"The Fosters": Twelve hunks and hunkoids, all grown up. With a few grown-up dicks

The Fosters (2013-2018) was a groundbreaking drama on ABC Family, now on Netflix, about a lesbian couple (Stef and Lena) with five children, biological, adopted, and foster (Brandon, Jesus, Jude, Callie, Mariana). The Fosters have foster children, har har 

But it wasn't all sunlight and diversity. Actually, it wasn't sunlight at all. I never watched -- I don't do tragedy -- but the episode synopses sound grim. There were drinking problems, psychological problems, incurable diseases, deaths, homophobic hate crimes, custody battles...like a live-action Howard Cruse comic.   But for many viewers, the remarkably open gay content was worth being depressed.

Besides, there are endless teenage boys with their shirts off to draw in the gay boys and straight girls. I'm checking to see if there were any adult hunks in the crowd, or if any of Fosters Fave Raves have grown up.

1. David Lambert:  Brandon, the oldest son in the family. an aspiring pianist whose dreams are dashed when an injury paralyzes his hand.  He also becomes the victim of statutory rape by hooking up with his father's girlfriend.

The adult Lambert shows his butt while sexing a girl in The Lifeguard.

2. Danny Nucci: Mike, Brandon's biological father, a cop who has a drinking problem, shot an unarmed suspect, and has a girlfriend who hooks up with Brandon.

Nucci butt

3. Tom Williamson: AJ, Mike's foster son.  When does Mike find the time to be a foster parent?

4. Jake T. Austin: Jesus, the second son, who has Attention-Deficit Disorder.

5. Brandon Quinn: Gabe, Jesus' biological father, who didn't tell Jesus because he didn't want the boy to know he's a registered sex offender.

6. Hadyn Byerly: Jude, the youngest son, who becomes mute in angst over coming out as gay (with lesbian parents?), but eventually learns to accept himself and starts dating, with probably the youngest same-sex kiss on television.







More bulges and bods after the break.  Warning: explicit.

Vice Principals, Episode 3.5: Gamby dates a high school boy, and gay rumors destroy your life

 I'm reviewing Vice Principals Episode 3.5 because a casual viewing revealed a strong, if rather discomforting, gay subtext and a lot of homophobia.

Scene 1: Lee (Walton Goggins), scheming principal of North Jackson High, and his wife Christine are having dinner in a restaurant. He is being dismissive and controlling.  Suddenly Kevin Yoon (Keong Sim, below) appears -- they haven't seen him since college!  He barely acknowledges Lee while gazing with absurdly overacted "girl of my dreams" longing at Christine.  He explains: "I had a bit of a rough time in college, with the rumors, but after counseling I got my life together.  I have a wife and kids."  What rumors destroy your life and require counseling? Sexual assault of a minor?

Christine promises to "friend" him on Facebook and keep in touch, which makes Lee roil with jealousy.

Scene 2: On the way home in the car, we learn that Christine was dating Kevin Yoon, so Lee told her that he was gay, and she dumped him. Why didn't she ask Kevin about it? Maybe Lee was lying, or maybe Kevin was bi and still interested in her.  

The rumor spread around and destroyed his life. Christine is upset because "wife and kids" -- he's straight! Or bi, girlfriend.   She could have married him and had a happy life, instead of being stuck with a man she hates. This is utterly ridiculous.  Did they go to college in 1958?  Was it Hate-Gays University?  How homophobic does McBride think that American society is?

Scene 3:  Vice Principal Gamby (Danny McBride) in the high school parking lot, trying to figure out who shot him in the Season 1 finale.  Jen (Edi Patterson), a teacher with an absurdly unstable crush on him, asks him to be her date at Lee's big birthday party.  He refuses. The lesbian security guard comments that she has a nice body: "I'd fuck her."

Scene 4: The guys on exercise bikes.  Lee suggests that Gamby bring "a hot-ass woman" to his big birthday party, to make his crush jealous and get her to fall in love with him. That strategy usually works in junior high.   But Gamby has another strategy: he's going to prove that he's "a charitable man."

Scene 5: Gamby marches into the restroom, where the delinquent Robin is smoking with his buds.  Earlier he was expelled for having drugs in his locker (which Gamby planted), but now he's back, and Gamby wants to redeem him (for his own selfish ends).  He orders Robin to come to the party as his date: "you're going to show everyone there that I made a positive impact on your life and made you a better human being." 

"But I don't want to go to your stupid pedo party!"  Well, technically it's ephebophile, adult erotic interest in adolescents.

Gamby calls him a "whore," and offers to pay him. Adolescent male prostitution.  This gets worse and worse. "You will be polite, you will be cordial, and you will wear this nice outfit I bought you."

Scene 6: Before the party, Lee is ordering around the caterers and being a jackass to Christine, while she forlornly scrolls through Kevin Yoon's social media, thinking of the life she could have had if only she hadn't dumped him the moment Lee said the g-word.  Imagine that conversation: "Your boyfriend is gay." "WHAT? I'm so disgusted, I never want to see him again! Are you free tomorrow night?"

Lee catches her scrolling and shoves a pill in her mouth without her consent.  

Scene 7: Gamby arrives at Robin's slovenly hovel to pick him up for their date.  His mother is nonchalant about it. Apparently adult men often drop by the house to take Robin out on dates.  Robin isn't wearing the outfit Gamby bought him.  He lays down the law:   "If you embarrass me tonight, I will snap your fucking neck.  Now let's go have fun at this party."  Aww, they're already acting like a couple.

Scene 8:  The party.  Extremely heteronormative: the lesbian security guard is dancing with a man, and the gay-vague drama teacher is dancing with a woman. No same-sex couples, except of course Gamby and Robin:  Arm-on-back affection and calling Robin "handsome" as Gamby introduces him around.  They're really making this look like a real date. 

Robin, who appears in seven episodes, is played by Alexandra McVicker.  She transitioned after Vice Principals, so some of her other work and the VP fan wiki still list her as "Conner."  A trans woman playing a possibly-gay high school boy?  Interesting dynamic. 

Scene 9:  Lee orders Christine around; she passively-aggressively ignores him and gets drunk  Wait -- he drugged you.  If it was an opiate, you could die.   He wants to know why she is acting so weird.  Then Kevin Yoon shows up.  Lee has a fit, but Christine invited him, so he's not leaving.  Lee asks the lesbian security guard to kick him out (sorry, her name is never given, and she is not listed on the wikipedia cast list).  

So she accosts him in the bathroom and threatens to rough him up unless he leaves.

Scene 10:  Looking for a secluded spot to smoke marijuana, Robin finds the master bedroom.  Christine is there, sitting on the floor, drunk and miserable because she's married to Lee instead of Kevin Yoon.  They share a joint.  Are they going to make out to demonstrate that Robin is actually straight?

More after the break

Euphoria Episode 2.3: Two high school boys in love in the 1990s, followed by gay/bi affairs. penises, and Brock O'Hurn

 

I went in Euphoria Episode 2.3 cold, with no prior research.  All I knew was that Brock O'Hurn had a nude frontal (fully aroused, not a prosthetic).  And I had a vague impression that the show was about paranormal events in a quirky small town. 

Scene 1: A woman named Rue narrates.  "When Cal was a senior in high school...."  Holy cow, the screen fills with his butt as he puts on his underwear!   

Cal (Elias Kacavas) calls his friend Derek (Henry Eikenberry), insults him by implying that he's a woman ("put your bra and panties on"), and then drives over to pick him up.

Scene 2: Cut to wrestlng practice.  The coach insults them with a homophobic slur. They go into paroxyms of ecstasy over a hot girl in the bleachers, then hit the shower...holy cow, cock shots of both of them,then a close-up of Derek's butt and cock in the locker room!

Scene 3: They get a milkshake while Rue the Narrator explains how close they are.  While they are driving, Derek starts to masturbate through his jeans. Cal watches. 

Scene 4: Cal starts dating Marsha, who gives him a hand job with her foot, then a blow job.  He tells Derek, who congratulates him profusely, then gets a girl of his own.  They have a make-out and skinny-dipping party.  Holy cow -- more cock!

After graduation, they're going to separate colleges, so they have to part.  On their last night together, they go to a redneck honky-tonk gay bar, where they slow-dance and kiss a lot.  Then next morning, Cal gets a call from his girlfriend: she's pregnant! So the preacher in my old church was right: homa-sekshuls cause teen pregnancy.

Darn, yet another plotline about gayness as something for adolescents, to be abandoned for heterosexual destiny!  Well, at least we saw a lot of cocks, and Brock O'Hurn's aroused frontal is coming up.

More after the break

Sons of Anarchy Episode 5.5: Trans Walton Goggins, a motorcycle club, BDSM, and three nude men

I've been checking out tv series featuring Gemstone alums for homophobic bias, and Walton Goggins (Baby Billy) playing a trans prostitute got a scathing review: "an offensive stereotype"; "a grossly overblown caricature"; "a throwback to the blackmail him because he's gay and it's disgusting" storylines; "Throw us under the bus for cheap laughs."  Also, "Walter Groggin isn't even a good-looking man."  Well, that's a matter of opinion

So I fast forwarded through Episode 5.5, "Orca Shrugged," past innumerable bloody shootings, men having anal sex with naked ladies, and a single shirtless guy (I don't know who he is) to Venus Van Dam's first appearance.

The Premise: The Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club is involved in a number of illegal activities, but new boss Jax Teller (Charlie Hunnan), son of the original leaders, gets a new business scheme: blackmail.  One of his henchmen drugs the obese insurance guy Allen (Brad Grunberg) -- the Orca of the title.

 Scene 1: The guys have Allen unconscious, tied up, in a BDSM outfit.  Venus Van Dam arrives, hired to have sex with him, showing both her boobs and her cock, so they can film it and blackmail him later.  

She flirts with all of guys, but when Jax offers to help her put on her dominatrix costume, she refuses. 

 

Scene 2: We see girl boobs and butt while Venus is riding Allen.  

Suddenly Devin (Marshall Allman), his stepson, bursts in and wants to know what's happening.  "You guys drug him or something?"  He is delighted: "Wow -- you guys are totally blackmailing him!"  

He wants to take some photos to blackmail Allen himself, but the gang won't allow it.

Venus asks how old he is.  "21."  "I like them young and sweet," she says, going in for a flirtation. Devin catches on that she's trans immediately: "Dude, you're like,  a dude."  He seems more intrigued than disgusted. 

 "Didn't your Daddy tell you to not judge a book by its penis?" Venus asks. "Have you ever had your dick sucked by a Southern girl with a huge cock?" 

Grinning, Devin considers a hookup.  The other guys encourage him: "Doesn't mean you're gay. We;ve all been there."  So they've all purchased her services?

They go into the next room to do it.  Whoops, Venus puts a blindfold on him, and brings her camera.  They're going to blackmail the boy, too!  They must have thought of this scheme on the spot.

By the way, Marshall Allman is about the cutest guy to ever accept a blow job.  Want to see his butt?

How about a pixilated dick?

Scene 3: The guys are dressing Allen/Orca.  He won't remember anything when he awakens.  

Venus returns from giving Stepson Devin a blow job, and hands over the camera evidence for blackmail use.  

Devin comes out, grinning, and relates that it was "intense."  Jax tells him not to reveal their blackmail scheme, or pictures of the blow job will show up all over his social media.  "But I would never rat on you guys.  I think the motorcycle club is awesome. I'd like to hang out with you guys sometime."  Maybe next time the guys can do each other, while Venus watches.

They invite him to hang out at the club, and he leaves  (This is his only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so the "hang" offer never materialized.) Jax thanks Venus for her help.  "Whenever you need a little Venus love, give me a call." She kisses Jax on the lips and leaves. 

Uh-oh, Allen/Orca wakes up and bites Tigs (Kim Coates) on the butt!  They subdue him.  "Why does this always happen to me?" Tigs groans.  Maybe you should ask if they're into rimming before putting your butt in their face. 

As long as we're showing butts, here's Kim Coates'.

And Charlie Hunnan's.

This is Allen's only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so apparently his identity is unimportant.  He is simply illustrating Jax's new blackmailing business.

Analysis: The trans hooker is an old cliche, of course, and using Venus specifically for the blackmail suggests that Allen is transphobic.  But he has been characterized as a jerk, so it's understandable.  The Motorcycle Club members  themselves are not transphobic in the least. They have all either been with Venus, or are fine with other guys going with her.  There is no fear of deception or big reveal; everyone appears to know that she is trans right away.

What about her huge cock?  Many trans women do not get bottom surgery: they can't afford it, it's too invasive, or they don't see the need.  Beside, a lot of guys like that.

In later episodes, we learn about Venus's painful growing up in a transphobic household.  The motorcycle guys help rescue her son from his abusive mother, and she helps them find the wife and children of a slain motorcycle guy. She starts a romantic relationship with Tigs that lasts all through the end of the series, with neither of them dying. 

Of course, it would be preferable to have a trans actor play a trans character, but other than the casting issue, I don't see a problem.  

See also: Workaholics Episode 3.15, which uses the same gay sex (or sex with someone with a penis) humiliation routine.