"Almost Family: Almost entirely heteronormative family squabbles at a resort in Argentina. But at least there are some dicks

 

 I don't know why I was recommended Almost Family (Familia, pero no mucho) on Netflix, a 2025 movie about squabbling in-laws.  Maybe there are gay characters?  Writer Leandro Soares has the Instagram tagline "Gayboy" (if it's the right one), and  an 2018 article states that director Felipe Joffily was planning to do a LGBT version of Poltergeist, Poltergay: a young couple moves into an old house without realizing that it used to be a gay bar (a French film with that plot came out in 2006). So we'll give it a try.

Scene 1:  In a restaurant in an unnamed city in Brazil, a grouchy curmudgeon (Leandro Hassum, left, but much older and chubbier) gets angry at a customer's weird request, yells at the staff, wonders where Mariana is -- on her lunch break, practicing the violin.  

He finds her: "You remind me of your mother, the Love of My Life, who is dead.  Oh, and your playing is ok, too, but get downstairs.  It's the lunch rush" Heterosexual identity and dead wife established at Minute 1.4

"But my big, important audition for the Paris Conservatory is coming up."

"Tough.  Go wait tables."  He goes downstairs, licks the shoulder of his current Girlfriend -- I guess his life isn't miserable forever -- and moves on.  Mariana gazes at Girlfriend's son Filipinho dancing, and wonders why he doesn't have to work.  "Because he'll have a career in dancing, whereas your music is useless, so you'll have to get a real job someday. Why?"

Scene 2: Curmudgeon (now I'm calling him Dad) and his buds discuss sports.  Mariana says that her audition is Friday, and he has to come for a very, very important reason.  There will be a big surprise!

Cut to the audition, in a giant theater, with family and friends watching.  Uh-oh, Dad's Girlfriend and Filipinho (left) are there, but Dad is missing: we see that he's busy at the restaurant.  Her audition number is "Summer" from Vivaldi's "Four Seasons": a horrible cliche, but maybe it's for the viewers. 

Filipinho is played by Joao Barreto.  If it's the same one, he's gay in real life, and has some n*de photos online.  I'm holding out for the character to be gay, too.

Cut to Mariana pouting as Dad apologizes.  "I tried my best to come, but the restaurant was packed!"  "Just leave me alone." We never find out what the big surprise was.

By the way, she got in, so she's off to Paris, and Dad will have to hire someone to take her place. "But you work for free.  I can't afford to replace you!"  (In Brazil, servers are paid a living wage).  "Besides, this is our dream -- everything we've worked for."  Ok, the clash between following your dreams and meeting parental expectations, a story as old as -- well, my childhood: "What do you need college for?  You're smart enough to work at the factory right now!"

Scene 3: Time to go.  Dad's Girlfriend and Filipinho hug her; Dad mutters about betrayal...backstabber...Judas..., but hugs her anyway and kisses the top of my head.  Pet peeve: kissing the top of someone's head is disgusting.  What are you trying to do, suck their brain out?  

Scene 4: Three years later, Mariana texts that she's coming home. 

Cut to her arrival.  Hugs all around.  The bar has been turned into a gastropub, with live music.  "Now maybe you'll give up this silly music dream and help run it?"  Nope, she has a boyfriend in Paris, and they're getting married.  Texts are cheap; maybe tell your family about this earlier?

Left: Fabio Santiago Israel plays one of the musicians, and has n*de photos online (after the break).

Bombshell: Mariana's Boyfriend is not French -- he's Argentinian.

"Those horrible monsters! But they eat chipmunks, and their feet go backwards, and they cheat at futbol every single year!"  Dad can't hide his disgust.

"His parents own a hotel in Bariloche, so let's all go down to Argentina and meet them! It's the prettiest city in Argentina!"  From Rio to Bariloche is seven hours by plane or 50 hours by car.

"But I can't go to Argentina!  I can't speak the non-Portuguese gibberish they have down there!"

At this point the plot changes from "parents not supporting their child's ambition" to "bickering in-laws."

Scene 5: They get off the airplane, high up in the mountains.  Everyone is wearing parkas except Dad in his shorts.  He steps into the gift shop and comes out wearing a ridiculous outfit to meet Boyfriend Miguel and the parents -- and insults their country and their language. 

Tour of the city, with Swiss-chalet architecture, the lake, forests, and then their huge resort hotel --  Boyfriend Miguel is loaded!  

In their room, Dad complains about the cold and criticizes the "jackass" Father-in_Law (Gabriel Goity) because he said that the hotel was built by his grandfather (what a crime!).  Boyfriend Miguel thinks that the families are getting closer (weren't you paying attention, dude?).  

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit