Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects cocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty Daniels flirts. With Nick Vardakas, adult toys, and a Peruvian penis

Righteous Gemstones Season 3 was the first that I watched in real time. 

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting butts in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"  

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: Kelvin and Keefe are examining a giant dildo.  Kelvin exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt!"  So he's a bottom, and Keefe is his boyfriend, showing him their new toy.

We pan out to see kids (including Nick Vardakas) examining a pile of adult toys, mostly dildos and butt plugs of various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men.  Notice the "Size Queen" dildo. 

Psych!  Kelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running an anti-sex toy project. Notice the t-shirts, with the name "Smut Busters" over a splatter of...jizz?   They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy.  Wait -- anyone know basic economics?  

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No smut (touch nipples),  no lust (feminine hip wiggle), no coconuts (hands to waist, grimace)." No one joins in.  

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles.  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no butts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

Left: coconuts

This scene has many queer codes: Notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the sex toys they buy are for gay men.  They can't conceive of something used by straight men as erotic: "There's a naked lady on the box.  Keefe, I said sexy, not disgusting!" 

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

Jesse criticizes the Smut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 porno shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dildos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own erotic enjoyment, not to help the church.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber dicks. 

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

The Evil Simpkins:  The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection.  The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).  

Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance.  Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity.  Plus 85% are women.

Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?

The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David).  They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..  

Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot.  Kelvin nods his agreement.  Wait - how out is he?  Dusty, openly bisexual, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks."  Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile."  They flex and posture.

Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me?  In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.  

Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing.  He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.

There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out.  The fortune goes to the Simpkins!

Bonus: From Ayacucho, Peru.

The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son?  Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark. 

In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.

Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her.  But she needs his help.  Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?  

Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule. 

More after the break

Phil of the Future's future: Former Disney Channel teen Raviv Ullman on the Torah, wearing dresses, and his penis

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Joe Davidson: The gladiator, surfer, soap stud, and gator poacher doesn't mind if you check out his d*ck. With bonus Thomas Jane and Takaya butt

In Spartacus: House of Ashur Episode 1.1, Gladiator Logus (Joe Davidson) insults the dwarf trio Brothers Ferox: "My cock stands larger threats!" They promptly eviscerate him.

During the filming, Joe hooked up with (or buddied up with) the probably gay Mikey Thompson (Musicus).  Plus a brief internet search revealed this photo from the soap Neighbours: Joe's character apparently has a boyfriend.

Plus there are no girls and a lot of guys on his social media posts.  That's enough for more extensive research to determine if Joe is gay in real life, has played gay characters, or both.  Hopefully both.  

Born around 1992 or 1993, Joe grew up on Australia's ritzy Gold Coast, around Brisbane, and began on-screen acting in some teen series:

A diver in an episode of H2O: Just Add Water (2010), about three teenager girls who turn into mermaids (with Luke Mitchell as their human ally).

A swimmer in SLIDE (2011): A Melbourne girl moves to Brisbane and finds the requisite allies, crushes, and enemies, including a gay-ish boyfriend.

A surfer boy in Mako Mermaids (2013), with those three teenage mermaids up to new antics.  A merman (Chai Hanson) is added to the cast.

Joe also meets a mermaid while grieving over his dead father in Glass Tunnel (2013).  

Plus he worked at Warner Brothers Movie World, a theme park in Queensland, playing characters like Edward Scissorhands and Fred from Scooby Doo.

After graduating from the "prestigious three-year program" at Actors Central Australia in Sydney, Joe was cast in his first major role, playing Cassius Grady in the soap opera Neighbours (2017-2018).   He appears as a muscular mystery man at a Guy Fawkes Day party on the same night that the evil Hamish Roche is murdered.  Hamish's son Tyler is the chief suspect.

Left: the OMG Blog thinks that this is a photo of Cassius, but Neighbours never had frontal nudity.

Cassius goes on to save Tyler's girlfriend from a capsized boat, start dating her, rescue a kidnapped baby, get a job as a gardener, and finally admit that he was the one who murdered Hamish (gasp) because he is the evil guy's long-estranged son (double gasp). 

Um...Cassius was straight, buddy. 

Maybe there are some gay roles in his later work?

Stranded (2018): A British soldier is stranded with a lady.  They smooch in the water. 

Abandoned (2018).  What do you think?

Sons of Summer (2023):  A surfer brings his buds on a trip to the Gold Coast town where his dad was murdered, and runs afoul of murderous drug dealers.  He's got a girlfriend.

Anyone But You (2023); Ben (Glen Powell) and Bea don't like each other, but Bea's sister is marrying Ben's friend Pete's sister, and for some reason they have to pretend to be a couple at the wedding.  Joe plays the current boyfriend of Ben's ex girlfriend, who dumps him for Bea's ex-boyfriend. It's based on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, so you've got to expect some partner switching. 

In this scene, Joe shows his butt to demonstrate that he's much hotter than Ben.

He shows his dick, too (after the break).

"28 Years Later: The Bone Temple": A cured zombie, the Devil's son, a Jimmy cult, musclemen, dongs, and 8 gay actors.

 

We just saw 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026), the sequel to 28 Years Later, with 14-year old Spike (Alfie Williams) swept away from his island haven into a mainland Scotland ravaged by a zombie apocalypse.  He unwillingly joins a cult run by Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal (Josh O'Connor), who fancies himself the son of Old Nick.  His Satanic Majesty has given Sir Jimmy the task of roaming his countryside and eliminating the remaining humans.  After torturing them, of course.

Very graphic torture. He begins by forcing Spike into a fight-to-the-death with Jimmy Shite (all of the followers wear blond wigs and are named Jimmy, after early 2000s tv personality Jimmy Saville).  Spike wins by stabbing him in the thigh; the others laugh and jeer as blood spurts out like a fountain.

Then the Jimmies invade a farmhouse, string up the occupants in a barn, and skin them alive.  But a woman who escaped returns, sets the barn on fire, and we see people burning to death.

Meanwhile Dr. Kelson (Ralph Fiennes), who is building the Bone Temple as a monument to the dead, pacifies the gigantic zombie Samson (Chi Parry-Lewis) with morphine and befriends him.  They even dance together.  The gay subtext is so overt that one suspects that it's intentional.  Finally Kelson figures a way to restore Samson to sentience with anti-psychotic drugs.

Spoiler Alert: The Jimmies stumble upon Dr. Kelson, and seeing him surrounded by bones, red in color, and dancing with a demon, assume that he is Old Nick.  Sir Jimmy soon discovers that he is not, but insists that he pretend to be, so he won't lose face with his followers.  So Kelson puts on a sound-and-fire show to Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast."  He's about to let them leave, but he sees Spike as a Jimmy hostage, and changes his mind: in the old order, God sacrificed his son, so Old Nick wants the same.  Sir Jimmy is crucified upside down.

Bone Temple was definitely made with an eye for masculine beauty.  There are several shirtless musclemen.  Chi-Lewis Parry's prosthetic penis is much more visible, and in some scenes his incredibly muscular body is not covered with muck.

We see some other penises, including Dr. Kelson's (but to be fair, name one of Ralph Fiennes's movies where he doesn't show his dick).

I was worried that Spike would get a girlfriend.  He bonds with a girl, but she is much older, and treats him as a little brother or son rather than a potential boyfriend.

In fact, there is no hetero-romance anywhere, among anyone, except when we get a close-up of a photo of Dr. Kelson's long-dead wife, to heterosexualize him.

And so many of the Jimmies are played by gay actors that one suspects a deliberate casting decision

The Jimmies:

Jack O'Connell as Sir Jimmy Crystal.  Straight, but has played gay men several times.

More after the break