Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You." Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because word on the street is that this season gets very dark.
Rogers County Fair, 2000: The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting butts in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry? What are we going to do next, sell beer? At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!
Eli and Aimee-Leigh's three kids look very young, but according to the fan wiki, Jesse is 19, Judy is 15, and Kelvin is 9 or 10.
While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family." She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May!
Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season. First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement. Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp! His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"
A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer. She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again. Uh-oh, marital trouble.
Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: someone named Keefe is showing the youngest son, 32 or 33 -year old Kelvin, a giant novelty dildio. He exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt!" So he's abottom, and Keefe is his boyfriend, showing him their new toy.
We pan out to see kids examining a pile of s ex toys, mostly dildos and butt plugs of various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men. Notice the "Size Queen" dildo.
Psych! Kelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running an anti-sex toy project. I guess: notice the t-shirts, with the name "Smut Busters" over a splatter of...jizz? They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy. Wait -- anyone know basic economics?
The youth group kids, also in Smut Busters t-shirts, are just examining the latest haul. Do they take the kids to the adult stores? They wouldn't be allowed inside. Besides, "exposing children to sex" is a misdemeanor.
They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No smut (touch nipples), no lust (feminine hip wiggle), no coconuts (hands to waist, grimace)." No one joins in.
After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles. It was chosen for its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no butts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).
Left: coconuts
Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I conclude that they are a gay couple: notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the sex toys they buy are for gay men. They can't conceive of something used by straight men as erotic: "There's a naked lady on the box. Keefe, I said sexy, not disgusting!"
So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming
Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together.
How closeted are Kelvin and Keefe? They are presented as the equivalent of the other couples, Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ; Jesse even refers to them as a unit. Plus Kelvin displays some feminine traits that anyone would pick up on instantly. Maybe they are out to the family, but closeted to the church.
Jesse criticizes the Smut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church. Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 porno shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dildos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own erotic enjoyment, not to help the church.
Geography alert: The I-95 corridor runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston. That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber dicks.
Next on the agenda: A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church. But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead. Uh-oh, the church can't afford to lose this!
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The Evil Simpkins: The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection. The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).
Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance. Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity. Plus 85% are women.
Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?
The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones. They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..
Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot. Kelvin nods his agreement. Wait - how out is he? Dusty, openly bisexual, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks." Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile." They flex and posture.
Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me? In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.
Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing. He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.
There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out. The fortune goes to the Simpkins!
Bonus: From Ayacucho, which I thought was in Brazil. It's actually in Peru.
The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son? Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark.
In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.
Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her. But she needs his help. Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?
Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule.
More after the break
Marital Squabbles: A commercial: after a montage of heterosexual couples arguing and then being deliriously happy, Amber introduces her System (stupid name): for $500, you get a jar and some beads. Or go to Wal-Mart and buy the set-up for $10.
She doesn't explain how to use them, just "if your marriage is important to you," you need the System.
Cut to some marital problems. First, Judy's husband BJ is at the Gemstone Welcome Center, talking to a group of potential church members about how to get their tithes automatically deducted from their bank accounts. Judy, feeling guilty about withholding sex, brings him some gifts and tells him what a great husband he is, BJ thinks that things are a little off in their marriage, but Judy gaslights him: "Things are fine. Why are you being weird?" Check out his hot-pink ruffled outfit, part of the ongoing joke that couple is gender-transgressive, with Judy as the masculine partner, and BJ the feminine.
Next, Jesse drops Kelvin and Keefe's house. Keefe is melting down some weird phallic objects on the grill in the back yard. When he asks what they are burning, Kelvin, morosely lying on the diving board of the pool, responds "Devils' objects."
Why is he morose? The last we saw of him was at Dusty Daniels' racetrack. But this scene is coming directly after the Judy/BJ marital problem scene, and since the two relationships usually appear in tandum, we have to conclude that we just missed a "Things are fine. Why are you being so weird?" conversation.
There is a nude woman on the urn pedestal next to them. Apparently Kelvin and Keefe are too closeted for back yard sculptures with nude men.
Keefe is wearing a BDSM fetish outfit: several chokers, a slave collar with padlock, a vinyl top with built-in pecs and abs, and vinyl pants (I think). This again suggests that something has gone wrong. He wanted "cuddling," but Kelvin refused, ordering him to burn some sex toys instead -- destroy some penises?
Notice that while Kelvin and Jesse are discussing their anxiety over leading the church, Keefe grabs a toy to use for anal sex from the pile, tries to hide it, and brings it into the house.
Aha! Kelvin is specifically refusing to take the passive role in anal sex. The random butts in the illustrations demonstrate Keefe's main erotic interest.
Many gay men consider oral and other non-insertive acts trivial, used for recreation or to alleviate sexual tension. Even a straight guy will go down on a buddy to "help him out." But anal is "real sex," "going all the way." Kelvin is refusing "real sex." Why?
We cut to the reason Judy has been withholding sex with BJ: she is having an affair with her guitarist, Stephen (Stephen Schneider, below).
Trigger alert: they engage in a quasi-sexual act to disgusting to describe here.
Since the couples' stories are usually parallel, viewers may conclude that Kelvin, too, is having an affair. Actually, he is not -- yet. Then why is he withholding sex?
Unless you are asexual and work something out, romantic partners must balance eros and phileo. Eros, sexual desire, leads to that intimacy, intensity, and passion that keeps the couple focused on each other. Phileo, friendship, keeps the couple focused on the outside world, leading to discussions of art, music, or sports, placing them in a friendship group, a family, and a society.
Last season Kelvin tried to eliminating the phileo, being all about sex. Every word, every image evoked the homoerotic. His physique, butt, and bulge were constantly on display, presenting him as the Messiah of Muscle, leading his followers to a paradise of masculine beauty. Until it didn't work: you can't build a society, or a romantic relationship, on sex alone.
This season he seems to be eliminating the eros, withholding sex, or maybe permitting "fooling around" only -- no smut, no lust, no coconuts. We see no pecs, no butt, no bulge this season -- not until Episode 3.8, when he realizes that this won't work, either. The problem is, a romance without physical intimacy looks and feels very much like a platonic friendship, until eventually you wonder if you are really in love at all.
The Church of the Wilderness: Eli visits May-May at the Church of the Wilderness, where her husband Peter used to hold Pentecostal-type snake-handling services. She explains that she's living there now. After Peter "went away," the bank took the house, and her sons turned "mean, bitter." Now Peter is out, and they've joined him, doing something illegal, maybe stockpiling guns or drugs.
Big reveal: May-May is Eli's younger sister! (Actually, she appears in Episode 2.1, a flashback to 1968, but who remembers?). He promises to help the boys.
Background note: The Church in the Wilderness is probably a reflection of the hymn "The Church in the Wildwood," written by William S. Pitts in 1857, and recorded by several country-western singers, including Dolly Parton.
There's a church in the valley by the wildwood
No lovelier spot in the dale
No place is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale
The "Little Brown Church" in Nashua, Iowa, built in response to the song, is still a tourist attraction. They no longer hold regular services, but you can get married there -- gay couples included.
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Cocks and Penis Pumps: As with Episode 2.1, we conclude with four interspliced scenes.
As Jesse prayers for victory over "those who would destroy us." Judy comes home after the siblings discover her secret affair and finds BJ working out with a video game. She takes off the visor and kisses him.
After his visit, Eli drives away from the Church in the Wilderness. May-May watches, grimacing.
Jesse sends Matthew and Chad, members of his crew, to pretend to get into a fender-bender with Vance Simkins, then beat him up.
And Kelvin's Smut Busters invade a sex shop with a new tactic, yelling "Shut it down!", knocking over merchandise, and assaulting customers, their violence effectively juxtaposed with Matthew and Chad's.
Again, the stock is almost entirely for gay men. The three customers we see are all buying dildos. Notice the gigantic boxes labeled COCK!, with a man using the dildo as a strap-on, and the Bathmate, a penis pump. There are no pink frilly things or naked ladies on covers. The staging quite deliberately displays what gay men think smut is like.
While the others are occupied, Keefe sneaks over and steals a single-use packet of lube. He needs something to use with his anal toy. Apparently he expects the drought to be temporary, or he would steal the entire jar.
The four conflicts of the season have come together. The end.
See also
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