Good Cop/Bad Cop: A brother-sister cop team, a high school jock with a dark secret, a self-important actor with a tree-trunk

 

Good Cop/Bad Cop dropped on Amazon Prime, but instead of the "you're arrogant!"  will-they-or-won't-they hetero-duo investigating the murder, it's a brother and sister.  So maybe one of them will be gay.  I'm reviewing Episode 1.3, about a high school quarterback's murder, which leads to "dark secrets" being revealed.  "Dark secrets" often involve being gay, so that's two gay prospects.

Scene 1:  Eden Vale Town Square, October 11th. The team, Henry (Luke Cook, left and below), his sister, and an elderly guy named Glen (Robert Coleby), investigates a body -- brought from somewhere else for them to find. Psych!  It's a first aid dummy, sent by rival high school football team Birch Creek to taunt the home team, Eden Vale. 

"Not exactly 'The Case of the Speckled Band,'" Henry says, but they aren't familiar with Sherlock Holmes. Sister Lou wants to discuss the prospects of the Eden Vale high school football team -- they just got a new QB (quarter back) in from Texas, so he's bound to be great.  Do people other than students and parents follow high school football?

Henry isn't interested in sports.  She scoffs. "No wonder you sat by yourself at lunch."  Lack of interest in sports is a queer code.

Then she wants to race him to the police station, but he refuses.  So they're the unrestrained id and overcautious superego pair of most buddy comedies.

Scene 2: A restaurant called The Old Place.  As they drink Coca-Cola from bottles, Chubby Guy (Dan Illic) asks the Hired Muscle (either Tyler Coppin or Jack Ellis), "Do you come here often?" Outdated pickup line, buddy.  

Chubby Guy brought a photo of the new high school QB, Jake Wilson -- "I want him gone -- not dead, just gone." The bad guy is sneezing.  This will become important later.

Cut to the cheerleaders (got to meet that heterosexual male gaze) and then the team practicing. QB takes off his helmet, to the girls gawking.  His teammate found a photo taked to his locker: he is asleep in bed (nice beefcake), with the note: "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever!" Isn't the town he lives in up to his parents?

"It's nothing, just a bad joke."

QB is played by Alex Champion De Crespigny, who is not a 17th century nobleman in the court of the Sun King. According to his aggressivly self-congratulatory profile on the IMDB, he started his career as the most successful journalist in Australia before studying at NIDA and becoming the most famous Australian actor since Hugh Jackman.  

He has seven acting credits listed on the IMDB, all in tv series that became massive hits due to his massive ego...um, I mean talent.  He's also a writer, director, producer, model, superhero, and demigod, and he has a 10 inch dick.

Scene 3: An elderly woman says in Russian ,"If I can't dance, I'd rather be dead!"  She's quoting her ballet instructor as she preps the dancers for the best recital in town history.  

 Wait -- just one dancer, who points out that tonight is the Big Game, so no one will come to the recital.  Not even the dancers.

"Tough, we're still doing the show, just you and me.  It will be great."

Scene 4: At the police station, Sister Lou has two announcements.  First, Henry is buying lunch.  Officer Szczepkowski asks his female coworker, "Is today the day I try calamari?" 

She says "no" in a nasty tone, with a disgusted expression. Was he asking to have sex with her?

Cop Bradley (Scott Lee) is wearing his high school letterman's jacket to support the team.  He calls Henry "brother from another mother," but Henry shoots him down. He hates humans, and human relationships of any type.

Second announcment: Officer Szcz (William McKenna) has been on the force for three months, so he's ready for a solo call! 

But it's just a domestic thing: "The annoying San Francisco couple on Park Ridge found something concerning in their yard."  San Francisco -- euphemism for gay?  No, it's a man-woman couple, just annoying because they're elitist. 

Scene 5: Officer Szcz is nervous, so he insists that his Female Coworker come along on the call.  Wait -- she treated him with disgust and contempt before, and now she's helping him?

They found human bones!  "Do you think this will delay the completion of our swimming pool?"  Har har, but nitpick -- no one in a northern state builds a swimming pool in October.  

Cut to the station, where the QB's teammate, Mark, has reported the "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever" threat.  He's sneezing as he leaves. This will be important later. Hank and Sister Lou want to work on the human remains case, but the Boss wants them on the QB Threat case. 

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Bridger Buckley: Titan, pizza guy, kidnapped footballer, with a practically perfect physique and a donkey d...or is it a camel?

 

I've been watching The Neighborhood (2018-2025) about two nuclear families who are...um...neighbors, because someone on Reddit said that the femme, long-haired Grover (Hank Greenspan) was gay.  So far he hasn't expressed any interest in men or women, or really interacted with anyone outside the two families.

He doesn't appear in Episode 4.10, "Welcome to Jury Duty," (2022), but in the B-plot, Malcolm and Mary rent out their house for a movie, without realizing that it's going to be a porno.  They watch as the Hot Pizza Guy comes to the door -- and are shocked when he starts stripping off-camera.

Hot Pizza Guy is Bridger Buckley -- great name, attractive face, beautiful physique (pectoral perfection except for a dumb tattoo).  He's got one movie and two tv appearances listed on the IMDB, and I'm going to try to watch all of them.

An article in the Washington State Pullman student magazine provides some biographical details: Bridger Buckley grew up in Snohomish, Washington, a suburb of Seattle.  He was an "angry fat kid" who changed his diet, bulked up, and went out for football. -- Snohomish Panthers, class of 2014.  

He went to Washington State Pullman on a football scholarship, but was hit by a car during his sophomore year, resulting in a concussion and two fractured vertebrae.  It took a long time to recover, but eventually he returned to WSU and the football team.  Another injury, this time a badly sprained ankle, put an end to his football career, but not to his fitness goals.

By 2018, he was ranked #44 in West Coast Men in the Crossfit Games.

In 2019, he competed in The Titan Games, a sports reality show hosted by Dwayne Johnson: Fitness trainers, paramedics, accountants, soccer coaches, and other amateurs with amazing physiques faced Greek mythology-type challenges. 

Bridger won the Hammering Ram and Mount Olympus, permitting him to go on to the Battle of the Titans and win Herculean Pull,  In the season finale, The Titan Championship, he lost the Uprising (pulling an anvil through a series of concrete barriers).

 James-Jean Louis, a truck driver from Miami Beach, was named top male Titan.

After graduating from WSU Pullman in 2019, Bridger pursued a career as a fitness trainer and model.  He won #3 in the Male Commercial Actor of the Year Awards at the IMTA (International Modeling and Talent Association).

And he began auditioning:

1. The Neighborhood (2022)

2. NCIS, Episode 13.10 (2022), "Where Loyalties Lie": A scientist working with the marines is murdered, and her advanced technology stolen, so the NCIS team has to "race against the clock" to catch the baddie.   Bridger has a walk-on.

More after the break

"The Residence": Murder at the White House, with a gay President, suit guy dicks, and Randall Park's butt

 

I wanted to see The Residence, a new Netflix comedy about a murder at the White House, because it has a gay character: the President. The Observer review specifies: "it's rarely discussed and simply accepted as part of the narrative landscape."  Buttigieg in 2028!  

Besides, I love a guy in a suit, and the White House will be full of them.

Episode 1 is "The Fall of the House of Usher," a reference to the Poe story.  

Scene 1: Thunder rumbles.  We pass the busts and portraits of former presidents.  An older man in a tuxedo (Giancarlo Esposito) walks down a busy hall, being greeted by passersby.  He peers down at a reception, and then a formal dinner with hundreds of people attending, including the Prime Minister of Australia.  There's a knock on the door, a woman screams, and we cut to the evening's entertainment, Kylie Minogue. The camera zooming through the hallways is making me dizzy.  Back to the screaming woman, who looks like Jane Curtin.  The older man is dead!

Left: this is supposed to be Giancarlo's penis, but all I see is a suitcase with a foot on it. 

Scene 2: The Capitol, a few months later.  A Congressional Hearing about the murder and the investigation that followed.  First to witness: Jasmine, the Chief Usher, in charge of overseeing the Executive Residence (the 3rd floor residence of the President and his family). 

Flashback to Jasmine sitting in the very authentic-looking Blue Room, drinking while she's supposed to be working. A waiter asked if she talked to him, and advises that she not do something she'll regret. Like murder?  "Too late, I already did."  

Suddenly Agent Rausch (a woman) appears, and brings her upstairs, where the President's best friend Harry Hollinger (Ken Marino, left) says that there's been an incident, and she has to keep everyone away from the second and third floors.  

Jasmine refuses to do it because she's only the assistant usher.  She thought she was going to be the chief usher, but it was made very clear that she wouldn't, so ask the actual Chief Usher, A. B. 

Ulp -- A.B. is the murder victim!

Scene 3: Jasmine takes the elevator down, and flashes back to meeting A.B. on the same elevator earlier that evening. She congratulates him on his upcoming retirement, but he announces that he's not retiring after all, so no Chief Usher job for her.  She bangs the doors and screams.  

Later Jasmine returns to a roomful of people, including the President's friend Hollinger, Secret Service Agent Trask, the FBI director, the head of the National Park Police, and Lawrence Dokes, chief of the Washington, DC metropolitan police. 

Scene 4: Testimony switches to Chief Dokes (Isiah Whitlock, Jr.).  He explains that the White House is his jurisdiction.  No, it's not.    

Back at the crime scene, he brings in Cordelia Cupp, the greatest detective in the world, to help out.  She's on the South Lawn, bird watching. Best Friend Hollinger insists that it was a suicide, so they don't need an investigation.

Cordelia enters, discussing Teddy Roosevelt's list of birds (a real thing), and examines the body and the room -- it was locked from the inside -- a locked room mystery!   

Next she interviews the person who found the body: the President's mother-in-law, Jane Curtin in a bathrobe, who was watching a movie on tv.  She didn't go to the dinner because she doesn't like talking to people, especially her son's husband, the President.  First indication that the President is gay at Minute 14.  She heard a thump and a door close, and investigated to find the body in the Game Room.  

Cordelia gets a tour of the various other bedrooms, gym, music room, and solarium.  The President's brother Tripp was asleep, heard the scream, and went back to bed.  Best Friend Hollinger has a room there, too, which makes Cordelia suspicious.

Hollinger explains the severity of the situation: the last administration pissed off the Australians (and the Canadians, and the Danes, and...well, everybody), and this is a state dinner designed to smooth over relations.  They need to figure out what happened and put the least disastrous spin on it in 45 minutes.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

"Twin Peaks: The Return": Paranormal weirdness, 25 years later. See if you can figure it out. With Beymer butt and James' junk

  

We've been watching the 1990s cult classic Twin Peaks, about paranormal, cryptic, and just weird events befalling FBI agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLaughlan) as he investigates the murder of high schooler Laura Palmer, who had "lots of secrets."  And now we're on Twin Peaks: The Return (2017-18), a continuation of the original story.  

Some problems:

1. People stare for lengthy periods before speaking, and then speak slo-www-ly.  If conversations occurred at a normal pace, each episode would be ten minutes long.

2. About half of every episode consists of a naked woman talking to a fully-clothed man.  Granted, some of the men are attractive, but there's no way to look at them without seeing a lot of lady parts.

3. The story makes no friggin* sense.

See if you can figure out what's going in the first 2 episodes, plus a scene.

Red Room:  The original series ended with many unresolved plotlines, notably Agent Cooper (left) losing his (second) True Love and being possessed by the malevolent spirit Bob.    

In 2016, we discover that Agent Cooper was split into three parts.  The Doppleganger, controlled by the evil Bob, was loosed upon the world.  His body, now named Dougie, moved to Las Vegas, got a job in insurance, had a wife and a kid, and now consorts with naked prostitutes who stare at him for a lo...ong time.  Agent Cooper's spirit was trapped in the Red Room, where the other spirits make cryptic remarks, talk backwards, and stare at him for a lo...ong time. 

Still trapped, Agent Cooper's spirit is talking to the Giant Alien, who told him that "the owls are not what they seem," one of the big unresolved mysteries of the original.  Now Giant Alien tells him to listen to the sounds on an old Victrola. 

Twin Peaks: The psychiatrist who counseled and had sex with Laura Palmer, now batshit crazy, is in his survivalist cabin, waiting for delivery of a bunch of shovels. 

New York: A young man (James Croak) has a job sitting in an empty room, staring at a large round window, to see if anything happens.  A girl from the coffee shop drops by, hoping to have sex with him, but he can't because the security guard is watching, and he's not allowed visitors.  No one should know what's going on.  Doing a good job!

Twin Peaks: Benjamin Horne (Richard Beymer of West Side Story, top photo), owner of the Great Northern Hotel and the One Eyed Jacks casino and brothel, who had sex with Laura Palmer before she died, was last seen going batshit crazy and thinking that he was a Civil War General. In 2016, he is telling a newly hired lady about the hotel rules.   His younger brother comes in, lambasts him for hiring someone else to have sex with, and talks about his new business, marijuana.

Meanwhile, at the sheriff's office, Lucy the Receptionist turns away a salesman who wants to see "the sheriff," because he doesn't know which he wants: there are three of them, two named Truman, and one is sick.  The other is Robert Forster (left), the brother of the Sheriff Harry Truman who buddy-bonded with Agent Cooper 25 years ago.

Unknown Location: The Agent Cooper Doppelganger gets out of his car  and bangs on the door of an isolated house.  After disabling the guard, he goes inside and stares for a lo...ong time at several people who will never appear again. He criticizes one for having inadequate guards, but she explains that "it's a world of truck drivers."  

She fetches a man (George Griffith) and a woman, and they hug everyone else in the house -- I forget how many people -- and leave with the Doppelganger.

New York: The coffee shop girl visits the young man who has a job staring at a window, with more coffee.  This time the security guard is out, so he invites her in.  They begin sex: she is naked, her backside bouncing, her breasts heaving, while we get a glimpse of his chest. Pay careful attention, as that's the only beefcake you'll be seeing amid the endless heaving breasts.  Then a wraith comes through the window and slashes them to death.  

Buckhorn, South Dakota.  An apartment has a weird smell coming out of it, so a resident calls the police.  There's a long, involved bit about who is in charge and who has the key, with a lot of characters who never appear again, until the lady realize that she has the key.  Oy vey.  Inside the apartment is the school librarian's head on the decapitated body of an older, chubby man.  We never find out who he is, or why the killer arranged them like that.

Twin Peaks: Sheriff Hawk receives a phone call from the batshit-crazy Log Lady, whose pet log has psychic powers.  It has a cryptic message explaining that the disappearance of Agent Cooper 25 years ago was related to Sheriff Hawk's Native American heritage and "something missing."

Buckhorn, South Dakota: The Forensics Lab has a match on the fingerprints in the decapitated librarian's apartment: they belong to the high school principal. (Matthew Lillard). So two agents and two cops, including the principal's best friend George, arrest him.  "It's all a mistake," he yells. 

Twin Peaks: To discover "what's missing," Sheriff Hawk pulls all of the files on Agent Cooper, and he and Receptionist Lucy go through them.  She ate a chocolate rabbit from some Easter evidence, but that's not it: his heritage has nothing to do with Easter bunnies.

Buckhorn, South Dakota: The Principal is interrogated about the decapitated people.  He was not having an affair with the librarian, and he was never in her apartment.  He can account for all of his activities on Thursday, except for about 15 minutes.  They lock him up, then get a warrant to go search his car.  There's either a human tongue or a piece of fish in the trunk.

The wife visits the Principal in prison to tell him that she framed him so she can pursue a romance with his best friend, George (Neil Dickson).  As she leaves, we see another cell occupied by a guy in an old-fashioned Davy Crocket outfit, covered with soot.  He vanishes.

At home, the Doppelganger tells the wife that she did a good job pretending to be a human being, and shoots her.

More non sequiters after the break