"Disclosure Day": Incessant heterosexism as the aliens announce their existence, 26 years too late. With Tommy dick and Boss Hogg butt

 

Today we saw Disclosure Day (2026) at the theater.  I'm not happy.  The plot is all mushed up, but I'll try to disentangle it.

The Kidnapping: We begin at a wrestling match, which gives us some beefcake.  But things go downhill fast.  Danny (Josh O'Connell) is there to hand over a backpack to the Bad Guys who have kidnapped his coworker or girlfriend or sister (we aren't sure which). Why is it always a kidnapped girl?  Why can't it ever be a guy?

 But he points an alien magic wand at them, and they're so flustered that they let him and the Girl drive away.  They hide out at the convent where she used to be a nun.

Big reveal: they only just started dating.  He's upset that she didn't inform him of her religious past, and she's upset because he has a briefcase with something that Bad Guys kidnapped her to get.

The Cardinal: Weather girl Margaret and her boyfriend (Wyatt Russell) are having problems.  She keeps being dissatisfied by the town they're living in, and insisting that they move, but Jackson likes it in Kansas City.  Also, her father died when she was 17, there's a pesky missing time incident from when she was 10, and animals and birds keep staring at her.

Today she was stared at by a cardinal, and suddenly could speak Russian.  She's late for work, so she zooms through downtown Kansas City, and when a cop stops her, gets out of a ticket by telling him about his marital problems, and advising him on how to reconcile with his wife.

At the studio, Margaret is going on the air in a few minutes, but she has to translate the Korean of a guy who is being interviewed but did not bring along an interpreter, stare at three people and give them advice about their marital partners (all heterosexual, over and over and over).  When she starts her broadcast, she begins speaking in a click language, then collapses.

The Big Reveal:  Danny is actually working for a guy named Hugo, who sends Operative Santiago (Tommy Martinez, nude after the break) to drive them to a safe house.  There he tells his Girlfriend that he has tapes documenting 70 years of the Evil Corporation harassing aliens: confiscating their crashed spaceships, stealing their technology, dissecting their corpses, imprisoning and torturing survivors.  An advanced alien civilization let this happen without retaliation?  Why aren't our cities smoking ruins?

The Evil Corporation wants to keep all of this hidden, because if the public finds out, they will panic.  Girlfriend thinks that if the public finds out, they will stop believing in God and start worshipping the aliens.  (She even telephones the convent to ask, but the Mother Superior says that her belief in God wouldn't be affected by aliens.)

Going North:  At the hospital, everything checks out.   The doctor asks about the missing time and her father's death, and suggests that Margaret began speaking in Russian, Korean, and the click language because she's under stress.  Really?   I'm under stress -- could I learn Mandarin?  

Margaret intuits that the Evil Corporation has sent goons to kill her, so she asks Boyfriend Jackson (left) to help her to the bathroom.  For some reason the bathroom opens out onto a hallway, and they can escape.  Margaret insists that they drive north to find "Danny."  She doesn't know who he is, but she wants to find him.  Boyfriend Jackson humors her for awhile, but finally he's had enough, and calls the hospital to fetch her  She scrams.

The Crucifix:   While Danny is out looking for cell phone to call Boss Hugo, the Head Corporate Guy -- I'll call him Boss Hogg because he looks and acts like a corrupt Southern sheriff in a 1970s trucker movie --  uses an alien magic wand to appear before the Girlfriend and force her to tell them where the safe house is.  "Oh, and if we don't get there in time, would you mind killing Danny yourself?"  She can avoid his mind control temporarily by jamming a crucifix into her hand, but it doesn't work for long.  

Left: Danny dick, in case you haven't seen it lately.

Meanwhile, Weather Girl Margaret calls Danny to warn him that Corporate Goons are coming to kill him.  He sees their 28 cars from a distance, but instead of running away, he steals one of the cars, grabs his Girlfriend, and zooms away with them in hot pursuit.  

That night, as they are sleeping in a hotel in Indiana (at least seven hours from Kansas City), Boss Hogg uses the alien technology to have Girlfriend reveal their location again!  Does Danny get smart and leave her there?  No, he shoves her out the bathroom window and allows himself to be captured. 

More after the break