Gemstones Episode 2.5: Yep, Kelvin is gay. But there's embezzlement and murder, too. and some accountant cocks

 

Previous: Episode 2.4, Continued: Patricide, cake, and frolicking muscleboys

Title: "Interlude II."  Episode 2.5 is a flashback to Christmas 1993, shortly after Baby Billy abandoned his wife, son, and cat at a shopping mall in Charlotte.  Since two of the season's big questions are "Did Eli kill Glendon Marsh?" and "Is Junior trying to kill to get revenge?" I expect that we'll get some Eli-Glendon back story.

Knives or nunchuks? As the family is photographed at the Gemstone Christmas tree, Judy torments 4-year old Kelvin.  Jesse says that he's going to give him a weapon for Christmas, so he can defend himself: "Knives, or nunchuks."  Eli forbids him from giving his brother weapons.  Jesse complains that the kid going to grow up to be "a pussy": someone who doesn't like to do things and is afraid of everything.  Sounds sort of like a gay stereotype.

You have to think of the optics: Eli is planning to move the Salvation Center to a giant coliseum.  The church board complains that he can't afford it: he's already spent church money on a private zoo and amusement park.  Hey, that's embezzlement!  They also advise that "the rich pastor is not a good look."  But Eli won't listen: "I cannot imagine a more ridiculous comment.  Big means success. People want to see something bigger than life." Well, this is during the tail-end of the Reagan-Bush "wealth is virtue" era.

"But we're spending more than we have!" accountant Terry (Mike Ostroski) complains. Gulp: Eli fires him!

Get that boy some mousse: Baby Billy shows up unexpectedly, having abandoned his wife Gloria and son (he claims that they abandoned him, but Aimee-Leigh calls her and discovers the truth).  

We see a close-up of Billy's butt as he drinks a glass of water. Kelvin: "Dang, Baby Billy is thirsty."  He's referring to the water, of course, but viewers will be drawn to the phrase "thirst trap."  Does Kelvin think that his uncle is hot?  Remember that in Season 1, the adult Kelvin and Judy comment on the attractiveness of their grown-up nephew Gideon.  

Baby Billy tells Kelvin that his estranged wife said:  "You have the most boring haircut in the world.  Get that boy some mousse."  Kelvin is upset (concerned with his appearance, a gay stereotype). Remember that the adult Kelvin uses mousse to create that upward wave.

Later, Kelvin demonstrates that he can play the harpsichord blindfolded (um..big deal?  Nobody looks down at the keys while playing).  Baby Billy calls him a prodigy and hugs and kisses him, obviously looking for a brainy replacement for his special-needs son.  The siblings scoff.  This musical talent is never referenced again.

The Return of Glendon Marsh:  As Eli walks through the office, everyone smiles and says "Good morning, Dr. Gemstone."  Everybody.  It looks creepy rather than friendly. "Be nice, or he'll turn you into a toad." 

His new accountant, Martin, starts off on the wrong foot by sitting in his chair!  

 Glendon Marsh, Eli's boss when he was wrestling and breaking thumbs back in Memphis, shows up unexpectedly and asks him to take care of $3,000,000 that he doesn't want the government to know about, and he can keep $1,000,000 for his trouble.  Hey, that's money laundering!  But Eli has already been embezzling, so what's the difference?  Aimee-Leigh and Martin disapprove, and Eli finally refuses. 

The Sleepover:  Baby Billy and Kelvin are playing hide-and-seek or something on bunk beds, while Jesse lies in a sleeping bag.   The top bunk is fenced in, so you don't accidentally fall out.  This must be Kelvin's room. 

Judy enters with her own sleeping bag, angry that she wasn't invited to the sleepover.  Jesse explains that it was impromptu: nothing going on in his room, so he came in here, looking for action.  "What'd you find?" Judy asks. "Uncle Tickles molesting Kelvin? Flopping that little dong?" This is the first of three pedophilia references this season, and another of  the incessant digs about Kelvin's penis. 

Baby Billy tells her to "hush that kind of talk.  Ain't nobody playing dong pong in here."  But suddenly Kelvin doesn't want his uncle to sleep with them. Wait -- I thought they had a special bond.  Is it because of the pedophilia accusation?  Or is he self-conscious because Judy dissed his penis?

Muscle and Fitness: Holy sh*t, there's a cover of  Muscle and Fitness magazine taped to the wall!  It's only visible for a second before Judy turns off the light, but holy sh*t. "Mama, please buy me that magazine.  I know I can't read yet -- I want to look at the hot guys."

If it is meant to signify Kelvin's interest in muscle, why just a man on the cover?  I worked for Muscle and Fitness back in the day, and the cover always featured a man and a woman together or a celebrity bodybuilder like Lou Ferrigno.  The set dresser  chose  this one deliberately to signify that Kelvin likes men  (or had it made up. That cover did not appear on any issue from 1990 to 1995).

More after the break

Chase Carlson: Bodybuilder, gay adult video performer, Power Ranger, but no movie or tv roles. Who's complaining?

 

This picture appeared on the Male Celebrity Tumblr: Chase Carlson holding a rather light dumbbell.  Never heard of him, but it was a  celebrity site, which means actor or singer, and I doubt that he's a singer. 

He has 269,000 followers on his Instagram. He says that he wants to become a Power Ranger, but he doesn't appear on the cast list of any Power Rangers tv show.  

In fact, Chase's only credit listed on the IMDB is in Killian Knox show (2022-23), which appears to be gay adult entertainment.  Max Lorde (left), Troy Daniels, and Gunnar Stone also appear.

What else do we know about Chase?

He's won three super-heavyweight titles.

He lives in San Diego.

He is a spokesperson for Meat athletic wear and Mr., a HIV prevention pill.

According to his Facebook page, he grew up in Oskaloosa, Iowa, and graduated from high school in 2009.

A Chase Carlson registered with Mayhem Modeling in 2011, stating that he was interested in acting, stuntwork, runway modeling, fitness modeling, hair/makeup, lifestyle, and hosting.  

Probably not: he gives his height at 6'1", and our Chase is 6'4".

Weight 165, and  our Chase is 331.

Shoe size 10", and our Chase is.... 

More after the break

A new, improved batch of Adam Devine beefcake, bulge, and butt photos. With maybe a d*ck or two.

I thought I had seen every butt, bulge and cock scene in every one of Adam Devine's movies and tv shows, but nope, there are more.  I'm not even going to think of clever comments; let's just get to the goods.

1. From the Righteous Gemstones Season 4 trailer.  Kelvin gets up off his knees and tells Keefe: "This our world now. We can do what we want."  I have  pretty good idea what he wanted, but the question is, did he swallow?

2.  Adam wigggling his jelly roll in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  Wait until you see Zac Efron's bulge later on!

3. Adam as Adam, with a snake and an apple.  I'm not sure about this one.  Butt looks a little too hairy.

4. A very young Adam sports a blatant bulge.

5. A side butt in a hospital gown in Workaholics.

6. Hey, who let the gay guy from Bumper in Berlin in here?

More Adam, Ders, and Tony after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.4, Continued: Patricide, cake, and frolicking muscleboys. With a n*de wrestler bonus.

Previous: Gemstones Episode 2.4: BJ gets baptized, Baby Billy gets Funyons, Kelvin gets dissed, and Harmon gets a cat.  With Israeli and Egyptian men

The Baptism After-Party: An elaborate affair, with many humorous set-pieces that reveal the inner state of the characters:

 

Levi, the only single member of Jesse's crew, dances joyously by himself amid dozens of pink balloons.

A life-sized BJ cake, so you have to cut slices out of his head. 

The outraged Kelvin chooses two cupcakes, carefully removes the pins, places a napkin on top of them, and splat!

Jesse and Amber seethe with rage as Eli dances with a lady.

Eli tries to be friendly to BJ's family, but Judy interrupts him: "They're from Asheville.  They hate God."  "Yes, but God loves them."

When BJ enters in his shiny pink "romper with a cummerbund," his family criticizes him for being feminine, but he counters that men can wear one-pieces.  Then they complain that he is a child, a little baby, not a man at all. (Notice the parallel with Kelvin constantly trying to prove that he is a "fully-grown adult man.").  He's ridiculous, the Gemstones are ridiculous, he's ruining his life.   BJ rushes back to his dressing room and tears off the outfit (some momentary beefcake).

Since when does Eli Gemstone like ladies?;.  As the party is winding down, Kelvin and Jesse meet at the baptistry and discuss how Eli always ruins their plans, "I wish I could fight that man!" Kelvin exclaims.  "I'd destroy him...make him look like a fool."  Eavesdropping, Baby Billy notes that he's wanted to fight Eli many times over the years.

Kelvin tells him that Eli has been having sexual encounters with "multiple somebodies"  Jesse continues: "Dude fancies himself a damn cocksmith...trying to make himself into a big character for the ladies." Interesting that Jesse specifies women, but Kelvin does not.  Women just don't pop into his head when he thinks of sex. 

Baby Billy finds this hard to believe. "Eli Gemstone...with the ladies?"  Why, when you were young, was he just into guys?

All women want to screw their brothers: Judy accosts BJ's sister KJ in the ladies' room, claiming that "siblings have to hate siblings' spouses."  Jesse and Kelvin hate BJ, because he "took her off the market," made her unavailable: "They may be my brothers, but that don't mean they're not sitting in their room at night, thinking they might someday get to hook up with me." Does she not know that Kelvin is gay, or does it not matter?  

KJ protests that Judy's theory is "disgusting": she would never hook up with her brother.  "Well, what if I held a gun to your head?"  Then she might consider it. "I knew it!" Judy exclaims in triumph. "BJ is mine!  Stop fighting me for him!"  

The Fist Fight:  As Keefe passes out the food he stole, Kelvin seethes and bursts balloons,  and KJ complains that the Gemstones are a "train wreck" of a family, BJ throws a piece of cake at her -- which hits Eli just as he is schmoozing with a senator!  "You kids are an embarrassment!" he exclaims.  

As Eli leaves the party, Kelvin appears to yell  him about the Judean desert trip: "You made me look like a fool in front of my men." 

"I'm not spending one cent so you and your muscle boys can frolick in the desert!'   Frolick is feminine: Eli believes that Kelvin is planning an homoerotic orgy in the desert.  Referring to them as muscle boys, not men, enrages Kelvin, and he attacks.  

The two have a fist fight in the foyer of the church, with everyone watching, Keefe and the musclemen doing a chest-pound display of loyalty.  Kelvin throws one of BJ's gifts at Eli: he ducks, and it smashes a picture of Aimee-Leigh.

"You could have killed me!"

"I wish I had!" Kelvin cries.  Wait -- killing your father, hooking up with your siblings.  This episode is overloaded with Freudian symbolism. 

Eli pins him in the thumb-breaking position and demands an apology.  Kelvin refuses, and taunts that he doesn't have "the balls" to actually follow through. A call back to Eli's testicle injury in Episode 2.3, a symbolic castration that has rendered him impotent. 

But Eli does it!  I suppose I don't need to point out that in Freudian theory, the thumb is a stand-in for the penis, so Kelvin's broken thumbs represent  yet another symbolic castration.  But this time it is the father who performs the castration, rendering his own son impotent. 

More after the break