Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of Your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one penis, and no gay characters

 

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's j/o video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes ofAustin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014.  He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some rear nudity in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician.  The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father.  It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.  

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys.  He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life. 

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah.  It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More butts and one cock after the break

That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and the Human Erection gets dumped. WIth Theo and Noah nudes

That 90s Show is a nostalic spin-off of That 70s Show, set 20 years later, with the children of the original cast hanging out in that basement: Jay, the pretty one (Mace Coronel, left); Nate, the stupid one (Maxwell Acee Donovan); Ozzie, the gay one (Reyn Doi); and three or four girls, it's hard to keep track.

While the other teens merge in and out of complicated love triangles and quadrangles, Ozzie is always being stymied in his quest for the elusive penis.  He has a long-distance boyfriend in Canada, who dumps him before we can meet him, and then a lost connection with Isaac (Raphael Alejandro) in Season 3.  I'm reviewing the episode where they go on their first date, "Life is a Highway."

Scene 1: Grandma Kitty, Grandpa Red, and Gwen's mom  are in the kitchen, doing stuff with meat, when Gwen's Dad Otis (Cedric Yarbrough) arrives with a big announcement: he was hit by a mail truck, and settled for $20,000, so he cand take a break from his truck driving job and spend some time with "his girls."

Gwen's Mom reveals a problem: whenever Gwen's Dad bangs into town, he's so charming that Mom jumps into bed with him, and then they start arguing, and Gwen is in the middle of it. Easy, Grandma Kitty says: "I'll just keep you from having sex with him."

Scene 2: Dad Otis is cooking in preparation for the big barbecue when his daughter Gwen and focus character Leia enter, wanting truck-driving lessons.

Scene 3: At the barbecue, Nate the Stupid One complains that he can't break up with his overbearing girlfriend, Betsy. He tried to break up, and she said "No."  Hey, wasn't this plot on Seinfeld around 1996?  

Dad Otis commiserates:  "I been there -- you lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones never let you go." Ulp, he's talking about Jay the Pretty One's sister!  

Ok, how to break up with her: "Tell her that you cheated with that little hottie." Ulp, he's talking about Jay's girlfriend! 

Scene 4: Nikki, yet another member of the basement gang, and Ozzie meet in the diner. 

Nikki's  problem: Her boyfriend, Theo (Anthony Turpel), just wants to kiss, and she's ready to go downtown, but he's shy, and she's never had to make the first move before.  Her last boyfriend was Nate the Stupid One, aka the Human Erection-- she'd just look down, and his cock would be in her hand. Whoa, these are teenagers. Let's keep it G-rated!

How can Nikki subtly inform him that she wants sex?  Ozzie suggests going to a movie, making sure there's a box of popcorn on his lap, reaching for some, and missing.  Where'd you learn that trick, boy?  Isn't this your first date?

Anthony Turpel, age 24, probably has some beefcake or nudes online.  I'll check after the break.

Ozzie's problem: He can't go to a kid's movie on his first date, but for a R-rated, he needs adults to buy the tickets.  

He asks Sonny and Bunch, an aging hippie couple, or heterosexual life partners -- it's hard to tell. They don't display any heterosexual interest in this episode, but they're played by Jay and Silent Bob, aka Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.  

They get all excited because they don't have any kids of their own, and will welcome the opportunity to become parents. 

In case you haven't seen Jason Mewes nude recently.

Scene 5: Nate the Human Erection tries to break up with Betsy by claiming that he cheated with "Amy Pasta."  But Betsy likes the idea, and suggests a three-way.  Hey, these are teenagers!

Scene 6: Ozzie and Isaac are alone at the movie -- until the guys arrive to cover their eyes if something inappropriate comes on, like blood or boobs.  Guys, boobs won't be a problem.  Now, let's talk penises.

Scene 7: Back at the barbecue, Gwen's Dad Otis was allowed to cook, and now the wieners are all shriveled.  Penis joke, har har.

 Also, Grandma Kitty was trying to prevent Gwen's parents from having sex, but they had sex anyway.  "It wasn't your fault.  Trying to stop us made it hotter."

Dad Otis also blew off the big, important truck-driving lesson, letting his daughter down, so Leia and Gwen drive off by themselves, with no lessons. 

More after the break. Caution: it gets even more explicit.

"The Fosters": Twelve hunks and hunkoids, all grown up. With a few grown-up dicks

The Fosters (2013-2018) was a groundbreaking drama on ABC Family, now on Netflix, about a lesbian couple (Stef and Lena) with five children, biological, adopted, and foster (Brandon, Jesus, Jude, Callie, Mariana). The Fosters have foster children, har har 

But it wasn't all sunlight and diversity. Actually, it wasn't sunlight at all. I never watched -- I don't do tragedy -- but the episode synopses sound grim. There were drinking problems, psychological problems, incurable diseases, deaths, homophobic hate crimes, custody battles...like a live-action Howard Cruse comic.   But for many viewers, the remarkably open gay content was worth being depressed.

Besides, there are endless teenage boys with their shirts off to draw in the gay boys and straight girls. I'm checking to see if there were any adult hunks in the crowd, or if any of Fosters Fave Raves have grown up.

1. David Lambert:  Brandon, the oldest son in the family. an aspiring pianist whose dreams are dashed when an injury paralyzes his hand.  He also becomes the victim of statutory rape by hooking up with his father's girlfriend.

The adult Lambert shows his butt while sexing a girl in The Lifeguard.

2. Danny Nucci: Mike, Brandon's biological father, a cop who has a drinking problem, shot an unarmed suspect, and has a girlfriend who hooks up with Brandon.

Nucci butt

3. Tom Williamson: AJ, Mike's foster son.  When does Mike find the time to be a foster parent?

4. Jake T. Austin: Jesus, the second son, who has Attention-Deficit Disorder.

5. Brandon Quinn: Gabe, Jesus' biological father, who didn't tell Jesus because he didn't want the boy to know he's a registered sex offender.

6. Hadyn Byerly: Jude, the youngest son, who becomes mute in angst over coming out as gay (with lesbian parents?), but eventually learns to accept himself and starts dating, with probably the youngest same-sex kiss on television.







More bulges and bods after the break.  Warning: explicit.