Operation Taco Gary's: A gay porn star, Keefe, the "American Pie" guy, the cock that got censored, tacos, and aliens. And everybody's gay.

 

Tony Cavalero (yes, I still follow his Instagram) announced that Operation Taco Gary's, which he completed in 2023, has finally found a broadcast home, on Amazon Prime. I've been waiting for this for awhile, so here goes:

Scene 1: As the radio announces the death of actor Jason Biggs (best known for the American Pie franchise), a guy runs through the woods in his underwear, holding a book or a box.  He yells "F*k you, Biggs!"

Flashback to the child Bulge Guy and his buddy or brother trying to destroy their neighborhood.  As an old fat guy sunbathes in s Speedo, child Bulge Guy accidentally pushes his buddy into a wall, knocking him out. He runs away, past a sign saying "Moving sale. Please buy my stuff." 

Scene 2: In a run-down house, a guy is lying on the bed, despondent, while his roommate or boyfriend, Luke (Dustin Milligan), sells off their stuff. They're moving to Ottawa. Wait -- the moving sale is in the present. What about the kids?  They weren't Bulge Guy and his buddy?

Someone asks about a painting of the Pope eating dinner with Big Foot.  "It's not mine.  I'm basically Jewish."

"That's not true," a voice calls from another room.  "I've seen his penis.  Ample foreskin. His dick looks like the head of a baby elephant."  

It's Bulge Guy, Luke's long-lost brother!  He's a conspiracy theorist who lives off the grid, and he brought the painting because the Catholic Church is supressing evidence of Bigfoot.

They discuss Luke's move to Canada.  "You got a girlfriend  up there?"

"No.  I wish." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 7.  "I'm a new paleontology researcher. I start on Monday."

Bulge Guy guilts his way into an invitation to come along.  Who was the roommate despondent over Luke leaving?  Maybe a random person trying out the bed?  A little confusing, director!.

Scene 3: Driving to Canada on narrow country roads through the woods.  On the radio: "Jason Biggs' death has been ruled a homicide"  Bulge Guy looks suspicious.

Left: Research reveals that Bulge Guy is played by Simon Rex, unrecognizeable from his early days in gay-ish porn.

They stop at Taco Gary's for lunch.  Bulge Guy claims that his days of scamming the Portuguese mafia out of Taiwanese ketamine are over.  He just wants to be a good brother.

Cut to the police breaking into Luke's empty house.  They find a Taco Gary's wrapper and conclude that Luke is now helping Bulge Guy. 

Scene 4: An ugly guy with a physique that's um...well, I'm sure he has a nice cock.  He awakens, brushes his teeth, and heads to the dentist office to protest the practice of putting microchips in our teeth.   

Getting gas nearby, Luke and Bulge Guy see him. So he's going to join the team?

Uh-oh, Bulge Guy sees a car, rushes over, and accosts the old lady driving with a hunting knife. He shows her a taco, and refers to the "TG Truce of '21."  She doesn't know what he's talking about.  "Sorry, I mistook you for a member of the Coalition."

While he's gone, Luke checks his backpack and finds that Bulge Guy is not taking is meds.

Scene 5: They zoom off.  Hey, what about the ugly guy with the sign?  You spent so much time showing him getting dressed, I thought he would be a major character.  

Luke confronts Bulge Guy for not taking his meds, destroying his cell phone, and attacking the old lady.   He can't accommodate his brother's craziness anymore, and orders him out of the car.  But Bulge Guy gives him an injection that knocks him out, and drags him into the woods.

Scene 6: He awakens at night, by a campfire, remembers what happened, and tries to run away, but Bulge Guy injects him again.  And a third time. Just tie him up, dude.

Bulge Guy explains: he needs Luke's identity to sneak into Canada.  He's already stolen Luke's passport, wallet, and car keys, so he can't say no. "You'll get them back when we cross the border, and you'll still be in Ottawa in time for your new job."  How are both of them going to get into Canada with the same passport?

He gives Luke a high-tech, alien-made homing device to use instead of a government-hacked cell phone.

"This is a Rubik's Cube painted black."

Uh-oh, the cops have found their car!  Bulge Guy yells "We are armed and extremely dangerous!"  They approach with guns pulled.  Run!

They run. Luke and the two cops all hurt their ankles on the same log (not funny, painful to watch). 

They stumble across a white-haired guy camping, and by taking off his pants, Bulge Guy convinces him to give them a ride. So he liked your bulge?  

"By the way, I've kidnapped my brother, and I'm forcing him to help me against his will."

"No problem," White-Haired Guy says, no doubt thinking that they both must have big cocks.

Scene 7: They stop at a gym and ride the mechanical bull while waiting for a badger (someone who helps you illegally cross the border).  She descends the stairs in slow motion while Luke gapes in Girl of My Dreams squishiness. I was wondering when he would meet The Girl.

She actually works at the gym, at the smoothie bar.  While they are talking, Bulge Guy tells Luke, "I know that look. You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?"  Hey, that will ruin his chances with The Girl.

Turns out that she's not really a badger.   But she has nothing else to do today, and Bulge Guy always has "crazy, fun" ideas, so why not?

More after the break

"Teacup": Body-jumping aliens, two heterosexual romances, a gay subtext boyfriend betrayal, and Rob's knob

Probably-gay actor Jackson Kelley notes that he had a starring role in the paranormal horror Teacup, on Peacock. I figured he would be playing a gay character, so I checked it out.

The premise: On a farm full of good country folk, animals start behaving strangely, then people start trembling and speaking in riddles.  The power and WIFI go out. 

An invisible "teacup" trap marked by a blue line appears around the property; any person or animal that crosses it dies a horrible death.  A guy in a gas mask keeps patroling and gesturing.  Sound doesn't get through, so he uses a board to say things like: "Stay behind the line" and "Trust no one" 

The people trapped inside the "teacup" are divided into heterosexual nuclear families:

Family #1: James (Scott Speedman, left, from Animal Kingdom), his wife (a veterinarian), sick elderly mother, teenage daughter, and preteen son.

Family #2: Ruben (Chaske Spencer from Twilight), his wife, and his teeange son, trapped there when they brought their horse to see the veterinarian.   

Soap opera plotlines: The wife is secretly having an affair with James, and the son has been in love with James' daughter since he was in second grade, but is trapped in the Friend Zone (but not for long). 

Family #3: Donald Kelley (Boris McGiver. left) and his wife from the farm next door also happen to be there when the teacup is  put up.

The Newcomers: While everyone is dealing with the crisis and soap opera stuff, preteen Arlo (Caleb Dolden) tells his sister and her not-boyfriend that the Assassin is coming to kill them all.  The only way they can escape is with a multicolored liquid from a crashed meteor, so they gather a vial full.

Gas Mask Guy wants the vial, and crosses the blue line to get it, whereupon they stab him.  

Meanwhile, James finds the injured Travis (Jackson) hiding in the basement, worried that he's "one of them" and ready to shoot.  As they have a standoff, Travis tells his story:

Gas Mas Guy at a Bar: Flashback to Travis as the new guy working at the bar, mesmerized by Gas Mask Guy, McNab (Rob Morgan).  Wouldn't you be?

Left: Rob Morgan having coffee n*ude.  But he doesnt' have a lot of tattoos; maybe it's his breakfast companion?

He's telling about the aliens who set force-field "teacup" traps that incinerate any complex organism that tries to get through.  They're non-corporeal, using human bodies as hosts.  They can jump from body to body.  Often the humans aren't even aware of it, so anyone could be hosting an alien.

Bartender Big Al tells Travis to pay attention to the other customers; he'll wait on McNab himself.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Matt Cornett: "Bella and the Bulldogs" and "High School Musical" alum shows his d*ck . With gratuitous Buddy Keaton

Several years ago, I reviewed the Nickelodeon teencom Bella and the Bulldogs (2015-16), about a girl on the previously all-boy football team.  The premise sounded like a critique of gender polarization, acknowledging that sometimes boys like to cook and date other boys, but, at least in the episode I watched, there were no queer codes at all. Even  the obviously gay boy had a crush on a girl.

Now I'm profiling some former Nickelodeon/Disney teencom stars who informed our childhoods.  Should I go with the Bella cast member who is gay but has no adult videos online, or the one who is straight but shows us his stuff?

Buddy Keaton (née Handleson), the gay guy, played Newt Van der Rohe, a geek with an unrequited crush on the geek-hating Sophie.  Eventually she warms up to him.

I believe that the expression is "woof!," not "bark!"

Matt Cornett, the straight guy, played Zach Barnes, a player from a rival team who invited Bella to the homecoming dance, but uninvited her when his teammates disapproved (Two houses, both alike in dignity....).   After a few more "are they or aren't they?" episodes, they kiss.

Ok, Buddy with just some beefcake, or Matt with the Full Monty?

That's what I thought.

After Bella, Matt Cornett did the guest-spot circuit, playing girls' crushes (in Speechless, Game Shakers, and The Goldbergs), a girl's boyfriend (in Life in Pieces), a girl's friend (in the Middle), and for a change of pace, a bully murdered by one of his victims in Criminal Minds 

Also A-Lan in Disney's Zombies 3, which adds aliens to the already crowded world of zombies and werewolves.  He is dating the female alien A-Li.

But Matt is best known as jock-turned-thesbian E. J. Caswell in High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (2019-23).  The rationale for the clunky name: it's a tv series about high school students putting on the musical based on the movie High School Musical (which starred Zac Efron as the jock-turned-thesbian). 

In later seasons, they put on musicals based on the Disney films Beauty and the Beast, Frozen, and High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

Anxious to get to Matt's junk?  After the break.  Caution: Explicit

Matthew Jeffers: Elizabethan earl, comedic foil, gay dwarf who fights aliens. With bonus short guys.

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"Solar Opposites": Do Korvo and Terry act like a married couple? Do they call each other 'husbands?' Do they have sex?

Solar Opposites (2020-) is a Hulu animated series about two aliens, their replicants, and their pupa,  who flee from their doomed planet and crash-land on Earth.  During Season 1, showrunner Justin Roiland addressed the question of whether male adults Korvo (Justin Roiland, Dan Stevens) and Terry (Thomas Middleditch, left) were a gay couple.  He said that since their species practices asexual reproduction, they don't have sex, and therefore they can't be gay.  Jerk, thinking that being gay is purely about sex.  What about romantic partnerships? 

Apparently he changed his mind.  The fan wiki states that Korvo and Terry became a romantic couple between Seasons 1 and 2.  But how romantic are they?  Do they say anything?  Do anything?  Or do you have to just infer from gay subtexts? To check, I reviewed some episodes, either because the premise sounded interesting or because there was a hot guest star.

Episode 2.1: The Solar Opposites discover another refugee group from their home planet, living in London!  But it turns out that they have a disturbing hidden agenda.  No indication that Korvo and Terry are romantic partners.  With the voice of Thomas Lennon, the grotesque gay-stereotype cop in Reno 911 (left: his butt)

Episode 2.2: Korvo hates dinner parties, so he declares them illegal and starts a police force to seek out forbidden dinner party paraphernalia.  Things turn deadly: people are turned into wine.  During the denouement, Korvo and Terry kiss.

Episode 2,3: Yumyulack, the "teenage boy" replicant, invents a ray that gives him a huge penis -- not for sex, for the power that goes with it.  He makes it bigger and bigger, until it threatens to destroy the world.  No indication that Korvo and Terry are a romantic couple.

Episode 3.2  Korvo wants to take up a hobby, but everything he tries, Terry is already doing, and doing better.  In frustration, he goes into a toy train shop.  The manager thinks that he's just pretending to be interested in trains to beat his "alien husband."

Episode 3.3 Terry shows Korvo the joy of standing in line, and introduces him to his "line husband," Linus (Adam Pally).  Line husband and regular husband jealously snipe at each other, until Korvo finally wins Terry's heart. (Left: Dan Stevens' butt)

Alien bulge and dick after the break