Title: "Interlude IV." The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone, so it's Episode 6. We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.
The New Parking Lot: 2002. Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses. He claims that it will bring thousands of people to town, who will spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation. Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs. The townsfolk growl and complain. So am I. Zoning restrictions? How boring can you get?
Cute council member Terry Cook is eating a donut. A unnnamed background player, he notes that they did several takes. Sometimes he had to be angry. Once he ate an egg.
He sort of looks like Jamie McGuire, the Smiley-Face Creature from From
The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!" She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"
The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.
Eli: "For the lake house." That is, for the money. Um...serving God? Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?
They walk out into a huge demonstration. Someone shoves pies in their faces.
Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot. In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.
Corey Defends Daddy: At the lake house, Lori's husband Cobb (Michael Rooker) is trying to water-ski, but Eli drives too fast, and he capsizes. His manhood challenged, he splutters and swears.
Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at Cobb, which upsets his son, Young Corey.
Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, having sex." This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant. The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.
A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap. She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.
Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years, so it will be nostalgic.
Cut to the studio, where they are making up song lyrics while Judy listens. Kelvin eavesdrops from outside the door. Notice that his t-shirt says The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius, reflecting his belief that he is a "boy genius." The tv show premiered on July 20, 2002, so this must be a few months later, maybe in September 2002.
Kelvin Sneaks Teen Idols: Seeing that Judy is occupied, Kelvin sneaks into her room, says "Hello" to a photo of Hayden Christiansen (Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, which premiered in May 2002),, and retrieves a box from under the bed. He draws out a Tiger Beat magazine with Ricky Martin (below) on the cover. "Wow!" Kelvin is afraid to let anyone know about his interest in teen idols, although he had no problem with a muscle magazine cover taped to his bedroom wall in 1993.
He exclaims "Oh, my God!" at photos of Ryan Gosling, Brendan Fraser, Hayden Christiansen, and Josh Hartnet, and then stops at the Gossip Page. This is important, as an interest in gossip makes Kelvin a real-life jerk.
Next he finds Judy's diary, with an entry on a crush on her economics professor, Dr. Carmichael (in Season 1, she admits to sexually assaulting him, then kidnapping his son).
Suddenly Judy is in the room! She chases Kelvin out of the house and to his treehouse (much closer than it was in an earlier episode). He pulls up the ladder -- safe! -- gives her the finger as she storms off, frustrated. You're in the wrong, Kelv Baby -- that's your sister's property.
A Christian Family: At the Salvation Center, Eli and Aimee-Leigh are preaching on "The Christian Home": Children, obey your parents; and parents, don't provoke your children.
Cut to dinner at Jason's Steak House. Corey can't believe how big the church is. He's never been there before? "It makes our church look like a joke."
Kelvin is being condescending and judgmental, claiming that Judy wants to "make babies" with her professor and hat Jesse and Amber's son will be a "bastard."
Jesse announces at they have chosen a name for their "beautiful bastard son": Stallone: after Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky, and the Italian Stallion.
Everyone except Corey hates it, especially Kelvin, because "Stallone Gemstone" rhymes. Amber keeps quiet, fuming.
Recording: Aimee-Leigh and Lori recording the song that Lori will sing at the telethon in 2024:
I feel so lonely, all on my own/ Running from the darkness, since you've been gone.
They take a break, and Lori reveals that things with her husband Cobb are bad. The marriage is over.
Cobb's Pecker: At dinner, Corey is telling about the time a gator took a piece of his Dad's pecker off, and all he said was "Boy, go get me a napkin." Lori claims that it was an improvement, because it doesn't work anymore. In earlier seasons, there were frequent symbolic castrations. This is the first for Season 4.
Husband Cobb arrives, drunk, and orders Lori to come home. She points out that she's busy working on an album, but he doesn't care. He tries to pull her into the truck, but Eli intervenes and punches him.
"Ok, then, don't come home ever!"
Corey says he's going to drive his dad home, but he'll right back. Wait -- if the Milsaps live close by, why haven't they been visiting all along?
That night, Jesse, Amber, and Judy overhear their parents discussing what they are going to do about Lori and Cobb. Jesse (J. Gaven Wilde) in his underwear displays an impressive dong.
A day or two later, Eli arrives at the Milsap Gator Farm to ask how he can help. Cobb: "Your wife is making it easy for her to act like me and her's life together don't even exist." He notes that he's rich, but not into fancy things, and Lori likes fancy.
"Would you like to pray?"
"No, I'd rather jump into the water with them gators. I don't ever want to see your face again."
Another song: Lori and Aimee-Leigh recording:
I'm lucky to sing with you.
When we're older, I guess, we'll say
These were the best of times in our lives.
The best times of my life were in West Hollywood: Saturday night Mama's Family, Golden Girls, cruising at Mugi, then, if I didn't meet anyone, stopping at the all night comic book store; the gym that was half gay men, half B-list celebrities; Sunday service at the Metropolitan Community Church on Fairfax; the beer bust at the Fault Line, then tangerine chicken; buying every new gay book that came out at the Different Light; Hamburger Habit, the Greenery, Mickey's, the Unicorn....
Cobb's Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "Gemstone necklaces," har har).
Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, in bed with his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening. Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs -- but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.
Mansion or hot dogs? Gee, what a difficult decision.
"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.
"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids." He begs his Sad Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.
Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to go out for the evening, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner. Jesse is in charge. "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."
Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood. Shouldn't he be in charge?
Time Moves Slowly: The adults at dinner at Oakwood. Aimee-Leigh suggests that they sing some of their songs in front of an audience, to see their reaction. Shouldn't you do this before recording?
Later, while Lori is talking to the band, Eli tells Aimee-Leigh that he visited Cobb: the marriage is unsalvageable. They discuss how solid their own marriage is.
Hold My Hand: At home, the kids are singing karaoke. Kelvin's turn: "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down (2000). Corey hugs him for:
Meanwhile, Cobb is drinking and feeding his gators.
The Bible Thief: Cut to Corey, Jesse, and Judy at a Mexican restaurant. Cobb calls to see if his son is still at the mansion. "No, we all left to get Mexican food." When they're done, could he drive to Norton Bridge? His truck broke down.
Cobb is actually at the back gate of the Gemstonescompound. He puts on a ski mask, climbs over the gate, and tromps through a thunderstorm, then breaks through a window to enter the house. Kelvin, in Judy's room tearing pictures of hot guys from Tiger Beat, thinks that the kids have returned, and runs downstairs.
The Mongolian throat singing in the background is "Wolf Totem," by the metal/folk group The Hu. The lyrics in English translation are heard during the closing credits:
If you come as snakes, we'll become Garuda birds
If you come as tigers, we'll face you as lions with blue manes
Cut to Corey and company at Norton Bridge, waiting to help Cobb with his "stalled truck," wondering why he's not around.
The adults arrive at the mansion. The house is ransacked, and the kids are gone! They rush through the house calling their names. Aimee-Leigh pulls Kelvin out from under the bed and hugs him. The poor boy is traumatized for life. Remember how, as an adult, he hates thunderstorms?
Corey Protects His Dad: Cut to the police interviewing everyone. Judy complains that the intruder tore up her "Teen Hunk" magazines, but Jesse points out that he destroyed all their stuff, and angry-kicks.
Aimee-Leigh says that they have no idea who did it, but "a lot of people don't like us." Ok, now I see the point of the parking-lot debacle: to make the Gemstones think that someone besides Cobb trashed their house.
Corey is sitting at the dining room table by himself, staring into space. Lori asks if he's ok. He lies and says that Cobb had car trouble, so they gave him a jump. Won't that story fall apart if they ask Jesse and Amber?
The Devil's Piss: In the study, Jesse helps himself to a cigar and talks to his Dad about the loss of the Gold-Plated Bible.About the baby's name: Instead of Stallone, Eli suggests Gideon. His story is in the Book of Judges: he had doubts about following God's commands, but eventually he raised an army, and defeated the Midianites. The people wanted him to become king, but he refused: "There is no king but God." Jesse likes the name.
Aimee-Leigh and Lori inspect the trashed recording studio, and suggest that the intruder "had the Devil in him."
Back in the study, Jesse helps himself to some bourbon. Eli strangely waits until he takes a sip to note that the intruder pissed in it. Call back to Keefe's Episode 4.2 monologue about people drinking the Devil's piss. Now we know that the devil is Cobb -- unless it's a misdirection.
The Gold-Plated Bible: At home, Cobb sorts through the stuff he stole, and checks out the Bible. There's a list of all the owners inside, beginning with Abel Grimes (name crossed out), going on through Elijah Gemstone (who stole it from Abel during the Civil War), his son Charles, and on through Jackson, Roy, and finally Eli Gemstone. There's also an old daguerreotype of Elijah. The end.
Fan theories answered:
1. Eli and Lori did not have an affair; they were friends only because of Lori's relationship with Aimee-Leigh.
2. Lori and Aimee-Leigh did not have an affair, either.
3. Cobb stole the Bible, but not because he's a descendant of Abel Grimes, because it looked valuable. And no, he's not going to use the intel to claim that the Gemstone line is somehow illegitimate. He would have done that in 2002
4. Gideon is not going to take over the church.
Bonus: This review was a little beefcake-light, so here are some nude Mongolian guys.
Next: Gemstones Episode 4.7: Kelvin and Pontius have their nards threatened, Gideon finds his voice, and skaters show their dicks
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