One of the iconic movies of my childhood (seen on tv, of course) was If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium, about the adventures of a group of wacky American tourists abroad. The Spanish tv series If it's Tuesday, it's Murder (Si es Martes, es Asesinato) is probably not a homage, but I'm watching it anyway.
Scene 1: Monday: In a tiny restroom, a hunky guy (Alejandro Garcia, left) changes out of his bloodstained clothes (nice bulge) and into a suit. He tells us "This isn't what it looks like -- or maybe it is."
A group of mismatched Spanish tourists are boarding the bus for a trip to Lisbon (seven hours from Madrid):
1.-3. Fabio from the restroom. A teenage girl and her drag queen buddy swoon over him.
4-7.. An elderly Miss Marple in a wheelchair, traveling with her hunky son, her daughter, and her young adult grandson (Alvero de Juana, left). They all dislike her.
8.. A young woman wearing headphones seems suspicious of everyone.
9.-11. Neurodivergent Daniel (Biel Montoro, left), who is arguing with the bus driver about the proper route. A woman calls him "sweetheart" and "my love," which in the U.S. would mean a romantic partner, but she looks old enough to be his mother.
12, Cristina, the tour guide, who divulges too much about discovering her husband's affair and 25-year old daughter by the other woman. Hopefully this will become important later.
And several others.
13. Four hours later, they reach Badajoz, near the Portuguese border. They stop to pick up another tourist (Pedro Casablanc, left), an elderly guy in a 1940s bow tie and fedora.
Scene 2: Two hours later, they arrive in Lisbon, and stop at Praça do Comércio, Commerce Plaza, on the Tagus River. A lady asks Suspicious Girl to take her photo, but Dreamy Fabio is in the background. He rushes off so he won't be in the picture. Later she is almost hit by a car while crossing the street, but Fedora Guy pulls her out of the way.
Daniel refuses to get off the bus because this stop is not on the itinerary: "Something's not right."
His hunch is correct: The hotel lost Tour Guide Cristina's reservations, so she's scrounging for something at the last minute.
All the agent has: The Marquez, a horrible pink block under the train tracks.
The Manager (Paulo Pires, butt and back cock left) gives them the tour: "It's been a hospital, a convent, a prison, an opium den, even a brothel . It survived the 1755 earthquake and tsunami, when every other building in Lisbon was destroyed."
Scene 3: They retreat to their rooms.
Photo-taking lady gets mysterious messages from someone planning to meet her in Lisbon.
Daniel arranges his desk properly, while his parents put up the paintings he needs. He's definitely queer coded.
The staff brought Fabio's suitcase into Suspicious Girl's room by mistake. She opens it: clothes, ring, watch, a lot of cash, and a check. Before she can investigate further, he knocks to retrieve it.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Scene 4: The Castelo de São Jorge, built in the 15th century by the Moors, although the tour guide says the 5th century Visigoths.
Fedora Guy has a chat with the Picture-Taking Lady: "This is a sad city. The light is deceiving: there is only darkness. No one is ever completely happy in Lisbon."
Daniel tells his parents to tour the castle by themselves so he can "go for a walk." Actually he bought a ticket to the Museo do Crime (not a real museum). As he takes notes on the exhibits, he notices the Fedora guy on a floor above him, walking through a red-draped hallway. He follows.
Scene 5: Psych! It's nothing sinister, just a film. Suspicious Girl, Photo Lady, and Dreamy Fabio are there, too. Daniel is still suspicious.
Suddenly Photo Lady notices the head of Diogo Alves (1810-1841), a serial killer with 20 victims (it is really on display at University of Lisbon Faculty of Medicine). He was Galician. "So the worst serial killer in Portuguese history was Spanish, har har." Hopefully this will be important later.
Photo Lady jokes that, with their shared interest in crime, they could form a mystery club, like the Famous Five (British child detectives). She addresses the camera: "I think it's a sign."
They all head back to the tour, except Fedora Guy says that he has to use the restroom.
"But he's headed in the opposite direction!" Daniel exclaims. Dreamy Fabio touches his shoulder to guide him away. A buddy-bonding moment? Tell me more.
Scene 6: Back in his hotel room, Fedora Guy examines a small, ornate music box. Did he steal it from the museum? Suspicious Girl hears the music, and is suspicious, naturally.
At dinner: Dreamy Fabio is in trouble with the Tour Guide for going off by himself. "This is a group tour, and I have planned all of the activities."
Fedora Guy tells him "It's going well.". Are they in cahoots?
Daniel leaves his parents to talk to Dreamy Fabio. Looks like you have a crush on the Dreamy Dude.
The girl and her drag queen buddy come down to the buffet, dislike the options, and leave. Back story: this is the girl's last week as a single lady, so her buddy is going to make sure that she gets wasted at "the best club in Lisbon."
Scene 7: Everyone else goes to their rooms.
A girl who hasn't done anything yet opens her door, and is surprised.
A note is shoved under Dreamy Fabio's door.
Daniel's parents go to sleep, but he stays awake, staring.
Fedora guy carefully hides the music box.
Thud -- fall. Psych! It's the Future Bride, drop-dead drunk. Her Buddy starts laughing. I checked: the Buddy is played by Mia Zafra, apparently cisgender female. So the masculine features and boy's tank top were just a misdirection?
Scene 8: Tuesday. In the morning, they're ready to leave for the tour, but Fedora Guy isn't up yet. Dreamy Fabio and Suspicious Girl offer to go wake him up.
Fabio concludes that he went out partying last night, and slept somewhere else, or he's dead in the bathtub.
He's dead in the bathtub!
Scene 9: Crime Scene Investigation. Police Inspector Oliveiro (Tiago Sarmento, left) concludes that he had a heart attack. Daniel disagrees: "Check his tongue, to see if he's been strangled!"
They call the tour company director, who decides that the tour will continue anyway.
As they walk past the Haal Cafe, Daniel notes that Fedora Guy's suitcase is too small for several days in Lisbon. He wasn't planning to stay.
Fabio: "He didn't die of a heart attack. He had the Mark of Jellinek." (A lesion at the entry site of an electrical current, signifying electrocution.)
Scene 10: The Famous Four gather in Fedora Guy's hotel room. If he was electrocuted, it would most likely be with a hair dryer, but there is none in the bathroom.
They see a homeless guy collecting junk, and rush out to ask if he found it -- maybe the murderer chucked it out the window.
But hhe homeless guy grabs Daniel and holds a kmife to his neck, worried that they plan to rob him. He releases the kid for 5 euros. Dang, he runs to hug Suspicious Girl, not Fabio.
He gives them the hair dryer for 50 euros, and offers another clue: a one-armed man was watching the hotel last night.
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Scene 12: Fabio sums up: "Fedora Guy was killed for something he did, or something he knew, or something he had" over a montage of clues:
Suspicious Girl opens a package of newspaper clippings: "Missing Girl! Ana Sotelo Navarro, around age five." So are you the missing girl, or her mother?
The girl who was surprised by her visitor last night lies on her bed, crying.
Inspector Oliviera opens a fold-out bed.
Fabio burns the note that was slid under his door: "At 1:00 am in Room 19 -- Fernando (Fedora Guy)."
Someone sneaks into into Fedora Guy's room and steals the music box. The end.
Beefcake: Fabio shirtless.
Left: Gorka Laseosa, who plays the son of wheelchair-using Miss Marple.
Other Sights: Some interesting Lisbon exteriors.
LGBTQ characters: Fabio and Daniel had a few buddy-bonding moments, but each expresses heterosexual interest in Episode 2. The drag queen turned out to be a tease. Maybe Fedora Guy? Or Cote, the son of Wheelchair-using Miss Marple: he's middle aged, with no wife.
Heterosexism: Not much in this episode.
My Grade: I liked the scenery, and neurodivergent Daniel makes an interesting sleuth, but I was disappointed to find him buddying up with Suspicious Girl, not Fabio. And "everybody has a dark secret that is not relevant to the central mystery" got old fast. C+
See also: Portugal: Braga beefcake, Porto penises, a gay couple, and a duke
Showering with Portuguese boys at a church conference in Switzerland
If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium
The Famous Five Have Plenty of Fun
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