Gemstones Episode 3.3: A Fire dance, a limp wrist, a phallic sword, and Balkan muscle gods. Plus Kelvin tries to say the word.

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Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects cocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty Daniels flirts. With Nick Vardakas, adult toys, and a Peruvian penis

Righteous Gemstones Season 3 was the first that I watched in real time. 

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting butts in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"  

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: Kelvin and Keefe are examining a giant dildo.  Kelvin exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt!"  So he's a bottom, and Keefe is his boyfriend, showing him their new toy.

We pan out to see kids (including Nick Vardakas) examining a pile of adult toys, mostly dildos and butt plugs of various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men.  Notice the "Size Queen" dildo. 

Psych!  Kelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running an anti-sex toy project. Notice the t-shirts, with the name "Smut Busters" over a splatter of...jizz?   They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy.  Wait -- anyone know basic economics?  

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No smut (touch nipples),  no lust (feminine hip wiggle), no coconuts (hands to waist, grimace)." No one joins in.  

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles.  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no butts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

Left: coconuts

This scene has many queer codes: Notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the sex toys they buy are for gay men.  They can't conceive of something used by straight men as erotic: "There's a naked lady on the box.  Keefe, I said sexy, not disgusting!" 

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

Jesse criticizes the Smut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 porno shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dildos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own erotic enjoyment, not to help the church.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber dicks. 

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

The Evil Simpkins:  The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection.  The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).  

Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance.  Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity.  Plus 85% are women.

Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?

The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David).  They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..  

Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot.  Kelvin nods his agreement.  Wait - how out is he?  Dusty, openly bisexual, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks."  Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile."  They flex and posture.

Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me?  In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.  

Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing.  He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.

There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out.  The fortune goes to the Simpkins!

Bonus: From Ayacucho, Peru.

The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son?  Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark. 

In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.

Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her.  But she needs his help.  Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?  

Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule. 

More after the break

Joel Rush's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Why does everybody else in his movies get naked?

 

It's difficult to research Joel Rush: no instagram or personal website, only a minimal Facebook page, a Twitter page that hasn't been updated since 2012, a wikipedia page that just tells us that he was born in Logansport, Indiana on August 26, 1981, worked as a software salesman in Tampa, did some modeling, and broke into acting after being runner-up on the reality show True Beauty in 2009.  

He's been in several gay-themed movies, including Eating Out: Drama Camp, Eating Out: The Open Weekend, and Love or Whatever, but I can't tell if he's gay in real life. True Beauty judged your inner beauty; it didn't hook you up with a romantic partner.

I noticed something else unusual about Joel: he's been in a number of movies and tv shows where other guys got naked, but he did not.

In Eating Out: Drama Camp, we see Aaron Milo's cock and Ronnie Krell's butt, but Joel just takes his shirt off.

In Eating Out: Open Weekend, we see Michael Vera's butt and Alvaro Orlando's dick, but no Joel.

In Love or Whatever, Corey, played by Tyler Poelle, is distraught when his boyfriend John, played by David Page, dumps him.  They get naked, but new romance Joel Rush does not.

We do get a butt  in the anthology series Femme Fatales, but Jon Fleming gives us the Full Monte.

More Joel after the break. Caution: Explicit

Kelvin and Keefe have sex, so why can't they kiss?

  

I admit, I'm obsessed with the relationship between Kelvin and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, about a family of rich, famous, glitzy televangelists (Season 2 ended in February 2022, but I just signed up for HBO Max, so I just watched.  Season 3 will drop this summer.)

Kelvin (Adam DeVine) is the youngest son, a muscle enthusiast, generally responsible for the youth ministry at the anchor church.  Keefe (Tony Cavalero) is his sweet , slightly-muddled mansion-mate, a former Satanist whom Kelvin saved.  I read reddits and reviews and interviews, watch youtube clips, re-watch episodes, accumulating evidence that they are gay and romantic partners:

Season 1:

1. Neither express any heterosexual interest, nor does anyone ever suggest that they should.  If an event calls for a date, Kelvin always brings Keefe.  

Keefe states that he "never dated (girls) much, saw no need to," and that "Baywatch didn't affect me."  At the Satanist Club, he recoils in literal disgust at the sight of a naked lady (you can see him saying "Ewwww"), but naked men are fine.

2. Keefe used to dance naked in a cage at the Satanist Club.

3. They break up after an argument, and Keefe returns to the Satanist Club.  He is heartily greeted and hugged, but only by men.

4. Kelvin is distraught.  One of the teens surmises that he is upset about his "boyfriend," and helpfully uses social media to find out where Keefe is.  Kelvin stutters: "No...um...we're not gay...we're just two guys who like to hang out...and stuff."  Maybe he didn't want to come out to a teenager? 

5. But he rushes to save Keefe from the Satanists, and finds him in a sensory deprivation tank (with a probably prosthetic arousal).  He jumps in, pulls out the wires, and hugs and holds Keefe, crying, kissing his forehead.  Keefe: "Hold me."  Kelvin: "Hush!  I'm here now."  

Season 2:

6. After an assassination attempt, the family gathers in a safe house.  Kelvin and Keefe are shown running toward the house, holding hands.

7. While Kelvin completes a cross-raising challenge, Keefe is kneeling in prayer.  Kelvin offers him a hand to raise him to his feet, and they hug and press foreheads together.  I am particularly interested in the moment where Keefe changes position to hug Kelvin more tightly.  They should be kissing, but they aren't.

8. The Patriarch Eli (John Goodman)  is shot.  After his recuperation, he thanks "Kelvin and Queef" for administering his physical therapy.  This has proven to him that they are not just goofballs, but assets to the family.  Thus recognizing Keefe as Kelvin's partner?

9. Kelvin has his hands broken, so Keefe has to help him dress.  He stares at Kelvin's naked body, then kneels directly in front of him, in blow-job position. 

Kelvin groans, grimaces, throws back his head, then relaxes and caresses Keefe's hair. Keefe says "Nice!".   Did they just have sex?  There is no other logical reason for Kelvin's reaction, or for Keefe's "Nice!"  Still, the scene lasts for only a second or two, so either there was a time lapse, or Kelvin really, really enjoys putting on his underwear.

As he finishes dressing Kelvin, Keefe nose-boops him (playfully pokes his nose).  According to internet research, a nose-boop is a "substitute for a kiss."

Keefe then hugs him from behind to put on his belt.  Wouldn't it be easier from the front?  But I guess Keefe has already done things with that side.

10. They talk with their faces inches apart.  No one talks that way, not even lovers, unless they are planning to kiss.

11. In the first season, Keefe asked to join the family for their traditional Sunday dinner.  Kelvin said "No, it's just for family."  Now he joins them.  No one questions this.  

The other couples hold hands in slow motion on their way to the dinner; Kelvin holds out his hand, and Keefe cups it.   Keefe looks embarrassed, as if he's not sure how the family will react; Kelvin looks defiant, daring someone to make an issue of it.

12. Patriarch Eli announces a "just for family" vacation at the opening of a new Christian-themed resort.  Apprised that Joe Jonas, the former Disney boy band star, will be there, Kelvin gets excited, nudges Keefe, and exclaims "We're going!"  No one questions that "just for family" now includes Keefe.

13. In church, the three Gemstones are performing "My love for you will never die," and Kelvin points directly at Keefe.  As Keefe sings, he points directly at Kelvin.  No one else uses this gesture.

14. Anytime the family is together with their partners, the camera pans to the eldest son with his wife, the daughter with her husband, and then Kelvin and Keefe.

15. Kelvin hires a "God Squad" of musclemen, who don't seem to do anything at the church.  They spend their time lounging around shirtless on the compound, lifting weights and flexing.  Which is, apparently, what Kelvin wants them to do.

16. On his instagram, Tony Cavalero posts fan art about the two being a couple, and states that he's played John Goodman's son-in-law twice (actually he's dating Dan's granddaughter on The Connors).  And this: "Hold on tight to the one you love the most for the Premiere of The Righteous Gemstones"

So the actors are portraying Kelvin and Keefe as a romantic couple.  Everyone on the show, without exception, assumes that they are a couple.  They hold hands.  They nose-boop.  They have oral sex.  Why not just let them kiss?

Three possibilities:

1. Satire.  Evangelical Christians go to great lengths to sublimate or deny their same-sex interests, so maybe Kelvin and Keefe just aren't ready to admit that they are in love, in spite of their obvious, even over-the-top displays of affection.  This seems unlikely, since several family members have indicated that they are fine with gay people, and everyone already treats them as a couple.  I'm sure that an official coming out would be unnecessary.  "Keefe and I are boyfriends."  "No shit, Sherlock, I've known that ever since he moved in to your mansion."

2. Queer Baiting.  TV Shows often portray two guys as boyfriends in everything but the kissing, so they can back down at the last minute and say "Fooled you!  They're really straight."  This seems unlikely, since the hints go beyond mere hinting to basically shouting.  Their entire story arc is about their romance. If you watched a Season 2 episode without seeing Season 1, you'd assume that they had already been identified as a gay couple..

3. Deniability.  Although The Righteous Gemstones is a satire of evangelical Christian culture, it is immersed in that culture, and so draws a lot of evangelical viewers who believe that God hates gay people.  No kissing means that they can keep telling themselves "Kelvin and Keefe can't be gay.  They are Christians."