Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye to the Gemstones. With eight gay/bi characters, countless cocks, and a friggin' glory hole.

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die? Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married? Plus some random c*ocks to get you through it.

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus: A more obvious, and highly erotic, romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two homoerotic bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

Penises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' glory hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them.  In the midst of some profound theological questions about faith and forgiveness.

There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 posts, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye.  

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special goodbye message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote to Lori years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at Corey's grave.   

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Tiffany and Judy. Keefe hugs Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to Vance was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt: he's gay. Prove me wrong.

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher.   

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die? Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married? Plus some random cocks to get you through it.

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9: Corey moonwalks, Pontius hugs, and BJ greases his pole.  Plus two hunkoids on crosses

Earlier in the episode, Corey asks for $7 million to keep the Gator Farm open, but Eli and the siblings refuse.  This causes a meltdown.  To defuse the situation, the siblings push Corey out to play cornhole, and Eli takes the rest of the family out on his boat.

Cornhole with Corey: The siblings say that they'll help any way that they can, other than giving you $7 million, of course.

Kelvin's $5,000 shirt is stained with chocolate, so he runs upstairs to change, and hears his mama whisper to him.  There she is!  Or is it someone else, masquerading as Aimee-Leigh for a nefarious purpose?

She leads him into Corey's room, for some reason, then vanishes.  Look, it's Corey's bag, with a gun inside, and the Gold-Plated Bible!  Wait -- why would Aimee-Leigh want to point out the Bible?  All it does is implicate Corey as an accessory in Cobb's theft.  And why would Corey bring it along on a weekend at the lake house?

Suddenly Corey is there.  "Why you sniffing my underwear?"

Kelvin quickly shoves the Bible in his back pocket. "Oh -- um, I was looking for a shirt to wear...I must have walked in the wrong room."   

"Is that all?" He stumbles and stutters, but Corey lets him leave.

He rushes down and shows the Bible to the siblings. 

Corey Comes Clean: Uh-oh, here's Corey.  He explains that Cobb stole the Bible, but gave it to him because he kept his mouth shut about th eome invasion.  Afterwards, he helped Cobb.  They called it the "Ex-Boyfriends Club": whenever Lori found a new guy, it was time for a meeting of the Ex-Boyfriend's Club: "And then we would handle things, one way or another."  You're confessing all this because Kelvin found the Bible?

Flashback to Corey watching from his car as Cobb beats up a guy with a board.

"At first Dad would just fight them.  Then things got worse and worse."

A guy falls out of the back of the Gator Farm truck and tries to run, but Cobb shoots him.

"Daddy was a monster. By the time we got to Big Dick Mitch, I was a monster, too."  

So Cobb and Corey have been taking care of the boyfriends for 20 year, and Lori never noticed?  Surely one of the beat-up guys would mention it instead of just ghosting her.

Next question: Is Big Dick th only boyfriend that Cobb kept as a sex slave, or were there others?

Corey heads back into the house.  The siblings think he's going to kill himself, and follow.

A selfie of a random twink, to steel you up for what happens next.

The Siblings Die: Once they reach the house, Corey starts shooting. Judy is down!  Jesse and Kelvin run!

Meanwhile, on the boat, Gideon hears gunshots.  

Corey turns up the music loud, so they won't hear as he chases Jesse and Kelvin through the house: UB40, "Red Red Wine."

All I can do, I've done.  Memories won't go.

I'd have sworn, that with time thoughts of you would leave my head

I was wrong  -- now I find just one thing makes me forget

Corey brought the Golden Bible to the Lake House because covering up for Cobb that night marked the beginning of his descent. If the siblings gave him the money, things might have been different -- maybe he would have returned it to get closure -- but their rejection suggests that he can't be redeemed. He will die a monster. So he goes after them.

Kelvin rushes into Eli's room.  Corey follows him and checks under the bed.  Not there; he jumps out from behind a curtain and attacks.  Corey shoots him.  Notice the parallel with the home invasion; Kelvin is no longer afraid.

Next Corey shoots through a closet door, and Jesse collapses -- but still alive!  

Out of bullets, Corey heads out to his truck and starts assembling a high-power rifle.  The siblings crawl toward each other, alive but injured.  I already knew that a wedding was coming up.  At this point I was wondering if it was a dream sequence, or Eli marrying Lori.

Jesse has a gun in his room, but they're too weak to climb the stairs. So Judy rings for the Monkey, and tells it to go upstairs and fetch Jesse's purse.

The Monkey brings it, and as Corey walks in with his rifle, Jesse shoots him. 

The siblings hover over him as he is dying. "I'm sorry, y'all," he tells them.

Corey has realized that he isn't a monster after all.  Like the boys dying during the Civil War, he killed not out of a violent nature, but because he was forced.  Now he is dying, and scared.  He asks the siblings to pray for him.

Knowing that they are dying, too, the siblings also pray for themselves, evoking the pain that has kept them from God, and from each other, through four seasons:

Judy: Anger

Kelvin: Fear

Jesse: Jealousy

For all of them: The belief that they are not worthy of love.  

Of course they aren't.  None of us are.  But by some miracle, we are loved anyway.

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.9: Corey moonwalks, Pontius hugs, and BJ greases his pole. Plus there are two hunkoids on crosses, one with a d*ck

 

Previous: Episode 4.8, Continued: We finally see Big Dick Mitch, the boy named Stacy, a serial killer, and a lot of tied-up dudes.

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete."  1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."   Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon.  It looks like Abraham squeezed between them.  I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel:  The Cape and Pistol Society.  Vance bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him.  He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel.  Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn.  Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory."  You know, duelling is illegal lin South Carolina.

Vance's shot goes way over the trees.  Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag.  Then he stops and begs for his life.  Jesse deliberately aims away from him: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man.  It's what you do that makes you impressive.  So I quit."  Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin and Keefe examine the newly-completed treehouse, praising how nicely it all came together.   "Great job, Keefey."  You've never once called him that, Bro. 

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror."  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage. 

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and he completely tears down the idea.  He approaches: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring.  They hug and kiss.  

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear.  We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought  I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it."  Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.  

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off.  Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight...we're going to jerk it off."  Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come, they discuss the Monkey.  BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him for a joyful reunion.  I'm fast forwarding past that part.  Presumably this is the end of her plot arc.

Lori and Eli: Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that she and Eli aren't dating.  In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough."  He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there.  They say goodbye and hug.  Doesn't she live nearby?  Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds.  He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

Left: Ash (Michael Sayfou) tied to a cross.  

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work."  He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene.  He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending  time with his family. 

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian (c*ock after the break).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit.  Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars.  Shows over.  Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.8, Continued: We finally see Big Dick Mitch, the boy named Stacy, a serial killer, and a lot of tied-up guys

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.8: BJ's hookup, Corey's birthday blade, and Tyler's tree trunk

Earlier in the episode, we saw the homophobic Vance Simkins dragged offstage, BJ walking again, Teenjus in a dance competition, and Cobb gifting Corey with a very special knife.  

The Songs Aimee-Leigh and Lori Wrote:    The siblings are ending a very long board meeting.  They're anxious to go home, but Martin insists on bringing in one last visitor.  What is he, their receptionist?

It's Lori!  She needs to talk to Eli, but he won't answer her calls or texts.  They growl and posture, and yell about how much they hate her, until she proves that she loved Aimee-Leigh, and them.

 1. When Judy was a few months old, they had to drive to Nashville for a show, and Aimee-Leigh missed her so much that she couldn't stop crying.  So they wrote "Little Angels, Big Hearts." Why did you leave your three-month old baby at home? And by the way, that's an eight-hour drive.  You'd better fly.

2. When Kelvin was about 12, he was in a piano concert in Atlanta.  He forgot his lucky shoes, but Mama convinced him to play anyhow.  And they wrote "Barefoot and Praying."  Why does Kelvin's musical talent appear in flashbacks, but never in the present?  He doesn't even own a piano.

3. When Gideon was a baby, he got a fever, and they didn't know if he would make it.  Jesse stayed up all night, holding his hand, and they wrote "Heaven's Thunder," about finding the strength to never give up.  Hey, I'm tearing up. My dad stayed up all night with me once when I was sick.   

This actually proves that Aimee-Leigh loved them, not Lori, but the siblings are moved, and agree to help her contact Eli. 

Big Dick Mitch:  After their lunch,  Eli and Baby Billy get into their car.  Suddenly they get darted, and go unconscious!   In the middle of the afternoon , in the parking lot of a restaurant?  

They awaken several hours later, tied up in a concrete room, with a naked, collared man who says he was kidnapped.

Eli: "Are you Big Dick Mitch?"

Baby Billy: "That's an odd thing to comment on."  Dude can't help it if he likes dicks, Baby Billy. Remember, he dated Junior.

Notice that Big Dick Mitch is actually quite small. Lori would know this.  I think Cobb gave him the nickname to embarrass him, and told his son -- uh-oh, Corey is in on it, or at least aware of it and protecting Cobb.

Mitch is played by Regan Burns, an actor and comedian best known as the Dad on Dog with a Blog  He has 83 credits on the IMDB.

Cobb enters and introduces Mitch as "a good boy," using a taser to keep him cowering.  He explains that  "I keep Mitch alive because he entertains me," implying that he usually kills Lori's boyfriends.

He's not sure if he will kill Eli and Baby Billy, or break them down, "see how long it takes you to crack, make y'all my womans."  

"You ain't gonna make me a woman!" Baby Billy exclaims.

"I'll make you whatever I want."  He unzips and pulls it out (unseen).  Mitch whimpers as he starts to lower into position for sucking his dick.  Then suddenly Stacy pages him: "the police are here.  They'd like a word."

Stacy is actually a guy, played by Michael Berthold.  Cobb seems to be promoting traditional hegemonic masculinity with the contention that someone who plays a passive role in same-sex activity is a "woman," yet he doesn't seem bothered by a long-haired, androgynous boy with a girl's name?

Michael Berthold grew up in Apopka, north of Orlando, Florida, and as of this writing is a student at the University of Florida, Gainsville.  He has 28 acting credits on the IMDB, including Billy the Fetus (2016), for which he won a Young Actors Award, and  The Peanut Butter Falcon (2019), where he worked with Shia LaBeouf.

And he owns a Great Dane.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.8: BJ's hookups, Corey's birthday blade, and Tyler's tree trunk

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7, Continued: Teenjus meets the Devil.  So does Kelvin. With a gay Christian, Jordanian junk, and Dustin's d*ck

 Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life."  I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake.  Or a gator.

A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony."  He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage. 

Jesse, watching, tells Amber "I fucking love this."  Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man."   They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."

BJ's Hookups:  Judy wheeling BJ and the Monkey through the park, complaining that they used to do picnics and hookups.  Now they can't do that.  So BJ and Judy used to go on Grindr and invite guys over?  Tell me more.

BJ wants to show her something: He can get out of the wheelchair and walk a few steps before falling.  Then a few more steps.  "I am healed!" he yells.  The Monkey is not happy.

Cut to Eli is sitting in the dark, looking at photos of him with Lori.  He decides to cut his hair.  Thank God -- he looked horrible that way.

The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ.   Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches."  So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.

They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured.  He wants to keep it.

Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette.  Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straitjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.  

The Monkey smokes!  Kelvin and Keefe want to get one: it would be a great addition to Game Night.  So they have a Game Night?  Who do they invite, gay couples?

Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to masturbate.  

The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier.  Hey, that will electrocute her!    He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me."  BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.

She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho).  I'm not sure about the significance.

BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that he should be with someone who needs his help.

Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age.   "He was beautiful, and he believed in me."  For anyone who has had to give up a pet, this is heartbreaking.  

Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, not even at the gym, so I'll F*k the Sadness with a random bear with a similar face and physique.

Ok, we've had the Sad Scene.  Now let's try for some Comedy.

Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!  

Cut to Baby Billy snorting cocaine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine.  Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a virgin mother. 

Cut!  No Virgin Mom in the script!  No ad-libbing.  "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!"  I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.

Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more cocaine.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.7, Continued: Teenjus meets the Devil. So does Kelvin. With a gay Christian, Jordanian junk, and Dustin's d*ck

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7: Kelvin and Pontius have their nards threatened, Gideon finds his voice, and skaters show their d*cks

Earlier in the episode, we saw Eli and Lori breaking up, Kelvin hiding in his treehouse after the roundtable debacle, Judy jealous of a monkey, and Gideon finding a way to be true to himself.  Now it's time for Baby Billy

Teenjus Meets the Devil:  In the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere."  (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town).   Holding his children and complaining about having to "babysit," Baby Billy directs a scene where Teenjus (Matthew Garbacz) is tempted by the Devil.  He doesn't project enough and he can't remember his line, so Baby Billy fires him and decides to play Teenjus himself.

The Devil points out that he's not a teen, but "You ain't the Devil.  It's called acting."

Tiffany and the Nanny arrive late.  He lambasts them, which upsets Tiffany: "You got time for everything but us."  She suggests that he quit, so he can spend more time with the family.  They have enough money.    Nope, it's not enough.  "I been on this stardom train before, and you got to get it while you can."  

"Is that all that matters to you?" Tiffany asks, reflecting Lori asking if money is all Eli cares about earlier in the episode.  Baby Billy: "My job is very important to me. Now stop being difficult and take these kids to get some ice cream."  She snarls. What will he finally choose, fame or family?

An Eight Ball and $2 Million:  The Board Room.  Baby Billy yells at Judy and Jesse for cutting his Teenjus budget by 29%  Instead of a cement factory in Goose Creek, he should be in Jordan "filming in some Muslim tombs."  

Top photo and left: Jordanian guys.

And by the way, since he's playing Teenjus now, he needs $2 million for reshoots, plus an 8-Ball (3.5 grams) of cocaine.  They scoff.

"Where's Kelvin?" he asks.  "I can usually talk some sense into him."

They're not speaking to him. 

Now Baby Billy yells at them for squabbling, not being a family.  They should reconcile with their brother.  

That's two partners and your uncle telling you to check in on Kelvin.  I suggest that you do it.

Family Visitors:  Jesse is going through Kelvin's house, looking for him.  He checks the foyer, a hallway with baseball-sized gummi bears mounted on the wall,  the bedroom, and then back to the foyer.  Nitpick: The bedroom is on the ground floor.  In Season 2, it was on the second floor.

Judy appears, claiming that she had to poop, and Kelvin's house was the closest.

They discuss how bad they feel about his debacle, how scared he looked -- and holy sh*t, Keefe is the next room, hanging upside down on a harness.  "My word, family visitors!" he exclaims.

Some fans have pointed out that he's using a BDSM swing for yoga.  This is the room with the massage table -- which can double as a bondage table.  So we know what kind of games the guys play.

He brings them to the treehouse, but it's hopeless:  "I've tried for days.  There's no way to get up there."  

   Jesse knows a way.  A ladder? 

Cut to Kelvin lying on blankets in his tree house, eating Fiddle Faddle and Bugles and playing with his monster movie toys, when Jesse and Judy knock on the door.  They flew up in jetpacks!  

They ask why he's not going to the Night of Testimonies:  "I'm not a brave, strong leader.  I'm a coward."  

"So what?  You are mean. You are extremely goodback with snitty retorts: "You are extremely good at rips."

Suddenly Keefe bursts in, breaking down the door. Well, he's never used a jetpack before.

"We just put that door in," Kelvin complains.

Check out the cool prop photo of Kelvin and Keefe hugging.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.7: Pontius and Kelvin have their nards threatened, Gideon finds his voice, and skaters show their d*cks

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.6, Continued: Cobb smashes, Corey lies, and Kelvin is traumatized for life.  With Mongolian men and Jace's junk

Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.  The full verse, NIV: "For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.  Husband? I think we're going for Cobb as the Big Bad.

The plotlines in this episode are not thematically linked, so I'll separate them by character.

My Animal Magnetism:  We open with the gaping mouth of an alligator!  Various hooks, tools, skins, and Cobb practicing boxing on a mannequin labeled "Feel the Pain."  

Lori drives up and yells "Nope!  We're not doing this again!"  She yells at him for trying to scare off every man she gets involved with.  She's probably referring to the brick through the her window and the car set on fire, but you never know.

He tries flirting with her - "You can't stay away.  Must be my animal magnetism."  But she says next time she's calling the cops. Next time?  I'd be calling the moment it happened.

Big Gus: Later, Cobb puts on a show at the Gator Farm. He rings a bell to signal "dinner time" to his favorite gator, the huge, ornery Big Gus.  "Gators are territorial.  Invade their territory, they'll bite you."  Uh-oh, Eli is in the audience!  The connection to Eli and Lori is too easy.  It must be a misdirection.

Cut to Cobb bagging up a toy alligator in the gift shop.  Shouldn't he have someone working during the show?   Eli approaches and explains that Lori is with him now, so "no more trouble." 

Sick, Nasty Stuff: Cobb lays into him, noting that Lori has been with a lot of men since the divorce, and she was doing "sick, nasty stuff" up in Pigeon Forge.  He hands Eli a newspaper ad for her escort service: "Adult companionship -- wealthy men.  Call, click, connect.  First half hour free."

Ok, this has to be fake.  Prostitution is illegal in the U.S., so she couldn't advertise openly.  Escorts usually work from a standard client list.  You would neveer specify "wealthy men."  And what does "first half hour free" mean?  You charge by the act, not by the hour.

Money-Hungry: At lunch, Eli asks Lori about the escort business. She claims that it's fake: "Cobb made up those ads to try to smear me."  There's not much call for 65-year old hookers in Pigeon Forge.

Eli also ran a credit check.  "You're broke.  You declared bankruptcy last year."

This makes Lori angry.  Accusing her of being a "whore," and then of being a gold-digger!  "Aimee-Leigh used to tell me how much you care about money.  I thought she was exaggerating."  She throws some money on the table to pay for her lunch and walks out. 

Kelvin Goes Into Hiding:  Keefe arrives at Kelvin's treehouse, but the rope ladders and platforms have been pulled up, so he can't get in. 

Kelvin: "This is what cowards do.  They hide in their forts."  In what way was the round table debacle cowardice?  

Keefe points out that everyone at Prism is concerned, but he doesn't believe it: "They're not concerned.  They just realized that I am a failure."

But tonight is the final event in the Top Christ Following Man promotion: the Night of Testimonies. "Nope, not going.  Now go away."

Cut to Keefe morosely turning off the lights at the Prism Prayer Room and puting a sign up: "No Prism today.  Maybe tomorrow or maybe another day or something."

Monkey Shines:  In the kitchen, the Monkey feeds BJ pretzels, gets him some water, and kisses him on the lips -- five or six times -- while Judy fumes.   

Later, she is in her bathroom, primping in front of the mirror, when the Monkey starts flinging its treats at her.  Then it jumps onto her vanity and throws her makeup onto the floor.  She rushes out into the dining room to tell BJ what's happening -- he's cleaning the Monkey's butt.  Gross!  

BJ says that it's not a competition.  He loves both Judy and the Monkey.

Then he brings up Kelvin's round-table debacle: "Poor guy.  Vance Simkins is a self-righteous bigot and a homophobe."  Judy is angry with Kelvin due to his insults earlier, so she refuses BJ and the Monkey's request that she visit him.

Kelvin's Nards: At the Cape and Pistol Society, Vance gloats: "Getting rid of Kelvin gives me a clear path to victory (in the Top Christian Man Contest).  He was the only real competition."  Plus, he enjoys hurting Kelvin, because it hurts Jesse. But Jesse counters that he hates Kelvin due to his insults from earlier, so "it doesn't hurt me at all.  It strengthens me."

Vance continues, evoking the Night of Testimonies: "I'm going to ruthlessly dismantle Kelvin -- if he has the nards to show."   He takes a meatball from Jesse's plate and, pretending that it is a testicle, eats it.  "Tasty."

Left: Kelvin's nards.

More nards after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6, continued: Cobb smashes, Corey lies, and Kelvin is traumatized for life. With Mongolian men and Jace's junk

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin cruises teen idols, Jesse hangs dong, and Cobb gets his cobb bit off. With Ricky Martin and the Italian Stallion

Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, in bed with his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Sad Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to leave, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

Time Moves Slowly: The adults at dinner at Oakwood.  Aimee-Leigh suggests that they sing some of their songs in front of an audience, to see their reaction.  Shouldn't you do this before recording?   

She pulls a surprised Lori onto the stage for "Time moves so slowly." Lori and Aimee-Leigh definitely have a lesbian butch-femme couple look here. Lesbian subtext?

Later, while Lori is talking to the band, Eli tells Aimee-Leigh that he visited  Cobb: the marriage is unsalvageable.  They discuss how solid their own marriage is.

Hold My Hand: At home, the kids are singing karaoke.  Kelvin's turn: "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down (2000). Corey hugs him for:

If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

If I'm alive and well, will you be there and holding my hand?

Check out Corey's risque tv shirt ("I'm naked under here!") and crotch-enhancing belt buckle.  He is presenting himself as a sexual being, with erotic interests that are not addressed elsewhere in the season (even as an adult, Corey displays little or no interest in his wife).

They decide to go out for tacos and chalupas, but Kelvin stays behind.  "You all bore me! I need to take a bubble bath and read for a bit." He's going to get busy with Judy's teen idol magazines.  But isn't he too young to be left home alone?

Meanwhile, Cobb is drinking and feeding his gators.

The Bible Thief: Cut to Corey, Jesse, and Judy at a Mexican restaurant.  Cobb calls to see if his son is still at the mansion.   "No, we all left to get Mexican food."  When they're done, could he drive to Norton Bridge?  His truck broke down.

Cobb is actually at the back gate of the Gemstones compound.  He puts on a ski mask, climbs over the gate, and tromps through a thunderstorm.  He breaks through a window to enter the house.  Kelvin, in Judy's room tearing pictures of hot guys from Tiger Beat, hears the noise, thinks that the kids have returned, and runs downstairs.

The Mongolian throat singing in the background is "Wolf Totem," by the metal/folk group The Hu. The lyrics in English translation are heard during the closing credits:

If lions come, we will fight until the end

If you come as snakes, we'll become Garuda birds

If you come as tigers, we'll face you as lions with blue manes

Cobb pees into a booze bottle, steals the Golden Bible and other stuff, and goes through the house, smashing everything he can find.  Kelvin watches from the kitchen, then runs to hide in his bedroom.  But Cobb smashes the stuff there, too and, hearing a noise, raises the bed.  Kelvin screams.  Cobb runs out.

Cut to Corey and company at Norton Bridge, waiting to help Cobb with his "stalled truck," wondering why he's not around. 

The adults arrive.  The house is ransacked, and the kids are gone!  They rush through the house calling for them.  Aimee-Leigh pulls Kelvin out from under the bed and hugs him.  The poor boy is traumatized for life. 

Corey Protects His Dad: The police arrive.  Judy complains that the intruder tore up her "Teen Hunk" magazines, but Jesse points out that he destroyed all their stuff, and angry-kicks.

Aimee-Leigh says that they have no idea who did it, but "a lot of people don't like us." Ok, now I see the point of the parking-lot debacle: to make the Gemstones think that someone besides Cobb trashed their house.  

Corey is sitting at the dining room table by himself, staring into space. Lori asks if he's ok.  He lies and says that Cobb had car trouble, so they gave him a jump.  Won't that story fall apart if they ask Jesse and Amber?  

The Devil's Piss: In the study, Jesse helps himself to a cigar and talks to his Dad about the loss of the Gold-Plated Bible.  

He wonders if Eli and Aimee-Leigh or he and Amber will ever get a divorce.  Nope, Eli assures him, true love is forever: "I'll be with Aimee-Leigh until the day I die." Or until the day she dies.

About the baby's name: Instead of Stallone, Eli suggests Gideon.  His story is in the Book of Judges: he had doubts about following God's commands, but eventually he raised an army, and defeated the Midianites.  The people wanted him to become king, but he refused: "There is no king but God."  Jesse likes the name.  

Aimee-Leigh and Lori inspect the trashed recording studio, and suggest that the intruder  "had the Devil in him."

Back in the study, Jesse helps himself to some bourbon.  Eli strangely waits until he takes a sip to note that the intruder pissed in it.  Call back to Keefe's Episode 4.2 monologue about people drinking the Devil's piss.  Now we know who the Devil is -- unless it's a misdirection.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.5: The dirt on Vance, Big Dick Mitch, Lori, and Teen Jesus. With Gossip GIrl's Dad and a Queen's cock

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.4: Keefe in drag, Pontius with three dicks, Jasper with one, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

Title: "You Shall Remember," from Deuteronomy 8.18: "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant."  The Gemstones have forgotten that God made them rich so they can help people.  Tonight they'll get their comeuppance.  

The Dirt on Vance: Vance Simkins (Stephen Dorff) examines his burnt-out church, fuming, and glares at the Gemstone satellite church across the street.  Cut to a Simpkins Commercial with him and his siblings, Craig and Shay, saying: "Grace.. .Praise... Rejoice..  Salvation."

Vance calls his siblings to his office, but Shay won't come ("she wants nothing to do with you") and Craig (Gogo Lomo David) is just there for his money: their parents' estate put Vance in charge, so he has to depend on hand-outs.  Vance gives him $10,000, and tells him to make it last.

Craig criticizes Vance for running the church into the ground,destroying their parents' legacy.  He keeps trying to open new churches when they're broke, just to compete with the Gemstones: "You can't admit you're beat, can you?"  

Vance protests that he's going to win the Top Christ Following Man Award. 

"You're a straight white man," Craig digs. "Your kind don't get awards anymore. Wait -- are you straight?  Never had a girlfriend, sweetie-pie."  Enraged by the implication, Vance slaps Craig and throws him onto the desk.

Uh-oh, a church deacon saw the attack.  Vance is violent, like Uncle Peter in Season 3 and Lyle Lissons in Season 2....he's the Big Bad of the season!

Vance had some queer codes back in Season 3, when he swished around with that tiny dog.  It would make sense for him to be gay and closeted.

Baby Billy and Kelvin in Decline:  Baby Billy finishes his screenplay about a teenage Jesus and his friends, changes the title from "Teen Jesus" to "Teenjus," and snorts some cocaine.  That's the Belly of the Beast in the Gemstone universe, buddy.

Cut to Kelvin and Keefe rushing through the crowd of queer well-wishers to a party to celebrate his Top Christ Following Man nomination.  Jesse, Amber, and Judy look angry; Eli, Lori, and Gideon look happy.  Abraham looks intrigued; Pontius sneers.  Another of Jesse's kids comes out

They begin partying.  Kelvin joins his siblings to gloat at the big turnout.  Judy sneers: "You're their little gay avatar."  Jesse: "You need to stop smelling your farts."  Translation: He's getting way too conceited about this award thing.

Lori drops by.  They criticize her for having sex with their father.  She promises to lock the door next time, and asks if they can start over and be friends again.  She's known them all their lives.  Nope, "We reject this union."  

Lori: "All y'all little cocksuckers better put on your big boy pants and get the fuck over it."  Hey, that's homophobic, and at a LGBTQ event!  My estimation of Lori dropped 20 points. 

She continues: "I wanted to be y'all's friend, but if you want a wicked stepmother, I can do that, too."  

The siblings interpret "stepmother" to mean that Lori and Eli got married.  They are disgusted. 

Baby Billy is Doomed. Cut to Baby Billy and Tiffany cuddling in a swing, while the Nanny cleans the pool.  He describes their life as idyllic, but it's going to get better.  They'll make a fortune with his new project, Teenjus.

The Nanny notes that she likes teen dramas like Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl.  She would watch it. Baby Billy yells at her.

Left: Matthew Settle, who plays the dad on "Gossip Girl."

 Here he shows his dick.  At least you know it's not a prosthetic

And his backside

Tiffany suggests that Baby Billy retire so he will be around for their children growing up, but he refuses. He's got to seize this opportunity.  "I got to provide for you.  I don't know how much time I got."  Another precursor of doom.

BJ's Injury. BJ tries to make it from the toilet to his wheelchair, but fails and falls into the bathtub. Judy rushes in to help.  He complains that he can't even pee on his own. "I'm broken. I'm half a man."

Judy points out that the doctors say he will have a full recovery, but he won't believe it. When she tries to help him out of the bathtub, he angrily yells at her to go.  

Amber arrives to see how they are doing -- they're both miserable -- and to give Judy service monkey named Dr. Watson.  She works with a charity that trains service monkeys for disabled veterans.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe has sex with the Devil. So does Eli. With a pole dancer's dick and the Groundskeeper's butt

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