Stephen Schneider's Extensive Nude Scene: A Gemstone Gem.
Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some cocks to get you through it
1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.
Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon. It looks like Abraham squeezed between them. I can't tell which leg belongs to who.
The Duel: The Cape and Pistol Society. Vance Simkins bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him. He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel. Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.
They immediately adjourn to the front lawn. Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory." You know, duelling and challenging someone to a duel has been illegal in South Carolina since 1880.
Vance's shot goes way over the trees. Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag, and then he stops and begs for his life. Now Jesse deliberately aims away from him, but accidentally hits someone else.
He tells the group: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man. It's what you do that makes you impressive. So I quit." Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.
The Proposal: Kelvin examines the newly-completed treehouse. "Great job, Keefey." You've never once called him that, Bro.
Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror." Nope, not anymore. In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage.
Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and Kelvin completely tears down the idea. Now he proposes: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring. They hug and kiss.
This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear. We still need a wedding -- hopefully.
BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it." Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.
Now that the pole has come,,off, they discuss the Monkey. BJ misses him, and wants him back.
Cut to Judy taking him to visit the Monkey. They end up reconciling. I fast forwarded past that part: boy-and-dog, or in this case boy-and-monkey stories make me uncomfortable. Presumably this is the end of Judy's plot arc, but I'm not sure what it was.Lori and Eli: Visiting Eli, Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that they aren't dating. In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough." He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister. Well, he killed Cobb to save Eli and Baby Billy. You might expect some trauma.
Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there. They say goodbye and hug. Doesn't she live nearby? Can't they continue to be friends?
Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.
Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds. He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.
"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work." He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene. He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending time with his family.
When this scene appeared in the trailers, fans speculated that Eli was mourning the death of Baby Billy or Lori, or that he himself and all of the siblings were dead.
"By the way, has anyone heard from Corey?"
No, he doesn't answer their calls and texts. They decide to invite him up to the Lake House.
Pontius has his arm around Gideon -- and leaves it there -- and keeps hugging and patting his shoulder. This is a parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe displays of affection. After Season 1 dropped strong hints that Gideon was gay, he never expressed an interest in men or women after. Pontius had a girlfriend in Season 3, but this season he is shown only with men, and the t-shirt he wears has only cocks on it.
They are in a masculine embrace, only the fact that they are brothers pushing away from identifying them as gay -- and only just barely.
It's Corey's turn to perform. He comes down in his Michael Jackson outfit -- the one Eli paid $22,000 for. He moonwalks, grabs his crotch, but doesn't sing a Michael Jackson song. Maybe they couldn't get the rights.
Uh-oh, Corey has a problem: the bank is going to foreclose on the Gator Farm, and he needs $7 million to buy it back. They're all shocked -- you don't just ask for money, you approach with a business plan and a powerpoint presentation -- but Corey says "I killed my Daddy to save Dr. Gemstone. He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?"
Jana tries to spin it as a loan, not a handout. Corey tells her to shut up, and she finally grows a pair: "I'm tired of you talking to me like that!"
"Then get the fuck out!" Corey yells.
Jana wants a divorce. "This is over!"
The siblings push Corey into playing cornhole to calm him down. Eli pushes everyone else onto the boat.Gemstones Episode 3.8: Is Peter a woman? Are Kelvin and Keefe lovers? With tender bits, an exploding van, n*de soldiers, and The Big Damn Kiss
Episode 3.7 was the worst in the series due to its chronological disaster, plot incongruity, annoying misdirections, and assertion that the guys were just good buddies. Maybe that was intentional, to disorient the viewers so they would not be expecting Episode 3.8 : It is intricately plotted, and gives us a huge number of queer codes, including one that most fans consider definitive.
Title: "I Will Take You by the Hand and Keep You." Isaiah 42.6, ESV: "I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you." We'll see who gets to hold hands.
Reunited with the Loved Ones: After their rescue, the siblings are taken to Rogers Regional Medical Center to be examined. Gideon must have finally phoned the family, because the partners and kids burst in, coincidentally in the order they need to be in to reach their loved ones without bumping into each other.We cut to the siblings being interviewed by the police. BJ and Gideon stand in front of them. Amber is not present. Keefe waits by the door, still not included in the family; but he does get a bit where he knocks over a trash can and yells "I hate what you had to endure." They all hate Eli, who left them to suffer and possibly be killed.
Next, having established that May-May wasn't in on the kidnapping plot, she and Eli bond.
Which of you is a woman?: With the marital problem plotlines nearly over, we have time for a deep-dive into the Militia.
They stop at Dodge's Fried Chicken, a real fast-food place on Savannah Highway in Charleston (next to a KFC, har har). Marshall continues to grumble. Peter asserts that complaining is "like a woman," and Marshall retorts that he drives "like a woman." They continue to call each other women until Chuck gets tired of it and tells them to focus on the new plan. Whatever it is.
Peter re-asserts his authority: if they rebel against him, they are rebelling against God, because he is the Keeper of the Word. Uh-oh, another Messiah.
We see again parallels between the Militia and Kelvin's God Squad in Season 2: both societies devoted to the masculine, suspicious of women, informed by homoerotic or homosocial desire. run by a messianic figure. The militia is the dark side of Kelvin's God Squad We can go even farther and juxtapose Kelvin's bodybuilder fetish with the militia's fetishization of the soldier.
First, BJ and Judy take a bath together. BJ: "The whole time you were in captivity, I would light candles and just cry." It sounds like they were held for longer than a day. Also, his eye, puffed out from his fight with Stephen, is almost healed. Maybe a week?
Next it's Kelvin and Keefe's turn. Keefe has changed into a sleeveless leather top with gold studs from the Jim Morrison Mr. Mojo collection. The Doors' song "Mr. Mojo Risin'" may be relevant here:
First he eliminates the platonic pal option by asking if Kelvin is dating Taryn. Immediately after asking, he has Kelvin spread his legs, feels up his inner thighs, and starts"taking liberties," as Adam Devine reveals. The actor needed to be semi-aroused so his penis would look bigger for a cut scene with frontal nudity. In-universe, Keefe is answering his own question.
Kelvin: "Nah. She ain't my type." I've heard gay men say "You're not my type" to reject a flirtatious woman without coming out, but why would Kelvin feel the need to be closeted with his ex-boyfriend? This must be a structural ploy to avoid having him say "gay."
He continues: "I hated all the forced claps and laughter and fun times. I like doing claps and laughters with you." I've analyzed this scene in detail, and I still can't think of an in-universe reason for bringing up Taryn's work performance. That wasn't the question, and besides, Kelvin is no longer the church youth minister, so he's in no position to hire Keefe back.
But Keefe assumes that he's talking about the job, and responds in kind: "I love getting the children zazzed up and excited to learn about Jesus with you."
Now Kelvin clarifies that he was answering the "Are you and Taryn dating" question, not "Can I have my old job back?" "I mean, Taryn was nice and all, but she's not you." She was nice, but you can't build a romance from niceness. You need passion.
Keefe understands: "She tried to replace me, but it was a failed try." They're going to be romantic partners, combining eros and phileo, trying to "build something" for the future., regardless of its impact on Kelvin's career. Which shouldn't be a problem. He's not working for the church anymore. They can move to Atlanta and march in Pride Parades.

Back at the mansion, Chuck sneaks a phone call to his brother Karl, to complain that escaping put him and his dad in a bad spot with the militia. Oh, was not wanting to be murdered inconsiderate? Terribly sorry, Bro. He insists that he wouldn't really have killed his cousins. Everybody's got excuses.
I can be true to myself: The siblings meet for lunch at Jason's Steak House, and discuss how the kidnapping ordeal has changed them.
Judy: "Things are better than before the kidnapping." You and BJ having a second honeymoon?
Kelvin: "Makes everything snap into focus, that's for sure." You and Keefe having a second honeymoon?
Jesse: "I can be more honest, true to myself." He's stopped dying his sideburns, letting the natural gray appear.
Jesse asks them to return to their jobs at the church, and they agree. They don't mention Keefe returning as assistant youth minister, but it's implied: everyone has apparently forgotten about the Smut Busters scandal. Then they hold hands. In this season, holding hands has been awkward and uncomfortable for the siblings, so this is an important milestone in their relationship.
Not much left in the episode, but what's left includes most important scene in the series.
More after the break
Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.
Previous: Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus
In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover. They go out to dinner and beat up a tough. Now we see the aftermath.
A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism. They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?" He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter. He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."
There are several takeaways here. First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion?
Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.
Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.
Execretions and Hep C Loads: After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on. Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex. He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.
Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot." So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time.
She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family. Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family." But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal. The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.
As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere. This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.
Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine. Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost. Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats." I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers. There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity.
But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!
On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional. The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.
After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore. This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free? Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.
You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff. Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.
The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance. He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.
Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.
Nude Texas dudes after the break
Bondage doesn't solve everything: a Kelvin/Keefe romance
"Ow!" Keefe had subbed in a lot of BDSM scenes, back in the old days when he was Baby Queef, a performance artist at the Club Sinister, but he had never been into the pain part. How about something fun, Babe, like edging me, or forcing me to do oral?
"Ow!" But Kelvin was new to BDSM, and not really good at reading his signals. He wasn't even experienced in vanilla sex. What do you expect from someone who grew up as the youngest child of world-famous megachurch pastor and televangelist Eli Gemstone, a role model (and teen idol) for millions of Christian kids? That's a lot of pressure! No wonder he was too guilt-ridden or worried about his image to do much sexual experimentation.
Kelvin unhooked his slave collar and pushed him down to his knees. Oh boy, forced oral coming up! Keefe thought. But instead he got his horse whip and started on Keefe's chest.
Is that really all I need? He asked himself. Do I really want to spend my life on my knees, looking up at Kelvin? Do I want a Master?
"This will teach you your place, Slave," Master was saying. "You'll think twice before disobeying my orders again."
Huh? What orders? This was a scene -- a game. Outside the dungeon, they were equal partners. Weren't they?
"Wait -- Kelvin, are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission?"
"You will address me as Sir."
"I will address you as Kelvin. Answer the question: Are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission? "
"Ow!" The whip came down on his back, hard. He roared with pain and rage. "Get me out of here, jackass! Now!"
"The safe word is 'green.'"
"Green, green, green!"
Kelvin put down the whip. "Ok, ok, hang on." He started untying the ropes. "What's wrong, Keefe? I thought you liked this. You're aroused"
"Kelvin, you're standing in front of me naked. Of course I'm aroused" His hands free, he removed the nipple clamps and sat down on a leather bench.
"You know that love you," he began. He had said it a hundred times before, but here, now, it felt different. "But it's not like any other love I've ever felt. It's white-hot, fierce, so intense that I lose myself. Everything I want, everything I need falls away. All I want is to look into your eyes forever."
"That's a good thing, right?" Kelvin said. "You're everything I need, too."
"And you want it to happen," Keefe continued. "I don't really have a job, with duties and a salary -- I do what you tell me to do. If I make a suggestion, you dismiss me. If I disagree with anything, you pout."
"You apologized for starting that teen group without my permission," Kelvin said, "And I forgave you. Why are you still harping on it?"
"Everything I own is either a gift from you or something I bought with your money. "
"I didn't know you felt this way," Kelvin said, sarcastic. "I'm sorry that I buy you things."
"I'm one of your accessories, someone to parade around so everybody thinks you're cool." Suddenly the tears started up. "I want to share my life with you; I don't want you to be my life. I want us to walk side by side, as partners.."
"But Keefe, you are my partner," Kelvin said, paling as he realized what was happening.
"No, I'm not. I'm your boy toy." The tears started. He struggled to talk. "I have to go. Right now."
"No, don't...I love you..." and as Keefe headed to the door. "You can't go out like that. At least let me take off the slave collar."
But he couldn't wait. Kelvin followed for a few steps. "Wait..." he called, his voice cracking. He was starting to cry, too. "I love..."
Keefe ran up the stairs, across the foyer, and out of the house. Should he go back inside to change clothes and pick up some car keys? No way -- if he turned back, he would collapse into Kelvin's arms. He took one of the golf carts and drove it, tears burning in his eyes, across the estate to Judy and BJ's house.
Judy, Kelvin's older sister, answered the door. "Keefe, darlin', you're crying. What's wrong? Did that jackass Kelvin do something? Did he hit you?"
"Not like that," he managed to stammer. "I...I....think I left him."
She led him to the couch in the parlor, and sat with her arm around his shoulders. Soon BJ appeared, and sat on other side. It took a moment for him to speak. "I need somewhere else to stay tonight. And maybe...." He broke down again.
"Of course you can stay here until you get things sorted out," Judy told him. "And even if you don't. You're part of the family, with or without Kelvin. You'll always have a home here. I'm sure Daddy will be happy to give you his father's house, since Gideon doesn't want it."
"It's too early for plans like that," BJ told her sternly. "Right now we just need to get Keefe through the night. Could you go into the kitchen and make us some tea?"
"I don't know how to make tea!" Judy protested. "Emilia always makes it."
"Oh -- just microwave some water and put a Lipton's teabag in it."
"Water will be fine, Judy," Keefe said.
She vanished into the kitchen. BJ kept his arm around Keefe. "Buddy, it's hard being the partner of a celebrity. You're in their shadow so much that it feels like you're losing yourself. I know from experience."
Keefe stared. That was exactly what he said, half an hour ago.
"But you don't just let it end. You have to fight. Find some way to be your own man. Find a life that doesn't revolve around him. If he loves you, he'll accept that."
"Maybe I'll fight tomorrow," Keefe told him. "Right now I'm too tired to think,"
"Oh, of course. Stupid of me. We'll get that collar off and find some pajamas for you to wear. Will you be ok by yourself in the guest suite? I could bed down on the couch in there. "
"No, that's ok. I just want to sleep."
In the morning, the housekeeper Emilia made turkey sausage, 12-grain toast, and a fruit parfait just for Keefe, but he couldn't eat more than a few bites. At least he wasn't crying anymore, but...he had been with Kelvin almost every moment for the last three years. Even having breakfast without him seemed strange.
"Morning, Brother." Kelvin was there, right in the doorway! Judy stood quickly to block his entry.
"Can't I just talk to him?"
She looked at Keefe for validation. He shook his head.
"You heard the man. Get out!"
"Judy, I came to pick you up for the Salvation Center. We have a board meeting in half an hour."
"That's a lie and you know it! We always take separate cars..." She glanced back at Keefe again. "Oh, sorry, I forgot that I asked you to pick me up this morning." She returned to the table, kissed BJ on the cheek, and hugged Keefe. "Bye, y'all. I wish I could come along on all the fun things BJ has planned for you today!"
Then they were gone. Keefe watched for a long time, hoping that they would return for something, and he could see Kelvin again. "What fun things do you have planned for us today?" he asked.
"Oh, Judy was just trying to make Kelvin mad. In a few minutes I'll pop over to your house and get some of your stuff. Then I'm free all day , if you want to do something -- go to the beach or Splash Mountain, or to a movie. Or we can just hang out here and play video games."
Keefe frowned. "Don't go to any trouble on my account. If you have somewhere to be..."
More after the break
Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad
Here he and his Dad study for his Bar Mitzvah.
He graduated from Emory University in Atlanta, started a sketch comedy website, and wrote, produced, and starred in some short films, including "Not Gay," 2006.
Soon Stephen found his niche in comedy, playing quirky boyfriends.
Ray Stark, the Love Interest of one of the Best Friends Forever, 2012.
Ben in the relationship comedy, Things You Shouldn't Say Past Midnight, 2014.
You're the Worst, 2014-17, follows the romance of two horrible people, Jimmy and Gretchen. Stephen plays Gretchen's ex, who is still in love with her. They eventually hookup, of course.
Stephen is on the IMBD list of Hung Actors, along with Derek Yates,John Cena, and Ben Affleck -- #32, but I don't think it's organized by size. He gets naked here, but no frontal.
Broad City, 2014-2017, follows two female best friends looking for love and sex in contemporary New York. Stephen plays Abbi's hunky next door neighbor, whom she is crushing on. When they finally hook up, she discovers that he's a heterosexual anal bottom. Not a problem, but then she tries to wash his favorite dildo in the dishwasher, ruining it, ending the relationship.
For someone who gets placed on the Hung List, Stephen is rather stingy about showing his dick. In Broad City, all we get are underwear shots.
More Stephen after the break. Caution: arousal.
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