Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams
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Gemstone Roll Call: A gold-and-purple Baby Billy announces Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin in angel costumes. The rest of the family joins them on stage for the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon. Keefe does a high kick. The siblings appear in jetpacks, and rise up over the stage, but things go wrong and they crash. Fortunately, it's just a rehearsal.
Baby Billy's Dong: In the dressing room, the siblings refuse to continue with the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli? Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls.
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Baby Billy then drops his trousers to flop his dong around: "This is what a real man looks like. I booked all these people to the Give-a-Thon, so Eli has to be there!" Fans were complaining that the stunt cock guy had no balls. Who's looking for balls?
Eli Hooks Up: Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he "69ed for 45 minutes" last night. She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship. He's still trying to figure out what he wants. Dude, you're 73. Better hurry. Besides, "I don't like you."
She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies. Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "The Big Lebowski"
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Uh-oh, it's the siblings, for some reason dressed in their Cape and Pistol society costumes. Judy has an unexplained bandaged hand. They yell at Eli for drinking too much, and when they find a bra, hooking up with ladies. "Am I supposed to be in mourning all my life?" "Yes!" They had the same argument in Season 2, when Eli hooked up with a lady after Bowling Night.
He refuses to go to the telethon. The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents. How does Kelvin know about that?
Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:
BJ's Pole: BJ (not pictured) is in a pole dancing class otherwise occupied entirely by women (the casting call asked for men, too, but I guess none showed up). Judy disapproves of him spending so much time aroiund hot ladies, or having any life outside of her, but he explains that the "physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole dancing" has keyed into his obsessive nature, like pickleball in Season 3 and skating in Season 2. BJ's story arc always involves trying to become his own person, distinct from Judy.
It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.
Loud and Proud after the break
Living Loud and Proud: Kelvin and Keefe in glittering green hold their all-inclusive Bible study in a glittering green hall. Applause by a drag queen, a butch lesbian, a couple of gay guys. He explains that Prism, "where diversity sparkles," involves "looking at the Bible in a different light." They talk all around it, but they don't say "gay." I'm concerned.
They see the Bible differently from "older, lamer generations." They omit the yucky stuff and concentrate on the good stuff, with the Kelvin Gemstone Edition Bibles. So they're censoring the text? Why not discuss the contemporary scholarly consensus that the Five Clobber Verses have nothing to do with contemporary LGBTQ identities:
1. The story of Sodom: their sin was being inhospitable to strangers, not being gay.
2. "Thou shalt not lie with man as with woman": A reference to temple prostitution. Anyhow, the next passage says that eating shrimp is an abomination, too.
3. "Men, leaving the natural use of women, burned with lust." It's a story about lust, not a condemnation of gay relationships.
4. "Strange flesh." Dating angels.
5. "Homosexuals," a mistranslation of arsenokoitai and malakoi: slang swear words like motherf*ker, not meant to be taken literally
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Back home, Keefe helps Kelvin de-flamboyant himself by taking off his shirt and rings. Kelvin is happy that he can finally "be myself and be worshipped for it," and their success is something that he can "throw in Jesse and Judy's faces." I liked you better when you were buying dildos, buddy.
Keefe wants to be more open, like "kissing more in public," or maybe... getting married? Keefe's story arc always has him trying to push a resistant Kelvin to the next stage in their relationship. Doubtless there'll be a Kelvin/Keefe wedding in Episode 4.8.
Kelvin is alarmed by the idea of marriage. Maybe if you did it right, on one knee, with a ring? Being more open would hurt their ministry. What about Sigfried and Roy? "They were lickin' each other's wieners just like you and me do, but they didn't...put in the pipe with each other in front of the audience." He wants to kiss you on stage, not put his pipe in you. It's not the same thing.
Siegfried and Roy performed magic acts with a white tiger in Las Vegas from 1967 to 2003. They never denied that they were romantic partners, but they never actually came out either. When Roy died of COVID in 2020, Siegfried announced that "I have lost my best friend."
To assuage Keefe's hurt feelings, Kelvin becomes "the kissy monster." Annoyed, Keefe complains that he doesn't have time for the kissy monster right now, but Kelvin chases him across the room. He starts climbing, presumably onto the bed. Dude, he said no, and that "kissy monster" shtick is not at all sexy.
Bonus: In case Baby Billy's dong isn't enough, here's another.
See also: Sons of Anarchy Episode 1.5: Trans Walton Goggins, a motorcycle club, BDSM, and three n*de men
The Kiss Heard 'Round the World: A Kelvin/Keefe adventure
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