Masterplan: French boy and Italian girl thieves plot to steal the...Mona Lisa. And don't fall in love. With Ivanir butt and nude French and Italian guys

  

Masterplan (2026), on Amazon Prime: Two strangers, a man and a woman, are charged with breaking into the Louvre and stealing...the Mona Lisa!  Sounds from the plot description that they'll be falling in love, but plot twist: they're siblings!   

Scene 1: A party in Rome, with muscular guys gyrating.  A young lady, probably Chiara, goes to the kitchen, grabs a tray of flaming drinks, and offers one to a sleazy guy sitting on a throne surrounded by ladies. She clicks a cell phone.  He reads his text: "Buy now!"  So it's spam?

He returns to his hotel room and checks out the investments on his computer, with Chiara on the balcony, hacked in.  He hears someone out there, and looks around.  Dude, she's standing right next to you. But he gets a text from a "Me so horny" girl, and leaves.

Chiara goes downstairs, gets on her scooter, and drives off.

Cut to the Place Vendôme in Paris. A heavilly disguised guy, probably Jay (Victor Belmondo) enters a hotel, sets a timer, and heads up to the Presidential Suite.  He breaks in, grabs some jewelry and stuff from the dressing room, but security is at the door!  He breaks through the wall, heads downstairs, and drives off.

Scene 2: Chiara in her elegant bedroom, eating an elegant breakfast and texting, Jay in his dumpy apartment, eating junk food and texting.  They get job offers simultaneously: a private residence break-in, paying 25,000 euros.

Cut to Lake Como, in the Italian Alps, on the Swiss border. They both show up for the break-in job, and exchange flirty banter. 

Jay works with explosives: "A little boom, sixty seconds in and out.  What do you say?"

Chiara: "Isn't that your Tinder profile?"  

Jay: "No, it's just Jay from Paris."  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 5.  

They continue to flirt as he tries to cut the power.   She bets him that it won't work; it doesn't, so he has to strip.  That's your brother, girl.

On into the house, and the safe with the stuff they're supposed to steal.  But it's empty.

"You passed the test," an English voice says.  "Bravo.  And bare-chested.  Interesting."  

"What do you care?" Jay asks angrily.  Hey, don't be homophobic.  Accept the femme gay guy's interest as a complement.

Scene 3: The femme guy is Roger, played by Stanley Tucci, a super-femme dude who you'll instantly tag as gay.  He's actually straight, but he's capitalized on his "obviously gay" presentation by playing a string of gay characters, so maybe Roger....

Rog tells them that Chiara is the best hacking thief in the world, and Jay is the best explosives thief. If he's so great, why does he live in a dump?  But he wanted to see if they could work together. 

They can, in spite of the constant flirting, so he wants to hire them for "the job of a lifetime," that will make them both billionaires.

Oh, by the way, he also wanted to hire them because he's their father.  He stole their toothbrushes and got DNA samples.  Here are the test results.

Cut to Jay calling his mother.  "So...um...did you hook up with an extremely feminine straight guy played by Stanley Tucci?"

"Oh, right, we met in Mumbai in 1995, and hooked up, but I lost his number, so I couldn't tell him when I got pregnant.  I didn't want to tell you, so I made up a story about a dead Greek sailor."

Scene 4:  Back in the parlor, Chiara is furious. She was abandoned at birth, and raised by horribly abusive foster parents, so if he's her Dad, he's got some explaining to do.

Roger explains that he was stealing something on the island of Capri, and he met the private detective hired to track the person who stole a valuable Picasso.  It wasn't him, so they hooked up, and didn't see each other again. 

Left: This review was a little beefcake-light, so I included a random French guy.

Scene 4: So, what's the job?  Stealing the Mona Lisa, the most famous painting in the world.  Don't bother looking for it in the Louvre -- it's disappointingly small, and impossible to see from behind the scores of selfie-taking tourists.  And if you do -- it looks like the 300,000 reproductions you'll see over your lifetime.

He shows them a map of a forgotten tunnel leading from the Louvre 300 m across the Seine to the basement of Academie Francaise. 

He asks them to spend the night, and decide in the morning.

Scene 5: Chiara in her room, on her laptop, making sure that the DNA test isn't a fake.  Then she stops by Jay's room to tell him that everything checks out, and "I wasn't checking out your butt." "Yes, you were."  Since you now know that you're siblings, maybe cut down on the flirting?  A brother and sister really shouldn't have a "will they or won't they?" plotline.

Cut to the crowds milling around the Mona Lisa.  The Louvre has other exhibits, you know.

After complaints and "It's impossible," they agree, and he explains the plan. "Let's do this...as a family!" Are they really the best in the world, or did you hire them to connect with your kids?

More after the break

Iain Armitage: Young Sheldon grows up, hugs guys, celebrates Pride. With nude Galecki, Fisher, and Simon Rex

 

I didn't like The Big Bang Theory (2007-19), featuring Johnny Galecki as the (relatively) stable center of a group of wacky nerd scientists who can't get any  "big bangs."  The hetero-horniness was incessant, and there were so many homophobic statements -- mostly asserting that all gay men wear dresses and prance --  that I was more amazed than offended  Wasn't Jim Parsons, who played the neurotic physics savant Sheldon Cooper, gay?  Why didn't he protest?  (Apparently he was closeted until around the fifth season.) 

But I liked Young Sheldon (2017-24), about Sheldon Cooper's childhood, growing up in East Texas in the 1990s with a conservative Baptist Mom, a macho football-coach Dad, a macho muscle-building brother, and...you get the idea.

I grew up in the Nazarene Church, which taught that Baptists were much too liberal.  I could relate. 

Plus there were lots of cute guys.  Sheldon's older brother Georgie (Montana Jordan) had musclebuilding plotlines before they switched to a "getting a girl pregnant" story arc.

Dad, Lance Barber, was a chub with a bulge.

Next door neighbor Billy (Wyatt McClure) was too young to be hot, of course, but he had that puppy-dog cuteness that makes you say "Aww, how adorable!"  I figured that he would eventually come out, but instead the writers decided to give him a crush on Sheldon's sister

And how about Rex Linn as Tom Peters, the longsuffering principal at Sheldon's high school. Wait, this is Simon Rex.

There were no gay characters -- with or without Jim Parsons as executive producer, this was still a "family friendly" (non gay) show.  But also no casual homophobia.  Just a few references suggesting homophobia, as when someone asks if Sheldon is...you know, and Dad angrily yells "NO!"

And in Season 5, Sheldon tells his roommate Evan (Motoki Maxten) that he doesn't want to date girls because they are a distraction. 

"So you're into guys?" Evan asks nonchalantly.

"No, they're a distraction, too."

Actually, he turns out to be asexual hetero-romantic, although this is never specified on The Big Bang Theory.

But I'm pretty sure that Iain Armitage (Young Sheldon) is gay.

More after the break

Erik Hesse: Immensely hot Short Guy from Reading, PA, with bad fashion taste, a job hugging athletes, and an eight inch tripod

 The celebrity penis site posted a video, reputedly of ice hockey player Blake E. in the locker room, shoving his semi at his teammates.  Very impressive, and sort of homoerotic.  So I researched him.

No social media presence, just his stats: Born 1998 in Macomb, Michigan, 5'9", 181 lbs, a hockey player for the Royals in Reading, Pennsylvania (the one with the railroad in Monopoly).

The cocksman in the video looks nothing like the real Blake E.  I think he was identified as a prank.  

But who is the hunky short guy with the farmboy innocence and a 1950s haircut?  If Blake is 5'9", he must be 5'8".  Forget the five feet, let's talk about the eight inches.

He's journalist Erik J.  I don't like to give the last names of non-actors, but it's German, for an inhabitant of Jesburg, Hesse.  So I'll call him Erik Hesse. 

Erik grew up in Lansdale, Pennsylvania, a commuter town about 25 miles from Philadelphia. In high school, he played baseball until an injury forced him off the team.  He was also a sports reporter for the Knight-Crier. 

He attended Temple University in Philadelphia, graduating a year early, in 2023,  with a BA in Media Studies and Production.

Left: Temple University Campus Recreation.  Do you choose one, or take all four, or...

While at university, Erik worked as a server at the Texas Roadhouse and an anchor for OwlSports.

Left: I couldn't find any Temple students in my files, so here's one from Ursinus. 

More after the break

The shirtless parking valets: A shock of joy on "Suburgatory" on the night before Thanksgiving. With Mohr and Parker butts and a lot of bare chests

When I was growing up, you almost never saw a bare chest on tv.  On the rare occasions when it happened -- Denny Miller surfs to Gilligan's Island, Ponch and Jon hit the beach on CHIPS, Kevin poses for an art class on Mr. Belvedere -- you felt an intense, palpable joy.  Not desire so much as understanding.  This is it, what we were made for. Beauty.  Truth.  The Eternal Masculine. 

With the advent of cable and then streaming tv, nearly every actor took off his shirt frequently, and some even put their butts and cocks on display.  And of course we can go online and see 100 naked men before breakfast. When you see it all the time, that shock of joy vanishes.  

But it returned on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011, the night before Thanksgiving, when Suburgatory aired Episode 1.8, "Thanksgiving."

Suburgatory (2011-14) starred Jeremy Sisto (left, showing his sausage) as George Altman, an architect who moves his teenage daughter Tessa (Jane Levy) from Manhattan to Chatswin, Connecticut.  She is not pleased, but she tries to find some semblance of cool amid the Mean Girls, Dumb Jocks, and Ladies Who Lunch.

It was not our favorite show -- mostly women in the cast, a lot of heterosexism, and some low-key gay stereotyping -- but it aired between The Middle and Modern Family, so we had no choice.

Left: George's butt.

In Episode 1.8, it's Thanksgiving in Chatswin, and Tessa is upset because Dad George has rejected their traditional Manhattan activities for dinner with the ultra-rich Dallas Royce.  In the B Plot, Tessa's friend Lisa is upset because her middle-class Mom, Sheila Shay, insists that she wear a "Puritan dress" to their Thanksgiving Dinner.

 When Tessa and Dad George arrive at the Royce mansion, they see shirtless valets parking the guests' cars.  

Whoa, that shock of joy came rushing back!  

Maybe because it was so unexpected.  Who hires shirtless valets?  Especially at Thanksgiving, when it's in the 30s and 40s out?  And there are twelve people at that party. Why do they need four valets?  

Director Alex Hardcastle was not even trying to be realistic. He presented us with a vision of masculine beauty to counterbalance the feminine vibe of the rest of the episode (spoiler alert: Tessa's friend Lisa spends about ten minutes of air time naked, in protest of that Puritan dress). 

The first Indian Valet vanishes immediately, but when George's friend Noah hands his car keys to the second, we get a bare chest and shoulders close-up.  He looks like a college athlete.

He disappears, but as Noah walks toward the door, we see the two Pilgrim valets, one extremely muscular, the other a rather thin twink.  No closeups, but they are visible for several seconds, organizing the various parking slips.

Later we get quick glimpses of the two Indian Valets at the Royce table,  so they must be Royce relatives co-opted for the job.  The Pilgrim Valets are visible at the middle class Shay table, so presumably they were hired. 

But who are the actors?  In 2011 I let the scene slip into memory, but last night I saw it again during a rewatch. With15 years of experience on this website, Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding, and Tales of West Hollywood,  I was equipped to research their other acting roles,  look for nude photos, and check their social media to see if they are gay. 

More after the break.