I watched the first five seasons of Modern Family (2009-2014), but stopped when we moved to streaming services. Back then, I posted about rampant gay stereotyping and explicit homophobia, especially with Adam Devine (Andy the Nanny). I don't remember why, so to check, I reviewed Episode 5.17 (2014), the last before the two-part season finale.
Note: There are 12 members of the Modern Family, so pairs and trios split up for separate plots. Although they are scattered through the episodes, I will cover them separately.
Set-Up: Family dinner at Patriarch Jay's house. He suggests watching basketball next, adding with a sneer that his adult son Mitchell wouldn't be interested because he is gay. Mitchell counters: "Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch men in shorts." The possibility that men might find basketball players attractive ruins the game for Jay. Forget Andy -- Jay is the homophobic one!
The A Plot: Mitchel and Cam, the gay couple, and teenagers Manny and Alex (a girl). They are all going to an art museum to see a Kandinsky Exhibit. Jay finds it inconceivable that a straight boy would be interested in art.
On the way, they criticize the rest of the family's lack of refinement. Jay buys his books at the grocery store! The best way to get Claire to fall asleep is to show her a movie with subtitles!
Then they discover that the Kandinsky exhibit is closed! Problem: Cameron doesn't know anything about art, so he read up on Kandinsky so he wouldn't be embarrassed. But now they're discussing Matisse, and he 's lost. After making a fool of himself, he goes to wait in the car. Dude, art is for everybody. They have self-guided tours and texts to help you understand everything.
Next Mitchell reveals that he doesn't know anything about art either. He leaves in embarrassment. Two remain. But Manny doesn't know anything about art, either! Why did they want to go?
The B Plot: Claire, Gloria, and Lily. Cam and Mitchell explain that they're out buying a flower-girl dress for their daughter to wear at their wedding. Why both of them? So the dress isn't too mundane (Claire) or "cucaracha" (Gloria). I remember cringing at the constant stereotyping. Gloria is from Colombia, depicted as a horrible country where everyone lives in absurd poverty and gets shot all the time.
Gloria insists that Lily keep trying on dresses, because she only has sons and never gets to go dress shopping. Claire doesn't even like dresses; she didn't wear one at her own wedding. Gloria is shocked. "You must try one on! Then you can go back to your boy clothes." So Claire tries on some wedding dresses, and is transfixed by the wonderfulness of gender-normative behavior.
The C Plot: Jay, his teenage grandson Luke (left, recent photo). The boy mentions that he's planning to buy a pottery wheel for his ceramics class. Jay is upset, assuming that Luke is gay, but he explains that he is taking art to meet girls. Jay points out a problem with this plan: the girls in the class will think you're gay, and not want to have sex with you. He suggests learning woodworking instead. Wood shop was a required class for boys in my junior high. I mostly tried to avoid being noticed, and got a D-.
In the woodshop, apprised that a tool is a table vise, Luke begins singing "Edelweiss," and Jay lays down the law: "I've already been through this with Mitchell. This is what we're trying to prevent." Woodworking won't keep your grandson from being gay, Dude. But he already said that he likes girls.
Jay says that he wants to teach Luke all the things he need to know to be a man, because his son Mitchell and Gloria's son Manny were both fruity, and not interested. He demonstrates his machismo by benching 205 pounds! (wow, I can only do 180). Impressed, Luke says: "Tell me everything you know about women." This is super-problematic.
The D Plot: Claire's husband Phil, her daughter Haley, the nanny Andy. He is trying to think of a romantic anniversary gift for his girlfriend, who is deployed out in the Coast Guard. Maybe banana bread? Phil suggests making her a video instead, depicting all of the things he's willing to do for her.
First up: pretending to be swimming underwater with sharks (no beefcake). Whoops, Haley walks into the frame, ruining it! She suggests a visit instead, but the girlfriend is doesn't get shore leave very often.
Andy's face is shining, so Phil goes off to fetch some makeup. He is careful to specify that it's his WIFE's makeup, so Andy won't think that he's gay. What's with the homophobia?
Haley's date is late. Andy gets all conciliatory: "that's rude. A real man would be more considerate of the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful woman on the face of the Earth." You have a girlfriend, remember?
More after the break
Next segment: Andy skiing in the snow. Haley is not impressed.
Third segment: Andy with a rose, preparing to give a romantic speech, but he doesn't know where to look. Phil: "Just look deeply into my eyes, and sweep me off my feet." Running gag: Phil says innocent things that make it sound like he's gay. Viewers are supposed to chortle over it: how humiliating to have people think you're one of those...
Nope, Andy thinks it's too weird to pretend to be in love with a man. Maybe Haley could help out? And you know what happens next, right?
When the video is finished, Andy asks "How can I thank you?" Phil: "The next time you're with your girlfriend, think of me." See what I mean?
About the video: "I'm giving this to the mailman, who will give it to the Coast Guard, and by this time tomorrow, someone will be giving it to my girlfriend." Geez, this show is dirty. but at least that one isn't "accusing" Phil of being gay.
E Plot: Haley, her boyfriend (Adam Hagenbuch, left). He is six hours late for their date, and he just honks instead of coming to the door. After being treated like a queen all afternoon, Haley finds this offensive and dumps him.
Beefcake: None.
Gay Characters: Cam and Mitchell.
Characters implied to be gay as jokes: Phil, Luke, and Manny.
Homophobes: Jay. Maybe Andy: he has a problem looking at a man as if he's in love. It's called acting, dude. But Jay is much worse.
My Grade: Adam Devine and Nolan Gould? And Phil's gay jokes are funny. B+.
Bonus: Nude photos of Reid Ewig, who plays Haley's on-off boyfriend Dylan beginning in the first episode. Eventually after the Haley-Andy relationship arc, get married and have children. (The show did last for eleven years, after all.)
Reid's covered cock.
And butt with another cock covering.
That's a guy under him, during a "gay panic" scene in 10 Rules for Sleeping Around. Ironically, Reid has since come out as gay.
In the two-part Season Finale, Andy does not attend Cam and Mitchell's wedding. Haley invites him, but he doesn't go -- not even to be with the Girl of His Dreams. That doesn't sit well with me. Is he opposed to gay marriage? But Cam's Dad is so conservative that he disapproves of church services where they play guitars, and he's there.
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