Gemstones Episode 2.6: Yep, they have sex. Plus Judy grows a heart, Torsten a brain, and Amber the noive.

Title: "Never Avenge Yourselves, but Leave It to the Wrath of God." Romans 12:19.  Who will suffer God's wrath?

The Cycle Ninjas:  We begin immediately after the Cycle Ninja attack in Episode 2.4.  Jesse and Amber grab guns and fire on them as they zoom off, grazing one.  He falls off  his motorcycle, but jumps onto his colleague's and gives them the finger.

Later the family, except for Kelvin, gathers in Eli's drawing room to discuss the incident with Sheriff Brenda.  Judy thinks that it was a case of road rage.  Sheriff Brenda thinks that it was a botched robbery by some teenagers: professional assassins would have finished the job.  Eli is sure that Junior sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill him.  Other family members are at risk too, so he puts the compound on lockdown.

Judy complains about being stuck at home, with Tiffany living there after Baby Billy abandoned her. "She cleans everything with vinegar."  Not the time for complaints, girl.  Eli agrees: "Are you incapable of thinking of anyone but yourself?"

Out on the porch, Eli asks if Jesse has been to see Kelvin since the assault: "No. we ain't friends.  He grew up to be a nerd." 

The Second Dressing Room Scene:  We cut to a full body front-and-rear shot of Kelvin, as he stands naked in front of the mirror in his dressing room. "Look at me," he tells Keefe, "A grotesque reflection of what I once was." Dude, you're not going to get any sympathy with that incredible body on display.

 He is distraught over the fight with his father and the loss of the God Squad; he has been de-manned by the symbolic castration. Why should he get dressed?  "I shall remain hidden, like the beast I've become."

 Keefe advises that dressing for the day "soothes the soul," and drops to his knees.  Kelvin pushes his head forward and down to begin oral sex.  We see and (and hear) his climax, orgasm, and post-orgasm release.  Keefe swallows and says "nice." 

The scene lasts only a few seconds, and thus is easy to miss (I missed it the first time).  And it is immersed in the act of getting dressed.  Viewers are expected to be unsure whether they had sex or not, thus continuing the "are they or aren't they?" speculation. 

But the non-sexual explanation makes no sense: 

While stepping into his Tommy Johns, Kelvin steadies himself by pushing on Keefe's head. You steady yourself on your friend's shoulders, not on his head.

Using his hands to push is painful.  Elsewhere he is shown using the palms and base of his hands without pain.  

Keefe says "nice" because...um... Go on? 

Structurally, it is a logical conclusion of the first dressing room scene.  The guys move from quasi-sexual erotic activity to an overt sexual act.

It makes sense for Kelvin's character. He that his injury has rendered him impotent in a society dedicated to the phallus, grotesque in a society that prizes male beauty.   What better way to demonstrate that he is still potent, still beautiful? 

It makes sense for Keefe's character.  You've just gotten a good look at the amazingly hot backside of the Man of Your Dreams, and now you are kneeling with your face three inches from his amazingly hot cock --aroused by your proximity.  What guy could resist going down?

Afterwards, Keefe helps Kelvin get dressed, boops his nose, and puckers up for a kiss.  Kelvin moves in, then changes his mind and abruptly turns aside.  He still resists the idea of romantic love, but he is gradually coming around.

Down in the yard, the God Squad is running a motorcycle over the tennis court and otherwise wilding.  They've even moved into the house.  Kelvin is horrified: "Our empire is crumbling."  Notice that it's now "our" empire; they are equal partners.  Keefe encourages him to prove that he is still strong, physically and mentally: "Your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are."

Judy Grows a Heart:  Judy is signing fan photos with an erect penis and "stay horny," a call back to the Kelvin/Keefe sex scene, while Tiffany calls the area hospitals to see if Baby Billy was  admitted.  Judy scoffs: "He abandoned you."  But Tiffany can't believe it.  Maybe he's still looking for Funyons, and will return with the car loaded-down with them. Maybe he had a stroke, and doesn't remember who he is.  What if he's dead?  

Tiffany starts to cry,  and Judy starts to feel compassion, "thinking of someone other than herself" for maybe the first time in her life. This reminds me of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz: "If I only had a heart."

Amber Grows Courageous.  Next the Cowardly Lion: "If I only had the noive." At the marital support group, Amber brags about how she chased off the Cycle Ninjas and shot one from 50 yards away.  The women cheer.  Jesse, feeling threatened, argues that they were both shooting, and it's unclear who actually "grazed " the Ninja,  The women aren't having it.  Amber luxuriates in the cheers, feeling for the first time that she's her own person, not just an extension of her partner. 

 Later, Jesse's crew tries to console him for being de-manned by his wife. They suggest some buddy-bonding over craft beers, but he refuses.  He's too upset about "the whole church sucking my wife's dick." Another call-back to Kelvin's blow job.

Holding hands in front of the God Squad: In the gym, Kelvin addresses the God Squad's concerns that his broken thumbs make him an inappropriate leader.  He proves his strength by offering them  "Strawberry Shortcake Bahama Bro Smoothies."  and suggests that they join hands to pray about it. 

The God Squad wonders how he can lead them on missions when he can't even lift a smoothie.  He tries, but spills it all over!  The guys laugh and make rude gestures. Keefe tries to comfort him with a hug, but Kelvin brushes him away.

Finally, Torsten -- the scarecrow, "if I only had a brain" -- figures out that he, and other God Squad members, are twice the size of Kelvin.  He should be leader: "Kelvin, I challenge you!"

"But Torsten, you're my gentle giant," Kelvin protests.  Another favorite?  Have they been in the steam showers together? 

They all rush out for the cross-bearing challenge.  But Kelvin is injured, so Keefe will act in his place.

Bonus: Let's compare Adam Devine's facial expressions with a guy having a real orgasm during oral sex.

Any questions?

More after the break

Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach Day, Dick Day, wrestling, modeling, and a tour of the campus

 

Jak Kristowski is a South Carolina-based media influencer, actor, producer, model, Disney fan, Baptist, missionary, and surfer.  His stage credits include  Aladdin: the Musical, David vs. Goliath, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jr., and Anastasia, and he is the executive producer of the fan-based movie Spider-Man: The Dark Age.

In Episode 3.9 of The Righteous Gemstones, Jesse sends his wayward son Pontius to The Citadel, the South Carolina military college.  Jak was cast as one of Pontius's classmates. 

His scene was cut. but he got to meet Jody Hill, Danny McBride, and Kelton Dumont, he got a free lunch and a campus tour, and of course he still was paid.  He posted some pics of his experience on his instagram, and I added some of my own.

The Citadel enrolls  2,300 cadets who want the military-style education they might receive at West Point or Annapolis, but without the obligation of entering the military after graduating.  No Battle Logistics: you major in one of the standard academic subjects, like English or history.

The library and student union don't look much different from those of other colleges, except for the uniforms

The naked guys are about the same, except for the dog tags. (Not Jak or Kelton)

More cadets after the break. Warning: it gets explicit.

"Christmas on Cherry Lane": Three families, including a gay couple, with a big plot twist that you won't see coming

 

Christmas on Cherry Lane (2023) stars Vincent Rodriguez III, the muscular, bulging actor who specializes in family-friendly gay guys.  I figured I would watch in the background while doing other things on my laptop, but no, it requires you to pay attention.  There's a major plot twist.  I'm giving only the character names, not the actors' names.

There are three families on Cherry Lane on Christmas Eve

Family 1: John and Lizzie, who is due in two weeks,  just moved into the house, and are planning a quiet Christmas alone. They put up the tree and sing "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful," with a Hallmark Tree Trimmer ornament.  This will become important later.

Suddenly Lizzie's Mom and Dad arrive, and announce that they invited her brother and his family!  But Johnand Lizzie haven't even unpacked. Where will they put all those people?  

Left: Dad Frank 

Family 2: Regina and her friend Daisy, not shown, unpack Christmas decorations.  Her back story: she's a widow with adult children, and a boyfriend named Nelson.    

The adult kids, Winnie and Conrad, arrive in a horrible car.  Why does he keep it, now that he's making a ton of money?  Because his Uncle Ham gave it to him after Dad died. This will be important later.  

Sister Winnie doesn't have a job, except singing at open-mike nights for tips, but she'll be a famous singer one day, she says.  Mom wants her to try business school.

Mom announces that she's getting married to her Boyfriend, and she's selling the house and moving to Florida.  The adult children do not like this at all, and plot to break them up.

Family #3: Zian, left, and Mike, who works as a chef at a restaurant called Repair. They just moved into their house, too, and they're planning a Christmas Eve party tonight with twelve people.  Except contractor Quinn and his crew haven't finished remodeling the kitchen yet.  He brings them a plate of Christmas cookies, complements them on what a cute couple they are, and asks if "that famous singer" is coming to the party.  This will be important later.

Mike is freaking out.  Maybe they could move the party to the restaurant?  No, this is the first Christmas in their new house, where they're going to raise their family, so it's important to hold it here.  They walk outside and sit on lawn chairs in the cold and sing "Silent Night."  All of it.

Speaking of starting a family, the lady from the adoption agency tells them that the foster family they were placing a girl with backed out, so they're getting a child tonight -- on Christmas Eve.  With twelve people coming for a party.  Hopefully a family-friendly party.  How are they going to get a bedroom ready?

More plot complications after the break.  Spoiler alert: it's a big plot twist.

"Son of a Thousand Men": Magic realism from Brazil with fragmented time and space, but there are gay guys and d*cks

Son of a Thousand Men (2025) popped up on the nude celebrity website with this well-hung trifecta, playing Nude Man 1, Nude Man 3, and Antonino. 

But what is it about?  

Different reviews give us completely different plots:

1. "A lonely fisherman longing for a son is drawn into an ethereal light," and the boy appears.

2. "A gay guy enters a marriage of convenience with a foundling woman" 

3. "An older couple hires an actor to impersonate their gay son."

4. "A elderly man tells his grandson to stay away from gay men and lesbians" (VOD)

Maybe they're all correct.  I suspect that we are looking at magic realism, like 100 Years of Solitude, The House of the Spirits, and Cortazar's Hopscotch, where people merge into other people, time and space are fragmented, and the subconscious manifests in everyday objects.   

Let's try the trailer:

Scene 1:  Sometime in the 19th century, an elderly fisherman (Rodrigo Santoro) is living by himself. That's the beginning of a lot of fairy tales.

He has been driven insane by the isolation, so he makes a creepy boy doll that he pretend is  real.   So is the doll going to come to life, like Pinocchio?  

Scene 2: He puts an ad in the village grapevine, "Elderly man seeks a son."  A teenage boy looks at it, but a preteen boy shows up. I think the teen boy turned into the preteen boy, and both are going to become the Fisherman.

Scene 3: The Boy wants the Fisherman to get a girlfriend, so he won't be lonely.  This might be a problem, since they live in the wilderness, a long, arduous journey from the nearest town. Who does he sell the fish to?   

Fortunately, at that moment the Woman of his Dreams appears, wearing a flowing white robe, sitting alone on the rocks. She must be a supernatural being, maybe an eidetic invocation of the Eternal Feminine.

The Boy doesn't think that the Woman of His Dreams is an appropriate partner for the day-to-day life of a fisherman, maye he can't see her at all, so he continues: "There are plenty of girls in the village."  This to a shot of someone who is definitely not a girl. I think he's Antonino from the n*de photos (Johnny Massaro), so maybe he was hanging out on the gay beach. 

Scene 4: Mom tells Antonino that she needs a grandchild, so get busy.

Scene 5: Antonino's wedding, to a woman trapped in a fishing net. Is this standard for Brazilian weddings, or does it signify that she's a sea creature?   This must be Plot #2: he's a gay guy forced to marry "a foundling woman." 

Scene 6: They settle in for their wedding night in separate beds.

Scene 7: In the morning, she leaves, wanders on to the beach, and says "Love ruins everything," just before the Fisherman sees her and is overcome by Girl of His Dreams fervor.  So she's the Net Lady. I thought there were no other houses -- or hotels -- around for hundreds of miles. Maybe she walked through time and space.

Scene 8: Net Lady and Fisherman bond over screaming therapy, laugh, and swim in an ocean full of people, "all children of different mothers and fathers."  Obviously.

Meanwhile Antonino (I think) has a rather painful masturbation.

Scene 9: The Boy curls into a fetal position as hair drops on him.  So he's been to the barber?

People gaze at the ocean.

Net Lady dies as the Fisherman holds her hand.

There's a giant glowing seashell.

Fisherman: "We're never really alone."

The end.

Still confused?  Me, too.  But I found a complete, detailed plot synopsis, untangled the magic realism fragmentation, and put the events in chronological order.

Unfragmented story after the break.