A flurry of fabulous Finns, with their fine frames, built backsides, and devastating dicks

Last year I was overloaded with Gavins.  It appears that this year I'm having a run on Finns: Finn Carr, Finn Burke, Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) from Glee, Finn the Human (Jeremy Shada) from Adventure Time.  So I thought it would be fun to gather up the actors named Finn who have shown their stuff, on-screen or off.

 

1. Probably the most famous Finn of this generation is Finn Wolfhard, who played Mike Wheeler, central character in Stranger Things (2016-22).  The 1980s Indiana boy investigates his buddy's disapperance into a demon-haunted dimension and falls in love with an ESP girl.  Finn has also appeared in Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, It, King of the Hill, and the new Paranorman.  

Straight and femme in real life, he has no dick pics, but here's his basket.  I'm not an expert, but is that lady's underwear?

2. Second most famous is probably Finn Witrock, who played many characters in different seasons of the anthology American Horror Story (2014-21), including serial killer Dandy, vampire's boy toy Tristan , feral child Jether, and vampire bait Harry.  Some of them were gay-vague or gay-for-pay, but Finn is straight in real life.

3. Brandon Finn grew up in Hawaii, and has appeared in several series set or filmed in his home state, including Magnum PI, Fantasy Island, and Chief of War (where he played the gay Prince Kūpule). I can't tell from his Instagram if he's gay in real life.

4. Nonbinary genderqueer Fin  Argus has played gay characters in Queer as Folk, The Other Two, and The Commute.  They have given us a  lot of butt pics but no frontal; maybe they want to keep what they have in front private.

5. British actor Finn Cole is known for Animal Planet, Peaky Blinders, and Slaughterhouse Rulez.  I can't tell if his partner here is male, female, or nonbinary, but in real life he likes girls.

The Finn phalluses come after the break. Caution: Most are aroused. 

"Getaway": Nick Frost and his gay son vs. a creepy Swedish ritual and a transphobic stereotype. With Kit Conner and a stunt d*ck

Getaway or Get away, either "a holiday" or "someone is chasing you!" is a 2024 vanity project, written by, directed by, and starring Nick Frost, who has played the sidekick in several Simon Pegg movies.  But it also stars Sebastian Croft of Heartstopper: he plays the closeted boyfriend that Charlie (Joe Locke) has before he starts dating Nick (Kit Connor, below).  

Sebastian is "not into labels," but he supports queer causes: his line of Queer Past clothing supports LGBT refugees.  So maybe his character will be gay.

Scene 1:  Dad Richard (Nick), Mom Susan, teenage son Sam (Sebastian), and teenage daughter Jessie are heading on a holiday (vacation) through Sweden, with Finland as a stand-in.  Their destination is the island of Svalta, where in 1824 the islanders quarantined themselves for fear of a deadly flu pandemic. Two and a half years later, when British soldiers checked, most of the islanders had died of starvation, or turned to cannibalism. The soldiers were murdered.  Why are the British checking on an island in Sweden? 

They mention that it's near Kristianstad in northern Sweden.

Every ten years the islanders commemorate the event with an eight-hour long play, Karantan.  Really? Not every year?  Jews have yahrzeits to remember their dead loved one every year.  

Scene 2: Two Days Until Karantan.  They arrive at a horrible cafe at the port.  The surly owner snarls and mocks their weird menu requests, like cheese on a hamburger  (well, the Ugly Americans didn't even try to speak Swedish.  Wait, they're Brits).

Like every horror movie ever, he warns them not to go to the island. There are no hotels -- "no worries, we have a B&B" -- and the islanders hate outsiders, especially during Karantan.  

Then why is there a ferry several times a day?  And why do they have a tourism brochure?  Oh, wait, I know why.  I've seen "Midsommer" and "The Ritual"

Son and Daughter find a decapitated bird, but that's not a sign or anything.  Off they go. Whoops, Dad left his wallet on the bar.

Scene 3: The ferry lady has never heard of outsiders going to Svalta before, and warns that they'll be stuck for three days.  Dad goes to fetch his wallet.  Why did they bother with the "leaving it" bit?

Left: Nick's dick, actually a stunt cock. Not from this movie.

Cut to the ferry, with islanders glaring like they want to attack.   When they dock, a crowd of islanders is staring at them and growling.  Finally Commune Leader Klara asks what they are doing there.

"We've come to see your play."

"Billy Elliot is a play.  Grease: the Musical is a play.  Karantan is our life."  The isolated islanders get around.

She orders them to go back to the mainland: "You are not welcome here."  I'd be outta there, but Mom insists on staying. Otherwise be lousy story.

Mom tells them that one of her ancestors died here: he was one of the British soldiers murdered by the islanders during the quarantine.  So that's why they are so adamant about staying?  She wants revenge or something?

Scary lady licks her face to force her to leave, but at that moment Matts (Eero Milanoff) appears and tells the islanders that it's ok, he rented them his mother's house. They growl, but what can you do?  

Scene 4: At the house, Matts tells a long story about his mother walking across the ice to get married in 1974, and dying 10 years ago at the age of 91, beheaded in her favorite chair. So she was 50 when she married?

Then he creepily sneaks up on Teenage Daughter.  I can't tell if she likes him or not. 

Scene 5: While Mom and Dad cook dinner, and Teenage Son complains about the lack of cell phone service, Teenage Daughter takes a bath (five minute long closeup of her boobs).  She hears a shuffling noise, and investigates, but finds nothing.

More after the break