"The Stranger": The one with a Kai Alexander butt, an alpaca-biter, Eddy from "Absolutely Fabulous," and two heterosexual horndogs
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Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.
Previous: Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus
In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover. They go out to dinner and beat up a tough. Now we see the aftermath.
Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come." In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?
Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of sexual scandals," with $4 million missing. Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993. When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude."
A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism. They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?" He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter. He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."
There are several takeaways here. First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion?
Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.
Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.
Execretions and Hep C Loads: After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on. Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex. He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.
Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot." So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time.
She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family. Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family." But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal. The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.
As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere. This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.
Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine. Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost. Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats." I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers. There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity.
But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!
On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional. The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.
After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore. This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free? Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.
You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff. Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.
The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance. He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.
Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.
The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job. Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.
Nude Texas dudes after the break
Everybody Loves Greg: Vincent Martella grows up, plays Phineas, dates some guys. With some d*cks and Skyler Gisondo
We've been watching Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009) on Hulu: a nostalgia sitcom featuring the childhood adventures of comedian Chris Rock, who provided the commentary. In the 1980s, young Chris (Tyler James Williams) attended an all-white middle school, where everyone hated him, except his teacher, who pitied him for..stereotype of the week.
He had a bully with an endless supply of racist terms (Travis Flory), a white best friend (Vincent Martella), and at home, Dad with about 35 jobs (Terry Crews), way overbearing Mom (Tichina Arnold), bratty little sister (Imani Hakim), and a little brother (Tequan Richmond), who was bigger, and far more attractive: everybody was in love with him, which was usually fine,but a problem around Valentine's Day, when the truckloads of cards, candy, and wedding proposals arrived.
It was quite homophobic, even for the 2000s. Chris Rock's commentary displayed revulsion and disgust whenever he could: "Hey, this ain't Brokeback!" One episode featured Chris befriending a gay student, but they called him "androgynous."
Nearly 20 years later, the cast varies on their level of homophobia, from Terry Crewes and Tyler James Williams (ugh!).
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To Tequan Richmond and Imani Hakim (allies)
To Vincent Martella, seen here at a Clippers game with Mikey Reid.
After Chris, he became the voice of Phineas in the animated Phineas and Ferb, which is endless: 140 episodes from 2007-2025, plus thousands of movies: Christmas Vacation, Across the Second Dimension, Mission Marvel....
Vincent has done some other animation work, like the video game Final Fantasy XIII, Batman: Death in the Family, and Disney Infinity
Left: Vincent and Mikey have fun during the COVID quarantine.
Vincent's live-action work includes Patrick in three episodes of The Walking Dead: he is a member of a zombie holocaust survivor community in an abandoned prison. Then he get sick, dies, zombifies, and creates a new zombie infestation.
I have a question about this Cupid costume.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit
Frederick Koehler: Chip from "Kate and Ally" grows up, shows his d*ck, plays some psychos, and vanishes. With bonus Beau Mirchoff dick
Viewers who saw this in a 2004 episode of the prison drama Oz were shocked. Not by the nudity -- there were lots of nude guys.
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Not because he was Andrew Schillinger, 20-year old son of the white supremacist prisoner Vern Schillinger.
Not even because he was a heroin addict who would be given a batch by an unscrupulous guard and die of an overdose.
Because we were looking at the dick and butt of a grown-up Chip.
Although he had appeared in Judging Amy, Ally McBeal, Profiler, Gideon's Crossing, Charmed, and A Kiss Before Dying, Fred Koehler was famous for Kate and Allie (1984-89), a sitcom starring two recognizable 1970s tv stars, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James, a free spirit-stick in the mud couple living together. Fred Koehler played their 10-15 year old son, Chip
No, they weren't lesbians, although they pretended to be in an early example of a "let's pretend to be gay to get some of their incredible privileges" episode.
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To quote Sally in Peanuts, isn't the grown-up Frederick "the cutest thing"? Short, rather husky, with a round, handsome face and a befuddled expression that makes him perfect for roles as oddball outsiders with no heterosexual interests. Instead, they are gay-vague, yearning for love, acceptance, and family.
Like Ben Sharpless, teenage son of the obsessive sheriff Nolan in Birdseye (2002).
Or the mentally handicapped Pemon in Little Chenier (2006).
More after the break
"The Things We Do For Love": Based on the 10cc song
Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river.
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea.
You lay your bets and then you pay the price -- the things we do for love.
Communication is the problem, not the answer.
Communication is the problem, not the answer.
You've got his number and your hand is on the phone.
The weather's turned, and all the lines are down -- the things we do for love.
Like walking in the rain and the snow, when there's nowhere to go.
Like walking in the rain and the snow, when there's nowhere to go.
And you're feeling like a part of you is dying.
And you're looking for the answer in his eyes. 
You think you're going to break up, then he says he wants to make up.
A compromise would surely help the situation.
You think you're going to break up, then he says he wants to make up.
A compromise would surely help the situation.
Agree to disagree. but disagree to part.
When after all it's just a compromise of the things we do for love.
More after the break
Peder Lindell: Gay skater from Montana, gay Catholic guy, magician, zombie, and pilot, with possible Peder penis
Ok, this time I checked in advance, so I don't get tricked by another interloper on the red carpet.
The Disney wiki lists Peder Lindell in the cast of The Rise of the Red as Morgie, the teenage son of Morgan Le Fay from the Arthurian mythos.
The character does not appear in earlier "Descendants" movies or tv shows, but he looks like he might be gay.
The character does not appear in earlier "Descendants" movies or tv shows, but he looks like he might be gay.
Peder grew up in Northfield, Minnesota, and began acting at age 11. with a role in a stage version of On Golden Pond at the Minnesota Jungle Theater. He went on to star in Gypsy, and then as Jason, a closeted gay student at a homophobic Catholic school, in Bare: A Pop Opera.
Jordan Luke Gage played Jason in the West End revival. Spoiler alert: the gay dude dies.
Peder is currently a theater arts major at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles.
Jordan Luke Gage played Jason in the West End revival. Spoiler alert: the gay dude dies.
Peder is currently a theater arts major at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles.
He has his pilot's license and certification as an Advanced Rescue Diver and Emergency First Responder.
And he has a boyfriend and a little dog.
Of his six acting credits on the IMDB, three are shorts:
And he has a boyfriend and a little dog.
Of his six acting credits on the IMDB, three are shorts:
Out of My Hands, about a guy with a gun, aired at the Catalina Film Festival.
Leak seems to be about a guy in a jar.
Scraps depicts a gay romance between skateboarders in Montana in the homophobic early 2000s. It's the "first Montana LGBTQ skate film."
Peder penis after the break
Gemstones Episode 2.1 Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and some boners
In the last scene, Keefe is excluded from Sunday dinner with the family. Now we see what he missed:
Judy and BJ accused of betraying the family because they got married at Disney World (by Prince Eric, the "hottest guy in the Disney catalog").
There's also a jab at Kelvin's muscle obsession. But it’s not just homoerotic desire. Heterosexual desire is also incompatible with the family: when Jesse disses Judy for not being a mother, she argues that she's trying to keep her body "foine" to incite BJ's desire. Nope, they need to have a family.
Left and below: Jonah Hauer-King, who played Prince Eric in the Litle Mermaid movie.
More Disruptions: We cut to Eli playing croquet, gazing at women's butts, and flirting with a lady. Suddenly Junior, his friend from his wrestling days, appears amid sinister music! Eli ignores him and drives away. A homoerotic disruption of Eli's heterosexual dalliance, parallel to the God Squad disrupting the nuclear family procession earlier.
Next, the Jesse-Amber plot, a new Christian-themed resort, Zion's Landing, proposed by their megachurch pastor chums, Lyle and Lindy Lissons. Jesse doesn't have any money of his own, so he'll have to convince Eli to invest. He's got a job at the church; he should get a salary. Daddy Eli is super over-controlling, like his daddy was, and like Kelvin will be with his homoerotic Band of Brothers.
"Uh-oh, my mans!" Kelvin exclaims, rushing forward to tell Keefe "You are looking great!" In Southern Coastal grammar, "mans" is singular, "mens" plural. He means Keefe.
Keefe tries to move in for a kiss, but Kelvin blocks him with an awkward hug. He tries again, and Kelvin blocks him again. Finally he makes a blatant "enough!" gesture and backs off. Judy finds this little dance hilarious. It reflects the couple's conflict this season: Keefe wants to join the family as Kelvin's partner, the equivalent of BJ, sitting at the dinner table being criticized, while Kelvin isn't sure that same-sex romance is even possible. His muscle cult is about desire: no love allowed.
We cut to Eli in his office, watching a tv news show: Thaniel Block being interviewed about the "salacious scandal" story that took down Pastor Butterfield. How famous was this guy? I thought he was just the anonymous pastor of a satellite church. They preach "sex only between married heterosexual partners, or you're going to hell," but privately they do everything under the sun. Who will he target next? Maybe Kelvin-- "Secretly gay youth minister holds wild orgies with his stable of muscle boys." Ulp.
Damn, we got old: Later, Eli is standing at the docks, worrying, when Junior approaches him and grabs him from behind, another homoerotic intrusion into his heteronormative life. Junior complains that Eli forgot that he existed.
Then: "We got old. I look like a piece of shit, but damn! You look sturdy! Still got that mass going on!" He grabs Eli's butt to check. Sort of presumptuous, dude, thinking that your ex will still be into you after fifty years.
Eli thinks that Junior plans to blackmail him over revealing their days as loan enforcers (and lovers?), but he claims that he's just there for nostalgia, looking up an old friend. "Why you all nervous, Eli? Why are you bein' all weird?" In this series, "weird" usually refers to sexual frustration.
Junior tries to hug him again, but Eli pushes him away. On a scale of 1 to 100, how certain are you that these guys spent the psychedelic 1970s enjoying free love?
As Eli walks away, Junior guilts him into a dinner invitation.
Sticky Stephens: Nuclear families are eating at Sticky Stephens, a parody of the Sticky Fingers Restaurant in Charleston that closed down in 2020. Both sound dirty. The 1972 Rolling Stones album of that name depicted a pair of jeans with an enormous bulge, leaving no question about why the fingers are sticky.
Junior points out a kissing couple: "Damn, look at that piece of tail he's with!" Ok, so he's bi. Everybody watches as the man, Randall (Rene Rivera), lifts his girl onto the counter so they can have sex right in the restaurant! Why doesn't someone on staff intervene? Eli yells at him to "tone down romance," and Randall yells "Suck my dick, Grandpa." But the couple leaves.
Over dinner, Junior reveals that he's now a wrestling promoter: "I got a stable full of fellas I keep working." Tell me more, tell me more. What do they do besides wrestling? Stripping? Sex work?
"I wonder what my Daddy would think about you and me being reunited," Junior says. Eli answers: "He put us together, so he would think he did a pretty good job." Except they were separated for a lifetime. That's not a great job of matchmaking.
Junior says that his Daddy just disappeared one day, setting up a major mystery of the Season: Did Eli murder Glendon Marsh?
Proper erections after the break. Warning: explicit
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