"Cucumber": Lots of cucumbers on display as gay life in Manchester gets increasingly dark.

 

Cucumber, on Amazon Prime, is like gay Revenge, with plot twists, hidden agendas, and people who are not what they seem.  It starts out as a comedy, but turns darker and darker.  The nonsensical title, by the way, comes from a measure of erectile hardness, from tofu (semi-soft) to cucumber (rigid).  

Instead of scene-by-scene, I'm going to summarize the various cocksploits and tearjerks.

1. Middle-aged Manchester insurance salesman Henry (Vincent Franklin) gets angry when his boyfriend Lance (Cyril Nri, top photo) brings an anonymous guy, left, home for a three-way.  Maybe if you'd asked first, and waited for him instead of just going down?

Henry calls the police and has the two arrested (on what charge? consensual sexual acts are legal in Britain.), 

2. Henry moves out and seeks refuge with a twink couple from work, Dean and Freddie (Fisayo Akinade, Freddie Fox, left).  And starts flirting with Freddie!  Wait -- you get all huffy when your boyfriend wants an open relationship, but it's ok for the twinks?

Freddie the Twink says "No, thank you, we're monogamous."

3. Henry is upset because Freddie the Twink rejected him, but then goes out and hooks up with another old guy, Cliff (Con O'Neill).

4. Meanwhile Ex-Boyfriend Lance tries to hook up with Straight Guy Daniel (James Murray, left).  He refuses: "Sorry, I'm straight."

5. Henry's Sister and her hot teenage son Adam (Ceallach Spellman, right) arrive to stay forever. Henry decides to make some extra money filming his nephew having sex with other guys.

Meanwhile Ex-Boyfriend Lance empties the joint checking account. Never leave much in that joint checking account, buddy. One tiff, and it's gone.



More cucumbers after the break

"Pretty Dudes": Gay Asian erasure, Spiderman, a car hookup, and hamburger sex. All in11 minutes. With some pretty nude dudes

 I wanted to know how Carlin James, who is apparently straight, got cast on  Pretty Dudes, a webseries about a group of  gay guys sharing a house in West Hollywood and negotiating life, love, sex, and race.  He appears as CJ in four episodes.

Now the craziness begins. Amazon Prime lists 21 episodes, the IMDB 29, and Wikipedia 39, with different numbering and chronological order. Some titles appear in just one list. Some have been repackaged into other projects. You'll need an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of them all. 

But unless the titles have changed, only one of Carlin's episodes is streaming on Amazon Prime: 1.9, "All American Type."

Above photo: A show about gay guys, and the actors; nude photos are stuck behind paywalls.  So I just googled "Gay Asian actor"

Scene 1:  Hustler Jay (Tae Song) and photographer Zario (Brian Michael Nunez) are playing video games when a shirtless Spiderman approaches, announcing that he has super powers now, and can protect the queens.  How special, girlfriend.

Scene 2: Flashback to the day before. We hear Elijah (Carlin James) saying: "This is going to taste so good in my mouth.  I can't wait to shove it in there."  Psych!  He's talking about a hamburger.  Not a hot dog?

Gregory  (Leo Lam, left) enters from the kitchen and, annoyed, tells him to just eat it, but he continues making sexy sounds.  Wait --according to his page on the IMDB, Carlin plays CJ, but according to the tv series page...heck with it. 

Scene 3: Reality tv confessional room.  Model Sunji  (Yoshi Sudarno, left) confesses that he doesn't understand photographer Zario because he doesn't act gay.  But he'snot normal, so Sunji just tries to be a good friend.

Cut to photographer Zario getting ready for his first job "since the breakup," filming a podcast hosted by artist Kito (Chance Calloway). 

In 2024, Chance published Anatomical Iconography, featuring the Pretty Dudes paying homage to classic male nude art.  It sells for $43 on Amazon.  I had no idea the show as so popular.  How do fans figure out the episode confusion?

Scene 4: Model Sunji cooking shirtless.  He sees a spider and freaks out. 

More after the break

Ricardo Gomez: Three gay roles, a gay actor, and some dicks, but is there anything to watch?

While researching that other Brandon Johnson, I came across Ricardo Gómez kissing a guy. Plus he had a lot of nude photos online.  So I went through his work on the IMDB to find something available in the U.S., with gay content, and not awful.

His first work available in the U.S. is the tv series Unauthorized Living, Spanish Vivir sin permiso, 2018. A drug lord with a respectable businessman facade is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and has to decide which of his kids will take over the business before everything goes dark.  Nope.

Bringing Him Back, Spanish Mia & Moi, 2021.  The IMDB synopsis says that the siblings Moi and Mia move to the countryside after their mother dies, but the TLA synopsis says that Moi brings his boyfriend home to meet his sister.  Looks like somebody wanted the movie closeted. 

But "a deeply affecting film about love, loss, and human connection"?  Nope.  I don't care if we do see sister's boyfriend Joe Manjon's man-jon.

And his man-rear.  And Ricardo's bulge.

More the Merrier, Spanish Donde caben dos, 2021: "A diverse group of people share a night of sexual self-discovery." A comedy con final feliz -- a happy ending. 

The trailer shows a lot of people being shocked by two girls kissing and an old guy in his underwear. Also a man licks a shoe, a man puts his hand on his buddy's chest but is rebuffed, a guy puts his dong through a glory-hole but doesn't get any action, and there's a jockstrap band. 

More Ricardo after the break

"The Fosters": Twelve hunks and hunkoids, all grown up. With a few grown-up dicks

The Fosters (2013-2018) was a groundbreaking drama on ABC Family, now on Netflix, about a lesbian couple (Stef and Lena) with five children, biological, adopted, and foster (Brandon, Jesus, Jude, Callie, Mariana). The Fosters have foster children, har har 

But it wasn't all sunlight and diversity. Actually, it wasn't sunlight at all. I never watched -- I don't do tragedy -- but the episode synopses sound grim. There were drinking problems, psychological problems, incurable diseases, deaths, homophobic hate crimes, custody battles...like a live-action Howard Cruse comic.   But for many viewers, the remarkably open gay content was worth being depressed.

Besides, there are endless teenage boys with their shirts off to draw in the gay boys and straight girls. I'm checking to see if there were any adult hunks in the crowd, or if any of Fosters Fave Raves have grown up.

1. David Lambert:  Brandon, the oldest son in the family. an aspiring pianist whose dreams are dashed when an injury paralyzes his hand.  He also becomes the victim of statutory rape by hooking up with his father's girlfriend.

The adult Lambert shows his butt while sexing a girl in The Lifeguard.

2. Danny Nucci: Mike, Brandon's biological father, a cop who has a drinking problem, shot an unarmed suspect, and has a girlfriend who hooks up with Brandon.

Nucci butt

3. Tom Williamson: AJ, Mike's foster son.  When does Mike find the time to be a foster parent?

4. Jake T. Austin: Jesus, the second son, who has Attention-Deficit Disorder.

5. Brandon Quinn: Gabe, Jesus' biological father, who didn't tell Jesus because he didn't want the boy to know he's a registered sex offender.

6. Hadyn Byerly: Jude, the youngest son, who becomes mute in angst over coming out as gay (with lesbian parents?), but eventually learns to accept himself and starts dating, with probably the youngest same-sex kiss on television.







More bulges and bods after the break.  Warning: explicit.

"Down Low": Netflix bait-and-switch movie that turns a gay hookup into something dark. With Simon Rex's dick.

 

Down Low, on Netflix (2023). "An overeager massage therapist guides a client with repression through his first queer encounter, but their hookup has a less-than-happy ending." 

A downlow guy lives as a "family man" who has achieved the entire heterosexual trajectory of house, job, wife, and kids, but has sex with men secretly.  Unless "donw low" means something else here.

So the family man tells the masseuse that he likes guys, so she hooks him up, and things go south?  Sounds interesting.  But before I jump in, I always conduct some research, to avoid nasty surprises.

WTF?  This plot synopsis on wikipedia sounds like a completely different movie!  There are like a dozen nasty surprises, any one of which would have me "noping" out of there.  

Zachary Quinto stars as "family man" Gary.  I've seen Zachary Quinto in Star Trek, American Horror Story, and The Boys in the Band. Something about his smug, weasly expression grates on my nerves.  Nope #1

He's not on the downlow at all.  He is dying of a brain tumor. Nope #2: no movies about people who are dying of incurable diseases.  Why would anyone ever want to see a movie like that?  How could anyone stand to act in it?  Or write the script?

When he discovers that he is dying, Gary decides to come out, whereupon his wife dumps him.  Not a nope, but really homophobic of the lady to dump him just because he's gay.

The massage therapist is actually a hustler, Cameron (Lukas Gage).  Maybe they do massage too.  This promotional still makes him look like a trans woman, but in the synopsis, the character is always described with he/him pronouns.  Maybe it's a misdirection, so viewers will think that Gary is hooking up with a lady.    

The Hustler uses a dating app to find Gary a hookup  (Sebastian Arroyo).  Wait -- why not just have sex with him yourself?  That's what you're being paid for.

Unfortunately, the hookup does not find Gary attractive enough to screw.  Everyone argues, and he is accidentally killed Nope #3: the abrupt death of a major character. 

Gary and the Hustler hire a Necrophiliac (Simon Rex) to have sex with and then dispose of the Corpse. Nope #4: it's never really come up before, but necrophilia is a big nope.

Due to plot complications, the Necrophiliac can't do his job until the next day, so they spend the night mopping up the blood and smoking crack.  Nope #5: amoral major characters aren't a major "nope," but if I'm already annoyed from watching Zachary Quinto... 

By that time, the Corpse has come back to life and is trying to get away.  The necrophiliac kills him again, and then Gary and the Hustler kill the Necrophiliac.  Nopes #6-7: too many people killing each other too eagerly.  This is definitely not a comedy.

Then they have sex with each other.  You could have just done that at the start, and avoided the multiple murders.  

Later, after Gary dies, the Hustler shows up at his funeral, yells at the ex-wife and the church that abandoned him when he came out, and steals the body.  He dumps it in the lake, which he thinks is a better memorial. Nope #8: portraying gay people as perpetual outsiders, rejected by church and family.  Not really a nope, but way homophobic.

Moral: Always read more than one plot synopsis or watch more than one trailer.  They often make completely contradictory claims.  Remember when Road to Terabinthia was advertised as a fantasy like Harry Potter or The Chronicles of Narnia?  It's about a girl who is dying.

Down Low is not about a guy in the downlow.  It's about a guy who is dying. 

Bonus bulge and dick pics after the break.  Warning: explicit.

The Lake Episode 1.4: Sleazy mayorJerry O'Connell wants a three-way with Justin and his date. What's a gay guy to do?

 

I already reviewed the first episode of The Lake, a comedy about a gay guy who returns to the Lake where he spent summers during his childhood, with plots about bonding with the teenage daughter he never met and trying to save his grandfather's beloved cabin.  I want to review Episode 4 because: it features a gay three-way with 1990s heartthrob Jerry O'Connell

Scene 1: Everyone is cheering at the junior lifeguard trials. Justin (Jordan Gavaris, left) and his Daughter watch from a distance and make fun of them.  But they're only being slightly sarcastic today, because they have won a victory: the board voted against the Evil Maisy's scheme to renovate (that is, tear down) the cottage Justin visited in as a child -- he never actually lived there, but he is desperate to keep it the way it was, a sort of anchor to his past.  Most of the plot arcs involve Jason trying to keep the cottage out of Evil Maisy's clutches.  

Speak of the Devil: Evil Maisy drops by to introduce Jason to Gil the Thrill (Jerry O'Connell), who  is running for Mayor.  Gloating, Evil Maisy notes that the Mayor can re-classify the cottage as a farmhouse, which doesn't need Board approval to be...torn down!  

To make matter's worse, he's hot for Jason!  Dude, maybe you could convince him to not-reclassify the cottage by getting on your knees? No, not to beg.

Scene 2: By the way, Daughter's Crush (Jared Scott), who also happens to be Evil Maisy's son, won the lifeguard contest.  The first Chinese-Canadian Junior Lifeguard in Lake history!  He gets his sash and the keys to the legendary Boathouse while Mom, Dad, and his brother Opal (Declan Whaley) watch.  No, Opal is not trans, or nonbinary.  He's a femme gay boy.  

After the boys leave to hang out with Justin's Daughter, Evil Maisy and her Semi-Evil Husband (Terry Chen, left) discuss the evil scheme.  "Remember, Dear, this is Justin's fault.  He sabotaged my previous play to destroy his childhood memories, mwah-ha-ha, so, so stay frosty."

Scene 3: Justin is going through withdrawal from junk food due to Daughter's health consciousness, so he runs into the Tuck Shop, sneaks behind the counter, and grabs some chips. Manager Riley (Travis Nelson, below) appears. Beep! Gil the Thrill (mayoral candidate Jerry O'Connell) is contacing them both on Grindr.  Nice chest, and he's into three-ways, but he's in cahoots with Evil Maisy!  

Scene 4: Cut to Daughter and her Crush discussing the evil scheme.  Even though he's Evil Maisy's son, Crush wants to keep the cabin, for a reason too complicated (and gross) to explain. 

After Crush leaves, Scandinavian Hippie Ulrika comes in with a fish to be tested for herpes.  A big deal --if it tests positive, they have to close down the lake for weeks-- no boating, swimming, waterskiing, or construction.  Hmm -- Daughter has a idea.

Scene 5: Justin talks to Jayne, apparently his only Ally in the cabin plot.  She is upset because Daugher's Crush won Junior Lifeguard instead of her own daughters. "Grr...Evil Maisy and her family ruin every.  The next time I see hre, I'm going to tell her...."  Whoops, at that moment Gil the Thrill appears. "...how excited I am about her cook-out tonight.  I'm bringing crab cakes."

When she leaves, Gil gets down to business: is Justin into hooking up, or what?  "No way -- you're on Evil Maisy's team, trying to destroy my childhood memories!"  But, he says, he might change his mind about the issue while Justin is on his knees. Hey, that's sexual coercion! I know, I thought of it first. 

:"Thanks, but I have a date with Riley tonight." "Bring him along, and it's a done deal.  I'll stick it to Evil Maisy after I stick it to you."

More sticking after the break

Looking: Gay dudebros look for love and sex, with countless directorial tricks and some nudity

(Apparently the "sensitive content" tag was just some homophobe complaining about gay content, so I've put the nudity and word "gay" back into this review)

Looking. on MAX (2014-15), is a gay-themed comedy-drama about a group of 30-ish gay men looking for love and sex in San Francisco.  I lived in San Francisco for two years, so maybe I can get some nostalgia going on: let's review Episode 1.1

Scene 1: Paddy (Jonathan Groff, below) is meeting a stranger in the  park. The guy refuses kissing or conversation, just starting a hand job. That's it?  What are you, amateurs?  At least get on your knees. Suddenly Paddy's cell phone rings -- he thinks it's his mother, because who else calls these days? -- and he scrams. 

Scene 2: Paddy's friends, Richie (Raul Castillo) and Dom (Murray Bartlett), who drink all the time, praise him for getting a hookup: now he can finally call himself a pervert. They discuss booze on the bus (I never once rode a bus, either. It was Muni, BART, or drive and spend an hour looking for a parking space)

Scene 3: They guys are talking about a bachelor party. I'm rather confused. One of the grooms invited his ex-boyfriend, which is a bad idea, but is Paddy the ex-boyfriend, or are they talking about someone else?  Paddy criticizes Gabe (one of the grooms?) for being too fat, but the others criticize his body-shaming.  They also reference Frank. OMG, introduce your characters!  Dom discusses how much he loves booze; at least he has  a character tag.

 

Scene 4:  Morning. Establishing shot of a quiet San Francisco hill, not Castro Street. Paddy awakens to the sound of two guys having sex in the next room and says "Oh my God."  You got a problem with gay sex homophobe?

The two guys (who may be Dom and Richie) seem to be giving each other hand jobs (Doesn't anyone in San Francisco do the more usual things?).  But one of them realizes that he's late for an appointment; "This guy might take the room" -- Tara's friend --  so he leaves.  Ok, the guy with the appointment calls his partner "My Little Cuban Sandwich," so he must be Augustin (Frankie Alvarez). 

More plot: the guy with the appointment keeps asking Augustin to move in, but he usually refuses.  He's agreeing today because he "can't afford the City anymore."  Wait -- the establishing shot was the City.  Aren't these the guys who are having sex in Paddy's apartment?

Scene 5: Breakfast. Paddy talking to a guy we can't see, so the big reveal will be a surprise.  He heard the guy and Frank having sex through the wall.  Frank must be the guy with the appointment, played by O.T. Fagbenle.  I assume it's a stage name/

Another guy walks in -- Augustin?  And Paddy was discussing Frank, so who is the guy he is talking to? The camera moves back -- he is talking to an empty chair, or I guess to Augustin when he was still in the other room.  Ok, at least we know that these are the guys having sex in Scene 5, except they think it's Oakland, when it is clearly San Francisco.

Frank calls from the bathroom that he needs a towel, and Paddy mocks him for it.  Yeah, wanting to dry off after a shower, what a loser!  But I guess if you have to criticize everybody all the time, you start grasping at straws fast.

Scene 6: Frank finishes his shower, but he's in another apartment, talking to a woman.  This is probably a Frank lookalike, shown taking a shower to confuse us. He wants to call Ethan but the woman disapproves because Ethan tried to kill him. "He did not!  He just threatend to! Besides, when we were together, you tried to kill me a bunch of times."  Ok, the woman is Frank Lookalike's ex girlfriend.  

Next order of business: the Frank Lookalike is thinking of getting into real estate.  Ex-Girlfriend laughs at him. "You -- somebody like you -- in real estate?  Don't be ridiculous!"  She doesn't explain why it's ridiculous, but I guess everybody just has to mock everything.  "Is there any coffee?"  "What an idiotic question!  Jerk!"  

Scene 7: A guy who wears glasses going to work in a cubicle with a computer. Paddy?  But he looks completely different! His coworker, Owen (Andrew Law), drops by to criticize him.  Seeing that Paddy is on the OK Cupid dating site, he ridicules his choice:  "Wait -- he's a doctor, and you think he'd date an idiot like you? Plus he's a swimmer.  You're too clueless to swim."  He then comes out as straight, with a girlfriend, Bethany. Named characters so far: 10. The Frank Lookalike and his ex have not been named yet, so 12 altogether.

Paddy accepts the date anyway - at the Press Club tonight -- and sends him a winking emoji.  Owen criticizes both the dating venue and the emoji, of course.

Scene 8: Augustin at work, maybe doing set design.  A woman introduces him to Scotty (Tanner Cohen), his assistant for the day. They have fun criticizing the design (aren't you the one who designed it, dude?)

Scene 9: Four suit-types at lunch, complaining that they can't get the wine they got last time.  The waiter recommends something else, "a nice full-bodied red, spicy but easy on the pallete, with notes of fruit and coca" It's so much easier when you don't drink: "Diet Coke, please.  Sure, Pepsi is fine."  

Hey, the waiter is the Frank Lookalike, who wants to go into real estate! He goes to the bar to complain about the suits: "they look like a bunch of filthy dog-f*kers."  Rather harsh, even for a culture where everybody ridicules everything.

Another waiter tries to console him: "Just keep on putting positive energy out into the universe."  When he leaves, Frank Lookalike criticizes him, then asks the bartender for his name.  Bartender: "No. Whenever you sexually harass a new guy, he quits."

Scene 9: Paddy checks his hair in a store window.  A guy inside smiles at him.  He recoils in disgust and moves on to the Polo Club, or whatever it is. His date introduces himself as Benjamin (Matthew Wilkas, left and top photo)  Hey, where are Paddy's friends Richie and Dom from the first scenes?  I thought they were going to be major characters.

Benjamin criticizes Paddy's job in video game development (of course), then asks "are you disease and drug free?"  Is this a date or a physical, Doctor?  But Paddy gets even, criticizing Benjamin's misquoting of Khalil Gibran (a famous poet from the hippie era).  Then he discusses how desperate he is to get laid (bad move, dude).  He was so desperate yesterday that he had a hookup in the park!  Benjamin, looking for romance rather than anonymous encounters, is not pleased.  "This isn't working. Bye!"

Scene 10: Back to Augustin and Scotty flirting while criticizing things.  Wait -- Scotty is flirting with another guy (maybe Augustin's boyfriend Frank)!  They met at Darren and Anthony's Cinco de Mayo party.   They start an encounter right there in the -- stage?  Kissing, and it looks like Augustin is going downtown.

Scene 11:  A guy flirts with Paddy on the bus.  Paddy still has Benjamin's card, so he pretends to be a resident in oncology. The guy introduces himself: Richie, a cosmetologist.  Wait -- then who was Paddy's friend in the first two scenes?

Cut to the Frank Lookalike at work at the fancy restaurant. On his break, he's eating lamb with merguez (lamb sausage).  He offers a bite to a guy off camera, so we'll be surprised by the big reveal -- surprise!  It's Liam, the waiter he criticized/liked earlier. "So, want to grab a drink?" Frank Lookalike asks, "Or we could just go back to your place."  Geez, forward.  Have you spoken two words to this guy?  

Scene 12:  Paddy telling his friend Dom (from scene 1, remember?) that he gave the guy (Richie) the wrong card!  "I was just so angry at that doctor."  Your fault for discussing a public h**kup on a first date. "What about the bus guy?"  "He came on too strong, and he's not my type."  Weren't you desperate to get laid ten minutes ago? 

Paddy heads to the bathroom, and is shocked to see a guy off camera, so we'll be surprised at the big reveal -- someone I don't recognize, but they both agree that it's awkward to be pissing into the same trough. This must be the very late-night bachelor party, and Paddy is the ex-boyfriend.  

Hey, Frank Lookalike is Dom from Scene 1!  He complains that the guy he invited home said no -- the first time that has ever happened. Not true -- the bartender said that Frank Lookalike/Dom tries to have sex with lots of the male waiters, and they always quit.  Paddy complains that he has too many bad  dates. 

Out on the street, after the bachelor party, Paddy looks depressed, and then goes to the club where Richie from the bus works. The end.

Beefcake: Some bare chests.

San Francisco: Some random street scenes.

Number of Characters: Too many to keep track of, and they look different from scene to scene.  And who the heck is the non-Richie in the first scene?  Or was that a time jump?

Update: It was Augustin!  Their photos look alike on the IMDB, and Richie gets second billing, so I figured he must be the second friend.

Talking to Someone Off Camera: A device to be used only occasionally, when the identity of the person will be a big surprise.  Used here all the time.  I'm still mad about Paddy talking to an empty chair, so when Augustin comes in, you think there are three people in the room.

Trick Cuts: Instantaneous cuts between two people doing the same thing, so you think it's the same person. Fooled you, har har.  It's a dirty trick, especially in the first episode where you're trying to keep track of 300 characters.

Criticizing Everything: This was actually fun.  Every time I thought "Such an innocuous statement. They couldn't possibly criticize it," they did!

My Grade:  Not a lot of nostalgia here, and too many tricks. B

Shhh -- I hid some nude guys after the break:

"Tell Me a Story", with lots of bulges, butts, sleazoids and shootings

 

Tell Me a Story (2018-), on CBS and Vudu. "A re-imagining of classic fairy tales":   Well, I've already seen Once Upon a Time, but ok, I'll give it a shot.

Scene 1:  "Three Little Pigs."  Close-up of a bare chest tattooed with the words "Fuck You." belonging to the uber-muscular Pig #1/Eddie (Paul Wesley, left), a low-life drug dealer.  

He is asleep in his underwear in his trailer, showing a nice bulge, when his friend Pig #2/  Mitch (Michael Raymond Jones) drops in. They discuss how much they need money.

Scene 2:  The Pigs' Big Bad Wolf/Jordan (James Wolk), a restauranteur, strips down to take a shower. He's with a girl, but still, bare chest and butt, and I think a bit of his penis. Wow!  They argue over whether to get married or just continue hooking up.

Left: his butt.

Scene 3: "Hansel and Gretel" Gretel/ Gabe (Davi Santos) and his roommate Billy (Luke Guldan, left), discuss their lives as gay strippers, hustlers, and druggies. Ok, they're promoting the negative stereotype that all gay men are sleazoids, but they are promoting the negative stereotype in their underwear.  Muscular physiques, underwear bulges!  Four in a row!  

I've never seen a tv show display so much male skin and so little female.  Just the way I like it.

Scene 4: "Little Red Riding Hood" High schooler Red/Kayla, mourning her dead mother, is smoking marijuana and acting out, so her Dad moves her to small-town Manhattan to get a fresh start.  

More sleazoids after the break

Dream Corps LLC: Mad scientist doctor and his hung assistant solve gay couple's problems through dreams. With Nick Rutherford dick

 

Dream Corps LLC  (2016-2020), on Hulu, is an Adult Swim dark comedy about a run-down medical facility where a bumbling Doctor (Jon Gries, left) and his staff, notably Patient 88 (Nicholas Rutherford, right) solve people's problems through dream therapy.  

I looked up LLC: Limited Liability Company.  No idea what that means, but it sounds like a boring insurance term; not the best name for a show you want people to actually tune in to.  But I'm reviewing Episode 1.3, because it involves a gay couple.

Scene 1:  A run-down storage facility. Technician Randy (Mark Prokbsch, who you may know from What We Do in the Shadows), looks for his vape, with the help of T.E.R.R.Y the robot.  He loses his shirt and his hand.

Left: Jon Gries butt

Scene 2:  The Doctor examines Patient 86, aka Brandon (Geoffrey Arend, left), who has hives due to relationship problems.  His boyfriend is late (Brandon tricked him into coming, saying it was "hot yoga").

Forced to "lick the truth plastic", Brandon, reveals that he gets dressed for the gym, then just sits in his car and drinks lattes, he doesn't have any black friends, and he doesn't know if his boyfriend still loves him. Aha, the crux of the issue!  A brief interview could have told you that without a gross "truth plastic."

Patient 103, AKA Rod (Dan Gill), arrives, angry because "You forgot your man again." 

Scene 3: They need Randy to begin the procedure.  Patient 88 finds him trying to re-attach his hand.  Disgusting!  The magnets he used push the hand into Patient 88's crotch and begin masturbating him. He tells TERRY "This is not what it looks like." Randy: "Yes, it is." 

Patient 88 breaks away, and the hand moves on to masturbate Randy.

Scene 4: In their animated dream, the guys are riding penis-shaped dolphins.  They reach land, and a golden staircase.  The Doctor tries to warn them that they are going the wrong way: the staircase will kill them!  But he was knocked out of the dream.  Patient 88 tries to get him back in.

Scene 5: Uh-oh, he's back in the dream, but fighting the Predator!   Meanwhile, the guys reach the top of the staircase.  It turns into a hot air balloon, with Rod hanging over the side!  He says: "If anything happens to me, I want you to know...." I love you?  No: "This was your idea." Darn!

He falls, apparently to his death!  Brandon screams and sobs. 

More dicks and therapy after the break

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with gay guys and a ranch that needs saving. Plus Neil Patrick Harris's butt

I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason.  The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love.  The twist: Big City is a guy!  It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!

Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC.  Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives.  He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone!  At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay.  Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend? 

"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other."  So they've met?  Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?

 "The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases."  Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude. 

More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado.  10,000 to one he finds love there.

Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt!  If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it

Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below).  She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years.  Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.  

"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks. 

High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so."  Her certainty is another clue.

Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?" 

 "Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?"  Tell him what, Mom?  What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?

"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"  

"What could I say: you guys are both gay?"  The big reveal!   Why all the circumlocution and misdirection?  Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror. 

Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too?  So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.

Scene 3:  Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Wyatt arrives. pulls out his luggage, and grimaces. Yuck, back at the place I found so oppressive as growing up!   Mom hugs him and immediately envisions him having kids. Geez, Lady, wait until he's in the house before pressuring him to get married and have kids. 

Wait -- if Wyatt is gay, what's up with the ex-girlfriend Lindsey?  Mom references them with he/him pronouns -- yep, he was a guy with a girl's name, a misdirection to fool us before the big reveal.  Or Wyatt has a thing for gender-bending names: his High School Girlfriend is named Blake.   

Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going."  Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job.  Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!

Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt.  Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem.  So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?  

At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath (left), misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.  

More misdirection after the break

"Almost Love": Almost good gay-themed comedy about rich people's hook-up problems, plus Scott Evans nude

  1. Why do gay men in movies always live in New York?  

2.Why are they always super-affluent, when in real life they earn on the average 20% less than straight men?

3. Why are their friends all straight women?  When I lived in West Hollywood, you had straight acquaintances who you weren't out to, but friends, never.  

That's just the first three questions I have about Almost Love (2019), a gay-themed comedy about a super-elitist NYC gay guy and his straight female buddies, who have trivial problems.

1.Adam (Scott Evans, top) wants to be a painter, but he's stuck in a dead-end job ghost-painting for the famous-but-nasty Ravella Brewer.  Question 4: why are all gay guys in movies working as lawyers, actors, or artists?   

His boyfriend Marklin (Augustus Prew, bottom) is a famous blogger who is constantly getting fawned over by fans.  They're vaguely unhappy and unfulfilled, but dismiss any suggestion of moving forward in their relationship by getting married, buying a house, and having kids. 

Instead they....gasp...hook up on the side, which this movie portrays as the ultimate in betrayal.  Question 5:  why are all gay guys in movies obsessed with monogamy?  There are a lot of open relationships out there.

Left: Augustus' butt

2. His BFF #1, Elizabeth, is celebrating her 15th anniversary with Damon (Chaz Lamar Shepherd, left) , wondering "Is this all there is?"  Question 6: How are these people friends? Adam is an artist, and Liz never sets foot in a museum, except for the free wi-fi.

3. His BFF #2, Haley, works as a tutor.  This doesn't seem like the sort of job that would get her the big bucks, but she lives in a huge loft with bare brick wall and gigantic paintings.  Her problem: the high school boy she's tutoring, Scott (Christopher Gray), isin love with her. The age of consent in New York is 17, so he's not jail bait, but he is certainly inappropriate.  He threatens to kill himself if she refuses him.  Question 7:in what way is this funny or endearing?

Top photo: a model who pops up when you search for "Christopher Gray nude"

4. His BFF #3, Cammie, is dating Henry (Colin Donnell), perfect in every way -- except it turns out that he's homeless!  Her friends cringe. "You invited a homeless guy into your apartment?  You touched him?  Yuck!  Gross!"  Question 8: how elitist can they get?  Is being homeless a disease?

Beefcake:  None.  Question 9: what is the point of a gay-themed movie with no beefcake? 

Other Sights: New York location shots.

Gay Characters: The guys, a gay rights canvasser, a potential hookup.  

Elitism: Through the roof. Question 10: Why does everyone in this movie look down on people who are poor or Hollywood poor (middle class in the real world)?

My Grade: C.  

Bonus Scott Evans after the break