"Warm Bodies": A zombified Nicholas Hoult meets a girl. With Rob Conddrey cock

 

I'm going to have to stop this "Give me four movies to select from" strategy for Movie Night.  Last night my choices were:

Stand by Me: Same-sex love among homophobic kids vanishes when they grow up and get married. Geez.

Bad Hair: A horror movie about hair care products?

All of Us Strangers: Bereaved gay gay falls in love with a ghost? F*k the Sadness.

Warm Bodies.  Nicholas Hoult, on the icon, was cute, and how could a movie about zombies go wrong?

A zombie (Nicholas) narrates. He can't remember his name, but later his human girlfriend names him R, as in Romeo or ARRR!  His limited cognitive ability means that he doesn't remember what happened, sparing us scenes about the origin of the zombie Apocalypse. 

Left: Nicholas butt.

ARRR spends most of his time plodding around the Montreal-Trudeau airport with the other zombies, hanging out with his friend MMM (Rob Conddry) -- all they do is grunt at each other, but isn't that what living guys do, har har -- and filling his airplane-lair with knicknacks that he scavenged.  

Next door, behind a wall much too high to be even slightly believable, the humans live in a refugee camp and scrounge for food. Except for the evil President, who lives in a palace.

Some of the town teenagers, including the President's daughter Julie -- Juliet, get it? --  and her boyfried Perry -- go beyond the wall to scrounge for medical supplies, and the zombies attack. ARRR sees Julie, and gets the most exaggeratedly corny "love at first sight" look that they ever taught you not to do in acting school.  He notices Perry, and gets rid of the competition by eating him.  

But in this world, when you eat someone, even a tiny piece, you absorb their memories.  ARRR absorbs Perry's memories, all of which involve Julie: falling in love when they are toddlers, their first kiss, their first sexual experience, their declaration of love, and so on ad infinitum. 

Through the entire movie, I thought Perry was being played by Zac Efron.  No, it's someone named Dave Franco, who could be Zac's identical twin.  Seriously, they look exactly alike. 

The other teens just hide until the zombies leave, but ARRR tricks Julie into thinking that he has to save her.  He takes her to his airplane, and they proceed to fall in love.

Eventually Julie wants to return to human society, mainly because there's almost nothing left to eat at the airport, so ARRR tries to sneak her out.  The other zombies want to attack,but he holds her hand and -- get this -- they instantly calm down. "Oh, you're in love.  Why didn't you say so?  Even brain-dead zombies understand that heterosexual romance is the most important thing in the universe.  Go on through."

More heterosexism after the break

"Love and Anarchy": A prank war at a Stockholm publishing house, with gay teases and Bjorn Mosten's penis

 

 Love and Anarchy appeared on my Netflix recommendations.  I clicked to see what it was about, forgetting that on Netflix, "click" means "start."  And since I was eating a bowl of Cheerios, I let it continue.

Scene 1: A harried middle-aged man and woman in a fancy house coordinating their calendars and telling their preteen son "No gaming at the breakfast table."  Dad is played by Johannes Bah Kuhnke, sweating below.

The woman chugs some espresso, talking about how this is her first day on the job. Teenage daughter comes in, not wearing the coat Dad bought for her.  This causes a crisis. Nuclear family squabbles.  Yawn. 

The woman goes upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom, and masturbates to porn on her cell phone.  Are we supposed to be titilated or judgmental, or are we to assume that she's having marital problems?  Everybody masturbates, but nobody admits that they do.

Scene 2: She is walking through a square in downtown Stockholm, at dusk or pre-dawn, checking her cell phone.  An older guy welcomes her to his publishing house.   He shows her to her new office, which is a disaster-area of books and manuscripts: the former senior editor was a bit of a hoarder.  

The older guy may be Ronni, the Publishing Company CEO, played by Bjorn Kjellman. He didn't have much of a physique in the 1990s, but he was rather well hung.

Scene 3: The woman -- Sofie -- giving a speech to the staff.  She's an independent consultant who saves publishing companies from bankruptcy by pushing them into the digital age, whether they like it or not. As she is ignoring a question about layoffs, a hot young guy comes in late and accidentally spills his drink over his crotch.  While he is dabbing at his bulge with a napkin, Sofie stares, mesmerized.

Scene 4: Sofie in her office, grimacing at the clutter.  Books --- ugh -- they might as well be stone tablets! As someone with a library of about 4,000 books, I am not amused.

 She piles some armloads of the relics outside her door to be trashed, and sees the hot young guy (Bjorn Mosten, top photo, left, and below) on a ladder drilling (and drilling...and drilling).  Receptionist tells her that he's Max, the IT Guy.  

"He doesn't usually do much drilling." 

 "Well, tell him to drill quietly!"

Max scoffs.  "How am I supposed to do my job?"  Receptionist doesn't answer; she's staring at his butt.  He storms out.

Max nude after the break

Daniel Benson: The gay-vague Disney Channel teen hunk finds a new career showing gay guys his dick

 

You may see a hundred dicks a day, in porn or real life, but there's a unique pleasure to seeing one of your childhood fave raves grow up, bulk up, and post pics of his penis. It's like solving a mystery: now we know what he was packing all along.

Dan Benson became a fave rave on The Wizards of Waverly Place, a gay-subtext heavy Disney Channel teencom about a family of wizards who have to keep their secret from the world.

Dan (in the back) played Zeke, the goofy best friend of teenage son Justin Russo, although later he started hanging out with younger son Max instead.  He displayed no heterosexual interest until later seasons ,when Disney suits got worried about the barely-hidden gay subtexts and gave him a girlfriend.

There were so many gay subtexts on Wizards that Dan's stories tended to get lost.  And bulking up didn't help to differentiate him: every single male character was a muscle-hunk. So fans tended to forget about him.

After Wizards, Dan appeared in an episode of Smoky Knights and its spin-off Killing Diaz,  and voiced Ethan, the on-off boyfriend of Summer in Rick and Morty. Then he was stung by an invasion of his privacy.

Turns out that some fans didn't forget him after all: during Wizards, "attractive women" kept asking for nude photos and videos, which he obligingly sent.  Then he found them posted on the internet!  He told E Online that it was a "pretty traumatic experience."  He became obsessed with taking them down, and retired from acting altogether.

But then he thought, "Why not?  If people want to see my penis, why not show them?  For a fee, of course."  He changed to the grown-up sounding Daniel Benson, and started an OnlyFans page, with subscriptions running at $20 per month.  He not only shows his dick, he reviews adult products, like this dildo.

And a penis-shaped waffle.

More Dan after the break. Note: the explicit pictures are samples that Dan posted to advertise his pay site.

Picco: A lot of male nudity amid the brutal, homophobic denizens of a German youth prison

 Someone recommended the German psychological horror movie Picco, about the inmates at a juvenile detention center  -- "lots of naked bodies on display."  There's bound to be some buddy-bonding, and maybe some homoerotic relations, right? 

Wikipedia says that it features a "troubled young man" named Jakub, who becomes enmeshed in a "harsh social hierarchy" and "the brutal realities of life behind bars."  That's like every prison movie ever made.

The IMDB doesn't mention a Jakob.  Here it's Kevin, a new boy in the prison, played by Constantine Jascheroff, and his three surly, belligerant, homophobic cellmates. The Variety review names them:

1. The psycho-violent Marc, played by Frederick Lau.

2. His belligerant crony, Andy, played by Martin Kiefer

More after the break