The 11 years I lived in Los Angeles were the best of my life. Imagine having a job interview at Paramount Studios. Driving down Sunset Boulevard, past Chateau Marmont and the Comedy Store, on the way to work. Running into John Amos at the gym and Richard Dreyfuss at the Bodhi Tree. Living two blocks from Mickey's and the Different Light. Buying groceries at the West Hollywood Safeway, where everyone is gay. So of course I'm going to watch a tv show called I Love LA., even though it's about zillenial ladies with influencer problems.
Plus, the ladies have a gay friend, played by Jordan Firstman (who showed his stuff in Rotting in the Sun, below). In an era where gay starring characters on tv suddenly turn straight (Dr. Who, Klaus in The Umbrella Academy, Will Byers on Stranger Things) or their shows are cancelled after one season, maybe secondary character will have staying power.
Firstman's cock
Scene 1: It's Maia's 27th birthday, and she's having energetic sex with her boyfriend (Josh Hutcherson); his chest visible, she is fully clothed. There's an earthquake, but she thinks that he is being extra-energetic, har har.
Scene 2: Maia on the toilet, while Boyfriend brushes her teeth. They discuss a girl in Boyfriend's class, whom Maia hates, but Josh gives the benefit of the doubt: she's only 12, entitled to be bitchy.
Next topic: Why Maia gets so many UTIs (as we know from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, that happens when your boyfriend is extra...um...capacious).
Next topic: Maia is a year older today, so does she look like an ugly old hag, or is she still as ugly as yesterday? There's no way to answer that without getting in trouble, buddy.
And why is she still an assistant? She should be a manager by now. She's an utter failure!
"You could ask your Boss for a promotion."
"I could, but I have to time it right." She looks at a photo on her phone of a woman gazing lustfully at the camera while shoving her finger in her mouth. This depresses her.
Scene 2: On the street. Still depressed, Maia watches as her Black Friend gets out of a fancy car, runs across the street, and hugs her. "Happy birthday!" As they discuss how much Alyssa hates her hair style, two gay guys walk up. Her Gay Friend (Firstman) waves goodbye, says "I love you!", blows a bunch of kisses, then admits to his friends that he has no idea who the guy is: "I've literally never met him before."
He's Jason, played by Rion Fletcher (nude photo after the break). This is his only appearance on the show.
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Scene 3: The three walk down a jogging path in a part of L.A. that I've never seen before. Maia asks about Tallulah's Heaven campaign: it was months ago, but she's still "breadcrumbing it" at $10,000 per post -- a ridiculously low amount! Plus she lives in...ugh..New York! The friends agree that she's a joke, not worth Maia's time.
"Oh...um...we were friends five years ago, but now I hate her, of course. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday."
"You're still in contact?" Gay Friend scoffs. "Block her! You don't see me hanging out with Avici anymore, do you?"
"Well, he died."
Gay Friend rushes off to cruise a guy. Maybe he didn't want to deal with the grief over his dead friend, or maybe he's just horny.
Next topic: Maia is worried that at 27, she's over the hill, no longer a useful member of society.
"Nonsense!" Black Friend exclaims. "My Dad won his first Oscar at age 28! You still have, like three good years left!"
Back to Tallulah: "Block her! You can't keep living in the past!" Gay Friend chants "Block! Block! Block!" until she does -- "and I feel amazing!" She yells "Love you, bitches!," and rushes away. Is that a term of endearment now?
She climbs the stairs to a workshop. I don't know what they make or design here, but the staff is all women.
Left: So far the only male characters have been the button-down schoolteacher Boyfriend and the swishy stereotype Firstman, so here's Colin Woodell, who plays Ben in two episodes (not this one).
Alyssa, Founder and Principal, is getting a manicure. "Happy birthday! How old are you now?"
Maia tells her.
"Ugh, 27, that's rough. Better than 28, though. 28 -33 are like 'Kill me!'"
"What happens at 34?"
"Bitch, there isn't anyone over 33!"
Maia points out that she developed Grayson's Chipotle Bowl, which sold a lot of corn, so she should be promoted to manager.
"Nope, sorry, I can't promote you to manager unless you have experience being a manager." That sounds like a Catch-22, but it's actually how human resources work: you must have done this job, or you couldn't possibly do this job.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Scene 5: Night. Maia walks home, distraught over being elderly and a dismal failure. Whoops, Tallulah, the woman she blocked, is in her apartment! Tuns out that she's the finger-in-mouth lady whose photo upset Maia earlier.
"Surprise, Bitch! I love your ridiculously short hair and your smell!"
Boyfriend leaves them alone to get re-acquainted, naturally. Can't have too much testosterone around.
Left: Boyfriend's junk, from Futureman.
Tallulah tells a long, involved story about being tackled by the security guard at the airport, then criticizes the apartment and tries to rope Maia into getting drunk. At least I can tell why you dropped her.
Scene 6: Tallulah talks Maia into going out to a club, but everybody there is like 19, accentuating her depression over being elderly. The line is very long. "Couldn't we go somewhere else?" "No, it has to be here. I want to dance!" Right, there's only one straight dance club in LA.
They discuss the various guys Tallulah is dating, and her hope of getting roofied tonight. "It's so fun!"
I'm fast forwarding past their endless conversation. Finally Maia tries to avoid the line by telling the bouncer (who is a woman, dang it) that she has IBS, and needs to use the bathroom right now.
Left: Ben Feldman, who appears in one episode. I think this is going to be women having boring conversations all the way to Minute 35.
They finally make it into the bar. Maia agrees to do "one" birthday shot, and awakens the next morning in her bed.
Scene 7: After some mishaps involving not looking before you cross the road, Maia and Tallulah arrive at some sort of business in a house with the entrance downstairs. Black Friend and Gay Friend are there, and pretend to be happy to see Tallulah.
"Sorry we're so late," Maia tells them. Wait -- she works at Alissa 180. Does she have a second job?
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Ok, this is the Friends' extremely elegant house. I don't know what they do, but they are super-affluent. Maia and Tallulah are late for brunch -- bagels with salmon (beats lox).
Problem: Tallulah hates bagels. Maia usually loves them, but she's hungover, bloated, and elderly, so not today. This makes Gay Friend very upset.
Black Friend gets very upset over a handbag that she left in her Pacific Palisades house. I don't understand her explanation, but this super-superficial friend group is fragmenting rapidly.
Gay Friend gets jealous because the two ladies went out last night, and didn't invite him: "I thought today was the big celebration." She can't entertain a visiting friend without inviting you?
Maia tries to console him: "We're doing fun things today, too. Erewhon, Aralda, get our nails done, then face masks..."
I'm fast forwarding past their very boring discussions. Maia pretends to be called away for a "work emergency," Gay Friend leaves because he's leaving, and Black Friend and Tallulah decide to have fun with each other.
Scene 8: Montage of Black Friend and Tallulah smoking marijuana, going to Erewhon (an organic grocery store), flashing their boobs at the Scientology building, and going to the beach. Meanwhile, Maia tries to change the dinner reservation and has Boyfriend pick out a very revealing outfit for tonight.
Left: Rion from Scene 2.
Scene 9: They arrive at the fancy restaurant for the birthday dinner. The hostess leads them up and up and up, while they discuss Boyfriend's "perfect dick." I expected them to be seated by the trash cans next to the break room, but it turns out that her super-rich friends pulled a few strings and got them a suite.
"But what about dinner?"
"Oh, we're not having dinner. The food here sucks." At least they have cake, but it says "Tallulah."
"And we invited your Boss and your Assistant from work. Surprise!"
Maia angrily runs into the bathroom. Tallulah follows, and they have a heart to heart: she's been there for two seconds, and taken over her life. "Everything comes so easy for you, and I'm a fucking flop."
Tallulah suggest that she could be Maia's manager, and help her become a success.
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I'm fast-forwarding past their heart-to-heart to their reconciliation. They return to the party, where a heavily tattooed stripper has been added. Male, for a change (Dritton Hays).
Beefcake: Just Dritton and a little of the Boyfriend.
Other Sights: Some exteriors of L.A. that I don't recognize.
Heterosexism: Just the first sex scene.
Gay Characters: The swishy Gay Friend.
The Plot: I have no idea what this was about. Everyone hates Tallulah, then love her. She ruins everything, then saves the day. Which of these people am I supposed to root for? And life is short: who has time for endless boring conversations about nothing?
My Grade: D.
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