The spring of 1984 was dark and dismal, endless days and weeks and months of trying and failing. A degree in English and Modern Languages with professors who said "You can do anything you want. Go into advertising, or public relations, or book publishing." A hundred resumes sent to advertising agencies, public relations firms, and publishing houses all over the country, with no answer or "no openings." By the end of May, my friends had all gone home for the summer or graduated, so I walked the streets of Bloomington alone, looking up at the cross on the tower of a distant church and wondering if there was anything ahead but dead ends.
On the evening of June 15th, I saw Gremlins, starring 20-year old Zach Galligan as a teenager who accidentally feeds his mogwai after midnight, thus turning it into a rampaging monster.
The movie itself was of minimal interest. Zach may have had a buddy-bonding friendship with fellow mogwai enthusiast Corey Feldman on the way to winning the Girl of His Dreams.
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During the next years and decades, I didn't learn much more about Zach. I never saw him in any other movie or tv show, except maybe a 1998 episode of Star Trek: Voyager, where I didn't recognize him.
There was an occasional photo or reference on one of the gay celebrity websites that we had back in the days of America Online and Myspace. They revealed that:
1. Zach was tied up in a lot of his movies. This shot appeared over and over.
And:
2. He was gay in real life. I never questioned this.
A few days ago, I noticed a run on my earlier profile of Zach Galligan, so I started researching him for a new profile.
First, n*de photos.
A frontal, a little harder to find. I don't think this is him.
This might be the 60-year old Zach of 2024.
Second, he disparages this 30-foot tall statue in Louisville, Kentucky: "If I looked like this naked, I'm not sure I would hang out in downtown Louisville. #teeny." Dude, that's an homage to Michelangelo's David by Turkish artist Serkan Özkaya. Show some respect.
Next, is he really gay, like those celebrity websites of yesteryear told us?
His Instagram says "Actor, cat lover, thunderstorm anticipator." A promising sign: Most straight guys have "husband/father" in their tagline, and for whatever reason, cats are gay-coded.
Psych! 15 of the first 20 posts are pictures of Zach hugging, kissing, holding, and grinning at the camera with the Woman of His Dreams.
Later on we find a shot from one of his movie, but Zach so busy gushing over Molly Ringwald that he doesn't say who the shirtless guy is. I think the movie is Surviving (1985), with Zach and Molly playing high schoolers so distraught over their parents' opposition to their relationship that they Romeo-and-Juliet themselves. Marc Gilpin played their friend Bobby.
Next Zach brags about being paid to "make love to a stunning Polish actress" in Danielle Steele's Crossings. He posts 12 photos of her body and part of his head. Lee Horsley, tv's Matt Houston, was the star. How about showing us some of his body?
Researching other sources is no better. An article from 2014 says that Zach regrets leaving Hollywood -- and not dating Phoebe Cates. Can't go 30 seconds without mentioning a girl, can you, buddy?
Zach can't help being straight -- he was born that way -- but does he have to be heterosexist AF, proclaiming "girls! girls! girls!' constantly, as if feminine smiles are the Meaning of Life?
I am disgustipated.
When they discover that an actor they liked as a kid is gay, heterosexuals complain that their childhood "is ruined!" I'm not sure why. Because they can no longer pretend that no LGBT people existed in the past?
Well, Zach and Allan Kayser, Bubba on Mama's Family. Yes, his bulge was on display in every episode.
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