Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of Your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters

 

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's j/o video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes ofAustin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014.  He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some rear nudity in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician.  The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father.  It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.  

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys.  He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life. 

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah.  It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More butts and one cock after the break

Max Brumberg: Slovakian flute crafter, drag theologian, Russian-Austrian-Uzbek actor. With bonus Uzbek dicks

 

I don't know what led me to the 2021 movie Play it Cool, with someone named Reggiemolo (Alex Jason Lee King) on a cross-country trip where he's mistaken for a criminal and meets The Girl -- the trailer shows them kissing a thousand times, so it's definitely a "no way!"  But far down the cast list was a cute guy named Max Brumbaugh.

The name resonated because when I was a kid, there was an abandoned "haunted house" on my grandfather's property that belonged to the Brumbaugh family.  So I decided to research him.

Rather a difficult task.  First, his last name isn't Brumbaugh, it's Brunberg.  No, it's Brumberg, with an "m," and there are a lot of Max Brumbergs out there. 

1. Max Brumberg who makes flutes in the traditional manner, with traditional materials.  He makes Slovakian fujaras, Moldavian kavals, overtone flutes, double flutes, and many other types, out of his store in Sainte-Croix-Vallée-Français.

Another Max Brumberg is Max Brumberg-Kraus, he/him or they/them, the co-founder of the House of Larva Drag Co-operative.  They perform as drag persona Çicada L’Amour, produce both small acts and full-length queer peformance art, and belong to ARC community: "a creative collaboration for theopoetics."

They graduated from the United Theological Seminary in 2020 with a  M.A. in theology and the arts, and research interests in queer temporality, queer and feminist theology, cosmology, mythopoetics, ancient tragedy, midrash, embodiment, and reception theory.   They're the author of The(y)-ology: Mythopoetics for Gay/Trans Liberation.

Then there's the grad student at the Institute of Russian History in Moscow, and his aroused cucumber.

From Linkedin, IMDB, and an article in Voyager, I've pieced together the life of Max Brumberg, actor.  Of Uzbek and Russian Jewish ancestry.

Top photo: Uzbek guy

Fluent in English, French, German, and Russian.  Not Uzbek?

 Grew up in Vienna got a M.S. in real estate from Newcastle University in Britain, and took a job in Real Estate Structured Finance Sales, traveling between Vienna, Belgrade, and Bucharest while acting in commercials and doing stand-up comedy. 

Left: Tajik guy from Russia

While he was working as a manager at Saxon Bank in Zurich, Max realized that "something was missing...there was a void in my life." So he moved to L.A. and enrolled at the Stella Adler School of Acting. 

So far he has only six acting credits on the IMDB:

More after the break

Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.9: A Medieval Serbian book, a gay subtext, daddy/twink porn, and maybe a Skyler dick

 

I haven't reviewed an episode of Santa Clarita Diet for awhile, mainly because the first episode I watched was kind of gross.  Also, after posting reviews of twelve of Skyler Gisondo's movies, four photo collections, and a lot of stuff on Gideon Gemstone, I'm running out of pictures of Skyler with his shirt off. 

And no cock shots at all, unless you count the one in the bonus photos, below.  So we'll have to make do with a fully clothed Skyler.

The premise: Suburban housewife Sheila has become a zombie.  She's fully sentient, but she lacks impulse control, is unusually horny, and has to eat human flesh.  While looking for a cure, her annoyingly amoral family helps her find victims. Skyler plays the guy who knows their secret, next-door neighbor Eric, who happens to be an expert on zombies.

I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "The Book," because it involves the search for a medieval Serbian manuscript, and who wouldn't be interested in that? 

Scene 1: While Zombie Sheila bags up human meat for later, Husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant, left) has had a breakthrough: Anton, who owns the Medieval Serbian book that mentions a zombie cure, has finally responded to his emails and texts. He can meet them at a paranormal conference in Oxnard today.

But then a cop appears with daughter Abby, who was arrested for runing a stop sign in a motorcycle with no plates or VIN number, wearing a jacket saying "Pussy Magnet."  Hey, the "Pussy Magnet" is legal. The girl likes what she likes.

Abby is obviously in psychological pain from dealing with the zombie situation, so Sheila will spend the day with her.  Husband Joel can go to the paranormal conference with ally Eric. 

I'll review the two plotlines separately.

Mother-Daughter Bonding

Scene 1: Zombie Sheila and Abby return the motorcycle of a guy she killed to his brother, Lonnie (Alex Scuby), who runs a chop shop out of a storage locker. He took Abby's money but didn't fix her bike, so she wants her money back.  Wait, I thoiugh it belonged to the dead guy? Were there two bikes?

Lonnie tells them that his brother was a "stupid fucking idiot" who ripped people off, so they're out of luck.  He closes the garage-door and won't let them in. He's not responsbile for his brother's debts, ladies.

Left: Alex Scuby has appeared in a porno about two older-younger gay couples who swap partners.

Scene 2: In their storage locker, which is the size of a small apartment, Sheila and Daughter Abby look for something to use to get the money back from Lonnie.  There's teargas that Abby stole from Eric's stepfather before Dad killed him, but Sheila wants to teach Abby a life-lesson and use a non-violent solution: how about Raffi, that annoyingly repetitive kids' singer?  What makes you think Lonnie is still in there?

Scene 3: Hours  of playing and singing along to Raffi later, they give up, but Lonnie yells from inside "Turn Raffi back on!" They decide to tear gas him instead, but when they drop the tear gas canister down the vent, it hits the wrong storage locker!  Two innocent guys rush out.

Scene 4: Abby wants to know why Mom  Sheila is so dead-set, so to speak, on teaching her life lessons.  She explains that she is slowly decomposing, so she won't be around much longer, and has to make sure Abby will be ok.  Aww.

The Paranormal Conference

Scene 1: When Dad Joel arrives to pick up Eric, his mom announces "You have a gentleman caller."   Gay joke, har har.  Embarrassed, Eric tells her to not make everything sexual.    

He asks for advice on how to pack a hoodie, and claims to be upset over Joel murdering his stepfather with a shovel, but he's joking: the guy was an asshole. Is this casual attitude toward murder supposed to be humorous?

Scene 2: At the conference, Eric buys a churro-saber, but it's too long to be phallic.  

When Joel is rejected by the first person he talks to, Eric explains: these are all introverts with low self-esteem, and he scares them away by being too aggressive and too handsome: "with those piercing eyes and perfect posture."  So you think he's hot, Eric? 

Scene 3: They find Anton, Derek Waters, talking to a crowd about government conspiracies: During the 1950s, they exploded thousands of nukes over Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific.  In 2012, a man in Florida eats another man's face.  Coincidence?  "If you believe that, I've got a Japanese sex doll to sell you. Unused."  Because he gets so many partners that he doesn't need it?

Nerd Ryan, Ravi Patel, asks about an outbreak of the undead in 19th century Poland.  Yep: Rybik, 1870. Three priests walk into a tavern, and get eaten.

Joel asks about the Medieval Serbian book.  Yep, Pozica, 16th Century.  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstone Season 3 Memes, Part 1: Dildos, a limp wrist, a nice Satanist boy, and what Stephen fantasizes about

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones, their friends, and a few random hunks.  Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

1. Applied to join Kelvin's God Squad, rejected for being too big

2. Careful, one of your dildos escaped

3. Need help with that toy?

Need someone to show you how to use a double-headed dildo?  Go find Kelvin and meet me in the steam showers.

4. "I be punching you in the uvula."

Diss my man again, and:

"Im'a shove my fist so far up your ass that you'll be kissing my ring from the inside."

"Your friends will think you're a Muppet"

"You'll be tastin' the hand job I gave him this morning."

"Your tonsils be chargin' me rent"

5. That nice Satanist boy

Keefe: Mama said I should marry that nice Satanist boy, but no, I had to pick Kelvin Gemstone.

 

6. A nice Satanist boy.

Or maybe just a naked Emo

More after the break

That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and the Human Erection gets dumped. WIth Theo and Noah nudes

That 90s Show is a nostalic spin-off of That 70s Show, set 20 years later, with the children of the original cast hanging out in that basement: Jay, the pretty one (Mace Coronel, left); Nate, the stupid one (Maxwell Acee Donovan); Ozzie, the gay one (Reyn Doi); and three or four girls, it's hard to keep track.

While the other teens merge in and out of complicated love triangles and quadrangles, Ozzie is always being stymied in his quest for the elusive penis.  He has a long-distance boyfriend in Canada, who dumps him before we can meet him, and then a lost connection with Isaac (Raphael Alejandro) in Season 3.  I'm reviewing the episode where they go on their first date, "Life is a Highway."

Scene 1: Grandma Kitty, Grandpa Red, and Gwen's mom  are in the kitchen, doing stuff with meat, when Gwen's Dad Otis (Cedric Yarbrough) arrives with a big announcement: he was hit by a mail truck, and settled for $20,000, so he cand take a break from his truck driving job and spend some time with "his girls."

Gwen's Mom reveals a problem: whenever Gwen's Dad bangs into town, he's so charming that Mom jumps into bed with him, and then they start arguing, and Gwen is in the middle of it. Easy, Grandma Kitty says: "I'll just keep you from having sex with him."

Scene 2: Dad Otis is cooking in preparation for the big barbecue when his daughter Gwen and focus character Leia enter, wanting truck-driving lessons.

Scene 3: At the barbecue, Nate the Stupid One complains that he can't break up with his overbearing girlfriend, Betsy. He tried to break up, and she said "No."  Hey, wasn't this plot on Seinfeld around 1996?  

Dad Otis commiserates:  "I been there -- you lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones never let you go." Ulp, he's talking about Jay the Pretty One's sister!  

Ok, how to break up with her: "Tell her that you cheated with that little hottie." Ulp, he's talking about Jay's girlfriend! 

Scene 4: Nikki, yet another member of the basement gang, and Ozzie meet in the diner. 

Nikki's  problem: Her boyfriend, Theo (Anthony Turpel), just wants to kiss, and she's ready to go downtown, but he's shy, and she's never had to make the first move before.  Her last boyfriend was Nate the Stupid One, aka the Human Erection-- she'd just look down, and his cock would be in her hand. Whoa, these are teenagers. Let's keep it G-rated!

How can Nikki subtly inform him that she wants sex?  Ozzie suggests going to a movie, making sure there's a box of popcorn on his lap, reaching for some, and missing.  Where'd you learn that trick, boy?  Isn't this your first date?

Anthony Turpel, age 24, probably has some beefcake or nudes online.  I'll check after the break.

Ozzie's problem: He can't go to a kid's movie on his first date, but for a R-rated, he needs adults to buy the tickets.  

He asks Sonny and Bunch, an aging hippie couple, or heterosexual life partners -- it's hard to tell. They don't display any heterosexual interest in this episode, but they're played by Jay and Silent Bob, aka Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.  

They get all excited because they don't have any kids of their own, and will welcome the opportunity to become parents. 

In case you haven't seen Jason Mewes nude recently.

Scene 5: Nate the Human Erection tries to break up with Betsy by claiming that he cheated with "Amy Pasta."  But Betsy likes the idea, and suggests a three-way.  Hey, these are teenagers!

Scene 6: Ozzie and Isaac are alone at the movie -- until the guys arrive to cover their eyes if something inappropriate comes on, like blood or boobs.  Guys, boobs won't be a problem.  Now, let's talk penises.

Scene 7: Back at the barbecue, Gwen's Dad Otis was allowed to cook, and now the wieners are all shriveled.  Penis joke, har har.

 Also, Grandma Kitty was trying to prevent Gwen's parents from having sex, but they had sex anyway.  "It wasn't your fault.  Trying to stop us made it hotter."

Dad Otis also blew off the big, important truck-driving lesson, letting his daughter down, so Leia and Gwen drive off by themselves, with no lessons. 

More after the break. Caution: it gets even more explicit.

Joe Canoli's canoli: frontal nudity and erotic promise from the groovy 1960s

Readers were asking about Joe Canoli, one of the random hunks in the Season 2 Gemstone Memes. 

Walter Kudzincz, born in 1925, began photographing his well-hung buddies and boyfriends, establishing a catalog of guys in skimpy outfits pretending to be cowboys, pirates, or gladiators, trying to avoid being overtly homoerotic, as was required by the strict censorship and intense homophobia of 1950s society.    You could get them via mail order, or in "fitness" magazines like Physique Pictorial and Tomorrow's Man.  

In 1952 Walt met Jim Stryker, an 18-year old recent high school graduate, pranking his friend by urinating on him from a tree branch.  Stryker became his friend, lover, and the top-selling model in the gay male subculture for the next ten years.

In 1962, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that male nudity was not necessarily obscene, and in 1965, magazines began printing frontal nudity, allowing Walt to challenge the "chaste," closeted gay models of the earlier generation.  It was the era of the psychedelics revolution, the sexual revolution, the youth counterculture, and the more open, out gay subcultures that would culminate in Stonewall and the Gay Rights Movement.  The modern gay man was willing to admit that he liked to look at cocks as well as muscles.

So Walt's Champion Studio models got naked.  Sometimes their photos were campy and cool, brightly colored, "mod," groovy.  Sometimes they made fun of the posing-strap cowboys and football players of the uptight 1950s.  Sometimes they were unabashedly erotic.  

I'm covering a lot about the life of Walt Kudzincz because I have found almost nothing about Joe Canoli.  This  is the earliest photo I could find, taken between 1962 , when rear nudity was permitted, and 1965, when you were allowed to go frontal. 

More after the break

Tony demonstrates how to pick up that hot guy at the gym

 

We've all had this problem: the hot guy at the gym won't respond when you try to make eye contact or say hello.    Even the famous actor Tony Cavalero struck out from time to time, until he developed a foolproof method for getting the hot guy's attention, and maybe even making him your gym boyfriend.

1. Scope out your target, then do the same exercise, but with more weight to impress him.

2. That didn't work? Take your shirt off.

3. Still nothing?  

4. Try struggling with a bicep curl.  He'll rush over to spot you.  

More spotting after the break