Gemstones Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dicks, and the Devil's kiss.

Previous: Episode 1.1, Continued: Blackmail, a bisexual orgy, double-dragon Ninjas, Scott Wolf's bulge, and Kelvin's cock.  Twice.

Episode 1.2 continues the plot arc of Jesse confronting the blackmailers who have a video of his sex-and-drugs party. 

 

Title: "Is this the man who made the Earth tremble?" From Isaiah 14.15: Everyone is amazed at the fall of the King of Babylon. Here we're looking at the fall of Eli Gemstone.

The Ladyboys of Thailand:  The red van in the deserted parking lot.  The head blackmailer, Scotty, wearing a scary devil mask, is talking with his companions, a woman named Lucy and an unidentified man.  He dismisses the  misconception that Thailand is all about ladyboys "hanging out of windows with their cocks in their panties." But: Thailand also has great food, great beaches, "and we're going to be taller than everyone else." 

The ladyboys or kathoey of Thailand have male-coded sexual characteristics but present as feminine.  They were traditionally called a third gender, but with the globalization of Western LGBT identities, they are more likely today to identify as femme gay men or trans women.  Scotty's statement suggests that he is into ladyboys, but his companions are not, so he is trying to convince them that Thailand has other attractions, too.

The siblings arrive and drop the bags of money in front of the van.  Scotty gets out to pick it up and -- Jesse attacks!  Lucy, wearing a scary baby mask, shoots at them.  They jump back into their car and run over Scotty, and then Lucy, when she rushes to his aid. The third blackmailer takes off his mask: it's a young man played by Skyler Gisondo.  

The Young Man yells "Scotty!" and runs up and cuddles him like a lover!  They are obviously boyfriends.He helps Scotty up, and they carry Lucy to the van and drive away. 

Scotty thinks that Lucy is dead, so they try to throw the corpse down a hill.  But she's alive!

Did it really happen?:  The next day, the siblings return to the parking lot.  There is no evidence of the blackmailers.  Jesse suggests that it was never real to begin with, and Judy, "a spiritual test that we had to overcome."  Kelvin thinks it was real, but the others criticize him for "projecting negativity."  

The next order of business: how should they divvy up the money Judy stole from the church: give it all back (Kelvin) or give half back and split the rest (Jesse). Why do these people need money?  Aren't they, like, rich? Maybe Daddy controls everything, and gives them an allowance.

Suddenly Kelvin jumps out of the car.  Jesse scoffs that he wants to buy a new pair of 22s, custom shoes hand-crafted by Gabe Apodaca in Italy, keying into his gay-coded fashion obsession.  But he's actually noticed a security camera: they could get the van's license plate number!

Lucy has what Scotty needs: At the hospital, Scotty and the Young Man discuss what to tell Lucy about the hill  She's "all fucked up," but Scotty  wants to see her anyway, because she can make him cum. 

He waits for the Young Man to offer a blow job instead, but he doesn't. 

Psych!  Scotty isn't planning on sex after all: he puts her in a wheelchair, and exclaims "We're getting out of here.!"  (Butt shot: his hospital gown is open in the back) Why did Scotty tell the Young Man that he wanted sex with Lucy?  Apparently to make him jealous, but of who?  Lucy, Scotty, or both?

"Did you just blow a kiss at me?": Cut to Jesse discovering that his wife and kids are still in contact with the runaway Gideon.  They even have good news: he just got cast in a Netflix movie; "he's doing well in LA, following his dreams."  Pontius repeats "Hollywood" in a sultry voice, then blows Jesse a kiss, teasing that Gideon is gay.  

Jesse wants to know how they dare to contact him when he "snipped our nuts." Why is moving to California like castrating your father?  

More threats after the break

Charles Ambrose: Civil War soldier, coast guardsman, martial artist, male model. With some risque photos

 

A partial cast list of Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1 as appeared, with Charles Ambrose as Union Soldier Stephens.  Time for a profile.

His real name is Jason Ambrose, also Jason Charles Smith, and he's from Sandwich, Illinois, 60 miles west of Chicago. He attended Waubonsee Community College, then studied comedy at the Second City in Chicago.  I wonder if his standup routine is about growing up in Sandwich.

His resume lists several local Chicago-area plays, including The Music Man, The Moon is Down, Act Your Age, The Dating Game, and Julius Caesar.  And skills including combat, archery, horseback riding, firearms, rock climbing, jiu jitsu, and motorcycles.

Plus modeling.

23 credits on the IMDB, beginning in 2008 with the short Hell Mary.

Then occasional guest spots on tv, one or two every year.  Most of these characters don't appear in the plot synopses:

Andy on Sons of Anarchy, featuring the backside of Charlie Hunnan

Zane on Henry Danger

Deputy Jimmy on Lovecraft Country

Donny in Hollywood Vampire

Lucas in NCIS: Los Angeles

Coach Watkins in The Wonder Years update, with Julian Lerner as Brad Hitman.

His most substantial role to date: 23 episodes of the soap General Hospital, playing Ambrose, henchman of the evil Victor Cassadine.  On Victor's orders, he kidnaps Liesl Obrecht, kidnaps Ace Prince-Cassadine, and almost kills Spencer Cassadine

Coming up: The Legend of Van Dorn, about a Confederate soldier played by Lee Wilson, who was "immensely attractive to women."  Never to men, of course.  He was murdered by a husband upset over his wife's canoodling.  Charles plays General Red Jackson, another real-life figure.

And Secrets and Yards, about a small town football team with secrets.

More Charles after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 1.1, Continued: Blackmail, a bisexual orgy, double-dragon Ninjas, Scott Wolfe's bulge, and Kelvin's cock. Twice

Previous:  Episode 1.1:Kelvin is in love with a Goth, Judy with an atheist, and Gideon with the Devil.  Plus some nude dudes from Chengdu.

The earlier scenes established one of the main plotlines of the season: Kelvin Gemstone is gay and an evangelical minister -- got to be some conflict there -- and interested in his former-Satanist friend Keefe.  Next we move on to introduce the other plotlines. 

El's Dead Wife:   We cut to megachurch senior pastor Eli eating dinner alone, just as lonely as Kelvin.  He stares at a painting of him and, presumably, his dead wife.  Later we discover that she is Aimee-Leigh, a famous Gospel singer who partnered with Eli in the ministry before her death in July 2018.  Trivia alert: a little over a year before Episode 1.1 aired.

The Sex-and-Drugs Party: Then on to Jesse in the master bedroom suite, brushing his teeth while his wife Amber waits in bed. Suddenly he gets a text: a video of Jesse in a hotel room, snorting cocaine with a naked lady, with a naked guy in the background. We see dicks!  So someone taped Jesse having a bisexual sex-and-drugs party! Wait -- is he bi, or were the guys at the party taking turns having sex with the hooker?

The sender wants to meet, so Jesse makes an excuse and drives to the deserted parking lot of a strip mall.  A red van appears, and a blackmailer in a Devil mask demands a million dollars by Sunday, or the video goes viral!  

Later, Jesse asks Chief Accountant Martin for the money, pretending it's for a new mission endeavor, but no dice.

Squeezing Out the Competition:  Eli is planning to open a new satellite church in Locust Grove. A fictional town, not the suburb of Atlanta.  The pastors of smaller churches in the area, especially Rev. Seasons (Dermot Mulroney, right, from a 1994 movie), fear that it will draw away their members.  Tough. Eli admits that he's intentionally trying to steal their congregations.  In-joke: his name is John Wesley Seasons, but he's a Baptist!

Judy and the Atheist: The family meets at Aimee-Leigh's shrine to discuss their disapproval of Judy's boyfriend BJ, because he is an unbeliever; he's even pro-choice on abortion!  She argues that he doesn't support abortion anymore.  How conservative are the Gemstones?  It varies from season to season, and even from episode to episode.

Plus they are living together, in spite of the church's prohibition of premarital cohabitation, so whenever someone visits, BJ has to hide. She argues that they are engaged, which is practically the same as being married.  No one mentions disapproving of Kelvin being gay; could they not know, or do they assume that he is not sexually active?

On the ride home, Kelvin becomes angry with Jesse for "constantly getting in my business, telling me what I should or shouldn't do."  Like what guys he can date? Jesse claims that he's just trying to protect Kelvin: "Dark forces are at work. Evil forces that want to destroy our family."  He means the blackmailers, but what does Kelvin think he's talking about?  An ex-Satanist that he attracted to?

We cut to Jesse's wife Amber meeting with the church ladies to defend the Gemstones' excessive wealth.

Jesse's Crew Sees the Tape:  Jesse shows Kelvin and his crew, the guys who were at the party, the tape. Kelvin ignores the boobs, but wants to know who belongs to the cock -- Chad.  He points out that his cock is bigger. Everybody's cock is bigger, dude. 

Kelvin will be obsessed with his cock size through the series. I wonder if it is scripted as small, or the same size as Adam Devine's.

So, will Kelvin to chip in half of the million dollars?  He considers it, but after Jesse calls him "a shitty brother and a shitty minister," he refuses.  

We move on to a church service -- very money-grubbing.  Eli, Kelvin, and Jesse perform, while Keefe stands in the balcony.  Apparently he is working security.  After the service, they find all of the cars in the parking lot plastered with fliers about how evil the Gemstones are.  No doubt Rev. Season is responsible!  

Suck your Satanic boyfriend:  After a confrontation with Rev. Seasons about the fliers -- he denies responsibility -- Eli and his family head to dinner in a private dining room on the second floor of Jason's Steakhouse.  Trivia alert: Really the Liberty Taproom and Grill in Mount Pleasant, a suburb of Charlesotn.

The siblings are generally sniping at each other. disapproving of BJ for being a nonbeliever and Judy for planning to move away from the compound.  They consider this a betrayal. Why do they care?   

Kelvin accuses Jesse of "betraying your family" in another way.  They stand, preparing to fight.

Kelvin: "How about you tell the family what kind of man you really are?"

Jesse: "How about you just go on and suck your Satanic boyfriend Keefe off?"  This is the first time Keefe is named on the show. 

"Suck your Satanic boyfriend" is a parallel to "what kind of man you really are," comparing two illicit sexual acts.  But what is illicit, sex with a boyfriend or sex with a Satanist?  From Jesse's statement that he has gay friends earlier, we can conclude that he means "Satanist," just as Judy is inadequate because of her non-believer boyfriend.  But Kelvin responds as if Jesse has criticized him for being gay: instead of defending Keefe, he throws a water glass.  

The Devil is a Top:  They start throwing things at each other. Jesse throws a water glass at Kelvin, but hits BJ in the nose.  Kelvin yells that they should have Jesse arrested for assault, and he responds "I hope the Devil fucks you dry!"  

Again we see parallel threats, getting arrested and getting "fucked" by the Devil, both humiliating losses of power.  It is interesting that Jesse adds "dry," that is, without lube. He assumes that Kelvin, being gay and into anal sex, would otherwise enjoy the act.  In Season 3,we learn that Kelvin is in fact a bottom, and Keefe a top.

Kelvin cock and Scott Wolfe bulge after the break

Vice Principals Episode 1.8: The guys try to take down their boss, and there's a horse and some butts

Fans suggest that I try Vice Principals (2016-2018), Danny McBride's series about two high school vice principals scheming to take down their principal so they can take her job and enjoy all that fame, power, and wealth. Really? 

 "Best show on television!" "Hilarious!" "McBride is a comedic genius!"

Other fans caution that it's homophobic, racist, and loaded-down with queerbaiting.  

Uh-oh.  I'll watch an episode, just to track the homophobia and queerbaiting.

Scene 1: Gamby (Danny McBride) and Lee (Walton Goggins) have lured Principal Brown into a night of drunken debauchery to discredit her, so they can take over her job.  They leave her passed out in the bathtub of a sleazy hotel, then burn all the evidence linking them to her deviance. 

Does it make you nervous that two white men are going up against a black woman? 

How about that she is named Brown?

How about that there are no African-American teachers at North Jackson High School in Charleston, South Carolina?  

Scene 2:  B Plot: Gamby gives his daughter a horse to make up for taking away her motorcycle. She is angry, and ignores him. 

Later he asks how she likes the horse.  She prefers the motorcycle.  Besides, aren't horses expensive to keep up?  Gamby tells her that he'll be principal soon, so money will be pouring in.  Are principals really rich?  

Scene 3: In the school cafeteria, Ganby and Lee criticize Principal Brown for eating too much. Then they review the footage they shot of drunken debauchery that will destroy her career.   If she doesn't get drunk or have wild sex on school property, what's the problem?

Left: Danny McBride's butt.

Ganby can't remember his closer,  "End of the line, Slut!"   He's too distracted by his anguish: The Girl of His Dreams, whom he was dating, is ghosting him.

Scene 4: The guys lure Principal Brown in the woods by claiming that students are sneaking out there to smoke marijuana, and start to confront her with the evidence of her "gin-soaked evening."  But she thanks them for helping her out: "I'm glad you were there...I really appreciate it."   

Ganby tries to say "End of the line, Slut," but can't; she is being too nice.  But Lee, the  more evil of the two, steps in: "We have this here video of you acting all crazy. Your career is over!  We won, bitch!"  

He brags about some of the other things they did to her, like burn down her house, causing her to attack, punching and kicking them.  If you've been waiting your whole life to see a middle-aged black lady and white man in a fist fight, your prayers have been answered.  I find it a bit uncomfortable due to the overlay of institutional racism and patriarchy.  She is a far superior fighter, if that helps.

Finally Lee gets around to the blackmail: step down as principal, or the video goes viral. Hey, isn't that a plot arc of the first season of Righteous Gemstones: give us a million dollars, or we'll post this video of your sex-and-drugs party?

Scene 5:  Lee threw Principal Brown's shoe away, so she has to walk down the rocky trail back to the school semi-barefoot.  She walks to her car in slow motion, gazes longingly at the school, and drives off. 

More butts and racism after the break

"The Holiday Exchange": Immensely wealthy A-gays look for love at Christmas. Watch with your grandmother

  

It's not even Halloween yet, but the romcoms are started.  

Darn, they all have such interchangeable titles that I forgot which one I'm reviewing. Oh, right, The Holiday Exchange, on Amazon Prime.  

The icon shows a woman torn between two men, and the blurb is about a guy going on a "holiday exchange" that he found on a gay app, so I suspect some "mistaken for gay" jokes as the guy finds the Girl of His Dreams.

Scene 1: A guy wearing an eye mask and a frilly shirt wakes up -- gay. Close-up of a photo of him and his boyfriend -- gay.  He knocks it over, drinks some booze, and shaves and applies femme moisterizer products -- gay. 

A guy texts: "Wilde, call me back," but he ignores it.  Moisturizer guy is named Wilde, like Oscar?  Gay. He's played by Taylor Frey, top photo, who also wrote the screenplay.

Knock on the door: It's femme fashion designer Chase, Colton Tran, and a woman, with ideas for his wedding outfit: "Your Mom told us that your Big Day was coming."

"Nope, you misunderstood, I'm not getting married, I'm selling my company."

"Oh, well, we have ideas for that, too."

Wilde goes annoyingly over the top complementing Fashion Designer Chase; he is an angel, a shining light, goodness personified; he has created everlasting happiness for literally thousands of people by...um...designing their clothes. 

Back story: Wilde just dumped his boyfriend, Sean.

Scene 2:  An idyllic village, over the top idyllic, Currier & Ives idyllic. 

George tells his business partner Oliver, Rick Cosnett, how they met, confesses to drinking too much, and then lays on the over-effusive praise.  

Oliver is also an angel, goodness personified, spearheading drives that raise billions for charity. He's single-handedly wiped out world hunger.  Don't introduce Oliver to Chase the Fashion Designer, or they'll cancel each other out.  

His problems: he is too busy with his day job as a divorce lawyer, his numerous charities, and taking over Dad's business when he retires to get a boyfriend. Coworker George is in favor of being single. This must be the "mistaken for gay" guy.

Wait -- they specifically state that they live in Los Angeles.  The establishing shot was a New England Currier & Ives village. What the fudge?

Out in the elegant party, Saintly Oliver talks to James, who works in his company.  They hedge around the discussion of why their last date was so awful. So Saintly Oliver and Moisturizer Wilde are both gay?  Who's going to hook up with the lady in the middle of the icon?  

No,  James "can't" get together during the holidays: he'll be seeing family, driving up the coast. Dude's not into you. 

I'm watching with subtitles, so I can't hear the accents, but these people are saying "Happy Christmas" to each other.  Could they live in Britain, but be having an elegant party in L.A.?

More after the break.

"American Sports Story": Football player turned murderer, with evangelical homophobia everywhere

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Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth boy, Judy with an atheist, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus nude dudes from Chengdu

I figured that we would have Righteous Gemstones Season 4 by now, or at least a cast list to profile, but nothing so far, so let's do some more  Season 1 reviews.

Episode Title: Same as the series, "The Righteous Gemstones."  Danny McBride has not commented on the origin, but in the Book of Exodus, Aaron's breastplate contains twelve gemstones, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, and in Ephesians, we are told to "put on the Breastplate of Righteousness."  Maybe some Evangelical preachers make the connection, and apply Christian virtues to the twelve gemstones.  Maybe someone in McBride's childhood even called them "righteous gemstones."

Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children.  Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!

Left: Fireman from Chengdu.  Or somewhere in China, anyway.

The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello).  Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is."  Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference? 

The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force.  Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's

They are dropped off at their houses. First  Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham.  Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone. 

Kelvin and the Vampire:  Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail.  Suddenly a half-naked man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead. 

He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting. 

Kelvin: "You scared the bullcrud out of me!"  

Left: At the gym

The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man.  I'd like to keep your bullcrud in."  Another reference to butts.

Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my butt."  Second butt reference, this one alluding to anal sex.

He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me." 

Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay?  Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?

After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.

It went fine.  Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms.   Why the couch?

Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed.  I told you you could."   Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him, so sex can happen by "accident"?

Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling.  It's lonely"   Very insightful.  He can sense Kelvin's loneliness.  There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .

Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here."  House-sitting?  Why would the family care?

Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ.  How long have they known each other?  In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks.  But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart.  Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .  

Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so.  Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?

"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks."  Staying up past your bedtime?  Eating sugar?  Are you planning a sexual encounter or a junior high sleepover?

Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot."  A sexual double-entendre.  Keefe is overtly excluding Kelvin from his erotic life,  saying "I'm going to have sex, but you're not invited." 

Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.

As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated.  He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving.   He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.

Kelvin seems to be pushing for a sexual relationship, but Keefe isn't sure.  He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks.  He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before.  It's best to reject overtures that sound too sexual, play it cool, and see what happens. 

Nude Chengdu dudes after the break