"Going Dutch": Military sitcom with an Old Soldier, a gay tease, and a muscular private (sigh). With bonus private's privates

 

In the last few days, I've started a dozen movies and tv shows that seemed promising -- guys gazing at each other on the icon, a trailer with buddy-bonding -- only to start them, and the focus character is kissing a woman by Minute 1.  The constant gay teasing is getting annoying.  Why tailor your project to attract viewers who are going to turn it off in 20 seconds?  

I'm so frustrated that I'm going to review something at random, the first "new!" title that appears on Hulu, Going Dutch: "After an epically unfiltered rant, an arrogant, loudmouth U.S. Army Colonel is reassigned to the Netherlands, where he is punished with a command position at the least important army base in the world. 

An army comedy?  Yuck!  But here goes, Episode 1.1:

Scene 1: USAG Baumholder Command Center.  I don't know what USAG means. Google says a gymnastics association, but that can't be right.   

Two army guys walk down the hall, the Old Guy (Dennis Leary, left) giving the Swishy Guy notes on how to introduce him: "Mention the Rangers, give America an erection."  Google says that the Rangers are an ice hockey team.

Swishy Guy: "I'll mention your Medal of Honor and your tours of Iraq and Afghanistan, and end up with your daughters, so you'll come off as a family man, and everyone will love you."

Old one: "No, don't mention them. I don't want to be beloved. I need to be tough, this close to Russia!"  Dude, you're in the Netherlands.  Russia is five countries and 2500 km away.

Swishy one: "We shouldn't mention how eager you are to start World War III." 

Scene 2: They meet with the Commander, General Davidson, who immediately asks about his daughters. "I hear you're a grandfather now."  Sorry, dude, he wants a family man.

Old Guy doesn't know what he means.  Oh, the baby?  "That's not a human being yet, more of a blob." Maybe stick with starting World War III.

Uh-oh, Old Guy was told that he was going to be the Commander.  Change of plans: he was caught on tape calling General Davidson a bleep, so he's in charge of  USAG Stroopsdorf, a supply center: "The least important army base in the world." 

Scene 3:  They walk through the Stroopsdorf Base: a miniature golf course, an outdoor fitness center. Old Guy is outraged at a "fat hippie on a bike."  Where's the discipline?   He vows to turn "this dump" into a proper combat base. 

Next, a tour of the fromagerie, the bowling alley, and the laundry, the three things Stroopsdorf is known for.

Plus a teen center with a sign "Reading is radical."  There are no teens on the base, so civilians from town use it for pool and video games. Old Guy tries to eject  "a small time gigolo" and a very muscular Private. 

Left: Small Time Gigolo is played by Icelandic actor Arnmundur Ernst Björnsson

Scene 4: The Interim Commander, a blond woman, addresses the troops: they have new headphones to use on the treadmills in the gym. No one mentioned Old Guy's wife. She must be dead, so he and Interim Commander can start a  "will they or won't they" romance.

Nope, she is his estranged daughter!  The Commander didn't mention that little detail.

She cut off all contact with him two years ago, but he didn't notice, because he "was busy saving America."  But working together will be an even worse punishment thatn being assigned to a "Dutch Club Med.

Scene 5: Swishy Guy flirts with Muscular Private as he plays foosball.  Wouldn't you?  Asked "What does your X/O mean?", he responds "I'm the Commander of Hugs and Kisses." Smooth move, dude.  But he impresses Muscular by winning the foosball game, then rushes to the Commanders to note that everyone can hear them arguing.

Muscular Private is played by Dempsey Bryk, who has rather an androgynous presence, but plays a lot of muscular guys (top photo).

Swishy Guy is played by Danny Pudi, who is heterosexual, but played a gay-subtext character on Community.  It's probably the same here: swishy as a gay tease, but soon to be outed as straight.

Interin Commander notes that they are marching in the Tulip Festival tomorrow, the first time they have been invited, so their presence is "crucial to diplomatic relations."  

More after the break

"You're the Worst," Episode 5.6: Is Jimmy hooking up with his buddy? Is Rapper Sam still bi? Is Dax a gay porn star?

 

Recently American comedies have been breaking the longstanding rule that sitcom characters have to be nice, the sort of people you'd want to invite into your home in real life.  Of course, the British have been doing it for years, but in the U.S. it's so uncommon that it still comes as a jolt to see someone who isn't very likeable in a sitcom.

You're the Worst, on Hulu, warns you in advance. Jimmy and Gretchen (Chris Geere, Aya Cash) are horrible, amoral people who dislike each other (well, except in the bedroom) and pursue a five-season long romance culminating in a series-finale wedding.  The B-plots usually involve the marital squabbles of another amoral couple who dislike each other, Edgar and Lindsay (Desmin Borges, Kether Donohue).  

I already reviewed an episode where rapper Sam Dresden  gets cancelled for using the f*-word, but turns out to be ok with gay men -- they're good at sucking.  To see if he is still bisexual or straight-but-open-to-oral interests, I reviewed Episode 5.6,  "This Brief Fermata."  According to the Google AI, "A fermata is a musical symbol indicating that a note should be held longer than its normal duration."

Scene 1: Jimmy and Gretchen are planning the table seating for their wedding reception, but Paul, Allan McLeod, is too boring to be placed.  They deserve a break from the drudgery of planning the wedding.  Jimmy suggests Fuck Week, a week where they can have sex with whoever they want.  He is surprised that Gretchen is so quick to agree.  

Scene 2: Monday.  At her job at the public relations firm, Gretchen checks out the hunk bulges and butts.  Assistant Lindsay notes a problem with Rapper Sam, Brandon Mychal Smith: his new track is bad, "Vietnam bad."  

But Gretchen doesn't care: it's Fuck Week, so she and Lindsay can go "day dicking" like they used to, at the Museum of Tolerance and Barney's Beanery -- wait, the notorious "Fagots keep out" joint?

First she has to sign up the new guy, Nok Nok -- Lou Taylor Pucci, top photo.  She figures he's so spaced-out, he'll be easy to snare, but he wants to hear the full pitch -- "Strategy, targets, concept art."  Uh-oh, she'll have to do work instead of getting dick.

Scene 3: Tuesday: Gretchen and Jimmy eat Chinese food while watching Nok Nok's videos and trying to come up with a pitch.  Jimmy has lipstick on his collar -- he's already successfully gotten laid.  Wait -- Buddy Edgar brings him a drink and gazes lustfully, but Jimmy shakes his head. Did they have sex, or is Edgar offering?

Cut to Wednesday: Gretchen revealing her pitch to Nok Nok.  He doesn't like it: how about a hard-scrabble life?  He was on the street at age 15, and he's a single dad?  

Assistant Lindsay went out dicking yesterday, and she, too successfully got laid. By the way, Rapper Sam is angry because his new, terrible track hasn't seen any radio play yet.  But screw it: Gretchen is going to forget about work and get some dick.

Scene 4: Thursday.  Jimmy comes in with a hickey, having gotten laid again. Another lustful gaze from Buddy Edgar.  Are they going at it?  Gretchen is still working. 

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

A Discovery of Witches: Some lesbians, a gay tease, a very important book, and Matthew Goode's goods

 

On to the next of the new paranormal tv series on Netflix, A Discovery of Witches.  

But it's nowhere near Halloween.

Prologue: "It begins with absence and desire.  It begins with blood and fear,  It begins with..." Coffee and bagels?  No, "a discovery of witches."

Scene 1: Nice establishing shots of Oxford.  Matthew (Matthew Goode) complains that this was once a world of wonder, but it belongs to the humans now. Demons, vampires, and witches have all gone into the closet.

Cut to a blonde woman rowing in the Thames, then running through the university, taking a shower -- gratuitous nudity, at Minute 2, no fair! --  eating breakfast, packing up her stuff, and pausing to gaze despondently at a photograph of her and her boyfriend.  Actually, the lady in the photo seems a year or two older, so maybe it's her lookalike sister or mother.  Looking at her makes Rowing Lady extremely depressed, so she must be dead.

Biking across town, locking up her bike -- whoops, her papers fall out and scatter, but she uses her magic powers to retrieve them. Fortunately, no one sees her.

Scene 2: Rowing Lady, Diane, is a Visiting Research Fellow who took her D.Phil. in the History of Science from Oxford, published two prize-winning books, and got tenure at Yale.  In the History of Science? 

In her powerpoint presentation, she theorizes that the Renaissance alchemists were actually describing real chemical processes.  She's going to research the manuscripts of Elias Ashmole , after whom they named the Ashmolean Library. A lady rushes up and offers her a position at Oxford, and wants to know if her book is ready yet.  She hasn't started the research yet, nitwit. 

Scene 4:  Diane has coffee with an old friend from Oxford, who gazes at her -- ex-girlfriend?  She was trained in classical history, where there are no jobs, so she's just an adjunct.  And there are jobs in the history of science? 

The friend invites her to the coven tonight, but Diane isn't comfortable around magic after what happened to her parents.  Witch burning?

Scene 5: In another building, a guy -- maybe Matthew?  -- is praying with his rosary.  Um -- Oxford is Anglican.

Left: Matthew's butt.  

And his cock.  It's not much, but he's an upper-class straight white man, so he'll be in a position of power regardless.

Cut to Diane in the Ashmolean Library, ordering books from the hunky library guy, played by Ezra Idun.  But the book whispers at her, and some pages have been cut out.   And the Praying Guy hears a heart beat!  In other news, her needy friend drops by to flirt with her some more.

As Diane types her notes, the lights flash and everybody hears the whispering.  Praying Guy gets a call from a woman, who explains that their blood is reacting to something.  They must be vampires.  Catholic vampires who go out in the daytime.  He uses his super-hearing to locate the disturbance

Meanwhile, Diane finds that touching the pages burns her!  She returns the book and rushes out of the building, bumping into a passerby who looks like her dad! Praying Guy is watching her suspiciously.

More after the break