Pizza Movie (2026), on Hulu, stars Sean Giambrone of The Goldbergs and Gaten Matarazzo of Stranger Things as college boys who accidentally get stoned on a weird drug. I haven't seen a teen nerd movie for awhile; I wonder if they're still about the nerd winning the Girl of His Dreams with the help of his flamboyantly feminine best friend, while everyone throws homophobic slurs about. It appears on a list of "The Top LGBTQ Movies to Watch This Spring," so maybe not.
Scene 1: Room check in a college dorm. A student stashes her drugs in a tin in the ceiling tiles.
Ten years later, Montgomery (Sean) is frantically running across campus with a laundry basket. He reaches the laundromat just in time to take all the quarters in the change machine. When the Girl of His Dreams (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) arrives, he's reading a book on How to Lower Your Testosterone, so he can impress her with his studliness when she asks for quarters. Or you could just say hello.
"We're always here at the same time," she notes.
"Well, nobody has dirtier underwear than me. But not from poop...or piss, or cum. I'm not weird." I'm just wondering what else could soil your underwear.
Scene 2: Montage of two guys chugging beer (outside, in the daytime); a girl thinking that a guy is sketchng her, but he's actuallly sketchng himself; and Jack (Gaten) being chased and bullied because he ruined the football team. He tries to apologize, but they tape him to the clock tower and pelt him with water balloons full of piss (his suggestion).
Scene 3: The guys return to their dorm. Montgomery wants to "drown their sorrows" in a good night's sleep, while Jack wants to get drunk. They're a superego/id pair, got it. I'm going to keep calling them Sean and Gaten, to make identification easier.
The housing requests for next year are due tonight. They can choose from Orrick Tower, Stonewell Courts, or..ugh...the scary, crumbling Gralk Hall.
Suddenly Sean is distracted by the Girl of His Dreams. "Just ask her out!" Gaten exclaims, no doubt for the 300th time.
"No way! Hot girls only date Alpha guys, so I can't ask her out until I trick her into thinking that I'm an ALpha." I'll bet she really likes the quiet, shy geeky types.
"But you don't know her. How do you know that you have compatible interests?"
"Who cares? She makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender, being sung to by lollipop pixies." Ugh.
Up to their room. No posters of nekkid ladies. They're just getting ready to drink, when six bullies burst in, three girls and three guys, including Kevin Matthew Reyes (left).
They come in every week to hold the guys down and fart in their faces in retaliation for the football incident. In the struggle the drug tin from the ceiling falls down.
While sitting on the guys' faces waiting to fart, they discuss the "pajama party tonight." They have beer and weed, and Lizzy (Lulu Wilson) is bringing Wizard's Oath, a Dungeon's and Dragons-style board game. The others dismiss this idea.
As they leave, Lizzy looks back, sympathetic.
I like the way that the guys have no problem with physical contact, even with Gaten's face two inches from Sean's cock, a welcome relief from the usual: "We accidentally touched hands!!!! I'm going to be sick!!!!!"
Scene 4: The guys discuss how they are failures at college. They should be popular, going to keggers and pajama parties, but everybody hates them. Sean tries to make things better by ordering a pizza.
Suddenly Gaten sees the tin that fell from the ceiling: it says "Mints," with a green, toothy smile. Inside, tablets with a starburst image. An internet search gets one hit, a youtube video with a "psychedelic adventurer" tell us about Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants (MINTS, get it?). Sean is hesitant, but then she uses his "cloud of lavender" fantasy, and he's in.
Scene 5: The evil Head RA (Jack Martin) tells his subordinates about the "debauchery" infesting their school. Is this RAs for the whole campus? There are like 30 of them, all wearing black berets.
Meanwhile, in the dorm room, the bullies discuss how much the guys blow. Hey, the men and women aren't divided into couples! Sympathetic Lizzy tries to defend them, and is un-invited to the pajama party-- until she offers to provide a party bus. Then she rules.
There are too many plot twists to continue the scene by scene. Here's the gist:
Turns out that Lizzy used to be the guys' friend. They played Wizard's Oath every day at lunch. Then she joined the cool kids and dropped them. But she took the drug, thinking that it was a mint, now they're in it together.
Everyone hates Gaten because as team mascot, he was leading the football team on their traditional naked run, and decided to prank a professor that he hated. They chased the guy out of the stadium and onto the street. past the police department on a "bring your daughter to work day." They all had to register as sex offenders. Wait -- why didn't the guys just stop at the stadium exit?
More after the break
The Girl of Sean's Dreams turns out to sing for a heavy-metal thrash-core band. Her instrument is Dylan: she tortures him, and modulates his screams.
The evil RA is kidnapping students that he doesn't like, stealing their cell phones, and submitting housing requests to the soul-destroying Gralk Hall.
The drug has six distinct phases, interspliced by periods of lucidity. To stop the effects, you must eat pizza, so the main goal of the evening is to get to the pizza they ordered, as it is hidden, stolen, and thrown about.
First Phase: Performing with talking hands and a Pinocchio puppet whose nose touches them inappropriately, with the goal of "Making Baby Like It." .
Second Phase: No Bad Words, or your head will explode.
Third Phase: Flashbacks, which allow you to change the past.
Fourth Phase: Switcheroo. Gaten and Lizzy change bodies, and Sean changes bodies with his pet butterfly (voiced by Daniel Radcliffe). Butterfly Sean exclaims "I desire nectar!" and eats a guy's shirt.
Fifth Phase: Nothing But the Truth: you reveal your darkest secrets.
Sixth Phase: We Are All One, which turns out to be "we will merge into a guy named Juan" (Miguel Garcia).
Final Phase: Your worst nightmare shoves a chainsaw up your butt. Sean's worst nightmare is the Rat King from The Nutcracker, Lizzy's is her bullying fifth grade self, and Gaten's is his boring future self.
In the end, the three get their pizza.
The Evil RA is defeated.
Sean rejects the Girl of His Dreams and holds hands with Lizzy (the girl-next-door in the standard teen nerd movies)
The three become friends again.
And we see the horrible reality behind the universe.
Beefcake: The football team's butts, several shirtless guys.
Heterosexism: None. There's a kissing couple in the background at the pajama party, but none of the characters except Sean expresses the slightest heterosexual interest. Not even Gaten.
The bullies consist of three boys and three girls, but they don't sit together. There are no girl-in-bikini posters on any boy's dorm room wall. This rather an astounding development.
Gay Characters: Sean and Gaten hug constantly, discuss how much they love each other, and break up and reconcile. I would usually classify them as a gay-subtext couple, but Sean is obviously straight, and Gaten strikes me as asexual/aromantic. Otherwise, nothing is specified.
My Grade: A lot of surreal plot twists, but too much scatological humor (why does Lizzy carry a baggie full of poop in her purse?). And the absence of explicitly-defined gay characters pushes the grade down to a B.
Below: this review was a little cock-light, so I posted one of Daniel Radcliffe (the voice of Sean's pet butterfly).
See also: Harry Potter's privates: Daniel Radcliffe's top 12 nude, beefcake, and gay-subtext performances.
Shayne Topp: Nickelodeon teen, Barry's buddy, bodybuilder, sketch comedian who pretends to be gay and have a massive d*ck. We'll see. With Sean Giambrone.
The Top 10 Hunks of "Stranger Things," Season 3, Plus Some of the Plot. With Gaten Matarazzo.
No comments:
Post a Comment