Noah Galvin: 7 gay characters, a husband, a Pride cake, lots of dick pics, and guys still think he's straight?

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That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and the Human Erection gets dumped. WIth Theo and Noah nudes

Note: I reread this review, and couldn't understand a word, with four interconnected plot threads.  So I separated them.

That 90s Show is a nostalic spin-off of That 70s Show, set 20 years later, with the children of the original cast hanging out in that basement: Jay, the pretty one (Mace Coronel, left); Nate, the stupid one (Maxwell Acee Donovan); Ozzie, the gay one (Reyn Doi); and three or four girls, it's hard to keep track.

While the other teens merge in and out of complicated love triangles and quadrangles, Ozzie is always being stymied in his quest for the elusive penis.  He has a long-distance boyfriend in Canada, who dumps him before we can meet him, and then a lost connection with Isaac (Raphael Alejandro) in Season 3.  I'm reviewing the episode where they go on their first date, "Life is a Highway."

Kitty and Red's Problem: How to keep Otis from having sex with his ex-wife, and convince him to pay attention to his daughter: 

Scene 1: Grandma Kitty, Grandpa Red, and Gwen's mom  are in the kitchen, doing stuff with meat, when Gwen's Dad Otis (Cedric Yarbrough) arrives with a big announcement: he was hit by a mail truck, and settled for $20,000, so he cand take a break from his truck driving job and spend some time with "his girls."

Gwen's Mom reveals a problem: whenever Gwen's Dad bangs into town, he's so charming that Mom jumps into bed with him, and then they start arguing, and Gwen is in the middle of it. Easy, Grandma Kitty says: "I'll just keep you from having sex with him."

Scene 2: Dad Otis is cooking in preparation for the big barbecue when his daughter Gwen and focus character Leia enter, wanting truck-driving lessons.

Scene 3: At the barbecue, Gwen's Dad Otis was allowed to cook, and now the wieners are all shriveled.  Penis joke, har har.

 Also, Grandma Kitty was trying to prevent Gwen's parents from having sex, but they had sex anyway.  "It wasn't your fault.  Trying to stop us made it hotter."

Dad Otis also blew off the big, important truck-driving lesson, letting his daughter down, so Leia and Gwen drive off by themselves, with no lessons. 

Scene 4: The girls only got a few blocks.  Still, Otis is furious  Instead of yelling, Grandma Kitty suggests talking, seeing what's bothering her.

Scene 5: Gwen explained that she stole the truck because her Dad keeps breaking his promises and is never there for her.  They have a heart-to-heart. Awww.

Scene 6: Dad Otis finally giving Gwen her truck-driving lesson. Awww. The end.

Nate the Human Erection's Problem: How to break up with your girlfriend when you have an enormous penis.

Scene 1: At the barbecue, Nate the Human Erection complains that wants to break up with his overbearing girlfriend, Betsy, because he's still in love with his Ex. He tried to break up, and she said "No."  Hey, wasn't this plot on Seinfeld around 1996?  

Gwen's Dad Otis commiserates:  "I been there -- you lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones never let you go." Ulp, he's talking about Jay the Pretty One's sister!  

Ok, how to break up with her: "Tell her that you cheated with that little hottie." Ulp, he's talking about Jay's girlfriend! 

"Ok, just make up a girl. Say you cheated with Amy."

Scene 2: Nate confesses that he cheated with a girl named Amy, but girlfriend Betsy is fine with it.  In fact, she wants a three-way.

Scene 3: Nate the Human Erection is calling random women named Amy to find someone willing to have the three way, so his girlfriend won't know that he lied about cheating. They all hang up.  Maybe text them a photo of your penis? 

Jay the Pretty One suggests getting super-clingy and scaring the girlfriend away.

Scene 4: Nate the Human Erection comes clean about still being in love with his ex, Nikki -- in Nikki's earshot.  The girlfriend dumps him, but Nikki doesn't want to get back together, so the Human Erection is out of luck.  Maybe Jay is available.

Nikki's Problem: How to convince your boyfriend to have sex with you: 

Scene 1: Nikki, yet another member of the basement gang, and Ozzie meet in the diner. 

Nikki's  problem: Her boyfriend, Theo (Anthony Turpel), just wants to kiss, and she's ready to go downtown, but he's shy, and she's never had to make the first move before.  Her last boyfriend was Nate the Human Erection-- she'd just look down, and his cock would be in her hand. Whoa, these are teenagers. Let's keep it G-rated!

How can Nikki subtly inform her new boyfriend that she wants sex?  Ozzie suggests going to a movie, making sure there's a box of popcorn on his lap, reaching for some, and missing.  Where'd you learn that trick, boy?  Isn't this your first date?

Anthony Turpel, age 24, probably has some beefcake or nudes online.  I'll check after the break.

Scene 2: Nikki takes her boyfriend to a movie, and tries the "reaching for the popcorn and missing" trick. He's fine with having her fondle his penis.

Ozzie's Problem: How to get your date into an R-rated movie

Scene 1: Ozzie can't go to a kid's movie on his first date, but for a R-rated, he needs adults to buy the tickets.  

He asks Sonny and Bunch, an aging hippie couple, or heterosexual life partners -- it's hard to tell. They don't display any heterosexual interest in this episode, but they're played by Jay and Silent Bob, aka Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.  

They get all excited because they don't have any kids of their own, and will welcome the opportunity to become parents. 

Scene 2:  Ozzie and Isaac are alone at the movie -- until the guys arrive to cover their eyes if something inappropriate comes on, like blood or boobs.  Guys, boobs won't be a problem.  Now, let's talk penises..

Scene 3: Ozzie and Isaac sneak into the G-rated movie, Homeward Bound 2, which they actually preferred but were afraid to admit.

Uh-oh, Sony and Bunch are helicopter parents, and come searching for Ozzie and Isaac.  They yell: "We are looking for two young boys."  Pedophile jokes are surprisingly common in this show.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of Your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters

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"The Fosters": Twelve hunks and hunkoids, all grown up. With a few grown-up dicks

The Fosters (2013-2018) was a groundbreaking drama on ABC Family, now on Netflix, about a lesbian couple (Stef and Lena) with five children, biological, adopted, and foster (Brandon, Jesus, Jude, Callie, Mariana). The Fosters have foster children, har har 

But it wasn't all sunlight and diversity. Actually, it wasn't sunlight at all. I never watched -- I don't do tragedy -- but the episode synopses sound grim. There were drinking problems, psychological problems, incurable diseases, deaths, homophobic hate crimes, custody battles...like a live-action Howard Cruse comic.   But for many viewers, the remarkably open gay content was worth being depressed.

Besides, there are endless teenage boys with their shirts off to draw in the gay boys and straight girls. I'm checking to see if there were any adult hunks in the crowd, or if any of Fosters Fave Raves have grown up.

1. David Lambert:  Brandon, the oldest son in the family. an aspiring pianist whose dreams are dashed when an injury paralyzes his hand.  He also becomes the victim of statutory rape by hooking up with his father's girlfriend.

The adult Lambert shows his butt while sexing a girl in The Lifeguard.

2. Danny Nucci: Mike, Brandon's biological father, a cop who has a drinking problem, shot an unarmed suspect, and has a girlfriend who hooks up with Brandon.

Nucci butt

3. Tom Williamson: AJ, Mike's foster son.  When does Mike find the time to be a foster parent?

4. Jake T. Austin: Jesus, the second son, who has Attention-Deficit Disorder.

5. Brandon Quinn: Gabe, Jesus' biological father, who didn't tell Jesus because he didn't want the boy to know he's a registered sex offender.

6. Hadyn Byerly: Jude, the youngest son, who becomes mute in angst over coming out as gay (with lesbian parents?), but eventually learns to accept himself and starts dating, with probably the youngest same-sex kiss on television.







More bulges and bods after the break.  Warning: explicit.