strong friendship means gay subtext, right?

So I sat through 20 minutes of a bad 1980s teen nerd comedy until the heteronormativity became overwhelming, then fast-forwarded to places where guys interacted without half-naked girls around.  Strong friendship means gay subtext, right? 

Not so much. Two queer codes, two queerbait characters, and 3,041 exclamations of "girls are the meaning of life!"

The premise: a new Prohibition.  All alcohol and narcotics are banned in the U.S., except one day a year you can have all you want.  This is ridiculous: The logistics of producing and distributing all of that booze would be a nightmare, and narcotics -- usually understood as opiates and opioids -- are very dangerous.  Combine them with booze, and you will die.  And what about the use of opioids as painkillers?  Anyhow, most abused drugs are stimulants like cocaine or hallucinogens like Ecstasy, and have little addiction potential.

The guys: Griffin (Skyler Gisondo. top photo) and Hags (Dexter Darden, right. not what it looks like),  high school seniors, are eligible for their first Binge.  They want to go to a big binge party, because the Girls of Their Dreams will be there, and they can ask them to the prom and then to get married. (To stir things up, Griffin's girl happens to be the daughter of the over-protective Evil Principal).

Most of the movie involves their misadventures in attempting to get there.  Griffin gets his eyebrow shaved off.  They try to resurrect an injured cow, and get squirted with milk (presented as disgusting, although you pour it on your cereal every morning).  There's a ludicrously stupid song-and-dance number that goes on forever and ever.  

The queer codes: The Evil Principal (Vince Vaughn, left), explaining the horrible things that happen to teens who binge, discusses a girl who "found herself on a private plane with twelve Saudi princes, never to be seen again."  Griffin asks Hags if he wants to end up that way: "On a private plane?  Absolutely!", implying that he wouldn't mind being the sex companion for a group of Saudi princes.  But then they begin discussing the Girls of their Dreams.

Near the end of the movie, the guys have broken up.  In a climactic scene, they cross a crowded dance floor to embrace.  That's an "affirming our love" moment.  But then they ask their girls to the prom.

Queerbait #1: They catch a ride with Pompano Mike (Tony Cavalero), who is driving a busload of half-naked girls to the party, but doesn't express any heterosexual desire of his own.

Queerbait #2: Andrew (Eduardo Franco), who acts like a stoner even in the absence of marijuana, doesn't express any heterosexual interest; he tags along on the guys' quest just because he is an outcast at the high school, and wants friends.  Besides, another of Eduardo Franco's characters, Argyle, had a gay-subtext romance with Will Byers in Stranger Things

In a climactic scene, Andrew is arm wrestling with, I think Seb (Esteban Benito).  I was fast forwarding, so I don't know the back story.  He says "I love you!," and Seb responds "I love you. too."  Andrew is elated: "I've been waiting all my life for..."  Psych!  Seb was just trying to distract Andrew so he could win!  That sounds like a gay exchange.

Disillusionment and dicks after the break. Caution: arousal.

Jake Kelley's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Modeling, arm wrestling, and nekkid cowboys

 

Jake Kelley, who played Young Eli, the Maniac K*d, in the Season 2 premiere of The Righteous Gemstones, has several other acting roles listed on the IMDB, including Dogwood and the Secrets that Bind Us.  But he thinks of himself primarily as a model.   

When he was in Los Angeles to model for  UScape Apparel (collegiate sweaters, t-shirts, and such), he took time off for a vacation.

Playing volleyball in Hermosa Beach.

Riding horses in San Luis Obispo.

Nekkid cowboys after the break. Warning: explicit.

"This is the End": Celebrities are Left Behind, face cannibals, demons, gay sex, and Danny McBride

 I saw This is the End (2013) when it first appeared, and didn't really like it because (spoiler alert) it's about the Rapture.  When I was a kid, I was terrified of the Evangelical end-of-the-world event (not actually mentioned in the Bible) when everyone who is saved gets zapped up to heaven, and the unsaved are stuck on Earth. The preacher told horrifying stories of unsaved men waking up in the middle of the night to find their family gone, and gradually realizing that they are lost -- their sins can no longer be forgiven, so no matter how much they beg and cry, it's the Lake of Fire for all eternity.

But it stars some of my favorite actors, including two that I have a crush on, David Krumholtz (left) and Jay Baruchel (below), so I'll give it another shot.

Scene 1: LAX.  Seth Rogan picks up his buddy Jay Baruchel (bare butt, below), for the "best weekend ever" at his place, with his favorite things: Starburst, marijuana, and airheads. "I know you don't like LA, so I thought I'd lube it up a bit to ease the transition." "Much needed foreplay."  Discussing non-sexual things in sexual terms, har har.  Then: "I'm a well-known homosexual advocate."  I don't know what he means.  

Seth wants to go to James Franco's housewarming party, but Jay wants it to be just the two of them all weekend.  Awww... But they go.

Scene 2: At the house, Seth points out that Channing Tatum  lives nearby: "This is the sexiest street in America."  Jay chastises him for talking about Channing Tatum too much, but he counters: "I think he's attractive."  Ok, these guys are pretend-gay.

Franco: "This house is like a piece of me. You two stepped inside me." Seth: "You let us come inside you."  I'd better stop writing down all the gay-sex jokes, or I'll run out of space by Scene 3.

We meet various celebrities from the same general crew, having boring conversations. Jonah Hill appears to have an unrequited crush on Jay. Michael Cera (left) tries to kiss a guy. Later, Jay stumbles on him in the bathroom, getting blown and rimmed at the same time (by ladies). Craig sings for "all the ladies" to "take your panties off." 

Scene 3: Jay and Seth head to a convenience store for cigarettes.  Seth: "Is Michael Cera's butthole as cute as I pictured it?"  He's into guys' butts, har har.  Suddenly there's an explosion, and some of the customers rise through the ceiling in shafts of blue light!  

Outside, people are rising in shafts of blue light everywhere, driver-less cars are crashing, power lines are down...and back at Franco's house, everything is normal (only the good people went to heaven, so no celebrities, of course).  No one believes them.

Jonah says that Jay is "a sweetheart," implying that he's attracted to him, and everyone looks at him in disgust.  Wait -- you were all expressing homoerotic interest just a few seconds ago.

Scene 4: There's an earthquake, so everyone rushes outside -- and the whole city is in flames!   Then a giant sinkhole open, and almost everyone falls in.  Only Jay and Craig try to save their friends.  They survive, along with Franco, Jonah, and Seth. Before the tv dies, they get a few news reports -- martial law declared, Air Force One is down (The preacher told us that there had to be an unsaved pilot on every flight, in case of Rapture).

They start boarding up the house, inventorying supplies, and ineptly repairing the damage. Gay joke: Craig tries to move a giant ceramic dick: "That dick's coming now.  I got that big dick."

More after the break

Andrew Rannells and Adam Devine bromance? With bonus bulge, butt, and dick pics.

 

Looking for Adam Devine content, I came across a Reddit post stating that he and Andrew Rannells were bromantic partners.  Plus a 2015 interview in PopSuger proclaiming that they are "Your New Favorite Comedy Duo," 

First question: wasn't Adam already involved with Zac Efron?  How many men can a straight guy be in love with, and still identify as straight?

Second question: Andrew is gay, and has a boyfriend.  Can a straight guy and a gay guy have a bromance?  Regular platonic friendship, sure, but wouldn't an intense, passionate, physical relationship get weird?  Surely the "we might be having gay sex, har har" jokes would be ruined if one of the guys was really having gay sex. 

Third question: In what way were they a comedy duo?  The PopSugar interview was about them starring together in The Intern (2015), featuring Robert DeNiro as an oldster who becomes a "senior intern" at an online women's clothing company.  Andrew plays Cameron, the Vice President, who pitches the senior intern idea, and Adam plays Josh, an employee whom DeNiro helps with his (heterosexual) love life.  They don't interact.

They also appeared together in Why Him (2015), known as The Boyfriend in French.  Andrew plays Blaine Pederman, owner of an online greeting company (like greeting cards without the stamps), one of the guys hanging out with app billionaire and gay sex aficionado Tyson Modell (Adam); but they barely interact.  Tyson spends more time befriending Scotty Fleming, son of the focus character.

Extensive research has yielded no evidence that Adam and Andrew had an off-screen friendship.  I think it was just an advertising stunt that some Reddit-ers took seriously.

Oh, well, at least it gives me an excuse to post some nude pics of the guys. Adam first.  His penis is well-known.

And his butt.

Andrew after the break

I learn about gay sex in the church parking lot

 

When I was a kid, our Nazarene church had only one preacher, whose main job was screaming and banging the pulpit for an hour three times a week (researching and writing sermons is more time-consuming than you may think).  

But when I was in ninth grade, we got a Youth Minister, in charge of kid and teen activities like Junior Joys, Nazarene Young People's Society, the Afterglow (a party after the Sunday evening service), and Canvassing (going door to door to witness).

The Preacher might be elderly, but the Youth Minister had to be young, cool, and attractive enough to keep kids interested.  Ours was Brother Bob, fresh out of Olivet, in his early 20s, tall, with enormously broad shoulders, a barrel chest, and gigantic hands.

Unfortunately, I never saw him shirtless -- he always wore a suit and tie, the Nazarene equivalent of a clerical collar.  But when I went down to the altar to get saved or sanctified, he came down and wrapped his huge hard arm around me, and I could feel his hard barrel chest against my back.

You could hardly miss the gigantic Mortadella+ swinging around in his pants every time he moved. Particularly in NYPS, when we were kneeling to pray, and he walked from person to person to see if we needed help: his crotch was exactly at eye level.  And at least once, when he hugged me after altar call, I felt it press against me like a salami stuffed in his pants.

One Sunday night at the beginning of tenth grade, I walked out into the parking lot during altar call to escape from the frenetic shouting, and saw Terry and Dave, twelfth grade best buddies, talking in the shadowy area by the church bus.

Dave was a member of church royalty, with perfectly cut black hair, perfect teeth, and an athletic physique.  
Terry was slim, with dirty-blond hair almost too shaggy to meet Nazarene standards, an aspiring Gospel singer from an unsaved family.  He backslid every few weeks and had to go down to the altar again.

I didn't usually associate with twelfth graders -- the three year age gap seemed unbreachable.  But I had to say "hello," or they might think I was spying on them.

"Ten inches, easy!" Dave was saying.  "Brother Bob's is bigger than Brother Dino's by a long shot.  No way it's happening!"

"I'm telling you, she's got nothing to worry about," Terry countered.

They were discussing a man's dick!  "Have you guys really seen Brother Bob down there?" I asked.

"I have!" Dave said. "Just before NYPS tonight -- he was at the urinal next to me in the bathroom. Man, that guy's a giant!  Bigger than Brother Dino!  Sister Cindy could never take all that -- it would break her in half."

Like all preachers, Brother Bob was married -- to Sister Cindy, very short, slim,  petite. His hand could almost fit around her waist.  They were like Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

"Oh, and you think going down on it will work better?" Terry asked.  "The mouth is smaller than the [vagina], wise guy!"

Go down on it? 

"I'm hung like a horse," Dave said. "Girls are always saying 'oh, it's too big, it hurts'!  But they go down on it with no problem at all."

"Let's let the kid decide."  Terry turned to me and put his hand on my shoulder.  "Say you were a lady, and your guy had extra-extra-extra large equipment."

I imagined Brother Bob, naked, his muscles damp with sweat, his enormous uncut Mortadella aroused and waiting.

More after the break