Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.
The full verse, NIV: "For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge." Husband? I think we're going for Cobb as the Big Bad.
Left and below: Michael Sayfou, who plays Ash, Pontius' friend (and Abraham's boyfriend in my fan fiction)
Cobb's Story:
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Kelvin's Story
Vance's Story
Gideon's Story:
Cut to another of Gideon's inept Prayer Time Powerpoint presentations to an audience of a few oldsters. The powerpoint is on "The Lord's Divine Power." It looks like he proved that God exists and is eternal, and that Jesus made an expiatory sacrifice -- all in 40 minutes? And the takeaway from all that complicated theology: "Love one another."
Afterwards Amber praises the clarity of his speaking voice, but Jesse found the sermon boring. Too much crammed in. Make it simple.
Cut to the freeway underpass where Pontius and his friends are skating to the song "Suck my dick. Suck my motherf*king dick." Sure, no problem. Who wants to go first?
Teenjus Meets the Devil: The TV the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere." (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town).
An Eight Ball and $2 Million: The Board Room. Baby Billy yells at Judy and Jesse for cutting his Teenjus budget by 29%, Instead of a cement factory in Goose Creek, he should be in Jordan "filming in some Muslim tombs."
Family Visitors: Jesse is going through Kelvin's house, looking for him. He checks the foyer, a hallway with baseball-sized gummi bears mounted on the wall, the bedroom, and then back to the foyer. Nitpick: The bedroom is on the ground floor. In Season 2, it was on the second floor.
Cut to Kelvin lying on blankets in his tree house, eating Fiddle Faddle and Bugles and playing with his monster movie toys, when Jesse and Judy knock on the door. They flew up in jetpacks!
Check out the cool prop photo of Kelvin and Keefe hugging. It will be used as the cover of their wedding announcement. Don't complain about spoilers, we all know that it's going to happen.
Time for the Night of Testimonies: Vance, in the dressing room, flirts with the makeup girl.
Kelvin's turn: He became a preacher at age 12. "They said I was special, but I just felt different. I spent my whole life trying not to be, until I realized that God sees the real me. He made the real me. And if the real me is good enough for God, it's good enough for everyone."
Jesse, Judy, and Keefe follow him into the foyer.
The plotlines in this episode are not thematically linked, so I'll separate them by character.
Cobb's Story:
We open with the gaping mouth of an alligator! Various hooks, tools, skins, and Lori's ex-husband Cobb practicing boxing on a mannequin labeled "Feel the Pain."
Lori drives up and yells "Nope! We're not doing this again!" She yells at him for trying to scare off every man she gets involved with. She's probably referring to the brick through the her window and the car set on fire, but you never know.
He tries flirting with her - "You can't stay away. Must be my animal magnetism." But she says next time she's calling the cops. Next time? I'd be calling the moment it happened.
Later, Cobb puts on a show at the Gator Farm. He rings a bell to signal "dinner time" to his favorite gator, the huge, ornery Big Gus. "Gators are territorial. Invade their territory, they'll bite you." Uh-oh, Eli is in the audience! The connection to Eli and Lori is too easy. It must be a misdirection.
Cut to Cobb bagging up a toy alligator in the gift shop. Shouldn't he have someone working during the show? Eli approaches and explains that Lori is with him now, so "no more trouble."
Cobb lays into him, noting that Lori has been with a lot of men since the divorce, and she was doing "sick, nasty stuff" up in Pigeon Forge. He hands Eli a newspaper ad for her escort service: "Adult companionship -- wealthy men. Call, click, connect. First half hour free."
Ok, this has to be fake. Prostitution is illegal in the U.S., so she couldn't advertise openly. Escorts usually work from a standard client list. You would neveer specify "wealthy men." And what does "first half hour free" mean? You charge by the act, not by the hour.
Cut to lunch. Eli asks Lori about the escort business ad. She claims that it's fake: "Cobb made up those ads to try to smear me." There's not much call for 65-year old hookers in Pigeon Forge.
Eli also ran a credit check. "You're broke. You declared bankruptcy last year."
This makes Lori angry. Accusing her of being a "whore," and then of being a gold-digger! "Aimee-Leigh used to tell me how much you care about money. I thought she was exaggerating." She throws some money on the table to pay for her lunch and walks out.
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Kelvin's Story
Keefe arrives at Kelvin's treehouse, but the rope ladders and platforms have been pulled up, so he can't get in.
Kelvin: "This is what cowards do. They hide in their forts." In what way was the round table debacle cowardice?
Keefe points out that everyone at Prism is worried about him, but Kelvin doesn't believe it: "They're not concerned. They just realized that I am a failure."
Tonight is the final event in the Top Christ Following Man promotion: the Night of Testimonies. "Nope, not going. Now go away."
Cut to Keefe morosely turning off the lights at the Prism Prayer Room and puting a sign up: "No Prism today. Maybe tomorrow or maybe another day or something."
The Monkey's Story
In the kitchen, the Monkey feeds BJ pretzels, gets him some water, and kisses him on the lips -- five or six times, yuck! -- while Judy fumes.
Later, she is in her bathroom, primping in front of the mirror, when the Monkey starts flinging its treats at her. Then it jumps onto her vanity and throws her makeup onto the floor. She rushes out into the dining room to tell BJ what's happening -- he's cleaning the Monkey's butt. Gross!
BJ says that it's not a competition. He loves both Judy and the Monkey.
Then he brings up Kelvin's round-table debacle: "Poor guy. Vance Simkins is a self-righteous bigot and a homophobe." Judy is angry with Kelvin due to his insults earlier, so she refuses the Monkey's suggestion that she visit and talk to him.
Vance's Story
At the Cape and Pistol Society, Vance gloats: "Getting rid of Kelvin gives me a clear path to victory (in the Top Christian Man Contest). He was the only real competition." Plus, he enjoys hurting Kelvin, because it hurts Jesse.
But Jesse counters that he hates Kelvin due to his insults from earlier, so "it doesn't hurt me at all. It strengthens me."
Vance continues, evoking the Night of Testimonies: "I'm going to ruthlessly dismantle Kelvin -- if he has the nards to show." He takes a meatball from Jesse's plate and, pretending that it is a testicle, eats it. "Tasty."
Left: Kelvin's nards.
Gideon's Story:
At the back entrance to the Salvation Center, Pontius and his friends, including Ash (Michael Sayfou) and Edge (Alexander Matoussian), are skateboarding and getting high on air duster spray.
Jesse, Amber, and the kids arrive. Jesse yells at him for disrespecting a sacred place, and Gideon agrees.
Pontius: "What happened to you, man? You used to be cool. Now you're just like them -- a sellout. Look how they cut your balls off."
Jesse threatens to cut off Pontius' balls and shove them in his friends' mouths. I'm sure they have been in his friends' mouths already.
He and his friends walk away jeering. Jesse: "I hate Pontius so much!"
He concludes: "You can stay or you can go, but it's over." Agreed.
Afterwards Amber praises the clarity of his speaking voice, but Jesse found the sermon boring. Too much crammed in. Make it simple.
Next Amber asks about his feud with Pontius. "I don't know. I tried being nice to him for a long time, but now I sort of keep my distance." Try "love one another"?
"You need to work it out."
'But he says the most awful things to me."
"That's the problem with siblings," Jesse says. "They know your weaknesses, and can fuck you right in the asshole with them." It wouldn't be the first thing that's been in Gideon's asshole. Seriously, why has this guy never expressed any interest in men or women since Season 1?
Amber suggests that Jesse reconcile with his brother Kelvin, to be a role model for Gideon and Pontius.
Cut to the freeway underpass where Pontius and his friends are skating to the song "Suck my dick. Suck my motherf*king dick." Sure, no problem. Who wants to go first?
Gideon appears in a suit and asks them to church. But you lead Prayer time, not the church service.
"Go back to Sunday school and start sucking Daddy's dick some more." Sure, no problem. Tell Jesse I'm free around 10:00.
But he takes a skateboard, steals a dude's sunglasses, and does some harsh shredding, proving himself an badass. Pontius and the guys are shocked, and hug him. Dudes, don't you remember the blackmail schme with Scotty? The Cycle Ninjas? Smashing the militia compound? Gideon has always been a badass.
This is why Gideon was terrible at preaching: he was trying to be a "good Christian boy." In every season, he is torn between Charleston and California, the life his family wants for him and the life he wants for himself. I can relate, having grown up with a constant litany of "job, house, wife, kids." Like Kelvin, he has now found a way to meet family expectations while being true to himself.
Jordanian dicks after the break
Teenjus Meets the Devil: The TV the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere." (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town).
Complaining about having to "babysit" his own kids, Baby Billy directs a scene where teenage Jesus/Teenjus (Matthew Garbacz) is tempted by the Devil. He doesn't project enough and he can't remember his line, so Baby Billy fires him and decides to play Teenjus himself.
The Devil points out that he's not a teen, but "You ain't the Devil. It's called acting."
Tiffany and the Nanny arrive late. He lambasts them, which upsets Tiffany: "You got time for everything but us." She suggests that he quit the Teenjus project, so he can spend more time with the family. They have enough money. Nope, it's not enough, and he still needs to become famous (again). "I been on this stardom train before, and you got to get it while you can." The writers, directors, and showrunners don't become famous, the actors do...oh, is that why you want to play a teenager at age 70?
"Is that all that matters to you?" Tiffany asks, reflecting Lori asking if money is all Eli cares about earlier in the episode. Baby Billy: "My job is very important to me. Now stop being difficult and take these kids to get some ice cream." She snarls. What will he finally choose, fame or family?
An Eight Ball and $2 Million: The Board Room. Baby Billy yells at Judy and Jesse for cutting his Teenjus budget by 29%, Instead of a cement factory in Goose Creek, he should be in Jordan "filming in some Muslim tombs."
Top photo and left: Jordanian guys.
And by the way, since he's playing Teenjus now, he needs $2 million for reshoots, plus an 8-Ball (3.5 grams) of cocaine. They scoff.
"Where's Kelvin?" he asks. "I can usually talk some sense into him."
They're not speaking to him, after he insulted them earlier.
Now Baby Billy yells at them for squabbling, not being a family. They should reconcile with their brother.
That's Amber, BJ, and Baby Billy telling you to check in on Kelvin. I suggest that you do it.
Family Visitors: Jesse is going through Kelvin's house, looking for him. He checks the foyer, a hallway with baseball-sized gummi bears mounted on the wall, the bedroom, and then back to the foyer. Nitpick: The bedroom is on the ground floor. In Season 2, it was on the second floor.
Judy appears, claiming that she had to poop, and Kelvin's house was the closest.
They discuss how bad they feel about his debacle, how scared he looked -- and holy sh*t, Keefe is the next room, hanging upside down on a harness! "My word, family visitors!" he exclaims.
Some fans have pointed out that he's using a BDSM swing for yoga. This is the room with the massage table -- which can double as a bondage table. So we know what kind of games the guys play.
He brings them to the treehouse where Kelvin is hiding, but it's hopeless: "I've tried for days. There's no way to get up there."
Jesse knows a way. A ladder?
Cut to Kelvin lying on blankets in his tree house, eating Fiddle Faddle and Bugles and playing with his monster movie toys, when Jesse and Judy knock on the door. They flew up in jetpacks!
They ask why he's not going to the Night of Testimonies, the last event in the Top Christ-Following Man Contest: "I'm not a brave, strong leader. I'm a coward."
"So what? You are mean. You are extremely goodback with snitty retorts. You can demolish Vance Simkins."
Suddenly Keefe bursts in, breaking down the door. Well, he's never used a jetpack before.
"We just put that door in," Kelvin complains.
Check out the cool prop photo of Kelvin and Keefe hugging. It will be used as the cover of their wedding announcement. Don't complain about spoilers, we all know that it's going to happen.
Time for the Night of Testimonies: Vance, in the dressing room, flirts with the makeup girl.
Uh-oh, Kelvin Gemstone isn't there. "He's probably hiding in his mansion in a pink bathrobe," Vance smirks.
Nope, here he comes, all in sequins, followed by Judy, Jesse, and Keefe. Vance doubles-down: "This award goes to the ideal Christian man. Is Little Kelvin even a man?" Little? He's 5'8" and muscular.
"I'm man enough to have my makeup applied already," Kelvin snarks, "So I can get a position in center stage." He runs to the stage. Vance tries to follow, but Keefe blocks him: "You just need a hug."
Night of Testimonies: The contestants have to explain how they came to God. Then an international panel, plus people at home, will vote. The favorite will win. What if the Panel and the People disagree?
Forrest Gill (Chad Darnell) found God in the bathtub, "with alcohol and Valium in my veins..."
Reggie Daniels (Mike Britt) was "the twisted wreckage of my van, with everyone else dead.... "
Vance: After his parents died in a plane crash, God told him that "You and your siblings -- led by you -- will build an empire. And we did it as a family -- a multiracial family!" We notice that the seats in the audience reserved for his family are empty: his siblings want nothing to do with him.
Kelvin's turn: He became a preacher at age 12. "They said I was special, but I just felt different. I spent my whole life trying not to be, until I realized that God sees the real me. He made the real me. And if the real me is good enough for God, it's good enough for everyone."
Keefe and the siblings are frowning -- he's blown it! But he continues: "Different is awesome -- the proof of God's work, the range of his talents." I'm quoting the whole speech because it is awesome. And surprising -- Kelvin has never spoken with any kind of eloquence before.
He continues: "So I came here tonight not to grovel for accolades, but to tell the truth about who I am and what I'm about. My name is Kelvin Gemstone, and I'm a different kind of man. A beautiful man. A gay Top Christ Folllowing Man."
Keefe starts to cry. He's been waiting for Kelvin to Say the Word since the day they met. So have viewers.
This is more significant to Kelvin's character development than the Episode 3.8 kiss, which was really just fanservice. As late as Episode 4.5, a fan clinging desperately to heteronormative erasure suggested that maybe he was just pretending to be gay. Can there be any doubt after Kelvin actually Says the Word?
He finishes: "And if that's not good enough for this award, I don't need it." He walks off stage.
Jesse, Judy, and Keefe follow him into the foyer.
"Huge brass balls to do that," Jesse points out, "But not part of the plan. Now Chuckle Fuck's definitely going to win."
Judy wants to know what happened to the snark. He was going to lay into Vance.
The stage manager (Dustyn Gulledge) rushes out and calls for Kelvin to come back. He won!
He accepts his trophy to thunderous applause, gold confetti, and the song "Colorful Revolution" by Redwalls:
A sad little boy sat on a soapbox in Market Square
He'd given words for free to all the people there,
And though the song is the same, doesn't matter who plays, it's alright.
We were singing, "Step right up for a colorful revolution."
The end.
No dongs in this episode; I guess we were busy wrapping up the Gideon and Kelvin plot arcs. But I found some Jordanian guys, above, and below, a dong that appeared when I searched for "Dustin Gummidge nude." It turns out that the guy is named Dustyn Gulledge, but the cock was too nice to delete.
Nest: Gemstones Episode 4.8: We finally see Big Dick Mitch. Plus a serial killer, Pontius' boyfriend, Tyler's tree trunk, and tied-up guys
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