Jeremy Renner: A gay serial killer, some gay subtext roles, some homophobia, and a j/o video

 


I wanted to do a profile of Jeremy Renner, the one-time roommate of Kristoffer Winter, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood.  But there are problems: few nude photos, not much beefcake, and he's extremely homophobic. 

Addressing the rumors that he's bisexual because he was living with a man and a woman, he cursed "they're not f*** true!"  Same thing when he dumped both to move in with Kristoffer Winters, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood: "Believe whatever you f*king want!"

By the way, his favorite movie is the deeply homophobic Braveheart, which he's seen 35 times.  


Jeremy will not be playing a gay character anytime soon -- God help the agent who suggests it! -- but oddly, there are obviously unintentional gay subtexts in some of his movies, beginning with the first, National Lampoon's Senior Trip, 1995: stoner Dags has a buddy.

And A Friend's Betrayal, 1996. He's not the one doing the betraying, but he does have a buddy, Brian Austin Green.


How about a fey vampire who preys on teenage boys in a 2000 episode of Angel?












Or a 2002 biopic of Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer who preyed on teenage boys?  Why would the homophobic Jeremy accept such a role?








Jeremy gives us some rear nudity in Twelve and Holding, 2005:  "A 12-year old boy and his friends face the harsh realities of death, teenage hormones, and family dysfunction." 100 to 1 the "hormones" mean the 12-year old gets down with a girl.

More nude Jeremy after the break

Six degrees of Kevin's Bacon's penis. With Billy Crudup, Mickey Rourke, and others


I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning "penis."  

It didn't work, so I'll just post six penises, some of Kevin Bacon, some of his costars.

Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975.  He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978.  You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic.  It was the 70s.


He bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice.  A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.








Penis #1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.

Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshuls: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town, I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.

White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death.  But there aren't any girls in it, at least.



Kevin shows his butt in He Said, She Said, 1991, a romance with the gimmick of showing every scene twice, from his and her point of view.

Another butt in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates.  The hetero couple starts fire when they have sex.  

That reminds me of an old joke, either from Talulah Bankhead or Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: 

Guy: "Do you smoke after sex?"

Talulah/Elvira: "Darling, I don't know.  I never looked."


A Few Good Men
, 1992, sounds like it is about soldiers fighting and dying, but actually it's a courtroom drama, with Tom Cruise defending two soldiers accused of murder. Kevin stars as the Captain.

Penis #2: James Marshall, playing one of the accused soldiers.

More after the break.  I swear, we'll see Kevin's bacon

Workaholics Episode 4.13: "Do you think the guys having sex upstairs might be gay?" With bonus bear cocks


Workaholics 
Episode 4.13, "Friendship Anniversary," is an excellent illustration of heteronormativity, the assertion that heterosexual desire, behavior, and identity are universal human experience, and LGBT people do not exist, or at least there are none here.   

You ask a new male acquaintance if he has a girlfriend, forgetting that he could be gay or bi.

The teacher tells the class, "If you boys got your minds off girls, you'd get better grades," forgetting that some of them might have their mind on boys.

TV viewers insist that a same-sex pair cannot be gay unless they actually say so on screen.  Otherwise everything they say and do is what heterosexuals say and do. "So they hold hands. Can't a straight guy hold his buddy's hand?"

On to the show. 

The Dude Husbands: After a scene where the guys, Anders, Blake, and Adam, play American Gladiator,  they discover that they have been living together for seven years, so they are "common law husbands."  To celebrate their anniversary, Blake gives them homemade gifts: seashells on Ders' headphones and macaroni on Adam's weight belt, ruining them!  Ders serves horrible Norwegian food hidden in a bait-and-switch KFC box.  They argue, have a food fight, destroy each other's stuff, and criticize Adam's weight: "You're a chubby bitch, as fat as John Candy and not half as cool."  Finally they break up. Everyone leaves the house.

Blake's Night:  Crashing with his work friend, Jillian, Blake has a fun evening planned: beer, listening to the Yin Yang Twins (a rap duo), and "artsin' and craftin'"  But she's engrossed in a dog show on tv (that she is betting a lot of money on).  He makes her a "thanks for letting me stay here" gift, arts-and-crafting her favorite dress, ruining it. Plus he makes fajitas with sour cream, enraging her (that's a little harsh, girl)

Jillian puts him to bed in the bathtub, and when he casually mentions that she is acting crazy, goes ballistic: "We leave the shower on and the lights off."  


Ders' Night:
Apparently he has no credit cards to get a hotel room, and no friends, so Ders tries to sleep in the back seat of his car.  He hears some teens drinking beer at the play station in the park -- after hours!  He tells them to scram, but they just make fun of him, so he gives them an ultimatum: they have to be gone by the time he finishes taking a dump, or he's calling the cops. 

Once he gets into the porta-a-potty, the teenagers knock it over, dousing him with a flood of blue toilet water



Adam's Night:
He goes to a bar to drink and look for friends who won't reject him for being overweight.  It turns out to be a gay bear bar (no one says so, but watch your heteronormativity; how do you know it's not?). He comes on too loud and too strong for the first guys he approaches: "50 beers for my new friends, who I love now!"  When Trevor (Stephen Kramer Glickman) calls him a "rowdy little bear cub," he insists on a full-body bear hug, and accepts an invitation home. Heteronormativity: Adam has no idea that these guys are gay, or that he has agreed to a hook-up.


At home, they go right to bed.  When Trevor presses his hard cock against him, Adam thinks that it's just morning wood, and congratulates the guy for being so virile.  Trevor is about to go downtown, when Adam reveals that he just broke up with a partner of seven years, like a few hours ago.  A rebound hookup would be a bad idea; Trevor announces that he's going to masturbate in the bathroom instead. Heteronormativity again: a guy climbs in bed with you naked and presses his hard cock against you, but same-sex desire does not exist, so you must find a heterosexual explanation.

The guys start texting but change their minds, look for texts from their partners, and are miserable. 


The Rat Catchers: 
The next day, they have cordoned off their cubicle, and aren't speaking to each other, except to brag about how great their nights alone were and criticize their performance as husbands.  They decide to go back to the house, split up the security deposit, and part forever.

Except the house is overrrun with rats.  They have to get rid of them, or they won't get the security deposit back.  They try various gross and unhygeniec strategies which allow each to use his skills: Anders' organizational ability, Blake's arts-and-crafting, and Adam's muscles.  Afterwards, although they are splattered with rat blood and will probably die of rabies, they realize that they enjoyed the adventure, and decide to stay dude husbands. 

More after the break

"The Eyes of Tammy Faye": A gay-positive light in the homophobic 1980s, with nude photos, not of the televangelists

 


The Eyes of Tammy Faye
(2021) takes us back to the golden age of televangelism, when the big names were world-famous celebrities with huge political and social influence.  They had dinner at the White House.  They were parodied on Saturday Night Live.  






1. Jerry Falwell (Vincent D'Onofrio) turned his Moral Majority into a seething- ground for anti-gay hatred.  He blamed them for everything.  An airplane crash in Peru -- must have been some gays on board.  Rise in teen pregnancy -- gay rights make our kids think they can do anything they want.  Your basement is flooded -- God is punishing you for not hating gays enough.  "A homosexual will kill you as soon as look at you."





2. Pat Robertson (Gabriel Olds) proclaimed that God was punishing all of the gays by giving them AIDS, but they wanted to infect as many straight people as possible, with the goal of destroying society before becoming extinct.   They had special rings that, when you shook their hand, would prick you with a little of their blood, so you would catch AIDS and die.  They would spit on your food or cough on you on purpose




3. Jimmy Swaggart (Jay Huguley) said that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.  He saw his huge tv ministry decimated after two prostitution scandals, in spite of his famous "I have sinned" speech. 

4. Oral Roberts managed to build a whole homophobic university with sleazy fundraising techniques, like claiming that if viewers didn't send in $8,000,000, God would kill him.

More after the break

Pasolini's Canterbury Tales: More gay characters and cocks than Chaucer imagined

 

The Canterbury Tales (I Racconti di Canterbury, 1972) is my favorite of Piers Paulo Pasolini's Trilogy of Life (others include The Decameron and The Arabian Nights), maybe because the set-up and many of the stories are familiar from my college claasses, so I don't get lost in the abrupt sedgeways.




And because I saw it last of the three, so some of the cast was familiar: Pasolini's lover Ninetto Davoli, left, as a comic-relief buffoon, Franco Citti as someone morose and frightening,  Although I'm still annoyed by the closeups of random people with bad teeth grinning at the camera for no apparent reason, and the groups of people sitting around singing for no reason.

There is less full-frontal nudity than in the others, but for some reason the penises on display are much more impressive. 













The biggest of the lot -- probably the biggest portrayed in any mainstream film -- belongs to John McLaren.

Pasolini includes adaptions of 8 stories:

More after the break

Seann WIlliam Scott: From homophobic to gay-positive roles, with three butts, two bulges, a dick, Kyle Gallner, Gavin Munn


Seann William Scott first became famous as Stifler in the American Pie franchise (1999-2012).  I 've never seen any of them (although I know what they do to the pie), but I found a list of his "most disgusting antics"on the fan wiki. 
  • Accidentally drinks a guy's cum
  • Gets urinated on by a guy
  • Forced to kiss a guy
  • Has sex with a guy and two dogs
  • Digs a ring out of dog poop
  • Accidentally has sex with an old lady.  
As you can see, same-sex acts top the list of disgust.



Seann took a serious -- well, at least not comedic -- dramatic turn in Final Destination, 2000, about teens who survive a plane crash, except fate didn't want them to survive.  Former teen idol Devon Sawa also starred.

Then it was back to raunchy comedy in Road Trip, 2000, about four college buds on a road trip to see boobs and retrieve an incriminating tape.



Dude, Where's My Car (2000), about...um...a stolen car, required Seann to kiss Ashton Kucher.  Both actors were interviewed about how the managed to do something so disgusting.  Plus there's homophobic jokes, gay panic jokes, and lesbian jokes, covering all the bases. 


The tv series Dukes of Hazzard was infamous for sculpted bods and enormous bulges of Bo and Luke Duke, John Schneider and Tom Wopat.  The 2005 film version, starring Seann as Bo and Johnny Knoxville as Luke, emphasized Daisy Duke's short-short.


In Role Models (2008), Scott plays an energy-drink salesman assigned to be a role model to a foul-mouthed young boy.  Homophobic jokes and gay slurs abound, but at least we get a shot of his butt.











More Stiffler after the break

Kevin Zegers: Two gay roles, two gay teases, two dicks, and a lot of beefcake

 


Born in 1984, Kevin Zegers was a child star well known for the Air Bud series, about a basketball-playing dog; and Treasure Island, where he played Jim Hawkins to Jack Palance's scary Long John Silver.  

Nico the Unicorn (1998) is not a heroic fantasy, as the title suggests, but about a oddball outsider boy, crippled when his leg was shattered by a drunk driver, whose horse gives birth to a unicorn.

He took his shirt off in Komodo, 1999, beginning a long beefcake career.

Teen magazines gushed, and shirtless photos began to bounce around the internet. 


He impressed one fan so much that they devoted a website to him, back in the 2000s when such things were uncommon.  There were hundreds of pictures, and article on topics like "Kevin's Biceps."

Wait, it's still there.  This photo illustrates an article telling us that at age 14, Kevin could bench press 200 pounds.  If true, that is quite impressive: the average for a 14 year old is 65 pounds.





During the 2000s, Kevin moved easily between lighthearted child fare, like the contining Air Bud series,  and teens having troubled lives or meeting monsters. In Four Days, 1999. a bank heist goes wrong; in Sex, Lies, & Obsession, 2001, his dad has a sex addiction. Wrong Turn, 2003, is a teenkill. Dawn of the Dead, 2004, is about zombies; The Hollow 2004, is about the Headless Horseman.

But he managed to take his shirt and pants off in almost every thing, such as when sex with his girlfriend made him sick on an episode of House MD.


Kevin's big social-commentary movie was Transamerica, 2005.  He played Toby, a teenage drug dealer and hustler.  After his mother commits suicide, he takes a road trip with a "Christian missionary" who turns out to be a trans woman Bree. 

 


He tries to seduce her, with a butt shot, whereupon she reveals that she is his biological father. They have some rough times, but the movie ends happily with Toby working in gay porn and reconciling with Bree.

Today most trans people dislike it: "absolutely horrible from beginning to end"; Bree "reinforces just about every single worst stereotype about trans people."  But in 2005, it was lauded for its "sensitive" portrayal of gay and trans people.

More after the break