Gemstones Episode 3.2: Kelvin's butt buddies, gay Percy, two toxic families, and some military dicks

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Montgomery Brothers Manscaping: "If you've got a dick, we're on it."

 

Montgomery Brothers Manscaping

For all your manscaping needs

Beards, pits, pecs, pubes

"If you've got a dick, we're on it."

Karl Montgomery is not only an owner, he's a customer.

No job too big or too small.

Need your chest chiseled for the beach?

More after the break

Aaron Goldenberg: Former fundamentalist, Cousin Karl's boyfriend, Mean Gay. With some underwear bulges.

 

Aaron Goldenberg is an Atlanta based comedian with 41.000 followers on Facebook, 294,000,  on Instagram, and 1.2 million on Tiktok. 

He is best known for his series of "Mean Gays" videos with Jake Jonez: they make snarky comments at your wedding, your baby shower, by the pool, at your dinner party. The "hookup" video, where the Mean Gays invite you over for "some fun" and discover that you're a little older and huskier than your profile photo, has gone viral, with over 4 million views on Twitter and Tiktok.

Well, we've all been there.

The Mean Gays went national in 2024 when they "invaded," or rather hosted, the Razzies, the annual awards for the worst movies and actors of the year.

Aaron also riffs, or rather comments, on his fundamentalist childhood -- hiding in plain sight, parents in denial, friends saying "Hate the sin but love the sinner," coming out to his pastor.  It did not go well.

Aaron has 21 acting and 9 writing credits on the IMBD, beginning in his fundamentalist days with the short "Witnesscylin," about a drug that can help you win souls.  He has played Confused Bellhop in Burn Notice, Emaciated Vampire in So Dark, and the Host of Rap Shit.

He has a scene in Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones, as Percy the Interior Designer, who is working on the siblings' new executive board room.  Kelvin is nice to him,so I interpreted this as an attempt to form social connections with other LGBT people. 

I was so impressed with Percy that I used him in four fan stories: he has a date with Kelvin during the breakup with Keefe; attends their commitment ceremony; and finally starts dating Cousin Karl Montgomery.  There's even an explicit story about their first night together.

More Percy..um, I mean Aaron..after the break

Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl Story

As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"

"36.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He's known for a long time, but he thought it was just him.  He didn't know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."

First Date: The Bodybuilder

 Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door.  The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box.  "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu.  What are we having?"

"We don't know.  Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."

"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said.  "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.

More after the break