Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl Story

As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"

"36.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He's known for a long time, but he thought it was just him.  He didn't know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."

First Date: The Bodybuilder

 Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door.  The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box.  "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu.  What are we having?"

"We don't know.  Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."

"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said.  "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.

More after the break

"It's really great to meet you," The Bodybuilder told Kelvin.  "The third richest man under 40 in South Carolina, according to Money Magazine."

"Not for much longer.  I'm turning 40 next month."

"And this estate -- it's amazing!  Did we pass an amusement park on the way in?"

"Daddy built it for us when we were little. The family doesn’t use it much anymore, but once a month Karl and his brother bring in a busload of kids from an underprivileged neighborhood for a fun day."

"Interesting. So....how much is this house worth?  $10 million?"

Enough talk about money! Kelvin thought, looking around for an escape.  Fortunately, Percy chimed in: "Karl does all of the guys’ landscaping.  Those topiaries out front...all his.. Quite an artist, don't you think?"  

 Dinner was fried chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and gravy, and buttermilk biscuits.  "A little heavy for me," the Bodybuilder said.  "I have to watch my calories, or I'll start a middle-aged spread, like Kelvin, there."

Keefe squeezed Kelvin’s leg under the table.  "I love the way he looks with a little belly . Grown-up. Mature. Like we're spending our lives together, not just starting out."

 “Well, some of us have a few hot years left.  Right, Percy?”

Percy ignored him. “Your dinner is fantastic, Karl!  Ever since I moved to the South, I've been dying for that old-fashioned country cooking you read about, but in Charleston all they seem to eat is French-Thai fusion."

"Thank-ee," Karl said, grinning.  "There’s peach cobbler for dessert, but I can box up some for you to take home.  I'm anxious to try that tirmanisu."

"Tiramisu," The Bodybuilder corrected him.

After the "tirmanisu," the housekeeper and her assistants shooed them out of the dining room so they could clean up. Keefe asked "What do you want to do now, Cousin Karl?  It's your night, so anything goes."

"Um..y’all wanna play Clue?"

The Bodybuilder laughed.  "You're not serious!  The richest man in South Carolina, and that's all Kelvin has planned for us?  I was expecting...I don't know...male strippers or something."

"Clue sounds fun," Percy said.  "I haven't played since I was a kid."

"There's a Foam Party at Club Sinister tonight. You up for it, Karl?"

"Well, gee...I never been to a gay thing before.  I’d rather stay here and play games.”

"Whatever.  Hang out with the old folks.   Ready, Percy?”

"You go on.  Kelvin's driver will give me a ride home later."

After the Bodybuilder left, Percy took Karl's arm and led him to the couch in the game room. Kelvin and Keefe followed, and sat together on the love seat.  "Sorry the Bodybuilder was a dud,” he said.  “We have to do this right.  To find you a soul mate,  I need to know everything about you.  Where you were born, what your daddy does, your favorite cartoon when you were a kid, your favorite ice cream flavor…”

"What's my favorite ice cream flavor?" Keefe asked Kelvin.

"Rocky road! Too easy!"  They kissed.   "What was my favorite cartoon when I was a kid?"

"Fairly Oddparents!” Keefe exclaimed. “Except I still catch you watching it sometimes."

"Guys, focus! Keefe, why don't you go find the Clue game?  Ok, Karl, I know you work in landscaping, but what do you like to do in your free time?"

"I used to compete on the Strong Man circuit, but not so much anymore.  My brother and me, we're musicians.  Bluegrass mostly, with some rockabilly, and maybe some gospel.  We play at the Pour House every Friday night."

"They're really good," Kelvin told him. 

"So let's set the next date there.  And I know the perfect candidate. Third chair violin for the Charleston Symphony, teaches a class in the History of Jazz at the College of Charleston…"

"Sounds great," Kelvin said.

"Yeah, cool.”  But Karl looked uneasy.  "See, I never been out on a date by myself before. Will you come with me, Mr. Percy?"

"Absolutely.  You guys too, if you’re free.  We can make it a group hang."

Second Date: The Musician

After their set, Karl and his brother Chuck put their instruments away and joined the guys on the patio. The Musician shook both their hands.  He was not as buffed as the Bodybuilder, but he had a nice gym-toned body, the sort gay men get when they go to the gym every day, but spend most of their time gossiping.   

"You were excellent on stage," he told Karl. "Really, really polished."

“Not just excellent, brilliant!" Percy exclaimed. "One of the best concerts I've ever seen, I had no idea what Kentucky bluegrass was until tonight."

"Reminiscent of a young Jean-Luc Ponty. Do you do any jazz fusion, Karl?  Or progressive jazz...Michel Warlop?"

"Michelle who?"

"How about classical?  Fritz Kreisler's Liebesleid would suit you.”

"Um...see, ou Daddy taught me to play.  I didn't go to no school to learn about Libbs Lid and John-Luck Pontius."

 Keefe touched his shoulder.  "That’s ok, I have a degree in music, and I've never heard of Fritz Kreisler, either."

"Oh, a B.Mus!" the Musician exclaimed.  "What's your instrument?" 

"Um...B,A. in voice."

 “Excellent!  We have so much to talk about!" He moved around Karl so he could sit next to Keefe.  I’m guessing tenor?  Or….?”  

Getting a little chummy, Dude, Kelvin thought. Did you forget who you’re on the date with?

“Baritone.”  Keefe leaned against Kelvin, who kissed his cheek.  He didn’t even try to hide his smug grin.  

"Doesn't Karl have a marvelous voice?" Percy interrupted.

“Next month the Charleston Opera is doing Lucia di Lammermore.  We should all go.  Do you like Donizetti, Karl?”

“Donize…is she an opera singer?”  

He laughed.  “Tell him about ‘Il doce suono,’ Keefe. Well, I have to be running along.  Text me the number of Lucia tickets I should buy.”  He wandered into the main restaurant.

Karl grinned.  "I don’t wanna be mean, but I’m happy he’s gone.  I was feelin' like a gosh-darned idiot."

Percy reached over to squeeze his hand.  "They can't all be winners.   Maybe I should fix you up with someone who shares some of your life experiences."

"How about landscaping?" Kelvin suggested.  "Working with his hands, outside all day…”

“A man’s man,” Keefe added.    

"I know just the guy!  We met at the Gay Woodsmen Club.  He's a carpenter -- you might know him, Keefe. Bishop?”

“The name sounds familiar.  Maybe we worked together at Woodpecker’s, but I’m not sure.” 

“I don’t really know him well, either…”

“A carpenter sounds interesting,” Karl said. “He could make us rocking chairs with our names on them, so everybody would know we’re gay.  Like Cousin Kelvin and Keefe have.”

Third Date: The Carpenter

Dudley's was a gay bar, but not one of those cruise bars, all dark, with beer-stained counters and peanut shells all over the floor.  It had a lot of little tables on the main floor, a stage for musical acts, and a little dance floor where the Carpenter met them.  He had short red hair, big hands, and a flannel shirt unbuttoned to his navel.  Kelvin always slow-danced with Keefe, regardless of the song playing, but Karl and the Carpenter looked like they were having fun doing a cowboy two-step.

 Percy didn't dance due to an old knee injury (he tripped on a prop chair during a high school production of Hello, Dolly), so he kept a table reserved for them, and ordered some sodas and appetizers. The guys joined him and chatted about movies and such, and Kelvin had to tell his coming out story – why did everyone find that so fascinating?  Then the Carpenter turned to Karl.  "So, Bud, how big are you?"

"375 pounds, but I’m tryin’ to lose."

"No, how big.  You know, down there." 

“Down where?”  His eyes widened as he figured it out. “Um…I’m…”

"You don’t need to answer,” Percy told him.  He turned to the Carpenter. “How is that any of your business?”

"It’s only the first question every gay guy asks.”

“I never asked Kelvin," Keefe said. “I wanted to be with him, not his body parts.  Who cares how big his dick is?”

"I'm huge, though," Kelvin said nervously.

“Ok, ok.  Next question, Karl: what do you like to do?”

“I like working out, singing, fishing, playing games…”

“No, I mean what do you like to do?”  He leaned over, wrapped his arm around Karl’s shoulders, and began whispering in his ear.  Karl stared straight ahead, eyes wide, for a few minutes  .  Then he pushed the Carpenter away. “Leave me alone!”

“What are you doing to my little cousin?”  Kelvin asked, alarmed.

“None of your business, jackass!”

“He was…he was saying….”  Karl trailed off.  He looked like he was about to cry.

“That’s enough -- get the fudge away from him!”  Kelvin ran over and pushed the Carpenter back.  He teetered for a moment, then fell off his chair, landing on the floor with an audible thud.  

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to push you so hard,” Kelvin offered a hand to help him up.

“Friggin' fundy virgins!  People have sex – it’s a fact of life!”  He rose and headed for the door.  Kelvin sat back down and put his arm around Karl.

"He was talking about doing…bedroom things to me. But he hasn’t even met my Mama yet.”  He paused.  “Mr. Percy, do you do those things with guys you just met?”

"Sometimes," he admitted.  "There's nothing wrong with doing bedroom things on the first date, if both of you want to, and there's nothing wrong with waiting until you feel comfortable."

"Some guys aren't interested in bedroom things at all," Keefe added.  "You get to decide what works for you."

"What works for me..."

Percy moved over to the seat that the Carpenter left.  "You've had three bad dates.  "I've had hundr...a few.  We just need to keep looking.”  He squeezed Karl’s shoulder.  “I know for a fact that there's a guy out there who can appreciate how special you are.  Warm, caring, funny, talented – not to mention cute." 

Karl blushed and looked away, at Kelvin and Keefe.  They sat quietly for what seemed like ages.  Kelvin knew that he should say something or do something, but he couldn't think of what.

Then he turned back. "Mr. Percy...um...gosh, this is hard...never mind."

"It's ok to be discouraged…”

"Um…right.  Mr. Percy, would you do me...the honor of…um….letting me take you out for ice cream?"

Percy fell against Karl's chest, laughing.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm not laughing at you.  You're perfect.  Of course, I would love to get ice cream with you."  He pulled a $20 from his wallet and lay it on the table to pay for his appetizers and sodas.  "You don't mind if we hack out early?"

"Not at all," Kelvin said. “We’ll dance a little more, then head home ourselves.”

“Ok.  I’ll text you later.”

“Night, Cousins.” Karl took his hand and led him toward the exit.  

Fourth Date: Ice Cream

They were in bed kissing, about to start "bedroom things," when Kelvin's phone buzzed with Percy's picture.  

"Your Cousin Karl is amazing,” he texted. “A perfect Southern gentleman!"

“Don’t leave us hanging, buddy!” Kelvin texted back, while Keefe looked over his shoulder. “Details!”

“We went to Jeni’s for hot fudge sundaes.  Then he walked me home, and gave me a goodnight kiss, without even asking to come inside.  I haven't had a date like that in...ever!"

"That's great.”    

"So, did you ask me to play matchmaker with the nefarious scheme of getting us together?"

"We figured he wasn't your type.  He's like five times bigger than you."

"Are you kidding?  A massive strong man is everybody's type.  I was surprised that he wanted me, a scrawny, femme designer.  "

"Are you seeing him again?"

"Tomorrow.  He invited me to church, then dinner with the family at Jason's Steak House.”

"Hey!" Keefe exclaimed, pretending to be angry.  "It took you eight months to invite me to that family dinner."

"Don't remind me.  I was a little jackass, wasn't I?"  

See also: A Perfect Southern Gentleman, Part 1: Keefe's Secret