"How to Die Alone": Airport hijinks, death by Umlaut, a gay hookup, DeShawn's cock, and three Lizzos.

I never understood this fear of "dying alone."  You'll probably die in a hospital bed, with a lot of tubes in you, while doctors and nurses mill about, so problem solved.

It really means "not having a romantic relationship." But those things aren't for everybody.  Emily Dickinson never dated anyone, and she is one of the greatest American poets.  What makes you so special?

So I wasn't going to review How to Die Alone, but it's set in an airport, aka Hell on Earth, so there's bound to be some cancelled flight, over-enthusiastic TSA agent, and horrible one-rack bookstore nightmares.  And gay characters -- we know that 90% of male flight attendance and 20% of male pilots are gay.

Scene 1: Melissa (Natasha Rothwell), a self-identified "fat black woman," is having a bad day: the plastic bag with her lunch splits open while she's on a moving sidewalk, she's tackled by a TSA agent; and she gets jostled on her job as an electric cart driver.  And, when she hangs out with gay best friend Rory (Conrad Riccamora), she discovers that Alex (Jocko Sims. top photo and below ), a guy she dumped,  is getting married in Maui!  Did you expect him to mope around forever?  

Rory wants to fly out and ruin the party-- "I've never broken up a straight wedding before" -- but Melissa is afraid of flying.  

Their conversation is interrupted by Tina, "the one with the big titties," texting them that Lizzo is at Gate 6A. I don't know who he is.  Melissa has a medical transport to do, but off they go.

Scene 2: They find Lizzo  -- a woman -- at one of those Hudson News snack-and-trashy novel shops, and shriek "Lizzo!" at her.  This convinces her to tell her companion that she "has the shits" and jump on the cart, and they zoom through the airport, shrieking in ecstasy.

Josh, the chunky redhead who works a food stand, sees her, shrieks "Lizzo!!!!", and jumps on the cart.

Who the heck is Lizzo, anyway, the sister-in-law of the show's head writer?

Scene 3: They arrive at the gate, where there is a giant apple and a lot of people walking away from their flight as "sultry R&B music plays."  They all shriek "Lizzo!" and have orgasms as a muscular black man with a beard walks in slow motion toward them.  Wait -- Lizzo is on the cart with them.  Maybe they weren't shrieking her name, they were notifying her that the...um, actor?  singer?  sports star?  was in the airport.  This is the real Lizzo.

The two women want to have sex with him, but he's only into men, but not chubby "versatile bottoms" or femme "gaysians."  He walks right past them, not knowing or caring that he is the man of their dreams.

Whoops, they're so busy gawking that they crash, and the giant apple rolls away.

Scene 4: Melissa in Human Resources, filling out an accident report. HR guy tells her to be more careful, or she'll be demoted to baggage claim.

Hey, HR guy is the ex-boyfriend who has invited her to his wedding in Maui!  Small world!  She pretends to be happy for him, although she's really roiling with anger; why isn't he spending the rest of his life moaning and crying?  

He asks about her plans for tonight, hoping that she'll be lonely and miserable without him. Thai food and karaoke with her gay bestie.

Scene 5: In the Aerowest VIP lounge restroom, gay bestie Rory is wiping off the coffee that got spilled on him when they crashed, when male Lizzo comes in.    Busy having an orgasm, Rory can't think of any opening line except "Nice shoes."  

"Thanks," Male Lizzo says. "Saks."

Rory thinks he said "sex."  "No, if I said sex, you'd know."  Gaysian's gonna hookup with the singer?  actor?  chess champion?.

Meanwhile, Melissa is having a cigarette break out on the tarmac, when one of the luggage wranglers -- Keilyn Durrel Jones, left  -- starts flirting with her.  

Melissa is upset because she and Lizzo are both fat black women, but Lizzo has accomplished something, and she has not.  Wait -- not a scene earlier, they identified a muscular black male as Lizzo, and before that a thin black woman.  Is Lizzo even a real...um...singer/actor/model, or was he or she made up to confuse viewers? 

Two other luggage wranglers appear, Deshawn complaining to Shaun about how much he hates his girlfriend or wife. 

Terrance complains that smoking will kill you, but Melissa counters that she is a black person in America, so she'll be killed by the police long before lung cancer can develop.  At that moment, a police car zooms by, and Melissa and Deshawn freeze, but neither is killed. 

Scene 6: Melissa is waiting for bff Rory so they can go to Thai food and karaoke -- he's bailed many times because he had a chance to get some dick, but tonight he's bailing because his wealthy Dad is forcing him to host a fundraiser.  I figured he would have a date with male Lizzo.

Alone, Melissa hangs out in her happy place, a Swedish furniture store called Umlaut, and tries to flirt with the salesclerk.  But he's oblivious, so she buys some stuff instead.  There's a gay couple strolling arm-in-arm behind her.

She makes it home, fields a phone call from her overbearing mother, and assembles her new cabinet, ignoring the instructions that call for two people. As she stops to argue with a rat that's trying to eat her fried wontons, the unsecured cabinet falls onto her and kills her.

More after the break

Leif Garrett: Nude photos of the teen idol who out-swished Liberace in the glam 1970s.

Every gay boy in the late 1970s knew teen idol Leif Garrett, whose two albums, Leif Garrett and Feel the Need, were getting gushing reviews in the teen magazines: the greatest singer who ever lived!  And the cutest boy in the universe!

Or not.  He was way too swishy, even in that era of androgyny, to be an object of homoerotic desire.  But they followed him anyway, because he was the first gay person they had ever seen on stage.  Maybe they weren't doomed to sad, lonely lives in the closet after all.

Of course, he wasn't openly gay. The teen magazines tried to push his macho interests, like skateboarding and cars, and interviewed him incessantly about what kind of girls he liked.  But come on.

 

The penis you're looking at is called a club-bulge, an effect created by a combination of very tight pants and shoving a rolled-up sock down there.  It was a standard accessory for every actor at the time, and still in use in gay clubs.  Leif's is actually understated; you should see what Shawn Cassidy was wearing. 

I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania.

Explicit photos after the break