Getaway or Get away, either "a holiday" or "someone is chasing you!" is a 2024 vanity project, written by, directed by, and starring Nick Frost, who has played the sidekick in several Simon Pegg movies. But it also stars Sebastian Croft of Heartstopper: he plays the closeted boyfriend that Charlie (Joe Locke) has before he starts dating Nick (Kit Connor, below).
Sebastian is "not into labels," but he supports queer causes: his line of Queer Past clothing supports LGBT refugees. So maybe his character will be gay.
Scene 1: Dad Richard (Nick), Mom Susan, teenage son Sam (Sebastian), and teenage daughter Jessie are heading on a holiday (vacation) through Sweden, with Finland as a stand-in. Their destination is the island of Svalta, where in 1824 the islanders quarantined themselves for fear of a deadly flu pandemic. Two and a half years later, when British soldiers checked, most of the islanders had died of starvation, or turned to cannibalism. The soldiers were murdered. Why are the British checking on an island in Sweden?
They mention that it's near Kristianstad in northern Sweden.
Every ten years the islanders commemorate the event with an eight-hour long play, Karantan. Really? Not every year? Jews have yahrzeits to remember their dead loved one every year.
Scene 2: Two Days Until Karantan. They arrive at a horrible cafe at the port. The surly owner snarls and mocks their weird menu requests, like cheese on a hamburger (well, the Ugly Americans didn't even try to speak Swedish. Wait, they're Brits).Like every horror movie ever, he warns them not to go to the island. There are no hotels -- "no worries, we have a B&B" -- and the islanders hate outsiders, especially during Karantan.
Then why is there a ferry several times a day? And why do they have a tourism brochure? Oh, wait, I know why. I've seen "Midsommer" and "The Ritual"
Son and Daughter find a decapitated bird, but that's not a sign or anything. Off they go. Whoops, Dad left his wallet on the bar.
.jpg)
Scene 3: The ferry lady has never heard of outsiders going to Svalta before, and warns that they'll be stuck for three days. Dad goes to fetch his wallet. Why did they bother with the "leaving it" bit?
Left: Nick's dick, actually a stunt cock. Not from this movie.
Cut to the ferry, with islanders glaring like they want to attack. When they dock, a crowd of islanders is staring at them and growling. Finally Commune Leader Klara asks what they are doing there.
"We've come to see your play."
"Billy Elliot is a play. Grease: the Musical is a play. Karantan is our life." The isolated islanders get around.
She orders them to go back to the mainland: "You are not welcome here." I'd be outta there, but Mom insists on staying. Otherwise be lousy story.
Mom tells them that one of her ancestors died here: he was one of the British soldiers murdered by the islanders during the quarantine. So that's why they are so adamant about staying? She wants revenge or something?
Scary lady licks her face to force her to leave, but at that moment Matts (Eero Milanoff) appears and tells the islanders that it's ok, he rented them his mother's house. They growl, but what can you do?
Scene 4: At the house, Matts tells a long story about his mother walking across the ice to get married in 1974, and dying 10 years ago at the age of 91, beheaded in her favorite chair. So she was 50 when she married?
Then he creepily sneaks up on Teenage Daughter. I can't tell if she likes him or not.
Scene 5: While Mom and Dad cook dinner, and Teenage Son complains about the lack of cell phone service, Teenage Daughter takes a bath (five minute long closeup of her boobs). She hears a shuffling noise, and investigates, but finds nothing.
More after the break
.jpg)
Cut to the point of view of someone or something going through the rooms while everyone is sleeping (maybe this movie has some paranormal elements). Mom and Dad wake up and go outside to the islanders in weird masks, with torches and drummers. They throw a dead animal at the outsiders and leave.
Scene 6: Two days until Karantan. Teenage Daughter reveals the shuffling noise. Dad reveals that in his younger days, he went a bit wild, even tried cannabis. She doesn't like cannabis, she likes "cocaine and big dicks." Har har.
Dad confronts Matts about the dead animal, and complains that the tourist app promised a much different experience.
Next the family goes hiking, and takes goofy selfies at a graveyard. If one of them says "I needed this" just once more, I'm leaving.
Meanwhile, back at the cafe on the mainland, the coroners are wheeling out bodies -- wait, when he went back for his wallet, did Dad kill the cafe owner and wife? The Detective stares grimly into space.
Scene 7: Mom and Dad look through binoculars and see the townsfolk unloading coffins from a boat. "Has someone died?" "Not yet." Uh-oh, Dad is a serial killer.
The Detective arrives at the island. "How is Yanet?" an islander asks. "Yanet died." Deadpan Swedish humor, har har.
While the kids go swimming (off camera), Mom offers Dad blow job, so they rush into their rental house to do it. No beefcake. Matts watching on the surveillance cameras, beats off (bulge only).
Cut to a rehearsal for the play, with masked figures feeding each other animal parts. The Detective tells them that there's been a murder, and where is Johan the Dane, who "just got out." "He went to the mainland to buy vodka." Ok, so Johan is the murderer, not Dad.
.jpg)
Scene 8: The kids in a restaurant. The cook, Ingemar (Verneri Lilja), says "Would you like to taste my crispy waffles?", but then sees who they are, and gets surly: "Coming here was a big mistake."
Three big, surly guys come in, snarling. The kids rush out, and bump into masked figures carrying four coffins. They make throat-cutting gestures. Uh-oh, one of the coffins is labeled "English Liar." It's for Dad!
Cut to Matti wearing the Teenage Daughter's underwear. Crossdressing is the belly of the beast.?
Next, Daughter goes to her room and sees an indentation: someone has been lying there. Also, her underwear is gone. She accuses her brother of stealing them to beat off into, but he says "Don't be ridiculous. I'm gay." Gay identity established at Minute 46.
Scene 9: Night before the play. Commune Leader Klara suggests that they can honor tradition by killing and eating the outsiders, like they did with the mainland soldiers 200 years ago. Everyone balks. Strong Man (Jouko Ahola) complains that they haven't killed and eaten anyone at the festival for thirty years. Wait -- isn't that the plan? They ordered coffins.
Next she visits Matti to yell at him for bringing in the outsiders. He never obeys the community rules; he brings in people all the time, "pretty girls, pretty boys. they arrive laughing, they leave crying." So he's a bisexual perv. But she has a job for him: the others don't have the stomach for killing and eating outsiders, "so you do it."
Scene 10: The day of Karantan. The men playing British soldiers sail toward the dock. The family gathers for breakfast. Matts says that the commune voted to let them see the play, but they're going swimming instead.
"But you came to see it!"
"We'll drop by for the last four hours."
He also brought cookies, no doubt poisonous.
Scene of the family swimming (gratuitous Daughter bikini shot)
The play continues, with a giant goose dropping golden eggs and the British announcing that they are still under quarantine.
But actually there is no disease: the evil land developer Mr. Larssen, working with the British, has tricked everyone into quarantining themselves,, so they will all die and he can buy up their land cheap!
The islanders discover the plot, and execute Mr. Larssen and the British (that's why they need four coffins). Blood sprays everywhere. Wait -- was that the conclusion? It's still early -- there must be four or five hours of the play left.
Scene 11: The family returns, eats the cookies, and falls asleep. Matti comes in, wearing lady's underclothes, and prepares to have his way with the Daughter. But...giant plot twists...
1. Dad isn't the only killer.
2. The teenage son is not actually related to them
3. They haven't come to the island for revenge. It's a slaycation.
The rest of the movie gets awfully bloody.
Beefcake: None. The islanders are intended to look grotesque.
Left: Boomer Banks, who provided the stunt cock.
Other Sights: Some of Tampere. The island's church is actually St. Olaf's Church in Tyrvää, near Turku.
Gay Characters: Teenage Son, but all he does is announce it and maybe flirt a little with Ingemar at the restaurant. He dies.
Matts is a crossdressing predatory bisexual, drawing on very old, very offensive movie cliches.
My Grade: It would have been a B, but the biphobic and transphobic stereotypes push it down to a D.
Bonus: Kit Connor from Heartstopper
See also: Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 4: Shreds before beds, a big guy from Big Sky, a boyfriend's snake, and Nick Frost. With Nick's real d*ck.
Gavin Munn's polar plunge. Plus Tony's cold dip, a b*ondage hookup, and some n*de dudes in the snow. With a Finnish guy.
Heartstopper: A sweet, innocent story of boys in love
No comments:
Post a Comment