Who is Bradley Cooper, and why is he "ultra-famous"? With his gay/sort of bi characters , backside, and d*ck

 

Danny McBride promised an ultra-famous guest star for Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1, the Civil War prequel, but kept him a super secret, so his appearance would be a shocking reveal.  I watched the entire episode, wondering who the ultra-famous guest star was.  

Turns out that it was....BRADLEY COOPER!!!!!

Who the heck is that? 

It's such a generic name, it could belong to anyone.

The main Bradley Cooper has  75 acting credits on the IMDB. I've seen six:

Wet Hot American Summer (2001), watched to review.  Bradley plays Ben,  a gay guy at the summer camp who gets a boyfriend.  His peers are horrified: "Ben is a fag!" But they give him a wedding present anyway.

Guardians of the Galaxy, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Avengers: Infinity Game, and Avengers: Endgame, where he voices the the sentient raccoon character.  

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor among Thieves, where he plays a loveable rogue.

No wonder I didn't recognize him, or his name.

You can't really blame me. Who'd want to see Alias (2001-06), about a lady spy with a  "you're arrogant!" bickering partner?

Or Bending All the Rules (2002), about a woman juggling two boyfriends, David Gail and Bradley?  Even though he shows us his backside.

Or The A-Team (2010), a remake of a 1980s tv show that I never saw.  Even though it shows us Bradley's impressive physique.

Or Wedding Crashers, He's Just Not Into You, The Hangover, or The Hangover II?  They sound like nontstop heteronormative sleaze fests.

I might have gone to see Valentine's Day (2010), if I knew there was a gay plotline in the ensemble: Holden (Bradley) dumps his boyfriend, pro football player Sean (Eric Dane) because he's closeted, but after his career is over, the guy comes out, so Holden takes him back.

More after the break, including some c*ocks

The Top 15 Hunks of the Civil War Gemstones, with some 19th century soldier d*cks

Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1, the short film about great-grandpa Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) grifting and murdering his way through the Civil War, was a nonstop sausage fest, with a cast of 18 men and no women.  Granted, they were all soldiers, grim, grimy, injured, and dying, but still, their inner hunkiness shone through. 

 Instead of trying to profile them separately, I'll do them all at once, excluding Bradley Cooper and the three who have already been profiled (Charles Ambrose, Jackson Kelly).  With such a large group, I'll limit my research to:

* Is he gay?  A man with a wife or girlfriend will be identified as straight.  Sorry, bi and closeted guys.

* Are there any n* ude photos?  I'll just check AZ Nude Men and Instagram.  No time to look through a lot of hookup sites.

1. Jim Cummings, Pete McCabe in Danny McBride's Halloween Kills, as Captain Cane, who accuses the pretend chaplain Elijah of gambling and drinking with the guys.  He's kissing a lady a lot on his Instagram, so: straight.

Here Jim is preparing for a polar plunge.  Yow. 

2. Josh McDermitt, best known as Eugene on The Walking Dead, as Pastor Grieves, whom Elijah murders for the church offering money.  Josh is straight, but likes to pretend to be gay for comedic effect by kissing dudes, har har.

3. Lew Temple,  left, Axel on The Walking Dead, as a condemned Confederate soldier who asks conman chaplain Elijah to say a prayer for them, "send us out with a good one."  He wishes his daughter happy birthday, so I'm going to guess straight.

4. Kimball Farley, star of the indie film Hippo,  as Ned Rollins, who partners with Elijah to cheat during a card game with Captain McFall, and is later murdered.  He and his girlfriend were profiled in the Love Issue of Cosmopolitan: their first kiss was at a stoplight. Straight.

5. Paul Schneider, left, known for All the Real Girls (2003) and Lars and the Real Girl (2007), as an injured soldier.  His Instagram consists of posts about an innocent man on death row, with no personal information, but he kisses girls in a lot of his photos on the IMDB, so I'm going to say straight.

6. Charles Halford, seen here on Lucifer, as a soldier bathing in the river.  There's a d*ck shot, but it's too blurry to post.  He fills his Instagram with art and nature photos, so I can't tell if he's gay or not.

7. Tim Johnson as a soldier.  He played Squi on Freaky and Punk Boss on Daybreak. Otherwise he's difficult to research: there are over 20 Tim Johnsons with Instagram accounts, including a pastor, several "husband and fathers," a fitness trainer, and this guy.  Maybe it's our Tim Johnson, maybe not.

I can't tell if he's gay or not.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams. With Bradley's bottom and Jackson's junk

Previous: Gemstones Season 3 Finale: Kelvin and Keefe married?  Pontius a dark lord?  Peter redeemed through the Redeemer?

Title: "Prelude."  This is not really an episode of The Righteous Gemstones at all.  It's a full theatrical movie starring Bradley Cooper, who you know as Ben in Wet Hot American Summer and Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy.  So I'll do a scene-by-scene.

Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862.  Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt) preaches and takes an offering.  After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (this will be important later).

Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg. It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's money), plus room and board.

Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things.  He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me.  He was handsome.  His name was Elijah Gemstone."   He was handsome?  Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?

Scene 2: A battle, with lots of Confederate soldiers being killed. Their grim faces flash by.  A boy gets his leg blown off.  600,000 soldiers died, plus about 1,000,000 civilians. 6% of the young adult men from the North, and 18% from the South

Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God.  He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors.Does this remind you of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party from Season 1?

Scene 3: Elijah is called to pray with the boy who got his leg blown off (Alex Saxon).  He is dying and afraid, but Elijah just pretends to pray.  

Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.

Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon.  Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect.  We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough."  In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.

Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly).  This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight. 

Scene 5: Elijah and the soldiers bathing in the river (blurry d*ck shot).  Afterwards Ned Rollins (Kimball Farley) announces that he recognizes Elijah from before the War. "It took me awhile, but I saw the way you shuffle the deck of cards, with your pinkie out like a woman."  So Elijah has some femme/gay characteristics?  Does he remind you of Kelvin?

His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow.  He's starting a card game, and he is loaded.  They could take him.

Cut to the card game.  They take him.  Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of the coffins. And now he's Judy

More after the break

"Jackson Kelly": A killer doll, a killer pumpkin, a paranormal trap, nude Hicks, and a year of dicks

Time to start profiling Righteous Gemstones Season 4 actors.  Only two have popped up to date, Charles Ambrose and Jackson Kelly, who plays Winston, probably in the Civil War sequence.  I can't imagine a modern teenager being named after a cigarette or the Prime Minister of Britain. 

Googling the name "Jackson Kelly" yields pages of guitars, so you have to say "Jackson Kelly" and "actor."  The guy has an Instagram, but with only nine photos.  

A search for Jackson Kelly on Facebook yields only this photo.  I don't think it's him.

But Jackson has been profiled in a number of local newspapers and podcasts, so we can get a nice bio:

 He grew up in Waco, Texas, the heart of the homophobic Bible Belt, and had trouble pursuing his dream: the nearest acting class was two hours away, and for auditions, his parents had to drive him six hours to Austin.  There are three theaters in Waco.

In April 2020, COVID hit, and the Vanguard College Preparatory School went online. They have a Latin Club, but no GSA, and no mention of LGBT non-discrimination.    So he packed his stuff and moved to L.A., with the full support of his parents.  If I liked to wear evening gowns, I'd be getting the heck out of Waco regardless. 

Jackson's first industry job was a production assistant for a company making commercials -- a lot of manual labor, moving stuff from here to there.  Then he began appearing in commercials and "zero-budget" independent films:

My Year of Dicks, 2022: he has one of the dicks that the girl tries to get.

Splinters, 2022: after the death of his father....f*k the Sadness

Witch Mountain, 2022: Two teens, male and female, develop psychic powers.  You see where this is heading.

Portrait of a Young Man, 2022: Jackson, the Young Man, is struggling with "his identity."  Sounds like a coming out story, but in the trailer he kisses a girl.

Hard Miles, 2023: Matthew Modine plays a social worker who organizes a 1,000 mile bicycle trip to the Grand Canyon for a group of teen convicts, including Smink, played by Jackson.

Left: Matthew Modine's butt.

The Western The Warrant: Breaker's Law, 2023, with Dermot Mulroney as the villain. Jackson plays someone named Brig Farkus.  At least he has some interesting character names.

Five episodes of Lucky Hank, 2023, a quickly-cancelled series about college English/creative writing professor Bob Odenkirk having a midlife crisis/meltdown. 

Jackson plays an aspiring novelist named Barstow Williams-Stevens. In the trailer, he throws shade at the prof during class: "You haven't said anything for an hour and a half. Would you please say something?  Your only novel isn't even available in your own campus bookstore."  The prof responds in kind, and gets in big trouble.

More after the break

Charles Ambrose: Civil War soldier, coast guardsman, martial artist, male model. With some risque photos

 

A partial cast list of Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1 as appeared, with Charles Ambrose as Union Soldier Stephens.  Time for a profile.

His real name is Jason Ambrose, also Jason Charles Smith, and he's from Sandwich, Illinois, 60 miles west of Chicago. He attended Waubonsee Community College, then studied comedy at the Second City in Chicago.  I wonder if his standup routine is about growing up in Sandwich.

His resume lists several local Chicago-area plays, including The Music Man, The Moon is Down, Act Your Age, The Dating Game, and Julius Caesar.  And skills including combat, archery, horseback riding, firearms, rock climbing, jiu jitsu, and motorcycles.

Plus modeling.

23 credits on the IMDB, beginning in 2008 with the short Hell Mary.

Then occasional guest spots on tv, one or two every year.  Most of these characters don't appear in the plot synopses:

Andy on Sons of Anarchy, featuring the backside of Charlie Hunnan

Zane on Henry Danger

Deputy Jimmy on Lovecraft Country

Donny in Hollywood Vampire

Lucas in NCIS: Los Angeles

Coach Watkins in The Wonder Years update, with Julian Lerner as Brad Hitman.

His most substantial role to date: 23 episodes of the soap General Hospital, playing Ambrose, henchman of the evil Victor Cassadine.  On Victor's orders, he kidnaps Liesl Obrecht, kidnaps Ace Prince-Cassadine, and almost kills Spencer Cassadine

Coming up: The Legend of Van Dorn, about a Confederate soldier played by Lee Wilson, who was "immensely attractive to women."  Never to men, of course.  He was murdered by a husband upset over his wife's canoodling.  Charles plays General Red Jackson, another real-life figure.

And Secrets and Yards, about a small town football team with secrets.

More Charles after the break. Caution: Explicit.

History of the World, Part II: Homophobic jokes, gay subtexts, and Brock O'Hurn. With Ike and Nick nude

History of the World, Part I (1981) was a Mel Brooks vehicle involving sketches parodying various historic periods, from the Stone Age to the Spanish Inquisition, featuring nearly every comedian in the business.  To the infinite confusion of audiences, no Part II was intended.

Until 2022, when Part II appeared as a tv series on Hulu, again (mostly) produced, written, directed, and narrated by the 96 year old Mel Brooks -- who appears "swole," borrowing the body of Brock O'Hurn.  Three or four time periods are parodied, but I'm going to review only the Civil War.

Episode 1: 1865. In the waning days of the War, President Lincoln asks the drunken Ulysses S. Grant (Ike Barinholtz, left) to take charge of his son, Robert Todd (Nick Robinson): the 22-year old Harvard student has been begging to enlist, and now that the war is nearly over, he can do so safely. This is historically accurate: Robert Todd did serve on Grant's staff for several months in 1865.  But he was a "dandy," and Lincoln was gay; both are closeted here. 

Every soldier in Virginia has been ordered to deny Grant alcohol, so he decides to take RT on a "dangerous mission."

"I would follow you to the gates of Hell," RT says. Awww, how sweet.

"It's worse than that.  We're going to West Virginia."  Har, har. 

Episode 2:  In Rock Ridge, West Virginia, stylized as an Old West town out of Blazing Saddles, RT and Grant try to fit in because "They don't like our kind." He means Yankees, of course, but.... In  a tavern, we get a shot of the two holding hands as they both look at the same menu.  That's a queer code.

Left: Ike nude

Their cover is blown when Grant tries to use Union currency, and his face is on the bill!  Grant is on the $50 bill today, but of course he wasn't during the Civil War. "We hate Yankees!"  The scene dissolves when a Red Sox fan starts to complain (the baseball team opposed to the New York Yankees).  

The mob (led by Scotty McArthur) leads them out to be hanged. Actually, West Virginia was almost entirely Union-occupied through the war.

Episode 3: Three expendable Union soldiers  are sent to rescue them. Lt. Henry Honeybeard (Tim Baltz), being white, is made their leader.  The others are the black Mason Dixon (Tyler James Williams) and the Native American Mingoes  (Zahn McClarnon).  As they leave, we see two pairs of legs protruding from a tent (guys having sex, har har).  

They are all dumb as a stump, and can't figure out which way West Virginia is. They end up the Underground Railroad, which is actually a subway run by Harriet Tubman, going the wrong direction.

More gay subtexts after the break