Mayfair Witches: Two of them, with interlocking stories, a swishy straight guy, and a demon dick

 

Netflix has just dropped a lot of paranormal tv shows: A Discovery of Witches, Interview with a Vampire, The Preacher...I'll start with Mayfair Witches, which is based on a trilogy of books by Anne Rice, so there's bound to be some gay characters.

Scene 1: A sagging Gothic mansion. A man in a Depression-Era robin's egg blue suit appears on the front porch to give a staring, catatonic woman her Thorazine shot.  He's new, and can't believe that this is the patient: her file is so big, he thought she was elderly.

He reviews her file, and snoops among the weird books and artifacts in her library, including a photo of her as a 1920s flapper.  So she's immortal. Out on the porch, a man is talking to her, but when the doctor comes out, he is gone, and the maid says there was no man.  Eerie!

The rest of the episode juxtaposes stories of two women who look alike, so the only way to tell them apart is by their timelines: the first is contemporary, and the second looks to be in the 1950s. I don't know which is the catatonic one.

The Story of Woman #1: Rowan

Scene 1: Rowan pilots a boat into San Francisco Bay.  Her girlfriend arrives via Uber.  Nope, it's her mother.  

Scene 2:  A surgeon, Rowan is comforting the young boy she'll be operating on. Wait -- a male surgeon, Dr. Keck, took over the case to impress the sexist Board, but he's not operating right. She argues, but to no avail, and the boy almost dies  "Keck is a menace!" she exclaims. 

Scene 3: More tearjerking: Mom's cancer is back!  Plus we've only seen two male characters, neither cute.

Rowan tells the menace Dr. Keck that David Lemle was observing the surgery.  His company does research with stem cells for cancer patients, so could Dr. Keck arrange an introduction, so she can apply for a job as his research associate, so she can get her mother into the trials?  That sounds unethical, and really far-fetched. But Dr. Keck thinks she's arrogant, with a superiority complex.. As he is tearing into her, she hears whispers, something happens inside his brain, and he falls over dead!  

Scene 4: Rowan thinks she caused Dr. Keck's death.  Maybe her powers are genettc, but she's adopted, and there's no way to determine who her birth parents were.  

But the moment she leaves the room, Mom calls a facility and asks who Rowan's case worker is now: Ciprian Grieves, played by Tongayi Chirisa, left. That's a totally made up name.  She leaves a message: "My daughter is hurting people.  I need to know if something has changed."

Scene 5: In a bar, Rowan asks the bartender, Max (Jordan Cox) to have sex with her, but he has a date tonight.  So she goes after a random guy, and he relents.  

After sex, he wants to stick around, cuddle, and discuss their feelings, but she kicks him out: she's only in it for sex, not a relationship.  That's why she never sees the guy a second time.

Scene 6: Caseworker Ciprian Grieves goes to a house in New Orleans and uses his magic powers to look at the spirit world.  A mysterious spirit, played by Jack Huston, is lurking in the back yard.  He calls Rowan's Mom and tells her that He is nowhere near her daughter.  That's a good thing, right?  

Mom notes that she's dying of cancer, so who will protect Rowan when she's gone?  Ciprian volunteers.

More after the break

Dennis Quaid: Two gay guys, some cops, a shrunken scientist, a footballer, and is that a dick shot?

 

Nazarenes didn't go to many movies, since it was a major sin, but in the summer of 1979 I managed to see the buddy comedy Breaking Away.  In the university town of Bloomington, Indiana, a group of working-class boys contemplate their future while swimming semi-nude in the limestone quarry where their dads work.  The hunky Mike (Dennis Quaid) wants to "light out to the territory" and become a cowboy. Moocher (Jackie Earl Haley) wants to marry his girlfriend. Dave (Dennis Christopher), wants to become Italian and win The Girl.

But you could easily ignore the heterosexist plot and concentrate on the primal beauty of the four friends sunning on the limestone.  In the end it was about friendship.

There's a more explicit, girl-free gay subtext in Enemy Mine (1985:  a future soldier named David and his enemy, a Drac named "Jerry" (Louis Gossett Jr.), are stranded on an alien planet,  and develop a touching, homoromantic bond.  They end up having a child together (boy Dracs don't need girl Dracs to get pregnant). When Jerry dies, David raises the child alone, and after they are rescued, returns with him to the Drac planet.

Dennis shows his butt for the first time -- but not the last -- in The Big Easy, a 1986 neo-noir about a New Orleans cop who plays by his own rules -- don't they all? -- and falls in love with a girl.

There's also reputedly a dick shot, but I can't find it.  Unless this is it.

Or this blob as he prepares to have sex with his girlfriend.

More Quaid after the break

Looking: Gay dudebros look for love and sex, with countless directorial tricks and some nudity

(Apparently the "sensitive content" tag was just some homophobe complaining about gay content, so I've put the nudity and word "gay" back into this review)

Looking. on MAX (2014-15), is a gay-themed comedy-drama about a group of 30-ish gay men looking for love and sex in San Francisco.  I lived in San Francisco for two years, so maybe I can get some nostalgia going on: let's review Episode 1.1

Scene 1: Paddy (Jonathan Groff, below) is meeting a stranger in the  park. The guy refuses kissing or conversation, just starting a hand job. That's it?  What are you, amateurs?  At least get on your knees. Suddenly Paddy's cell phone rings -- he thinks it's his mother, because who else calls these days? -- and he scrams. 

Scene 2: Paddy's friends, Richie (Raul Castillo) and Dom (Murray Bartlett), who drink all the time, praise him for getting a hookup: now he can finally call himself a pervert. They discuss booze on the bus (I never once rode a bus, either. It was Muni, BART, or drive and spend an hour looking for a parking space)

Scene 3: They guys are talking about a bachelor party. I'm rather confused. One of the grooms invited his ex-boyfriend, which is a bad idea, but is Paddy the ex-boyfriend, or are they talking about someone else?  Paddy criticizes Gabe (one of the grooms?) for being too fat, but the others criticize his body-shaming.  They also reference Frank. OMG, introduce your characters!  Dom discusses how much he loves booze; at least he has  a character tag.

 

Scene 4:  Morning. Establishing shot of a quiet San Francisco hill, not Castro Street. Paddy awakens to the sound of two guys having sex in the next room and says "Oh my God."  You got a problem with gay sex homophobe?

The two guys (who may be Dom and Richie) seem to be giving each other hand jobs (Doesn't anyone in San Francisco do the more usual things?).  But one of them realizes that he's late for an appointment; "This guy might take the room" -- Tara's friend --  so he leaves.  Ok, the guy with the appointment calls his partner "My Little Cuban Sandwich," so he must be Augustin (Frankie Alvarez). 

More plot: the guy with the appointment keeps asking Augustin to move in, but he usually refuses.  He's agreeing today because he "can't afford the City anymore."  Wait -- the establishing shot was the City.  Aren't these the guys who are having sex in Paddy's apartment?

Scene 5: Breakfast. Paddy talking to a guy we can't see, so the big reveal will be a surprise.  He heard the guy and Frank having sex through the wall.  Frank must be the guy with the appointment, played by O.T. Fagbenle.  I assume it's a stage name/

Another guy walks in -- Augustin?  And Paddy was discussing Frank, so who is the guy he is talking to? The camera moves back -- he is talking to an empty chair, or I guess to Augustin when he was still in the other room.  Ok, at least we know that these are the guys having sex in Scene 5, except they think it's Oakland, when it is clearly San Francisco.

Frank calls from the bathroom that he needs a towel, and Paddy mocks him for it.  Yeah, wanting to dry off after a shower, what a loser!  But I guess if you have to criticize everybody all the time, you start grasping at straws fast.

Scene 6: Frank finishes his shower, but he's in another apartment, talking to a woman.  This is probably a Frank lookalike, shown taking a shower to confuse us. He wants to call Ethan but the woman disapproves because Ethan tried to kill him. "He did not!  He just threatend to! Besides, when we were together, you tried to kill me a bunch of times."  Ok, the woman is Frank Lookalike's ex girlfriend.  

Next order of business: the Frank Lookalike is thinking of getting into real estate.  Ex-Girlfriend laughs at him. "You -- somebody like you -- in real estate?  Don't be ridiculous!"  She doesn't explain why it's ridiculous, but I guess everybody just has to mock everything.  "Is there any coffee?"  "What an idiotic question!  Jerk!"  

Scene 7: A guy who wears glasses going to work in a cubicle with a computer. Paddy?  But he looks completely different! His coworker, Owen (Andrew Law), drops by to criticize him.  Seeing that Paddy is on the OK Cupid dating site, he ridicules his choice:  "Wait -- he's a doctor, and you think he'd date an idiot like you? Plus he's a swimmer.  You're too clueless to swim."  He then comes out as straight, with a girlfriend, Bethany. Named characters so far: 10. The Frank Lookalike and his ex have not been named yet, so 12 altogether.

Paddy accepts the date anyway - at the Press Club tonight -- and sends him a winking emoji.  Owen criticizes both the dating venue and the emoji, of course.

Scene 8: Augustin at work, maybe doing set design.  A woman introduces him to Scotty (Tanner Cohen), his assistant for the day. They have fun criticizing the design (aren't you the one who designed it, dude?)

Scene 9: Four suit-types at lunch, complaining that they can't get the wine they got last time.  The waiter recommends something else, "a nice full-bodied red, spicy but easy on the pallete, with notes of fruit and coca" It's so much easier when you don't drink: "Diet Coke, please.  Sure, Pepsi is fine."  

Hey, the waiter is the Frank Lookalike, who wants to go into real estate! He goes to the bar to complain about the suits: "they look like a bunch of filthy dog-f*kers."  Rather harsh, even for a culture where everybody ridicules everything.

Another waiter tries to console him: "Just keep on putting positive energy out into the universe."  When he leaves, Frank Lookalike criticizes him, then asks the bartender for his name.  Bartender: "No. Whenever you sexually harass a new guy, he quits."

Scene 9: Paddy checks his hair in a store window.  A guy inside smiles at him.  He recoils in disgust and moves on to the Polo Club, or whatever it is. His date introduces himself as Benjamin (Matthew Wilkas, left and top photo)  Hey, where are Paddy's friends Richie and Dom from the first scenes?  I thought they were going to be major characters.

Benjamin criticizes Paddy's job in video game development (of course), then asks "are you disease and drug free?"  Is this a date or a physical, Doctor?  But Paddy gets even, criticizing Benjamin's misquoting of Khalil Gibran (a famous poet from the hippie era).  Then he discusses how desperate he is to get laid (bad move, dude).  He was so desperate yesterday that he had a hookup in the park!  Benjamin, looking for romance rather than anonymous encounters, is not pleased.  "This isn't working. Bye!"

Scene 10: Back to Augustin and Scotty flirting while criticizing things.  Wait -- Scotty is flirting with another guy (maybe Augustin's boyfriend Frank)!  They met at Darren and Anthony's Cinco de Mayo party.   They start an encounter right there in the -- stage?  Kissing, and it looks like Augustin is going downtown.

Scene 11:  A guy flirts with Paddy on the bus.  Paddy still has Benjamin's card, so he pretends to be a resident in oncology. The guy introduces himself: Richie, a cosmetologist.  Wait -- then who was Paddy's friend in the first two scenes?

Cut to the Frank Lookalike at work at the fancy restaurant. On his break, he's eating lamb with merguez (lamb sausage).  He offers a bite to a guy off camera, so we'll be surprised by the big reveal -- surprise!  It's Liam, the waiter he criticized/liked earlier. "So, want to grab a drink?" Frank Lookalike asks, "Or we could just go back to your place."  Geez, forward.  Have you spoken two words to this guy?  

Scene 12:  Paddy telling his friend Dom (from scene 1, remember?) that he gave the guy (Richie) the wrong card!  "I was just so angry at that doctor."  Your fault for discussing a public h**kup on a first date. "What about the bus guy?"  "He came on too strong, and he's not my type."  Weren't you desperate to get laid ten minutes ago? 

Paddy heads to the bathroom, and is shocked to see a guy off camera, so we'll be surprised at the big reveal -- someone I don't recognize, but they both agree that it's awkward to be pissing into the same trough. This must be the very late-night bachelor party, and Paddy is the ex-boyfriend.  

Hey, Frank Lookalike is Dom from Scene 1!  He complains that the guy he invited home said no -- the first time that has ever happened. Not true -- the bartender said that Frank Lookalike/Dom tries to have sex with lots of the male waiters, and they always quit.  Paddy complains that he has too many bad  dates. 

Out on the street, after the bachelor party, Paddy looks depressed, and then goes to the club where Richie from the bus works. The end.

Beefcake: Some bare chests.

San Francisco: Some random street scenes.

Number of Characters: Too many to keep track of, and they look different from scene to scene.  And who the heck is the non-Richie in the first scene?  Or was that a time jump?

Update: It was Augustin!  Their photos look alike on the IMDB, and Richie gets second billing, so I figured he must be the second friend.

Talking to Someone Off Camera: A device to be used only occasionally, when the identity of the person will be a big surprise.  Used here all the time.  I'm still mad about Paddy talking to an empty chair, so when Augustin comes in, you think there are three people in the room.

Trick Cuts: Instantaneous cuts between two people doing the same thing, so you think it's the same person. Fooled you, har har.  It's a dirty trick, especially in the first episode where you're trying to keep track of 300 characters.

Criticizing Everything: This was actually fun.  Every time I thought "Such an innocuous statement. They couldn't possibly criticize it," they did!

My Grade:  Not a lot of nostalgia here, and too many tricks. B

Shhh -- I hid some nude guys after the break:

"Jexi": Dull romcom enlivened by Adam Devine's comedic delivery and penis

 I'm going to review Jexi (2019) in spite of its 19% score on Rotten Tomatoes and awful reviews.  Adam Devine's movies often emphasize gay subtexts and minimize heterosexual hijinks (does he ever actually kiss a girl?), and besides, he's fun to watch in almost anything.

Scene 1: The boy Phil is having dinner with his parents, bored by their adult heterosexual conversation, so they give him a phone. Not a smart phone, but still, he is mesmerized. 

Cut to a few years later: parents still ignoring Phil, who escapes through the cell phone.  

Cut to the adult Phil (Adam Devine) sleeping alone in a double bed (aww, he's lonely).  He picks up his cell phone and continues looking at it while brushing his teeth, pooping, showering, and walking through San Francisco.  Gay Mecca?  Bound to be some gay characters.  But he's not alone: he's in a sea of humanity, all of them staring at their cell phones.  No human interaction at all.  Gee, the message of this movie is so subtle, it's hard for me to figure out.  Are they pro or anti cell phone?

Scene 2: He works at Chatterbox, some sort of web service, making lists. The Boss (Michael Peña) upbraids the staff for not creating lists "that break the internet."   So: "Beautiful Asian girl, what you got?" Sexist jerk. "Ten reasons that cupcakes are over."

 "Prison lips?" "Cats that look like Ryan Gosling." Why is Phil "prison lips"?  What are prison lips?  

Answer: lips that look like you'd be good at sucking cock. Great, now the image of Adam doing that will be in my head all day. 

Phil tells his back story to coworker Craig: Journalism degree from UC Davis, wanted to be a serious journalist, stuck writing clickbait lists. So, I wanted to teach seminars in gay history at an Ivy League college, not grade 500 intro papers where the students think that 1956 was in the 19th century.

Craig and an androgynous coworker who may be gay invite Phil to play kickball tonight, but he  refuses: Sorry, I can't make it.  I got a thing."  I don't get it.  Why doesn't he want to make friends?  

Scene 3:  Phil at home, telling Siri to order him Chinese food and turn on Netflix.  Then he posts a picture of the San Francisco skyline on Facebook and goes to bed, being sad and lonely.  You're in the gay capital of the world. Go to a gay bar, or a sex club, or a meeting of the gay kickball league.  There might be ladies out there, too, if you're into that.

Scene 4:  Next day in the cell phone-infused world.  Whoops, Phil bumps into a woman, knocking her over and dropping his cell phone. He panics: "Oh God, are you ok?"  But he's talking to his cell phone, har har!  Dude, you could have had a meet-cute!   

She is angry at first, but then notices his hotness and starts to flirt.  Her name is Cate, and she owns a bike shop. It took 8 minutes for Phil to be established as probably heterosexual.  That's a record.  As they continue their embarrasingly awkward flirtation, a biker crashes into Phil, destroying his cell phone!

Scene 5: Wanda Sykes, the cell phone lady, says that they can't repair Phil's phone.  She complains that hipsters are constantly coming in, crying over their broken cell phones like crackheads.  "I'm not a crackhead!" Phil exclaims.  "No, you're worse. Crackheads get off the couch every now and then." 

Cut to Phil unpacking his new phone.  His AT assistant, Jexi, downloads his info from the cloud.  Then he asks her to order him Chinese food, but she orders a "child-sized kale salad."   "See, the user agreement gave me permission to override your commands." Uh-oh.

Scene 6: Jexi changes Phil's usual alarm to "Wake up, Bitch!"  She laughs at his dick in the shower (no beefcake).  He's driving to work today instead of taking a cable car like before, and she disapproves of his choice of easy-listening car music -- "This song sucks a bag of dicks!" Hey, Jexi is homophobic!  She changes it to a rap song about a playa having sex with a ho.

Then she wants him to turn left onto the 6-lane bumper-to-bumper Market Street -- I've had the GPS tell me to do things like that, too -- and when he refuses, calls him a "fucking pussy" and tells him to "strap on a sack" (get balls?).  

Left: Kenny Lorenzetti, who plays a security guard at the Fillmore during the Kid Cudi concert scene.  Not much beefcake in this movie except for Adam's butt and penis.

Scene 7: The Boss lecturing on the pillars of internet click-bait lists: cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family.  The androgynous coworker may be wearing a rainbow-flag t-shirt.  While Phil sits bored, Jexi chimes in with another appointment.  He doesn't have one: she just wanted to get him out of "this dumb fucking meeting.  Also, this powerpoint presentation sucks, and your boss is a moron."  She won't turn off, so Phil has to run out of the meeting.

He asks Jexi to run a diagnostic: "200,000 defects."  But when Phil tries to exchange her for a new phone, she claims "0 defects.  Also it's time for your butt waxing appointment." He wants a new phone anyway. Jexi threatens him: "Snitches get stitches."  

Scene 8: Phil unwraps his new phone.  But the new Jexi is as abrasive and controlling as the old one: She explains that, as software, she is in the cloud, and can download herself into any phone.  Plus she controls all of his accounts: "If you try to get rid of me or stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life!"  She intends to make his life better, whether he wants it or not. Shouldn't there be thousands of people having similar problems?

More after the break