Edward Padilla: "Suburgatory" short guy hangs out with Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson, plays priests and Chicano Divas, has a husband and a d*ck

We're rewatching Suburgatory (2011-2014), about a high school girl transplanted from cool Manhattan to the ritzy suburban town of Chatswin, Connecticut. I have yet to understand the opening lyrics: "Last night I had a dah dah dah dah," which the subtitles translate as "perfect nightmare."  I don't like the low-key homophobia, with several "everybody thinks he's gay, har har" plotlines.  But it's a nostalgic pleasure remembering that era -- just 15 years ago -- when everything was bright and fresh and hopeful.  Plus there are lots of cute guys.  

Today I'm researching Edward Padilla, who plays country club lackey Jauvier.  He's not as swoonworthy as Joe Mande on Modern Family, but he's cute, and 5'6".  Short is short. 

Eddie was born in 1972, and grew up in San Diego,  He received a B.A. in Theater from the University of Southern California, plus a Master of Public Health from the Keck School of Medicine.  I couldn't find any photos from the 1990s except this one, which may be of another "Eddie Padilla."

His on-camera work begins with Mr. Jones (1993): Richard Gere, years after his iconic nude scene in American Gigolo, plays a mentally ill guy who starts a romance with his therapist.  Eddie plays a bellboy. 

His television work begins in Mexico with Tales from Beyond (2003) the Spanish version of the paranormal investigation show;  Te amaré en silencio (2003-04), a telenovela about a deaf girl; and the pilot Mi Vida Lorca (2004), which has nothing to do with the gay poet Federico Garcia Lorca.

Next he played a delivery driver on The King of Queens, a baby on The Drew Carey Show,a priest on Bones , a priest on Dirt, and a judge on Southland.while pursuing a career in public health.

Eddie's IMDB page says that he's best known for Man On Fire (2004), with Denzel Washington as a CIA agent who vows revenge on those who committed "unspeakable acts."   But he only worked as "Additional Crew."  Maybe it's memorable because of Denzel.

That explains the other movies on the "best known for" list: Colombian Military Officer in Mr and Mrs Smith (2005), with Brad Pitt; Test Site Technician in Spider-Man 3 (2007), with Tobey Maguire; and Addiitonal Crew on Get the Gringo (2012), with Mel Gibson.  

The gay ally Brad Pit, the heterosexist Tobey Maguire, and the frothing homophobe Mel Gibson.  You're all over the map, dude.

I'd rather remember him for roles that actually involved acting: Jauvier in Suburgatory (2011-2014), a priest on Jane the Virgin (2015), a priest on Will and Grace (2017), a preacher on I'm Dying Up Here (2018), a priest in Pecados Ajenos (2021)...

Getting typecast, buddy?

The only queer content I can see is in Big Tony's Ballet (2020): In the 1950s, mobster Big Tony must deal with his 7-year old son's interest in ballet.  God and God's Husband appear 

And Quinceañera (2024): At the party celebrating her 15th birthday, a girl "confronts her feelings for a shy girl she met at dance practice."  Edward plays a priest, of course.

More after the break

Sam Lerner: Is the "Goldbergs" star gay-teasing, coming out, or from a parallel world? With his tree-trunking dick and his boyfriend's butt

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Will Trent, Episode 4:10: Who is murdering naked fratboys? Detectives think it's about a girl, but...With fratboy cocks and Jeff East

 

I don't watch a lot of detective shows -- who cares about "the body in the library" when you can change the channel and see ghosts, zombies, time travel, and parallel worlds? But Episode 4.10 of Will Trent, on Hulu, pinged my gaydar: "A fraternity star and his friend are murdered."  Friend is often code for boyfriend.

Title: "You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets."

Scene 1: Girl legs walking across the campus of Georgia Atlantic University at night, discussing their boy problems.  Heterosexual identity established instantly.  They stop at a fountain to puke, and see a naked boy floating in the water, his mouth taped up and marked with the word "loyalty." 

Cut to a Pregnant Detective and her husband at a class for expectant parents, in an ongoing plotline.  They keep accidentally "killing" their baby.  I'm fast forwarding.

Scene 2: Will (Ramon Rodriguez, top photo) interviews the ridiculously-dressed Chancellor about the victim, Paxton Cole.  Shouldn't it be the Dean of Students, or the President?  "He was a campus leader, honor role, president of the Delta Chi Kappa Fraternity."  

Left: The actor playing Paxton does not appear in the cast list.

Will thinks that it was a premeditated murder, but the Chancellor scoffs: "The boy was just  mugged, or he interrupted a drug deal."  

"Then why was he stripped, and tape gagged with the word 'Loyaltyl"?

He harrumphs, then leaves to go to Boozy Booster Brunch,  the biggest fundraising activity of Homecoming Week, except for the Wine and Winners Dinner Party. Will is suspicious.  Dude should be more concerned about the murder of the college goldenboy.  Or any student, for that matter.

Scene 3: Will's team crosses the campus, complaining about the laziness of Generation Z and how college is a worthless rip-off.  As someone who has been teaching at a college for over 20 years, I am disturbed by that sentiment.  They find the frat pledges cleaning the porch with toothbrushes, a red flag about hazing abuse. They are not allowed to speak, another red flag.

Frat member Sean/Legacy  (Jacob Buster, left) invites them in. Will looks disgusted at the frat guys drinking beer. Griffin/Badger sees them and tries to run out, but they ambush him.  "It's not my fault!" he exclaims.

Scene 4: At the police station, Griffin/Badger (Tyler Patrick Smith) explains that he didn't hurt Paxton, but he was afraid that his illegal id business would be implicated.  Last night at the party, he gave Paxton/Doorbell and Greg/Sharkey fake ids so they could pick up some kegs of beer.  They never returned.

He's not implicated in the murder, but he's arrested for selling fake ids.  These people are disgustingly judgmental.  

They interrogate everybody else in the house, but no one had a beef with Paxton/Doorbell or Greg/Sharkey, and no one knows where they went to get the beer.

"Did you ever see them argue, fight over a girl?"  How do you know they were straight, heteronormative a-hole?

"No, they were best friends."  Tell me more.

Scene 5: Being dismissisve and insulting isn't getting them any intel, so the Pregnant Detective tries the sympathy approach.  Sean/Legacy opens up, complaining that his dad wants him engaged by next year and married with a kid soon after graduation.   I got that pressure all the time growing up: "What girl do you like?  What girl do you like?  What girl? What girl?"  Resistance to the heterosexist trajectoryy is a queer code.

Left: Fake ID Griffin/Badger's penis.

This strategy works: Sean/Legacy reveals that several months ago, Paxton shared a private sex video to group chat.  It got leaked, and the whole campus saw it.  Dang, it was with a girl.  Hereosexual identiy established at Minute 12..

Scene 6: Pregnant Detective visits The Girl, Sorority President Britt. She can't talk about the sex tape, because she signed an NDA and got a Porsche.  But she won't say who asked her to sign it.

Other sorority girls come forward to reveal that the fratboys are all scumbags, but they can't report on any of their misdeeds because Sean/Legacy's dad is the Chancellor.  Curiouser and curiouser.

Scene 7: Back at headquarters, after some stuff about the ongoing plotline, they find out where Paxton/Doorbell and Greg/Sharkey bought the beer: at the Beer Depot (makes sense).  They drop by, and find his pickup truck, with the beer kegs still there.  The killer must have abducted them here.

Will finds two sets of clothes in the trash -- the killer stripped them here! And no one noticed?  And in the ice machine, Greg/Sharkey's naked body, with a tape gag reading "Fortitude." 

They figure out that the words on the tape gags are the mottos of the frat: Loyalty, Fortitude, Integrity, Diligence.  Two murders left?

Scene 8: Ongoing plot stuff, then the bodies in the morgue. Paxton/Doorbell was drowned, and Greg/Sharkey died of hypothermia (so he was dumped in the ice machine while alive). They both had Goldenkranz (gold-infused liquour) in their stomachs, and high levels of Xanax (an anti-anxiety medication that causes drowsiness).  The killer spiked their drinks so they would be more compliant.  Which means that he (or she) was at the party last night.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

Ethan Wacker: The former teen spy, Bizaardvark manager, and Vanderbilt fratboy looks good in a suit. And out of a suit.

I only knew three things about Ethan Wacker before beginning the research: 

1. At 5'7", he's a member of the Short Guy Brigade

2. He has an amazing physique.

3. He has a lot of male friends.  

A lot of male friends.

Actually, I'm getting tired of posting photos of Ethan and his male friends.  Let's check his biography.

Born in Connecticut in 2002, moved to South Korea and then to Hawaii.

His acting credits begin in 2006 (at the age of four!) with a video game called Papa Louie: When Pizza Attacks

More video games and animation followed, plus two episodes of the teencom KC Undercover (2015-18), a Disney Channel teencom about "an outspoken and confident technology whiz and skilled black belt" who becomes a spy.   Ethan played the son of the Vice President of the U.S. 

Then he appeared in Hawaii Five-0, See Plum Run, Tour of Mythicality, and 63 episodes of Bizaardvark (2016-2019).  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.