Gemstones Episode 2.1: Junior likes dicks, Kelvin likes pecs, and f**k, yeah! We got both.

Previous: Gemstones Season 1 finale: Judy and Kelvin begin to heal, and Scotty joins the family

Season 2 of The Righteous Gemstones began over two years after the Season 1 finale, and the back stories, personalities, and even the genre has changed.  Remember, Danny McBride likes his seasons to be complete stories, with no or few call-backs, so new viewers easily understand what's going on.  In fact, it may be fun for us to start afresh, watch as if we have never seen or heard of these people before.  

Title: "I Speak in the Tongues of Men and Angels."  I Corinthians 13.1: "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal." Charity means "love," of course.  We'll see who is lacking.

Memphis Soul Stew: Memphis, 1968. Teenage Eli Gemstone, the Maniac K*d (Jake Kelley), is playing a heel, a pro wrestling villain: "from the wrong side of the tracks, a newcomer to the League, all muscle, all attitude."  He fights dirty, pretending to reconcile with opponent Kyle Hawk, then throwing him out of the ring.  

As he fights, his manager Glendon Marsh (Wayne Duvall) cheers. Glendon's teenage son Junior (Tommy Nelson) watches, sometimes happy but usually disturbed.  Is he jealous of the attention Eli is getting?  Is he a rebellious teenager during the era of the Generation Gap?.

Nice Cock:  In the locker room, Glendon offers Eli "some bonus pay on the South Side," while Junior looks on, smoking a cigarette, still either jealous or angry. As they leave, they pass a naked guy. "That's a nice cock, Ernie," Glendon says.  Junior is so busy looking that he trips, and then looks back again.  The teenager is definitely into cocks and butts.

The Loan Enforcer: Glendon is a loan shark as well as a wrestling manager: the job involves beating up a deadbeat.  Eli and Junior both go, squabbling over who's the boss.  

"Kill 'em!" we hear.  Psych!  It's the tv.  We meet a slovenly, drunken, foul-mouthed, abusive jackass of a husband.  While Junor subdues his wife and son, Eli punches him a few times and asks for the money, and when he doesn't have it, breaks his thumbs. Junior laughs "derangedly" (according to the subtitles).

Afterwards Glendon drops Eli off, hands him some money, and tells him, "Buy yourself something nice." This is a feminizing statement. 

As Eli drives off on his motorcycle, we hear Buck Owens' "Tall Dark Stranger":

 They say a tall dark stranger is a demon, and  that a devil rides closely by his side.

 So if Junior is the demon, Eli must be the devil riding beside him.  How long will they ride together?

Abusive Daddies all the way down:  Eli drives to the Gemstone residence (it's not a stage name, apparently), where his abusive dad chastises him for being late for dinner. So they're eating after Eli's wrestling match?  Like at 11 or 12 pm?   There's also a mousy, skittish mom and a little sister, May-May (important in Season 3). 

Ordered to say grace, Eli jokes: "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat," which makes May-May laugh.  Dad slaps him.  End of flashback.

We're fine with the faggots:  In 2022, elderly Eli Gemstone is a megachurch pastor and televangelist.  He and the satellite church ministers are discussing the case of Pastor Butterfield (Victor Williams), caught videotaping his wife and another woman having sex in a dance club restroom, while they were all high on Molly ("we thought they were Sweetarts").  The story made the front page of The New York Times, thanks to reporter Thaniel Block (Jason Schwartzman), who has made a career of publicizing ministerial sex scandals.  Eli wants to be lenient, but the others object.  (Left: random pecs)

A Spanish speaking pastor explains: "My church is ok with the maricones (roughly faggots), but we're not ready for swinging and tropus."     Pastor Diane translates: "His church is really cool with the gays and the queers, but not so much about the swingers and the thruples."  They fire Pastor Butterfield; he tries to commit suicide.

 Why did Pastor Diane translate maricones with two words, gays and queers?  Why queers, doubtless with the old pejorative meaning rather than the contemporary reclamation? I get the impression that the pastors are not really ok with maricones, so any gay ministers might want to stay in the closet, especially with the reporter snooping around.  Since this is the first scene in the present day, it is doubtless setting up one of the main conflicts of the season.  But who is the gay minister  Eli, Junior, or someone not yet introduced?  

Left: God Squad pecs

Tell the girls:  A young man rides a motorcycle to the Gemstone Compound, doing crazy stunts (this will be important later), while the background song advises:

Tell the girls that I am back in town.  They'd better beware

They may run, and they may hide.

I'll follow, and I'll be there.

A stalker?  At least we know that he's not the closeted gay minister.  He turns out to be Eli's grandson Gideon, back from a job as a stuntman to assist with the Gemstone ministry.  He's going to move into the house that Eli built for his abusive dad.

In other news, Gideon's younger brother Abraham has been masturbating, and leaving "semen loads" all over the house, like in the freezer next to the Dreamsicles.  

Left: Selfie. Not Gideon or Abraham

We cut to a church service with Eli Gemstone, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, announcing the start of their streaming service, GODD.  We see Jesse's wife Amber, their sons, and Judy's husband BJ in the audience.  No partner for Kelvin. He must be single

F*k, yeah!  More pecs and dicks after the break

Kelton's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Chanting, wrestling, growing a beard, going blond. With some grown-up dicks

This is a collection of cute/cool and hot/humorous photos of actor Kelton Dumont, best known as Pontius in The Righteous Gemstones.  As far as I know, he's over 18 in all but #2.  There are also some photos of his dad and a few friends.  

1. "When I go blond, I go all the way"

2, Kelton and his dad James practice Sokka Gakkai Buddhism, where you chant "Nam myoho renge kyo" and learn compassion, truth, and optimism: "We need to be able to continually direct our minds in a bright, positive, and beneficial direction and help those around us to do so, too."

3. Kelton and James at the WBC Main Event in New Orleans.  A blond Buddhist boxing fan.

4. Fam graduation.  Paul is now studying architecture at the Savannah School of Art and Design.

5. Random photo that has absolutely nothing to do with Kelton, James, or Paul.

6. Growing a beard

More after the break

Jake Kelley's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: The Maniac K*d and his buff buds and hung homies

 

In Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.1, we flash back to 1968, when the young Eli Gemstone (Jake Kelley) is working as a professional wrestler named the Maniac K*d, and, later, a hired goon for promoter Glendon Marsh.  

The Maniac K*d's backside

He is best friends with Glendon's son, Junior (Tommy Nelson), who will reappear in 2022 his life as a long-lost friend, potential enemy, and possible ex-lover.  Pictured: Ross Lynch.

Jake Kelley had his tv debut as the young Eli, but he and two friends, Mavro Diamante and Harrison Chandler (below), were co-presidents of Steal the Sun Productions, producing "web-series, documentaries, and award-nominated short films." 

In 2023, Jake wrote, produced, and starred in Dogwood, a miniseries about a screenwriter -- Mavro; a director -- Harrison; and an actor -- guess who?  

They form an "unwaivering alliance."  I wonder if any of them are gay.

Jake has also worked in theater and modeling.

More Jake after the break.  Caution: nudity.

Ryan Pinkston: Hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, martial artist, gigolo, gay cop. With some costar dicks

 

I've never been interested in tall guys; I like them short, the shorter the better, and in the 2000s, the 5'4" Ryan Pinkston was one of the hottest of the Short Guy Brigade

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, a suburb of Washington DC, Ryan got his start in martial arts: he received his black belt in Wushu Kung Fu at age nine and went on to championships in karate, kung fu, and tae kwan do.

An interview on the Jenny Jones talk show landed him an agent, and within a month he had roles in Spy Kids: 3D (2003) and Bad Santa (2003), and he was helping Austin Kutcher play celebrity pranks on Punked.

But there was a problem.  Although handsome, muscular -- and short -- Ryan was typecast as an aggressive wise guy, basically a jerk. So that's the sort of role he received

In 2004, the 16-year old got his own tv series, Quintuplets, about teenage quintuplets with conflicting personalities.  His Patton was pushy and aggressive; brother Parker (Jake McDorman, left) was the athlete, and Pearce (Johnny K. Lewis, below) was the nerd, who actually danced with another boy in a "prom" episode.

Left: Johnny K. Lewis today

Next came the boorish Felch in Revenge of the Nerds (2006), chronic liar Sam Leonard in Full of It (2007), and Fletcher in the homophobic College (2008), which paradoxically offered an extensive homoerotic subtext.

Ryan's guest spots on the teencoms Out of Jimmy's Head and Hannah Montana were a little better, jerks with a soft, sensitive side.

But then he hit the bottom of the barrel: teen sex comedies. Foreign Exchange (2008), Extreme Movie (2008) with Frankie Muniz, Adventures in Online Dating (2009).

At least he had no problem with shirtless, shower, and swimsuit shots, though he drew the line at nudity.  And he was ok with rolling around with other guys naked.  Teens could sigh over the homoerotic subtexts even if they didn't like his characters.
 
But then, in 2010, something remarkable happened: a complete turnaround.  Ryan's characters changed from jerks to nice guys, and coincidentally some buddy-bonding was added to the girl-crazy schtick.

Boy Band (2010): in 1982, his Greg buddy-bonds with Brad (Michael Copon) to form the first boy band in history.

Tower Prep (2010), about a school for kids with paranormal powers: his Gabe has a crush on Ian Archer (Drew Van Acker).

Cougars, Inc. (2011): his Jimmy and best friend Sam (Kyle Gallner) can't afford college tuition, so start an escort service pairing older women with teenage boys.  Hey, is that legal? Of course, they get in on the action, too.  We get a nice shot of Ryan's butt as the camera lingers on his supine body, but this only nudity in any movie.

Frontal nudity after the break

Young Rock Episode 2.12: Dwayne calls out a bully, works on his bluster, and offends his boyfr...I mean buddy. With bonus Crane cock

 Young Rock (2021-23), about the early years of "The Rock," Dwayne Johnson,is one of my favorite comedies: an insider view of the 1990s pro wrestling subculture, a deliberate gay subtext between the modern-day Rock and his boyfr...best friend Randall Park, a near-absence of heterosexual romance, and endless vistas of locker room beefcake.  I reviewed "You Gotta Get Down to Get Up," Episode 2.12 of Young Rock, because it stars two of my favorite actors from the old days, Sean Astin and Ryan Pinkston.

Scene 1: Randall is upset because Dwayne didn't invite him to lunch with his best friend Forest Whitaker. They're boyfr....buddies.  Shouldn't he be invited by default?  Besides, it's only 24 hours until the presidential election; shouldn't Dwayne be out there, campaigning in battleground states?  

No, Dwayne says, he always goes his own way.  A story to illustrate:

Scene 2: In 1996, Dwayne is getting some wrestling experience in Memphis, living with his buddy Downtown Bruno, Ryan Pinkston, in a decrepit trailer with no ceiling.

Bruno is down on his luck.  He moved from playing a heel, Dr. Harvey Winkelman, to managing heels, but now he is just a referee for Jerry "The King" Lawler, Michael Strassner.

They discuss Dwayne's ring name.  Since his dad was Rocky, maybe Rocky Junior?  His family suggests Little Chief, his friends the Wild Half-Samoan.

Scene 3: In the locker room, Dwayne has been booked on a tag team, but they still need his name. He says "Flex Kavana."  

Back in 2034, Randall is surprised that it wasn't the Rock right away. No, Flex, because he's muscular, and Kavana, because it sounds Polynesian.

His tag team partner, Brian Lawler, played by Marcus Molyneaux, approaches. They knew each other as kids: Brian used to set up rings for Dwayne's Dad.  He's hot now,  so his ring name is Too Sexy Brian.    

They film one of those bragging promos, but Dwayne flubs it by saying "We're naughty by nature but violent by decision."

More after the break. Caution: explicit

Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach Day, Dick Day, wrestling, modeling, and a tour of the campus

 

Jak Kristowski is a South Carolina-based media influencer, actor, producer, model, Disney fan, Baptist, missionary, and surfer.  His stage credits include  Aladdin: the Musical, David vs. Goliath, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jr., and Anastasia, and he is the executive producer of the fan-based movie Spider-Man: The Dark Age.

In Episode 3.9 of The Righteous Gemstones, Jesse sends his wayward son Pontius to The Citadel, the South Carolina military college.  Jak was cast as one of Pontius's classmates. 

His scene was cut. but he got to meet Jody Hill, Danny McBride, and Kelton Dumont, he got a free lunch and a campus tour, and of course he still was paid.  He posted some pics of his experience on his instagram, and I added some of my own.

The Citadel enrolls  2,300 cadets who want the military-style education they might receive at West Point or Annapolis, but without the obligation of entering the military after graduating.  No Battle Logistics: you major in one of the standard academic subjects, like English or history.

The library and student union don't look much different from those of other colleges, except for the uniforms

The naked guys are about the same, except for the dog tags. (Not Jak or Kelton)

More cadets after the break. Warning: it gets explicit.

"Muscle & Fitness": Searching for the Kelvin cover, with Weatherford butt and Lesnar dick

 

In Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.5, the flashback to 1993, four-year old Kelvin has a cover of Muscle & Fitness on the wall of his room. 

 

Not featuring Dick Stark, top photo, or Steve Weatherford, left. 

I've never heard of either, but apparently they were famous enough to rate covers and nude photos.

You can only see Kelvin's cover for a second before Judy turns off the light. Notice that it's positioned very low, at Kelvin's height.  

Being a research fan, I looked through the entire Muscle & Fitness cover gallery to find the issue chosen by the set dresser.  Notice that it shows a man with very short hair, arms akimbo.

I worked at Muscle & Fitness in the 1990s.  Joe Weider was extremely homophobic, worried about gay men reading our magazine, so almost every cover featured a man and a woman together.  A number featured just women.  The only male-only covers during my four years at Muscle and Fitness featured a celebrity, usually Arnold Schwarzenegger, but sometimes Lou Ferrigno or a sports figure.

More after the break

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jockstrap, an isolation tank, the sausage god, and honeymoon with the hubby

 

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Tony Cavalero, best known as Dewey on The School of Rock,  Ozzie Ozbourne in Dirt, and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, with a few of his friends.

1. "Wait -- if I'm supposed to be advertising this ball pouch why do you want me to take it off?"

2. When Tony dates other guys, they ski down blue-diamond mountains, ride bikes around the Hollywood Sign, and hang-glide off cliffs.  When he dates Skyler, they go shopping. 

I used this in the Skyler Gisondo photo collection, too.   It fits in with both, right?

3. Dude, they used that isolation tank for one scene.  You don't need to continue using it, unless you have a mummification kink.

4. Ok then, carry on.

5. How did you get that portable sauna zipped up?

6. When you can't take a cold plunge after your sauna, roll around in the snow instead.

More Tony after the break

Skyler's Hot/Hung, Photos, Part 3: Basketball, beach boys, wrestling, giving a guy his leg

This is a collection of cute/cool or hot/humorous photos of  Skyler Gisondo, star of The Santa Clarita Diet and The Righteous Gemstones, and Jimmy Olson in the upcoming Superman: Legacy. As far as I know, he's over 18 in all of them.  He doesn't have any verifiable nude photos online, but some of his friends do, and there are some interesting chatroom and hookup app possibilities.

1. Why is Skyler the only one with his shirt off?

2. "Homie wouldn't help you put sunscreen on my back."  

3. Why not?  Is the dude homophobic, or does he want you to lie on your back so he can see your abs?

4. Obviously they've been wrestling.  I have absolutely no idea what else they could be doing that leaves them on the floor, out of breath.

5. But we're not playing shirts vs. skins, buddy.

6. I dig the lesbian haircut, Sky Baby, but your sweater shrank in the wash.

More ginormous Gisondo after the break.  Warning: Explicit

"Young Rock," Episode 2.8: The Rock hits the big time, with lots of locker room beefcake and bulges

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