"The Ritual": Guys lost in a bleak, cold woods with desperation-hugs, human sacrifice, and dicks from another movie

 

When American filmmakers want to set their horror movies in someplace remote and scary, they choose Appalachia.  Apparently the British choose Sweden.  First I saw Midsommer (2019), where some unsuspecting college students stumbled upon an ancient human-sacrifice cult in rural Sweden. Now-- or rather, previously -- The Ritual (2017), four unsuspecting middle-aged men stumble upon an ancient human sacrifice cult in rual Sweden.

The men are:

1. Phil, played by Arsher Ali, who gave us a nude scene in Beaver Falls.  

2. Hutch (Robert James-Collier).  James-Collier agreed to play a gay character in Downton Abbey because he needed a job, without realizing how horrible it would be -- people thought he was actually gay in real life!  Plus it ruined his career.  He's relegated to roles in trash like...um...The Ritual.

3. Sam Troughton, top photo, who has played gay characters several times.

4. Philip Hulford as the Monster.

Dicks from another movie after the break

Midsommar: Murderous pagans, Christian cock, and three gay subtext couples. You can almost ignore the LGBT erasure.

I'm interested in the possibiliy of ancient pagan religions surviving in contemporary Europe, in mummer's plays and Punch and Judy, so I wanted to see  Midsommar (2019) in spite of the reviews pointing out that everyone is heterosexual and a lot of girls get naked.

In The Wicker Man (1973), an uptight British police officer investigates a free-love island  ("Children, what does the maypole represent?" "A penis!"), and ends up being their virgin sacrifice.  A naked lady bounces all over the place, and there's a lot of heterosexual shenanigans.  Midsommar couldn't be worse, right?

It could. It's very long and very boring, with the "surprise" ending broadcast from Scene 1.  But there are a lot of subtexts that turn it into a gay horror movie.

Anthropology student Christian -- ironic for a movie about paganism (Jack Reynor, left and below) was planning to break up with his girlfriend, but then her familiy was murdered, so he stuck around out of pity.  

A year later, he's ready to pull the plug on the long-dead relationship and move on.  His new bromantic partner Pelle invites him and another bromantic pair, Josh and Mark (William Jackson Harper, Will Poulter, top photo) back to his village in northern Sweden to witness an ancient pagan midsummer festival.

The Soon-to-be-Ex invites herself along.

"But Babe,.it was really supposed to be all boys, buddy-bonding, late-night groping, and orgies with Swedish studs, but....

Imagine the discomfort of sharing an 8-hour plane flight with your Soon-to-be-Ex, while the guy you are crushing on is sitting right across the aisle!

When they reach the village, which is populated mostly by young blond women and elderly white-haired men,, they meet Pelle's brother Ingemar  (Hampus Hallberg, left), who has picked up a boy-girl couples in London: Simon (Archie Madekwa, who you know from Saltburn) and Connie.

More dicks after the break

"Love and Anarchy": A prank war at a Stockholm publishing house, with gay teases and Bjorn Mosten's penis

 

 Love and Anarchy appeared on my Netflix recommendations.  I clicked to see what it was about, forgetting that on Netflix, "click" means "start."  And since I was eating a bowl of Cheerios, I let it continue.

Scene 1: A harried middle-aged man and woman in a fancy house coordinating their calendars and telling their preteen son "No gaming at the breakfast table."  Dad is played by Johannes Bah Kuhnke, sweating below.

The woman chugs some espresso, talking about how this is her first day on the job. Teenage daughter comes in, not wearing the coat Dad bought for her.  This causes a crisis. Nuclear family squabbles.  Yawn. 

The woman goes upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom, and masturbates to porn on her cell phone.  Are we supposed to be titilated or judgmental, or are we to assume that she's having marital problems?  Everybody masturbates, but nobody admits that they do.

Scene 2: She is walking through a square in downtown Stockholm, at dusk or pre-dawn, checking her cell phone.  An older guy welcomes her to his publishing house.   He shows her to her new office, which is a disaster-area of books and manuscripts: the former senior editor was a bit of a hoarder.  

The older guy may be Ronni, the Publishing Company CEO, played by Bjorn Kjellman. He didn't have much of a physique in the 1990s, but he was rather well hung.

Scene 3: The woman -- Sofie -- giving a speech to the staff.  She's an independent consultant who saves publishing companies from bankruptcy by pushing them into the digital age, whether they like it or not. As she is ignoring a question about layoffs, a hot young guy comes in late and accidentally spills his drink over his crotch.  While he is dabbing at his bulge with a napkin, Sofie stares, mesmerized.

Scene 4: Sofie in her office, grimacing at the clutter.  Books --- ugh -- they might as well be stone tablets! As someone with a library of about 4,000 books, I am not amused.

 She piles some armloads of the relics outside her door to be trashed, and sees the hot young guy (Bjorn Mosten, top photo, left, and below) on a ladder drilling (and drilling...and drilling).  Receptionist tells her that he's Max, the IT Guy.  

"He doesn't usually do much drilling." 

 "Well, tell him to drill quietly!"

Max scoffs.  "How am I supposed to do my job?"  Receptionist doesn't answer; she's staring at his butt.  He storms out.

Max nude after the break