RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some cocks to get you through it

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete."

1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon. It looks like Abraham squeezed between them. I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel: The Cape and Pistol Society. Vance Simkins bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him. He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel. Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn. Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory." You know, duelling and challenging someone to a duel has been illegal in South Carolina since 1880.

Vance's shot goes way over the trees. Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag, and then he stops and begs for his life. Now Jesse deliberately aims away from him, but accidentally hits someone else.

He tells the group: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man. It's what you do that makes you impressive. So I quit." Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin examines the newly-completed treehouse. "Great job, Keefey." You've never once called him that, Bro.

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror." Nope, not anymore. In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage.

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and Kelvin completely tears down the idea. Now he proposes: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring. They hug and kiss.

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear. We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it." Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off. Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight...we're going to jerk it off." Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come,,off, they discuss the Monkey. BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him to visit the Monkey. They end up reconciling. I fast forwarded past that part: boy-and-dog, or in this case boy-and-monkey stories make me uncomfortable. Presumably this is the end of Judy's plot arc, but I'm not sure what it was.

Lori and Eli: Visiting Eli, Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that they aren't dating. In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough." He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister. Well, he killed Cobb to save Eli and Baby Billy. You might expect some trauma.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there. They say goodbye and hug. Doesn't she live nearby? Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds. He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work." He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene. He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending time with his family.

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian, c*ock after the break).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit. Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars. Shows over. Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.

Alex's dick.

Gideon: Look at that cock! Incredible!

Pontius: I've seen bigger

Eli's Dick Still Works: Eli is on the darkened stage where Lori sang at the telethon. He bows to an imaginary audience, sits morosely at the piano, and starts to play.

Suddenly the siblings appear for a heart-to-heart: They're impressed that he can still "do cums," so they're fine with him using his dick, with Miss Lori or whoever. They all hug.

When this scene appeared in the trailers, fans speculated that Eli was mourning the death of Baby Billy or Lori, or that he himself and all of the siblings were dead.

"By the way, has anyone heard from Corey?"

No, he doesn't answer their calls and texts. They decide to invite him up to the Lake House.

Pontius Pats: At Galilee Gulch, Corey stares morosely out into the lake, then goes inside, where the talent show is going on:

Lori and Judy sing "Little Angel, Big Heart," which she mentioned writing with Aimee-Leigh.

In the audience, Keefe is feeding Kelvin Hershey's Kisses. This will become important later.

Pontius has his arm around Gideon -- and leaves it there -- and keeps hugging and patting his shoulder. This is a parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe displays of affection. After Season 1 dropped strong hints that Gideon was gay, he never expressed an interest in men or women after. Pontius had a girlfriend in Season 3, but this season he is shown only with men, and the t-shirt he wears has only cocks on it.

They are in a masculine embrace, only the fact that they are brothers pushing away from identifying them as gay -- and only just barely.

It's Corey's turn to perform. He comes down in his Michael Jackson outfit -- the one Eli paid $22,000 for. He moonwalks, grabs his crotch, but doesn't sing a Michael Jackson song. Maybe they couldn't get the rights.

Uh-oh, Corey has a problem: the bank is going to foreclose on the Gator Farm, and he needs $7 million to buy it back. They're all shocked -- you don't just ask for money, you approach with a business plan and a powerpoint presentation -- but Corey says "I killed my Daddy to save Dr. Gemstone. He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?"

Jana tries to spin it as a loan, not a handout. Corey tells her to shut up, and she finally grows a pair: "I'm tired of you talking to me like that!"

"Then get the fuck out!" Corey yells.

Jana wants a divorce. "This is over!"

The siblings push Corey into playing cornhole to calm him down. Eli pushes everyone else onto the boat.

More after the break

Cornhole with Corey: The siblings say that they'll help any way that they can, other than giving you $7 million, of course.

Kelvin's $5,000 shirt is stained with chocolate, so he runs upstairs to change, and hears his mama whisper to him. There she is! Or is it someone else, masquerading as Aimee-Leigh for a nefarious purpose?

She leads him into Corey's room, for some reason, then vanishes. Look, it's Corey's bag, with a gun inside, and the Gold-Plated Bible! Wait -- why would Aimee-Leigh want to point out the Bible? All it does is implicate Corey as an accessory in Cobb's theft. And why would Corey bring it along on a weekend at the lake house?

Suddenly Corey is there. "Why you sniffing my underwear?"

Kelvin quickly shoves the Bible in his back pocket. "Oh -- um, I was looking for a shirt to wear...I must have walked in the wrong room."

"Is that all?" He stumbles and stutters, but Corey lets him leave.

He rushes down and shows the Bible to the siblings.

Corey Comes Clean: Uh-oh, here's Corey. He explains that Cobb stole the Bible, but gave it to him because he kept his mouth shut about the home invasion. Afterwards, he helped Cobb. Whenever Lori broke up with a new guy, it was time for a meeting of the Ex-Boyfriend's Club: "And then we would handle things, one way or another." You're confessing all this because Kelvin found the Bible?

Flashback to Corey watching from his car as Cobb beats up a guy with a board.

"At first Dad would just fight them. Then things got worse and worse."

A guy falls out of the back of the Gator Farm truck and tries to run, but Cobb shoots him.

"Daddy was a monster. By the time we got to Big Dick Mitch, I was a monster, too."

So Cobb and Corey have been taking care of the boyfriends for 20 year, and Lori never noticed? Surely one of the beat-up guys would mention it instead of just ghosting her.

Next question: Is Big Dick th only boyfriend that Cobb kept as a sex slave, or were there others?

Corey heads back into the house. The siblings think he's going to kill himself, and follow.

A selfie of a random twink, to steel you up for what happens next.

The Siblings Die: Once they reach the house, Corey starts shooting. Judy is down! Jesse and Kelvin run!

Meanwhile, on the boat, Gideon hears gunshots. But Corey turns up the music loud, so he thinks that they're jusst partying as he chases Jesse and Kelvin through the house: UB40, "Red Red Wine."

All I can do, I've done. Memories won't go.
I'd have sworn, that with time thoughts of you would leave my head
I was wrong -- now I find just one thing makes me forget

Corey brought the Golden Bible to the Lake House because covering up for Cobb that night marked the beginning of his descent. If the siblings gave him the money, things might have been different -- maybe he would have returned it to get closure -- but their rejection suggests that he can't be redeemed. He will die a monster. So he goes after them.

Kelvin rushes into Eli's room. Corey follows him and checks under the bed. Not there; he jumps out from behind a curtain and attacks. Corey shoots him. Notice the parallel with the home invasion; Kelvin is no longer afraid.

Next Corey shoots through a closet door, and Jesse collapses -- but still alive!

Out of bullets, Corey heads out to his truck and starts assembling a high-power rifle. The siblings crawl toward each other, alive but injured. I already know that a wedding is coming up, from the previews. Is it a dream sequence, as Kelvin is dying?

Jesse has a gun in his room, but they're too weak to climb the stairs. So Judy rings for the Monkey, and tells it to go upstairs and fetch Jesse's purse.

The Monkey brings it, and as Corey walks in with his rifle, Jesse shoots him.

The siblings hover over him. "I'm sorry, y'all," he tells them.

Corey has realized that he isn't a monster after all. Like the boys in the Civil War, he killed not out of a violent nature, but because he was forced. Now he is dying, and scared. He asks the siblings to pray for him.

Knowing that they are dying, too, the siblings also pray for themselves, evoking the pain that has kept them from God, and from each other, through four seasons:

Judy: Anger

Kelvin: Fear

Jesse: Jealousy

For all of them: The belief that they are not worthy of love.

Of course they aren't. None of us are. But by some miracle, we are loved anyway.

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.

Whoa, I'll bet you didn't expect profound theological insights from a tv show specializing in d*cks and dirty jokes.

And the siblings don't die. I imagine that the family came to investigate, and arrived a moment later. Remember that BJ was shot in the leg in Season 2; he would bleed out in two minutes, and there was no one around to administer first aid, yet he lived. God loves the Gemstones.

The Wedding: At the tree house (why do two men in their 40s, who live in a mansion, need a tree house?). Kelvin is wearing a white robe, and Keefe a glittery black outfit with a phoenix.

Eli: "Sad fact of life is we lose people. But if we do it right, we find new ones along the way. New loves, faithful companions that we call family. That's what marriage is."

They say their own vows: Spitting on their hands (gross!), handshake, and exchanging electric rings that glow.

The Gemstones and the Freemans are on Kelvin's side, along with an unidentified Cape and Pistol guy. Keefe's side has a lot of Prism people, a weird-looking couple, probably his parents (he hugs them at the reception), and two empty chairs. For Lori and Corey?

The Reception: Njght. Notice that the banner says "Keefe and Kelvin," whereas fans always say "Kelvin and Keefe."

There's a choir singing "Rocket to Your Heart" by Lisa, a standard in gay clubs of the 1980s:

I wanna dance, dance and sing
I wanna show you everything I know
I'm sending a rocket to your heart.

Kelvin and Keefe start the dance, and everyone joins in.

None of the brothers brought dates to the reception. Ok, I've been waiting three seasons for Gideon to express romantic interest in someone after breaking up with Scotty. This was his last chance. I'm calling it: he's gay.

Martin congratulates Eli for finally getting all of his kids married off, so he can retire. Baby Billy wonders where Miss Lori is. "We're good," Eli says.

The fireworks go off, and the Keefe and Kelvin banner bursts into flames. Everyone applauds.

The classic Shakespearean comedy ends with a wedding, but we're not done yet. There are still plot arcs to resolve, and Aimee-Leigh's farewell to the viewers.