Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7: Kelvin and Pontius have their nards threatened, Gideon finds his voice, and skaters show their d*cks
Earlier in the episode, we saw Eli and Lori breaking up, Kelvin hiding in his treehouse after the roundtable debacle, Judy jealous of a monkey, and Gideon finding a way to be true to himself. Now it's time for Baby Billy
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Teenjus Meets the Devil: In the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere." (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town). Holding his children and complaining about having to "babysit," Baby Billy directs a scene where Teenjus (Matthew Garbacz) is tempted by the Devil. He doesn't project enough and he can't remember his line, so Baby Billy fires him and decides to play Teenjus himself.
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Teenjus Meets the Devil: In the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere." (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town). Holding his children and complaining about having to "babysit," Baby Billy directs a scene where Teenjus (Matthew Garbacz) is tempted by the Devil. He doesn't project enough and he can't remember his line, so Baby Billy fires him and decides to play Teenjus himself.
The Devil points out that he's not a teen, but "You ain't the Devil. It's called acting."
Tiffany and the Nanny arrive late. He lambasts them, which upsets Tiffany: "You got time for everything but us." She suggests that he quit, so he can spend more time with the family. They have enough money. Nope, it's not enough. "I been on this stardom train before, and you got to get it while you can."
"Is that all that matters to you?" Tiffany asks, reflecting Lori asking if money is all Eli cares about earlier in the episode. Baby Billy: "My job is very important to me. Now stop being difficult and take these kids to get some ice cream." She snarls. What will he finally choose, fame or family?
An Eight Ball and $2 Million: The Board Room. Baby Billy yells at Judy and Jesse for cutting his Teenjus budget by 29% Instead of a cement factory in Goose Creek, he should be in Jordan "filming in some Muslim tombs."
Top photo and left: Jordanian guys.
And by the way, since he's playing Teenjus now, he needs $2 million for reshoots, plus an 8-Ball (3.5 grams) of cocaine. They scoff.
"Where's Kelvin?" he asks. "I can usually talk some sense into him."
They're not speaking to him.
Now Baby Billy yells at them for squabbling, not being a family. They should reconcile with their brother.
That's two partners and your uncle telling you to check in on Kelvin. I suggest that you do it.
Family Visitors: Jesse is going through Kelvin's house, looking for him. He checks the foyer, a hallway with baseball-sized gummi bears mounted on the wall, the bedroom, and then back to the foyer. Nitpick: The bedroom is on the ground floor. In Season 2, it was on the second floor.
Judy appears, claiming that she had to poop, and Kelvin's house was the closest.
They discuss how bad they feel about his debacle, how scared he looked -- and holy sh*t, Keefe is the next room, hanging upside down on a harness. "My word, family visitors!" he exclaims.
Some fans have pointed out that he's using a BDSM swing for yoga. This is the room with the massage table -- which can double as a bondage table. So we know what kind of games the guys play.
He brings them to the treehouse, but it's hopeless: "I've tried for days. There's no way to get up there."
Jesse knows a way. A ladder?
Cut to Kelvin lying on blankets in his tree house, eating Fiddle Faddle and Bugles and playing with his monster movie toys, when Jesse and Judy knock on the door. They flew up in jetpacks!
They ask why he's not going to the Night of Testimonies: "I'm not a brave, strong leader. I'm a coward."
"So what? You are mean. You are extremely goodback with snitty retorts: "You are extremely good at rips."
Suddenly Keefe bursts in, breaking down the door. Well, he's never used a jetpack before.
"We just put that door in," Kelvin complains.
Check out the cool prop photo of Kelvin and Keefe hugging.
More after the break
Time for the Top Christ Following Man Contest: Vance, in the dressing room, flirts with the makeup girl.
Uh-oh, Kelvin Gemstone isn't there. "He's probably hiding in his mansion in a pink bathrobe," Vance smirks.
Nope, here he comes, all in sequins, followed by Judy, Jesse, and Keefe. Vance doubles-down: "This award goes to the ideal Christian man. Is Little Kelvin even a man?" Little? He's 5'8" and muscular.
"I'm man enough to have my makeup applied already," Kelvin snarks, "So I can get a position in center stage." He runs to the stage. Vance tries to follow, but Keefe blocks him: "You just need a hug."
Night of Testimonies: They have to explain how they came to God. Then an international panel, plus people at home, will vote. The favorite will win.
Forrest Gill (Chad Darnell): In a bathtub, "with alcohol and Valium in my veins..."
Reggie Daniels (Mike Britt): In "the twisted wreckage of my van, with everyone else dead.... "
Vance: After his parents died in a plane crash, God told him that "You and your siblings -- led by you -- will build an empire. And we did it as a family -- a multiracial family!" We notice that the seats in the audience reserved for his family are empty: his siblings want nothing to do with him.
Kelvin's turn: He became a preacher at age 12. "They said I was special, but I just felt different. I spent my whole life trying not to be, until I realized that God sees the real me. He made the real me. And if the real me is good enough for God, it's good enough for everyone."
Keefe and the siblings are frowning -- he's blown it! But he continues: "Different is awesome -- the proof of God's work, the range of his talents." I'm quoting the whole speech because it is awesome. And surprising -- Kelvin has never spoken with any kind of eloquence before.
He continues: "So I came here tonight not to grovel for accolades, but to tell the truth about who I am and what I'm about. My name is Kelvin Gemstone, and I'm a different kind of man. A beautiful man. A gay Top Christ Folllowing Man."
Keefe starts to cry. He's been waiting for Kelvin to Say the Word since the day they met. So have viewers.
This is more significant to Kelvin's character development than the Episode 3.8 kiss, which was really just fanservice, and didn't convince a lot of viewers that Kelvin was gay. As late as Episode 4.5, a fan clinging desperately to heteronormative erasure suggested that maybe he was just pretending. Can there be any doubt after he actually says the word?
He finishes: "And if that's not good enough for this award, I don't need it." He walks off stage.
Jesse, Judy, and Keefe follow him into the foyer.
"Huge brass balls to do that," Jesse points out, "But not part of the plan. Now Chuckle Fuck's definitely going to win."
Judy wants to know what happened to the snark. He was going to lay into Vance.
The stage manager (Dustyn Gulledge) rushes out and calls for Kelvin to come back. He won!
He accepts his trophy to thunderous applause, gold confetti, and the song "Colorful Revolution" by Redwalls:
A sad little boy sat on a soapbox in Market Square
He'd given words for free to all the people there,
And though the song is the same, doesn't matter who plays, it's alright.
We were singing, "Step right up for a colorful revolution."
The end.
No dongs in this episode; I guess we were busy wrapping up the Gideon and Kelvin plot arcs. But I found some Jordanian guys, above, and below, a dong that appeared when I searched for "Dustin Gummidge nude." It turns out that the guy is named Dustyn Gulledge, but the cock was too nice to delete.
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