Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Scavengers' Reign: With a bunch of Skyler Gisondo pics to take your mind off it


The animated series Scavenger's Reign (2023), on MAX, is being promoted as inventive, original, terrific, gorgeous, basically the best thing that has ever existed in the history of the universe.  It features a spaceship that crashes on a planet infested by surreal creatures, most of which want to eat you, control your mind, or both. Three couples landed in separate regions and have separate adventures:

1. Sam (Bob Stephenson) and Ursula, a male-female couple.

2. Levi and Azi, a lady and her robot.


3. Kamen (Ted Travelstead), who is being controlled by an alien entity as he ruminates excessively over his dead girlfriend, This is really, really annoying: they kiss, hug, gaze into each other's eyes, show off their wedding rings, kiss some more, have cute being-in-love adventures ad nauseam.  Heterosexual romance is the meaning of life, I get it.


Left: Someone who appears in an article about the Scavengers' Reign cast, but not in the cast list on IMDB and Wikipedia.  I saved the file as "Okiewerte," but googling that name yields only "Did you mean Okinawa?", so I don't know who he is, or who he plays.


I went through several episodes until I couldn't take it anymore.  Only "Demeter" features someone outside the main six.  Terry, I think (Skyler Gisondo), wakes up in a stasis tube in the crashed ship to find monsters fighting each other.  Once they see him, they attack, so he has to leave the ship: barefoot, with no food, water, or shelter.  He trudges across the alien planet, bloodying his feet, getting attacked, almost dying of thirst.  Finally Kamen (the one with the lost love) finds him and promises to help -- but his alien monster master kills him!  

So you spend half an episode torturing the poor guy, then kill him.  I'm sick.  The only thing worse than torture porn is heterosexist torture porn.

My grade: F-


To take your mind off the debacle, here are a lot of cute pics of Skyler Gisondo and company:

I want a date with the guy sitting just behind Sky's girlfriend.


More after the break



Monday, October 30, 2023

On my knees in a cute boy's bedroom

 


This is an autobiographical story about growing up in an Evangelical church:

Every year the family spends a week camping somewhere in the northwoods, fishing, swimming, hiking -- and, on Sunday, finding the nearest Nazarene Church.

This summer, when I am 14 years old, it is in Brainerd, Minnesota, an hour's drive from our campsite

"An hour there and an hour back!" I protest.  "It will be 3:00 by the time we get home-- the whole afternoon wasted."

"Church is never a waste of time," Mom points out.  "Besides, there might be some cute girls there."

I sigh.  Ever since I started junior high, my parents and brother have been pointing out girls, asking if there are any cute girls in my class, high-fiving each other whenenever I casually mention a girl.  So have my friends.  Even the preacher, as he stands at the church door to shake everyone's hand as they leave, gives me a wink and says "A lot of cute girls here today!"

"And what about the soulwinners?: I continue. "We'll be mobbed!"

"Oh, stop complaining.  We'll just call ahead and tell them we're coming."

The most prestigious thing a Nazarene can do is soulwinning, talking sinners (which basically means all non-Nazarenes) into accepting Jesus as their Personal Savior, thereby winning their souls for our team.

We take classes in soulwinning, hear sermons about it, read stories about it, evaluate scenarios.  Our Sunday School teacher often asks "How many souls did you win this week?"

Usually none at all.  It's not easy.  When you were 14 years old, would you have been able to walk up to this guy and say "Hi, do you have a moment to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ?"

If you aren't "spiritually mature" enough for soulwinning, you can witness instead: tell the sinner that you are ecstatically happy every moment of every day because you're saved, or just demonstrate with a broad smile.  The sinner, immersed in the unrelenting agony of the unsaved life, will eventually want to know more.


Soulwinning is so prized that casual visitors to a Nazarene church can easily be mobbed by people grinning at them and trying to start soulwinning conversations.  Unless they come with a member, signifying that they are "taken," or call ahead.

When we walk through the foyer of the Brainerd Church of the Nazarene, looking for all the world like a family of sinners who stumbled in by accident, we are nearly mobbed, but the Sunday School superintendent, the one we called earlier, comes to the rescue.

"We have Nazarenes from Illinois visiting us today," he announces, and the wannabe soulwinners back off.

But in my Sunday School class, they haven't gotten the word.

Ten or so high schoolers are sitting on folding chairs or chatting before the class begins, and every one of them looks up and flashes me a toothy witnessing grin.  Two girls and a boy approach, intent on starting soulwinning conversations.

"I'm from....." I begin.  Then a tall, black haired boy with a strong physique, obviously church royalty, leaves his cluster of admirers and exerts control.  The others back off.

"Welcome!  I'm Roald," he say, offering a warm, tight handshake and a more subtle witnessing smile.  He's done this before!  "Is this your first time?"



This could work to my advantage!

"My parents made me come," I say, which is true.

"Well, sit down over here by me.  I'll tell you how everything works.  If you have any questions, just ask."

So I sit thigh to thigh with a cute boy, who helps me hold the hymnal and shows me how to find Bible verses.

The lesson is about how God has a husband or wife planned out for us, so we should keep ourselves pure and not kiss before marriage.  Standard Sunday school stuff, but I'm already annoyed by Mom's "there may be cute girls there" crack, so I must look rather grumpy.

Roald thinks I'm "under conviction" and puts his arm around me.

Then we have to hold hands for the closing prayer.

This could definitely work to my advantage! 

More after the break

Saturday, October 28, 2023

Tropic Thunder: Danny McBride, a gay rapper, Jack Black's bulge, and a lot of wartime buddy-bonding

 


In Tropic Thunder (2008), some actors, their director, and a member of the crew are filming a movie about the daring rescue of a captured American soldier during the Vietnam War. They accidentally move off-set and out of Vietnam, into Laos --the territory of a heroin-trafficking drug cartel.  Except they still think they are filming a movie!  

They are:


1. Tugg Speedman (Ben Spiller), an action-adventure star who tried to move into drama with Simple Jack, about a mentally-disabled farm boy. It bombed, but it happens to be the drug cartel's favorite movie.

2. Rick Peck (Matthew McConaughey, left), his agent and gay-subtext best friend.  When Tugg is captured by the drug cartel, he rushes to the rescue.



3. Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), famous for a series of movies about a family who farts.  If you like chub, he's got an extended scene tied up in his underwear (which displays quite a bulge).







Left: Jack Black's but









4. Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr., left and below), an Austalian superstar who always stays in character, playing a black soldier.




More after the break

Friday, October 27, 2023

Redeeming Dave: Church for losers includes Tony Cavalero, a drag queen, and a porn star. With nude Ryan Hughes

 


Redeeming Dave was a 2012 tv pilot by Dominic Russo (one of the creators of Workaholics). Comedian Aaron Rice starred as Dave, a guy who fails at everything, so he starts a church for losers.  Tony Cavalero played his friend Josh.

Who belongs to this church for losers?  An infographic word cloud in the show's trailer tells us: a smart ass, an ex, a police officer, a drag queen, a Sunday school teacher, a stripper, a bartender, and a failure.




The pilot is not available to be streamed, but Dominic Russo brings it up during an interview about  Workaholics, and shows us two scenes:



In the first, Dave and Josh discuss how the "he/she has a tiny little baby dick."  "He/She" is transphobic, of course. Then she walks by, and they are embarrassed.

" I'm wondering if the "drag queen" is actually a trans woman.

In the second scene, Josh is telling a grade school class that his friend got a hamster shoved all the way up his butt.  This is based on the homophobic urban legend that gay men like shoving rodents up there.

I can't really tell if the pilot is homophobic or transphobic based on two brief scenes, but since these were the scenes that Dominic Russo used to draw viewer interest, it seems likely that gay/trans identity was going to be a major focus.


The cast list includes Ryan Hughes as "Racist Cop" (must be one of the losers in the church).  I don't know if it's the same Ryan Hughes featured in Adonis Male in 2017, but just to be on the safe side, here are some nude pics:












Tuesday, October 24, 2023

"Spider-Man: The Dark Age": Peter Parker with minimal Mary Jane and a gay-subtext best friend.

 

I have been eagerly anticipating the fan-movie Spider-Man: Intro the Dark, directed by Timmons Flowers and Gemstone alum Jak Kristowski: no girl is mentioned in the trailer or in any of the comments by  the showrunners. This is a big deal: the Spider-Man mythos is usually intensely heteronormative. ("Like all stories, this story is about a boy and a girl.").   

Scene 1: After a news report about an explosion in Rosenberg Labs, we cut to a high school shot.  Peter Parker (Joshua Morgan) enters his class and talks to his bud about asking "Ruby" out.  Ok, so he's established as heterosexual at minute 0.30.  Two other guys discuss meeting at Peter's house after school.

Scene 2: Home.  Peter is greeted by his mom  Cut to breakfast, where they all discuss the explosion. Dad says he's going to be gone three days to help with cleanup, and he'll be back tomorrow night.  That's two days. Continuity?


Scene 3:
Peter playing chess with his bud, who he calls Veon, but is listed as Eddie in the closing credits (played by Jaizier Mallett, called Ja in the closing credits).  He says "checkmate," although the pieces on the board are random; no checkmate.  Eddie/Veon leaves.  

A Harvard recruiter calls, wanting to talk to Peter because of his excellent skills on the guitar.  Really? Does Harvard have a big guitar program?  Could we see Peter playing the guitar?  

Later, Dad gets home and tells Peter that all of the animals in the lab died. Except for the spider crawling op his sleeve...which, the minute he leaves the room, bites Peter!

Scene 4: That night, Peter dreams of having super powers.  He wakes up, goes to the kitchen, and eats a lot of pizza and chips.  He goes back to bed, wakes up with a fever, and stays home from school. 


Scene 5:
Cut to Peters' femme friend Hunter (Tyler Inabinette, who is queer in real life) eating dinner with his dad -- pizza.  Is that all people eat in ths town? Dad upbraids him for just getting a B on the quiz.   Dad, who owns Rosenberg Labs, gets a call that they lost something valuable, so he leaves.  Um..dude, the place was exploded. You lost everything valuable.

Scene 6: Peter in the garage gym, doing lots of pushups and bench presses (fully clothed).  He can attach himself to the ceiling!  He calls Hunter to come over, and demonstrates.  They deduce that he has developed superpowers from the bite of a genitically altered spider.  

Scene 7: At school, Hunter wants to be Peter's lab partner, but he picks Ruby, the girl he likes, instead.  Not cool, bro!  Hunter has to pick someone else. He approaches Eddie/Veon, who is surprised: "Aren't you and Peter best friends?"  "Yeah, but he likes this girl..."  Eddie/Veon criticizes him: "Sound like you don't have the guts to ass it out."  This phrase is not in the Urban Dictionary, but I imagine it means something like "fight for him."


Scene 8:
Hunter and Eddie.Veon working on their project, a 3-d model of an atom (which we don't get to see). They decide to take a break and go fishing.  That's a break?  Won't it take hours?  Hunter reveals that he likes Ruby, but Peter already has her torn up.  Ugh!  What happened to "just us guys?"  

On the way back from fishing, they discuss their interests.  Hunter asks Eddie/Veon to see a movie with "me and Peter."  He agrees, except "No Peter."  Want him all to yourself, Eddie/Veon?  Think of your answer carefully -- you're my last hope.

Scene 9: Cut to Peter testing his spidey powers by jumping off the roof.  No problem.  Mom and Dad are both out for the evening, so he cooks dinner -- not pizza.  Whoops, some burglars break in!  Peter clobbers them, but he's injured in the leg.  The police arrive and help him limp out. Wait -- it was night, and now it's broad daylight!

Scene 10: Peter's bestie Hunter calls and invites him to participate in an underground fight thing. They wear masks so no one knows who they are, but his opponent, Flash (Ben  Beauchamp), recognizes him anyway, calling him "Penis Parker."  What's wrong with being named after your penis?   He beats Flash, who goes home to get beat up by his dad. 

Cut to Peter and Hunter going home, laughing and grabbing each other.  The fight was at night, but now it's daylight.  Dad is watching a news story about how strong spider webs are. 


Scene 11:
Peter and  Hunter designing a spider-man costume, with special equipment so he can extrude webs from his wrists and stick to things. They test the elasticity by holding hands. 

Peter admits that he's kissed Ruby, and Hunter gives him effusive congratulations.  "You've proven that you're hetero, bro!  Want to hold hands again?"

Then Peter's spidey-senses kick in: his mom has been kidnapped by a katanga-wielding bad guy.  Peter rushes to the rescue, but she sees him -- what if she recognizes him?! He rushes back to his room to hide -- and takes his shirt off and lies down on the floor. Beefcake alert!

Scene 12: He awakens, still shirtless. Mom wants to talk to him, so he slowly puts a shirt on -- beefcake alert!.  Fortunately, they don't know that he's the spider-dude. They just want to know what's going on, with his late nights, fights, and girlfriend. He blows up and storms out.

That night, Peter's little brother Sam appears to yell at him: "You left me!  You were the worst big brother ever, to let me die like that!"  Why haven't we seen Sam or heard of this guilt before?

Scene 13:  In the morning, Peter rebuffs Mom's attempts to connect.  She asks "Did you hear what happened to Aunt May?"  Another character not mentioned before, but maybe she was the kidnapped lady.

Peter walks for a really long time.  Now it's night. He runs into Flash, the guy he beat at the fight earlier, being beat up by his Dad, I think, and intervenes.  Flash thanks him.


Scene 14:
Peter standing atop one of the pylons on the Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, flexing in his Spider-Man costume.

Cliffhanger: The Big Bad decides to lure him out by kidnapping someone he's close to. The end.

Beefcake: Peter with his shirt off for about 5 minutes.

Gay Characters: None specificed.

Gay Subtext: Hunter seems be interested in Parker, and Eddie/Veon is trying to woo him away. I wish they could have been more explicit, but the guys were probably worried about scaring away homophobic viewers.

Heterosexism: In spite of the four throwaway lines about liking girls, there is no hetero-romantic plot. 


Continuity Errors
: Lots. It's night, and then it's day.  You think it's dinner time, but they're having breakfast.  Characters are discussed without being introduced. Plotlines are introduced, then dropped.

My Grade: For a fan movie written and directed by two teenage dudebros, it has  competent production values.  The acting is a bit amateurish, but then, these are amateurs (except for Tyler), so you can't expect drama school graduates.  The gay subtext and lack of excessive heterosexism push the grade up to a C+.

See: Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach Day, Dick Day, modeling, wrestling, and a tour of the campus

Friday, October 20, 2023

"Jexi": Dull romcom enlivened by Adam Devine's comedic delivery and penis


 I'm going to review Jexi (2019) in spite of its 19% score on Rotten Tomatoes and awful reviews.  Adam Devine's movies often emphasize gay subtexts and minimize heterosexual hijinks (does he ever actually kiss a girl?), and besides, he's fun to watch in almost anything.

Scene 1: The boy Phil is having dinner with his parents, bored by their adult heterosexual conversation, so they give him a phone. Not a smart phone, but still, he is mesmerized. 

Cut to a few years later: parents still ignoring Phil, who escapes through the cell phone.  

Cut to the adult Phil (Adam Devine) sleeping alone in a double bed (aww, he's lonely).  He picks up his cell phone and continues looking at it while brushing his teeth, pooping, showering, and walking through San Francisco.  Gay Mecca?  Bound to be some gay characters.  But he's not alone: he's in a sea of humanity, all of them staring at their cell phones.  No human interaction at all.  Gee, the message of this movie is so subtle, it's hard for me to figure out.  Are they pro or anti cell phone?


Scene 2:
 He works at Chatterbox, some sort of web service, making lists. The Boss (Michael PeƱa) upbraids the staff for not creating lists "that break the internet."   So: "Beautiful Asian girl, what you got?" Sexist jerk. "Ten reasons that cupcakes are over."

 "Prison lips?" "Cats that look like Ryan Gosling." Why is Phil "prison lips"?  What are prison lips?  

Answer: lips that look like you'd be good at sucking cock. Great, now the image of Adam doing that will be in my head all day. 

Phil tells his back story to coworker Craig: Journalism degree from UC Davis, wanted to be a serious journalist, stuck writing clickbait lists. So, I wanted to teach seminars in gay history at an Ivy League college, not grade 500 intro papers where the students think that 1956 was in the 19th century.

Craig and an androgynous coworker who may be gay invite Phil to play kickball tonight, but he  refuses: Sorry, I can't make it.  I got a thing."  I don't get it.  Why doesn't he want to make friends?  

Scene 3:  Phil at home, telling Siri to order him Chinese food and turn on Netflix.  Then he posts a picture of the San Francisco skyline on Facebook and goes to bed, being sad and lonely.  You're in the gay capital of the world. Go to a gay bar, or a sex club, or a meeting of the gay kickball league.  There might be ladies out there, too, if you're into that.

Scene 4:  Next day in the cell phone-infused world.  Whoops, Phil bumps into a woman, knocking her over and dropping his cell phone. He panics: "Oh God, are you ok?"  But he's talking to his cell phone, har har!  Dude, you could have had a meet-cute!   

She is angry at first, but then notices his hotness and starts to flirt.  Her name is Cate, and she owns a bike shop. It took 8 minutes for Phil to be established as probably heterosexual.  That's a record.  As they continue their embarrasingly awkward flirtation, a biker crashes into Phil, destroying his cell phone!

Scene 5: Wanda Sykes, the cell phone lady, says that they can't repair Phil's phone.  She complains that hipsters are constantly coming in, crying over their broken cell phones like crackheads.  "I'm not a crackhead!" Phil exclaims.  "No, you're worse. Crackheads get off the couch every now and then." 

Cut to Phil unpacking his new phone.  His AT assistant, Jexi, downloads his info from the cloud.  Then he asks her to order him Chinese food, but she orders a "child-sized kale salad."   "See, the user agreement gave me permission to override your commands." Uh-oh.


Scene 6: 
Jexi changes Phil's usual alarm to "Wake up, Bitch!"  She laughs at his dick in the shower (no beefcake).  He's driving to work today instead of taking a cable car like before, and she disapproves of his choice of easy-listening car music -- "This song sucks a bag of dicks!" Hey, Jexi is homophobic!  She changes it to a rap song about a playa having sex with a ho.

Then she wants him to turn left onto the 6-lane bumper-to-bumper Market Street -- I've had the GPS tell me to do things like that, too -- and when he refuses, calls him a "fucking pussy" and tells him to "strap on a sack" (get balls?).  

Left: Kenny Lorenzetti, who plays a security guard at the Fillmore during the Kid Cudi concert scene.  Not much beefcake in this movie except for Adam's butt and penis.

Scene 7: The Boss lecturing on the pillars of internet click-bait lists: cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family.  The androgynous coworker may be wearing a rainbow-flag t-shirt.  While Phil sits bored, Jexi chimes in with another appointment.  He doesn't have one: she just wanted to get him out of "this dumb fucking meeting.  Also, this powerpoint presentation sucks, and your boss is a moron."  She won't turn off, so Phil has to run out of the meeting.

He asks Jexi to run a diagnostic: "200,000 defects."  But when Phil tries to exchange her for a new phone, she claims "0 defects.  Also it's time for your butt waxing appointment." He wants a new phone anyway. Jexi threatens him: "Snitches get stitches."  




Scene 8:
 Phil unwraps his new phone.  But the new Jexi is as abrasive and controlling as the old one: She explains that, as software, she is in the cloud, and can download herself into any phone.  Plus she controls all of his accounts: "If you try to get rid of me or stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life!"  She intends to make his life better, whether he wants it or not. Shouldn't there be thousands of people having similar problems?

More after the break

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Veep Episode 3.4: Tim Baltz, penis jokes, queerbaiting, and an obnoxious level of homophobia


 I watched the first season or so of Veep (2012-2019), with Julia Louise-Dreyfuss as a scheming, acerbic Vice President of the U.S. (political party unspecified), but got annoyed with the excessive amorality of the characters and their interminable petty squabbles. 

But I'm back to review Episode 3.4, "Clovis," because it reputedly has a gay theme. There's a huge cast of middle-aged white men with interchangeable personalities and identical names, so it will be easier to refer to them by job title.

Scene 1; Palo Alto, California.  The Veep (Julia Louise Dreyfuss) is speaking at Stanford.  Her Strategist (Gary Cole, below) notes that tickets are $5000.  Tomorrow she's speaking at Clovis, a company worth $4.3 billion ("more than I make in a year!").  Darn, I thought she would be going to New Mexico.

While she is holding a baby and talking baby-talk, its mother asks why she backflipped on fracking. They get into an argument.  The team tries to disengage, but you can't just walk away while holding a baby.


Scene 2
: The VP Chief of Staff is yelling at the Communications Director (Matt Walsh, left), asking why he didn't disengage quicker.  Meanwhile the Veep and her Assistant Gary (Tony Hale) discuss the damage: "You're going to alienate women in their 30s."  "Oh, no!" she exclaims. "I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college."  A very precise fan base.



Scene 3:
At the Veep's office, the staff watches tv: Danny Chung  (Randall Park, below) is talking about the fracking fiasco (gleefully; he must be an enemy).  Deputy Director of Communications (Reid Scott, top photo, left, and below) wants to "take the fucker out."  

To add to his woes, on his computer, his frenemy Jonah is rapping about the fiasco, having the Veep say "And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you."


Jonah calls the Deputy Director to gloat. White House Chief of Staff yells at him, then tells the Deputy Director that they have to take out the mother (the lady who argued with the Veep about fracking).  Find some dirt on her.  Make her out to be a bad mom.  Wait, I thought they wanted to destroy their enemy, Danny Chung.  They want to destroy the Mother too?  That's a lot of personal assassinations for 23 minutes.

Scene 4: White House Chief of Staff has a beer with the Deputy Director  and complains about his job, "going from 6-pack abs to this keg.  I ain't seen my penis since the Gulf War." Has anyone else seen it?  

The Deputy Director wants to be the Veep's campaign manager.  It's doable, the Chief of Staff tells him, if he is willing to get "down and dirty," like finding some dirt on Danny Chung: there's a rumor that when he was in Iraq, his squad tortured a prisoner.  Ok, back to destroying Danny Chang.

More after the break

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

Seann WIlliam Scott: Face, physique, butt, and homophobia

 

On his Instagram page, Tony Cavalero characterizes himself as "Da Baby of Farley and Stiffler, Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, Ozzie Osbourne in The Dirt."   I figured that Farley and Stiffler must be an animated comedy, with Tony playing a baby. But according to the IMDB, there is no tv show with that name,  nor any character named Da Baby.

Further research reveals that Farley is either Saturday Night Live comedian Chris Farley, who specialized in physical comedy. (Seann William Scott) is the protagonist of Mr. Woodcock (2007), attempting to keep his mother from marrying his sadistic former gym teacher.  Never saw it.

Stiffler (Seann William Scott) is a main character of the American Pie franchise (1999-2012).  I 've never seen any of them (although I know what they do to the pie), but I found a list of his disgusting antics on the fan wiki. 



Here's the complete list: 
  • Accidentally drinks a guy's cum
  • Gets urinated on by a guy
  • Forced to kiss a guy
  • Has sex with a guy and two dogs
  • Digs a ring out of dog poop
  • Accidentally has sex with an old lady.  
As you can see, same-sex acts top the list of disgust.



Scott also kisses a guy, Ashton Kucher, in Dude, Where's My Car (2000). Both actors were interviewed about how the managed to do something so disgusting.  Plus there's homophobic jokes, gay panic jokes, and lesbian jokes, covering all the bases. 


In Role Models (2008), Scott plays an energy-drink salesman assigned to be a role model to a foul-mouthed young boy.  Homophobic jokes and gay slurs abound, but at least we get a shot of his butt.













More after the break

Saturday, October 14, 2023

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 2: The KOKK House

 

This is the second chapter of  A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance

Karl and Percy sat on the love seat in the master bedroom, drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses and kissing. Karl was fully aroused, an enormous tent in his pants. Percy resisted the urge to get on his knees -- not yet. He wanted this night to last.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yessir. I think I been ready since the first time I saw you."

They stood and faced each other. Karl started to undress. "No, let me do that," Percy whispered. He carefully unbuttoned his own shirt, revealing his slight but firm chest and belly, Then Karl's shirt. Massive pecs, enormous arms, a mountain-man's belly. 

More after the break

Friday, October 13, 2023

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 1: Keefe's Secret

 


Percy really wasn't paying attention to the movie. Not only had he seen Victor/Victoria like six times, he was too conscious of Karl Montgomery sitting beside him, his massive arm pressed against him, his hand occasionally reaching across Percy's lap to grab some popcorn. It was incredibly exciting, but also comforting. It felt like home.

They only met three weeks ago, when his bff Kelvin Gemstone told him that Cousin Karl had just come out -- at age 43 -- and wanted Percy to play matchmaker. He found three "perfect" matches -- a bodybuilder to match Karl's Strong Man awards, a musician to match the Kentucky bluegrass that he played at the Pour House every Friday night, and a carpenter to match his job in landscaping, But Karl didn't want any of them -- he wanted Percy!

Kelvin sat on his other side, next to his partner Keefe. That was amazing, too -- back when they first met, when Percy was hired to design the new executive board room at the Gemstone Salvation Center,  the poor guy couldn't even acknowledge that he was gay. He pretended that his boyfriend was "just a good buddy"; God forbid that they ever appear together in public. Now, three years later, he was happy to be seen on a double date!

When the movie ended, they strolled through Charleston's French Quarter, past the Lowcountry Art Gallery, The Bakehouse, Sweetgrass Baskets, little gay-owned boutiques and quirky restaurants,  toward their cars in the Queen Street Lot. Heads turned to look at Kelvin, and one guy asked for a selfie-- he was famous, after all, one of the few out gay evangelical ministers in the country.  But maybe they were looking at Karl -- 6'7", 375 pounds, with a long black beard framing a baby face and a smile that could light up the whole state, a macho woodsman holding hands with a skinny, femme interior designer.

"Hey, y'all want to stop at Magnolia's for some pecan pie?" Percy called ahead.

Kelvin turned back. "There's dessert back at the house, if you're up for it. Our housekeeper Martiza made an Albanian walnut-honey cake. What did she call it, Keefe?"

"Shendetlie, I think."

"You know I have a sweet tooth," Percy said. "I'm up for it if Karl is."

"Sounds cool," Karl said. "But...um...Cousin Keefe, can I talk to you?" He rushed ahead and took Keefe's arm. Kelvin hung back.

"How are things going with Karl?" he asked. "What date is this? Your sixth or seventh?"

"If you count ice cream the first night, church twice, the bluegrass concert, game night at your place, and dinner with his Mama, seven.  But I also helped him with Fun Day at the Gemstone Amusement Park, and we've hung out at my apartment -- well, we've been together almost every day."

"But you haven't been intimate yet?"

"Does that surprise you, Kelvin?  Didn't you and Keefe wait like two years?"

"But I didn't even know that I was gay yet. You've been out since age 10."

Percy took Kelvin's arm. "That's part of his charm.  He's a perfect Southern gentleman.  He brings me flowers, and holds the door open for me, and treats me..."

"Like a lady?"

"Well, he doesn't have any role models for gay relationships, except for you guys, and that's exactly how you treat Keefe."

Kelvin laughed.  "Really?  I never noticed." 

"Don't get me wrong --  I would love to see Karl naked. But for some reason I'm not in a hurry. Just sitting on the couch with his arm around me -- I've never felt so warm and safe, and...well, loved."

"I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about Keefe. The sex is great, but it's seeing him smile that makes my day." He paused. "I thought it would be weird for you and Karl. You're so different."

More after the break.

Monday, October 9, 2023

The Quarry: Skyler Gisondo and some gay/bi hunks fight werewolves at a summer camp

 


Someone on Reddit said that Skyler Gisondo was starring in a movie called The Quarry, so I looked it up on Hulu.  No Skyler Gisondo.  Turns out that he is the star of a video game called The Quarry.

I haven't actually played a video game since Super Mario Brothers sometime in the 1990s, so I didn't realize how lifelike the characters are now, practically identical to the actors hired to voice them.  

The premise: after the summer camp of Hackett's Quarry ends, so there are no kids around, the remaining teenage counselors are attacked by werewolves and crazy redneck locals.  They have to survive the night, find out who is sending the werewolves, and develop romances.  You can play any of 18 teen and adult characters, including:

1. Max (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), who is at the camp with his girlfriend, a future veterinarian (useful for treating wounded werewolves).


2. Ryan (Justice Smith), a quiet, reclusive, artistic type who can be played as gay or straight. Yes, that's his dick.








3. Jacob (Zack Tinker), the dudebro who signed on as a counselor in order to get drunk and have sex with babes.







More after the break

Saturday, October 7, 2023

Adam Devine's divine dick



The Righteous Gemstones is known for its cock shots, but none come from the main cast, so all we have seen of Kelvin (Adam DeVine) to date is his physique, bulge, and butt.  

That's enough for some people, some hum-drum everyday people, but most of us want the Full Monty.

At this writing, Kelvin failed to show us his woodpecker in Seasons 1-3, but Season 4 is coming up, so there's still a chance.  Until then, we can see Devine dick in two movies:



Jexi 
(2019) features Adam as a life coach whose cell phone becomes sentient and tries to control his life, including sending dick pics to everyone he knows.

He confirmed that it is him, not a stunt cock.

In an interview, he stated that when fans say "I liked your movie," they are talking about his acting.  When they say "I really, really, really liked your movie," they are talking about his cock.




More after the break

Friday, October 6, 2023

Adam Devine's House Party Episode 1.3: A bisexual foam orgy is promised


 Adam Devine's House Party
(2013-2016) appeared simultaneously with Workaholics -- apparently  Comedy Central though that their viewers would watch anything with Adam Devine.  And maybe they were right.

Adam plays "himself" (with his usual goofball persona) hosting a party in a gigantic mansion.  He strikes out with girls a lot. Some of the guests play themselves, and others play fictional characters.  Comedians drop by and riff.  There are scripted plots.  In the first season, it's about 70% comedy sets, 30% plot.   You'll be reminded of the sitcom-standup mesh of The Larry Sanders Show a little bit, but it's really for fans of Adam's unique brand of self-referential comedy.   

I reviewed Episode 1.3, "Foam Party," because Adam is trying to get a foam-based orgy started, and because one of the fictional characters, Steve, is played by Tony Cavalero.  As far as I can tell, this is the first time the two worked together, six years before Kelvin and Keefe. 


Scene 1:
Adam charging admission.  His parties are usually free, but today he's got a foam machine, so there's going to be a redunk orgy, no one with crabs allowed. A guy in the back yells at him. So Adam is planning to have sex with girls and guys both?  He invites the ladies to take off their panties,  and dudes, if they're wearing panties. 

Scene 2: People drinking, getting high. Ron Funches brought a rhubarb pie, but it's frozen solid. 

Scene 3: Ron Funches riffs on moving to Oregon and trying new things, like iced coffee,  white women, and bad rap: "If you can rhyme titties with titties, I'm a buy your album."  Ok, it's heterosexist, I'm fast-forwarding.

Scene 4: Steve (Tony Cavalero) looks embarrassed that the girl he's with, Ariel,  is drunk. He wants to leave, and tries to pull her away, but Adam intercedes: "We don't treat women like that. You're out."

Steve says "F*k you."  Preparing to fight, Adam kisses his fists; "He's warm. He's ready." 

As Adam makes martial arts moves, Steve says "You're weird!" and leaves. His girl remains.  "I'm king of the party!" Adam exclaims.  "Let's get naked!"   We see his bare chest and pixilated bottom parts.  


Scene 5:
  Before anyone else can get naked, the lights go off!  No problem: Adam gives everyone glow sticks.  But now the foam machine is not emitting enough for an orgy.  

He tells the PA Guy (Steven Bailey) to fix it, but not to check the fuse box (Adam doesn't believe that fuse boxes exist).  He has to go to the basement and crank a hand generator.

Steven Bailey starred with Adam in Pitch Perfect, and wrote or starred in many episodes of House Party and Workaholics

Scene 6: Drennan Davis performs a rap song. "So many girls/wanna take them back to my room/ we hit the sack/ but first we be drinking, yo."  Fast-forward.

Scene 7: As the PA Guy cranks, Adam flirts with Ariel, Steve's girl. "If you were a mermaid, I'd still want to have sex with you, even though you'd be half fish, and that's bestiality."  Good point.


Scene 8
: Brent Morin (the one with the bulge) talks about unsuccessfully trying to be cool: "Like, I'll be at a party, I'll see a pretty  girl, and...(fast forward)..."I met Bradley Cooper once.  Super hot...why did I say hot?  Whatever, I'm not gay, I'm not gay."  Having to specify so people don't get the wrong idea and look down on you?  Not cool, dude. 

Scene 9: No foam, and no lights: everyone is leaving.  Brent and Drennan (two of the comedians) want their money back: they're going to a better foam party at Jeff Ross's house.  A running gag in Season 1 has the guests leaving Adam's party for Jeff Ross's.

Adam sits beside the pile of foam with Ariel.  Just as he is about to kiss her, the PA Guy gives up the hand crank and flips the fuse box.  The lights go on. 

Ariel's boyfriend Steve returns; she rushes into his arms.  "Thank God you're here.  I thought this guy was going to rape me." Fickle, isn't she?

"No, it was consensual.  If it was consensual, I'd be down."  He winks at Steve. So you'd be down to have sex with Steve?

Steve challenges him: "Come rape me!"

"Ok, I'll rape you -- with my fists!"  You know that fisting is a sexual act, right?  "And with my knees!"Then the foam machine comes on and knocks him to the floor.  Steve drags his girlfriend off.  Adam gets foam in his eyes.  The end.

Beefcake: Just Adam's chest shot.

Heterosexism: Two of the three comedians are stultifyingly heterosexist, and the third builds his set on anxiety on being mistaken for gay.

Gay Subtexts: Although he only mentions hooking up with hot girls, Adam appears to anticipate a bisexual foam orgy.  

Fighting as a substitute for sex is a common trope in literature and film (note how straight guys often punch each other to display affection).  Here it comes close to the surface, with Adam's "I'd be down" and wink, and Steve's facetious suggestion that Adam rape him instead of beat him up. 

My Grade: Adam is thoroughly unpleasant, belittling ,demanding, and imperious, as well as dumb as a fence post.  We see some glimmers of this aspect of his persona in his other characters -- Kelvin became a tyrant with the God Squad in Righteous Gemstones Season 2 -- but it is offset by some essential goodness, vulnerability, or at least politeness. Just having someone who loves him around gives viewers the impression that he can't be all jerk.  But here the jerk rules.  Nobody at the party seems to like him at all.  And the heterosexism is rampant.  D

See also: Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 3.1: Adam marries a dude. And it's not Tony Cavlero.

Wednesday, October 4, 2023

Sons of Anarchy Episode 5.5: Trans Walton Goggins, a motorcycle club, BDSM, and three nude men


I've been checking out tv series featuring Gemstone alums for homophobic bias, and Walton Goggins (Baby Billy) playing a trans prostitute got a scathing review: "an offensive stereotype"; "a grossly overblown caricature"; "a throwback to the blackmail him because he's gay and it's disgusting" storylines; "Throw us under the bus for cheap laughs."  Also, "Walter Groggin isn't even a good-looking man." 
Well, that's a matter of opinion

So I fast forwarded through Episode 5.5, "Orca Shrugged," past innumerable bloody shootings, men having anal sex with naked ladies, and a single shirtless guy (I don't know who he is) to Venus Van Dam's first appearance.

The Premise: The Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club is involved in a number of illegal activities, but new boss Jax Teller (Charlie Hunnan), son of the original leaders, gets a new business scheme: blackmail.  One of his henchmen drugs the obese insurance guy Allen (Brad Grunberg) -- the Orca of the title.


 Scene 1: The guys have Allen unconscious, tied up, in a BDSM outfit.  Venus Van Dam arrives, hired to have sex with him, showing both her boobs and her cock, so they can film it and blackmail him later.  

She flirts with all of guys, but when Jax offers to help her put on her dominatrix costume, she refuses. 

 


Scene 2:
We see girl boobs and butt while Venus is riding Allen.  

Suddenly Devin (Marshall Allman), his stepson, bursts in and wants to know what's happening.  "You guys drug him or something?"  He is delighted: "Wow -- you guys are totally blackmailing him!"  

He wants to take some photos to blackmail Allen himself, but the gang won't allow it.

Venus asks how old he is.  "21."  "I like them young and sweet," she says, going in for a flirtation. Devin catches on that she's trans immediately: "Dude, you're like,  a dude."  He seems more intrigued than disgusted. 

 "Didn't your Daddy tell you to not judge a book by its penis?" Venus asks. "Have you ever had your dick sucked by a Southern girl with a huge cock?" 


Grinning, Devin considers a hookup.  The other guys encourage him: "Doesn't mean you're gay. We;ve all been there."  So they've all purchased her services?

They go into the next room to do it.  Whoops, Venus puts a blindfold on him, and brings her camera.  They're going to blackmail the boy, too!  They must have thought of this scheme on the spot.

By the way, Marshall Allman is about the cutest guy to ever accept a blow job.  Want to see his butt?



How about a pixilated dick?

Scene 3: The guys are dressing Allen/Orca.  He won't remember anything when he awakens.  

Venus returns from giving Stepson Devin a blow job, and hands over the camera evidence for blackmail use.  

Devin comes out, grinning, and relates that it was "intense."  Jax tells him not to reveal their blackmail scheme, or pictures of the blow job will show up all over his social media.  "But I would never rat on you guys.  I think the motorcycle club is awesome. I'd like to hang out with you guys sometime."  Maybe next time the guys can do each other, while Venus watches.

They invite him to hang out at the club, and he leaves  (This is his only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so the "hang" offer never materialized.) Jax thanks Venus for her help.  "Whenever you need a little Venus love, give me a call." She kisses Jax on the lips and leaves. 


Uh-oh, Allen/Orca wakes up and bites Tigs (Kim Coates) on the butt!  They subdue him.  "Why does this always happen to me?" Tigs groans.  Maybe you should ask if they're into rimming before putting your butt in their face. 

As long as we're showing butts, here's Kim Coates'.



And Charlie Hunnan's.

This is Allen's only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so apparently his identity is unimportant.  He is simply illustrating Jax's new blackmailing business.






Analysis:
The trans hooker is an old cliche, of course, and using Venus specifically for the blackmail suggests that Allen is transphobic.  But he has been characterized as a jerk, so it's understandable.  The Motorcycle Club members  themselves are not transphobic in the least. They have all either been with Venus, or are fine with other guys going with her.  There is no fear of deception or big reveal; everyone appears to know that she is trans right away.

What about her huge cock?  Many trans women do not get bottom surgery: they can't afford it, it's too invasive, or they don't see the need.  Beside, a lot of guys like that.


In later episodes, we learn about Venus's painful growing up in a transphobic household.  The motorcycle guys help rescue her son from his abusive mother, and she helps them find the wife and children of a slain motorcycle guy. She starts a romantic relationship with Tigs that lasts all through the end of the series, with neither of them dying. 

Of course, it would be preferable to have a trans actor play a trans character, but other than the casting issue, I don't see a problem.